Dating Tips from Hillary

Q & A: "How can I tell my current boyfriend that his female friend is using him for money?"

2008-04-17T15:50:00.000-07:00

Name: Sherrie
Question: How can I tell my current boyfriend that his female friend is using him for money without seeming jealous?

Hi Sherrie,

Explain it to him that you're bringing this up because you care for him and not because it's HER, so to speak. Lay down the facts and show him the evidence to his face. Also see if you can solicit a third party (Another friend, family member, etc.) to also chime in on the situation so he doesn't think it's just your "jealous" opinion. Also, offer resolutions that he can enact to solve his own problem instead of just telling him to cut her from his life. If he feels that it's his decision, then he won't blame you later for ruining a friendship...Hope this helps, and best of luck to you! Have a safe holiday season...

Q & A: "he believes the wife should stay home"

2008-04-17T15:49:00.000-07:00

Name: Mireya
Question: hi I have been married for 8 years 6 years ago my husband confess to me that he had sex with his sister since then our lives have been different I just wish he had never told me now I don't trust him at all when they are both together I feel like they are in love with each other. She always gets all nervous when he is with her what do you think I should do because it is really driving me crazy I jus don't know what to do.

Hi Mireya,

Hmmm...Sounds like you and he need to get into some Marriage counseling, and that he and his sister need to get into some therapy, and you to individual therapy as well...Everyone involves needs some professional intervention pronto. Incest is so damaging on so many levels...It's hard to know exactly what the circumstances are or how long this abuse went on for, but it is clearly something you need to work out as this will not go away. It's already been 6 years, and it sounds as if you've never really gotten over the initial shock of it all...How long can you continue to wait for before getting some resolution to this? Go into counseling and see if you can salvage your marriage somehow. You haven't mentioned your relationship with him so I'm guessing your marriage is somewhat fine (If this was never an issue), it's just that you can't get over this revelation (not that it would be easy to). Go and talk it out...try to come to some understanding about the reasons and have he and his sister put to rest their past as well...It can be a very long road before you achieve any resolution on this...it's up to you to see how long you're willing to stay on the ride. You've lasted 6 years already without really making any moves for improvement, so perhaps you can last the time it will take to make things better...But you can't do it yourself or without any action...This is not the kind of family history you can just write off...Good luck to you on this, I hope this helps, and take care.

Name: Tara
Question: I am barely 18 and I'm in love. Unfortunately, he has a girlfriend (I'll call her Karen for simplicity purposes) and one year old baby. We were lovers for a little while before I knew he had a girlfriend but now we're very close friends. The problem is the only reason he is staying with Karen is because her parents threatened that he'd never see his daughter if he broke up with Karen. He loves his baby so much that he puts up with her screaming and jealousy and controlling nature as well as her physical abuse because his daughter is the most important thing in his life. The fact is, he's miserable. He's so young (19) and doesn't want to settle down with her. He can't stand Karen and longs to be independent enough so he wouldn't have to live with her, but he has no education, no car, and no place of his own. I love his baby so much and I know I could take responsibility for her if I had to. I'm afraid to tell him that I am in love with him because his life is complicated enough, and I don't want to make things worse. I love him so much and I'm pretty sure that if he managed to break up with Karen he would be with me. Well, my question is, should I confess that I'm in love with him? And is there anything I can do to help him leave Karen without him giving up his child?

Hi Tara,

Thanks for writing...Some pretty interesting options you've pointed out for yourself in the end...How about this for an option? How about the possibility of being with someone who loves You for You, isn't living with a current girlfriend, hasn't already cheated on you, doesn't have any children who are suffering in an unhealthy living environment, and who can actually contribute to your relationship without being a charity case? Who coulda thunk?

First things first - He CHEATED you...Whatever situation he's in, however bad it is, it is no excuse for him to allow you to form feelings for him, and then for him to later finally come clean about his real situation. Not only did he cheat On you (with an already established girlfriend, so he really cheated on Her - you come in second place), but he also cheated you out of the opportunity to make an informed decision about your relationship with him because of his blatant and outright LIES. I don't care how bad his situation seemingly is...He unfairly suckered you into it and his little web of deceit...If he cared about you a Little, he wouldn't do that to you.

Don't you DARE tell him that you love him as he doesn't even come close to deserving it. It's wonderful you feel so much empathy for him...However, you have not make any drastic mistakes in your life (as he has) where you have to lie and connive to while away the time and keep you from boredom...He is LIVING with his GIRLFRIEND. He might say whatever, but if it is as bad as he says, and if he is even half a man, he'd take care of that situation first before getting someone completely innocent (like yourself) involved. You might feel that you love him, but he certainly does Not love you. He's Using you in the most base sense of the word.

Remember, he's been lying to you from day one, so really take a look at things. You think that the parents are FORCING him to stay with "Karen"? Let's see...He has no education, job, car, income, or place to live (which all equals up to Freeloader in most Parents' eyes), yet they threaten him that he has to stay there? Ummmm....sure. And he's contributing........? NOTHING. I can almost guarantee you that the parents are not forcing him to do anything, other than to finally take on some responsibility in his life, which he does not seem to want to do - He'd rather find other people to sleep with and spend time away from the girl he impregnated and his child. Now for Karen...He wants to be independent from her because she's controlling (he has no job, is living for free off of her/her family's generosity, not bringing in any income or value to the relationship - So what is she doing, asking him to help out around the house? And that's controlling?), she's jealous (he's cheated on her with You, and who knows who else, so she obviously is spot on with that mentality), and she yells at him a lot (this I can believe because this guy is such a loser I'd have laryngitis by now)... OPEN YOUR EYES, Tara!!!!!

If this guy had one iota of decency, he'd do whatever he can to: 1) provide for his child in any way possible, 2) leave you alone as it is not only unfair to you and your future, but it is completely unfair to the woman of his child, 3) try to make the home life as happy and stable as possible for his child, and 4) if he really chose to be apart from Karen, then he would focus on doing whatever he could to get himself out of there and still maintain a healthy relationship with the Mother (if possible) and the child.

Tara, lace up your track shoes and Run, Run, Run...You are getting sucked into a no-win situation. I bet you that if you asked Karen how things were, she would think everything was good between she and this jerk. I'm sure she has no idea that he's been cheating on her, and if she did, then I'd hope she'd have enough self-respect and care for her child to kick his no-good, leaching butt right out the door. Cut your losses and get away from this fake drama. You deserve to be completely happy with someone who can contribute to your mutual relationship on many levels...Someone who is completely free and clear to make the choice to love you for you, and for you to be free to make that similar choice. I know it's hard to see when you're so close to it, but this guy has lied to you from day one. I wouldn't be surprised if everything is happy at his home and he's merely cheating on Karen...He probably doesn't want to give you up because he sees what a great person you are...But that's too bad. He made his commitments, and now he has to live with them.

Please Tara, leave this jerk and move on...Cut him off completely. It might be hard to see now, but in the future, you'll be SO much happier that you did. Concentrate on YOU and realize all the potential you have within you...and then Work towards it and let NO ONE deter you from it. Once you are on the right path, you will only be willing to share your valuable time with people who will contribute to your life, not unfairly leach away from it. Your future and your future happiness is all that matters, so take it very seriously. I hope this helps, keep in touch, and please take care of yourself...Have a great and safe holiday season!

Name: Faith
City: Lake Charles
Question: Me and My husband began having problems about 9 months ago. We married march 2000 and are from completely different worlds, mine being liberal and not too religious. He was home-schooled and strict Baptist. He did not want me to do any social drinking at all.( probably no more than 2x a month and only 1-3 drinks). I knew he didn't want me to, so I stopped. However, I began to completely change my lifestyle to suit him. I never went out with any of my friends, I couldn't do anything but cook and clean without him pouting or getting upset. and Definitely no drinking at all. I got tired of this lifestyle really fast. I love him so much but I can even have a job because he believes the wife should stay home. I just cant live that way. he doesn't like me (he said that). And he cant accept me going out or drinking. I gave him more than three months to at least try to compromise with me and when he didn't I left. For those 3 months he was so mean, and was very emotionally abusive. Its been 4 months and I have been going out with someone else. He says if he sees us together he will kill him. we are still married because we did something called a covenant marriage where its really hard to get out of. I still love him so much but I gave up so much to be with him and he still wont compromise, yet he says I am the one who is throwing away our marriage. What do you think about the whole thing?

Hi Faith,

Two Words - Marriage Counseling. This guy comes from sounds like a pretty severe fundamentalist background and he needs to open his eyes to what the 21st century is all about. It's not entirely his fault because since he was home schooled, he might not have as much opportunity of broad-based social interaction as others...But he has to come to the table. Your battle is a long one because he doesn't see the marriage as a partnership. He sees the wife as property more than anything else, and for him to realize the real essence and joy of Faith, it will take some serious intervention. Good luck with this one...It might be a long road, but I will say that I hope he sees how lucky he is that you want to work through this with him. Let's hope that he realizes that and is willing to give up his skewed views in order to make this last...Take care, and happy holidays!

Q & A: "she woke up one morning and found her Mom having sex with my ex-boyfriend"

2008-04-17T15:47:00.000-07:00

Name: Leanne
Country: England
Question: Hi I am a girl who is in her 20's I have been in an abusive relationship before, I met my current boyfriend nearly one year ago he has a lovely daughter who I love very much, the problems is that I have my own house and my boyfriend stays here a lot and I found some love letters, valentine cards etc. from his x, I don't know how old they are do I confront him about them? or do you think he still loves her please answer this please.

Hi Leanne,

Greeting to the UK! I'm interested to hear how you feel about you current boyfriend as a mate. You mention his daughter, your old relationship, but nothing that gives any perspective to your relationship with him. I get the feeling you're very cautious where he's concerned, and that these letters are not helping things. I'd say to definitely bring them up to him and allow him to explain them. Don't jump to conclusions just yet, as they might be a simple oversight (He brought over some things that had old letters in them from a past relationship - He doesn't care about her anymore, but didn't realize he still had those letters in that old bag, etc.)...I can't imagine that he would try to hide a current affair or love interest and keep the evidence at Your house where he doesn't even live.

You obviously care for his daughter, and that's got to mean something to him...I can't say if he still loves her or not, but I'm thinking that the odds are in your favor that he doesn't...Bring them up to him casually and gauge his reaction. I'm pretty certain they were an oversight and he'll think nothing of them...However, if he creates a big stink about them or seems to cherish them and won't let them go, then that's something to consider...Write me back if that happens and we'll tackle that situation if it comes up...Otherwise, thanks for visiting the site, please spread the word about it, keep in touch, and have a very Safe and Happy holiday season!

Name: Amna
City: Karachi (Pakistan)
Question: do u think that any such thing as ''momentarily attraction'' exists? my best friend's boyfriend is attracted to me but only in my presence...we r in a same college and we've been friends from the start...the reason why he gets attracted to me is that we both have same interests and hobbies...but there is no chemistry...my friends gets really jealous...what should I do?

Hello Amna,

Greetings to Pakistan! It's hard to say what's going on in this situation...You mentioned that he's attracted to you in your presence, but it seems that you two only seem to connect over common interests, which is very innocent. You've already stated that there is no chemistry, and if there's none of that, then I think there's really nothing to worry about in this whole scenario. Tell your friend to stop being jealous and be happy that you can relate to her partner on a friendship level...If she's jealous of the interests that you two share, there's nothing stopping her from learning more and participating more in the common interests as well...Then she'll really have nothing to be jealous of and can be happy that her best friend, her boyfriend, and she all gets along so famously. Hope this helps, and take care...

Name: Casie
City: Murfreesboro
Question: This is going to sound like a total Jerry Springer episode but it really happened. I went out with this guy for six months. I fell deeply in love with him. He is 22 and I am 17. Well, we broke up promising each other that we would still get back together because we truly loved each other. Well, at my thanksgiving dinner today with my family he came and he also brought is new 39 year old g/f with him. He was invited because he is a friend of the family. Well, his g/f brought her daughter with her also (which she is my age!). I knew her daughter because we had met a few years ago and had been really good friends. Her name is Krystal. Well, I found out today that this guy that I supposedly was supposed to marry is a loser. While I was with him he was sleeping with Krystal. They were sleeping together for about a month and she woke up one morning and found her Mom having sex with my ex-boyfriend. I have no clue what to do. I really need advice! Please help!

Hi Casie,

Wow...Yes, you definitely have tickets to Springer. Time for you to simply let go...Completely forget about this guy. Let your family know what's going on with him (you might want to leave out the sleeping together part since you're so much younger than him and in some states it could be illegal, not to mention just morally wrong) and they'll take your side as well. First off, he cheated on you, so he's gone - done, finito, bye-bye...Now, Krystal and her Mom need their heads examined, and I mean that literally - Especially for the Mom. It's one thing for a woman to have a fling with someone much younger (as long as no one gets hurt, there's nothing wrong with it as long as everyone's an adult), it's quite another to make moves on your daughter's boyfriend (or even allow him to make moves on her)...And it's Quite another to continue the relationship in full view and defiance of her daughter's feelings...That's just about the coldest thing I've ever heard of...Distance yourself away from all these people...What a complete waste of your time. Concentrate on yourself and making you the best person you can be...Get focused on your future, because if you don't, no one else will (that's one of Life's little unmentioned promises). One day you can be sure that you will fall in love with someone who doesn't use their age as an advantage (someone more in your age group) and also won't sleep with your friends and their families. I'm glad you see that this is so far gone it's almost laughable enough to be a trashy television show...I'm just sorry that you were involved. It's time to cut your losses and move on...Hope this helps, and hope the rest of your Holidays are MUCH happier...Take care.

Q & A: "I am in the military and she is an exotic dancer"

2008-04-17T15:46:00.000-07:00

Name: Sen
Question: I am a student , 23 years old. My problem is that so long I have lived like a loner, which is what everyone thinks about me. Now I want to change: I realize I won't be able to live that way. But I am not able to do it i.e., to change myself, to become more social, share with everybody and take part in social life. Please advise me how to proceed. Thanks for providing help online.

Hi Sen,

Thanks for writing...I guess the best way is to start small. Start building relationships with those that you spend the most time with...if you live in a dorm, then really take advantage of the setting and start to hang out with some of the people who you deem receptive. It's all very casual...You don't need to feel uptight about it. If you don't live in a dorm, then I am sure your school has clubs that meet often and might have shared interests that you can contribute to. All you need is a connection, whether it be through shared experience or common interest, to start some kind of friendship. Just be loose, be yourself, and don't worry what other think of you. Once you start opening up a bit, you'll feel a lot more comfortable with it...It's all about building trust with certain individuals and them doing the same with you. Open up a little, and listen to them when they reciprocate...You'll have fast friends in no time. Just don't put too much pressure on yourself and everything will work out fine...Hope this helps, and have a Safe and Happy Holiday season!

Name: Kayla
Question: I was just told by my X boyfriend that I'm bad at kissing. What can I do to improve my kissing skills?

Hi Kayla,

Thanks for writing...Improving any skill takes practice and open communication with your partners. This does not mean to open a kissing booth or just go kiss-crazy on the general population. When you find yourself in a relationship with a suitable partner, be open and honest about it and keep trying...Just remember everyone likes different things. One partner might like a kissing style that is wholly different from what another likes. You must simply be happy and comfortable with your own style, and if you really like the way one person kisses over another, then try to keep that in mind for the future. But again, everyone likes different things...Just take your time and talk to your partner about it if it really bothers you - I'm sure he'll be willing to help you practice.

LAST NOTE - Your Ex-boyfriend is REALLY NOT the best place to heed advice from when it comes to personal issues...It Just Might come across a little skewed. Keep in mind the source of your information and take it with a grain of
salt...Anyway, hope this helps, and best of luck to you...Have a great Holiday season!

Name: Will
Question: Well here is my question. I am a little confused about a relationship of sorts that I am in now. The girl I met is 22 and I'm 24. I am in the military and she is an exotic dancer. hen everything first started we just sat and talked, and had really good conversations. I mean I like her a lot and would really like to be her significant other. She has had a really bad experience just recently and one night I spent at her house we didn't "go all the way" but there was a sexual encounter. The next day she told me that she really liked what happened but just wanted to be friends. So as of right now I have spent the night with her a couple times and did nothing, as well as hanging out together. Now she has told me many times that she really cares about me and knows my exact work schedule without me even telling her. When I get stuck out of town because my job entails me to do that sometimes she gets upset. Whenever she goes out she always calls me to go with. I really like her and I don't want to ruin this by making the wrong move. She says she wants to be friends but I feel there is more to it. I have asked her about it and she continues to say just friends. She's told me that I was a unique person and I know things that she hasn't told other people just as she knows things about me I haven't told anyone. So to sum it up my question is am I reading too deeply into this or is there really a chance for a relationship? Please help cause I'm really confused, Thanks

Hi Will,

Thanks for writing...Interesting situation. Take into consideration her situation on things (which it seems like you do) and look at things from her perspective. First of all, she's an Exotic Dancer. There's nothing wrong with that, but I am sure that with her being leered at everyday from men (single, married, whatever) and knowing how simple it is to effect them with a look, move, or whatever, her view of men might be a little skewed. She probably looks at the general male population as a bunch of hormone-indulged lemmings who will throw money away for little return...She also has probably seem some instances where the general ideology of Trust and Men has been pretty shattered. She's seen men actively offer to cheat on their wives/girlfriends, spend more time at the bar than at home, waste money that they really can't afford, come off as desperate and a little sad, and the list goes on and on...Imagine if you worked in such a setting - I am sure your view of the opposite sex and relationships would be scarred and cynical. Also, you've alluded to the fact that she had a really bad relationship as well, so that just pushes her even farther away from the commitment table...

So in walks Will...Now I am taking it for granted that she met you where she works. If that's the case, you were probably simply one of the everyday, leering crowd. But you've differentiated yourself from the others, and now I'm sure she's confused about it all. Listen, she will have a lot more trust issues to deal with than the average woman because her entire career as a dancer she's been bombarded with the reality of what's in front of her. I am sure she's met some very nice people at her work, but I am sure she wouldn't think of dating them...Also, I hear that some clubs really discourage any kind of relationships with customers because it could be seen as something less than savory...So as far as building trust, you (and truly any other guy) are really behind the 8-ball.

That being said, it sounds like you are making some progress and are really interested in her as a person, which is important (I can almost guarantee you that any other males at her job really don't care to find out what she's all about). Be patient...You've got to realize that it will take her a lot longer to get to the same focus and trust level that you would like to be at. I think there is a chance for a relationship, but it will be a long and potentially difficult road. One thing that might help her is to leave that environment altogether so she can see a more universal view of people...Right now, she's only being presented with a very defined view of what people are all about.

I think you're doing fine...Just keep it up and be persistent without pushing too much. She will soon realize that you care for her more than simply as an object to gawk at or a trophy to own...And that she might have a true future with you. Just be understanding of her situation and help her see things the way they really are where you are concerned. This will take time, but I think it's not a lost cause...Good luck, hope this helped, and have a very Safe and Happy Holidays to you.

PS - Thanks for keeping our country safe...You and your brothers and sisters at arms have the debt, gratitude, prayers, and best wishes of an entire nation...Don't forget that...Good luck and God Bless...

Q & A: "don't know how to tell my Mom I am bisexual"

2008-04-17T15:43:00.000-07:00

Name: Beverly
City: Glendale
Question: I feel alone and lost. Last June I lost my husband of 37yrs. Since his death I have tried to meet other people of my age, one reason is because I am not a very outgoing person. I'm 56 yrs old and I am looking for someone to just be a friend. Just someone to talk to and maybe go out with. Not a romance. I've tried to find out if there is a widow's club here in AZ, but can't seem to find one. I go to church every Sat or Sun. I have gone to grief sessions but I just can't seem to move on. I just don't know where to start. I work and I have friends at work but I still don't feel like I have a life of my own. I married my husband when I was 17 and he was 20. He was my whole life. If I could just meet or talk to someone who has been through the same as me.

Hi Beverly,

I am so sorry for your loss. Thankfully, there are a lot of outlets that might be of benefit to you, and it looks like you've already taken advantage of two of them. Church is a great place to meet someone, and there might be times when the church will sponsor a singles get-together for their congregation. You might also want to look around to see if there are some religious-sponsored single get-togethers that are not sponsored by a particular church. You should be able to find this via the newspaper or even through general advertising at church. The grief group is another way to gel with people who are in the same life situations as yourself. I've also heard of clubs sponsored by hospitals and community centers that are focused on getting widowed people out with others who have lost. Volunteering is another great way to get out of the house and meet interesting people. There's a gazillion clubs/chat rooms on the internet, but the only issues I have with them is that sometimes you have to be extremely careful who whom you meet/share personal information with on the internet (there's a lot of wonderful people out there, but as in real life, there are some whom you might meet in cyberspace that has ulterior motives), and also the more time you spend on the internet is more time you're spent cooped up in the house. Look into doing some volunteer work if you have the time, or at least joining some community clubs that share your same interests. Just getting out and getting on with your life will bring you more exposure as well as more self-confidence. It won't replace your loss, but it will make it more bearable through these difficult times...I hope this helps, and best of luck to you...

Name: Jaime
Question: Well I use to like this guy Joe. Recently he was put in jail for 1-3 years. I started talking to his brother Jason. Now I like Jason and he likes me. I don't know what to do. Because their brothers. But then again Joe is in jail for a long time. What should I do?

Hi Jaime,

Thanks for writing...My advice is to drop both of them. Joe is now a felon, and his brother is not showing much loyalty to him (I'm sure the family is so proud of both of them). Stay away from that whole family and concentrate on what is REALLY important in your life - which is getting yourself on the best and right track for your future. Joe and Jason are mere distractions from what you need to accomplish in making you the best Jaime you've ever dreamed of. Keep on doing what is right for YOU and everything else will fall into place...You'll soon be much more confident and realize that you won't have time to waste on people who drag you down or keep you from moving forward. Eventually you'll find someone who really appreciates who You are and not know what the inside of a prison looks like as well. Wouldn't that be great? Anyway, happy holidays to you, and best of luck...

Name: Melissa
City: Keanry
Question: I am a 17yr old woman that is going through this problem: I am bisexual and have had a relationship with a girl before but don't know how to let my Mom know that I go this way cause I'm scared that maybe I will one day turn totally dyke, you know, help me please

Hi Melissa,

Thanks for writing...It's hard for me to really remark on this because I'm not too sure to what extent you're delving into this lifestyle. You say you've had a relationship with a girl, but for how long? Exclusively? There's a lot of questions that I don't know the answers to where you are concerned. All I know is that you very well might be what is considered "Bi", but you also might be simply experimenting as well. I say this because you emote fear of "turning" into a "dyke"...You make it sound like some progressive, uncontrollable disease, when it's not. I think the best thing for you to do is going to see a counselor and getting this all out on the table. I'm not saying you're Not gay, and I'm not saying you are...I think that at 17, most people go through some very complicated, conflicted, and emotionally charged times where it's hard sometimes to see which way is up (or down for that matter). Bisexuality is one of those somewhat gray areas that people have difficulty setting down what are the parameters that qualify such a designation...In other words - who's to say? Go to your counselor...Just because you had a one-night stand or an exploratory tryst with another girl does not necessarily mean you're dedicated to one lifestyle or another...Only YOU can ultimately determine that direction. Talk it through and hopefully you'll feel better about this whole situation soon....I hope this helps, and have a very happy and safe holiday season...

Name: Natalia
Question: I met a guy and we have such a connection it's not even funny and he has to move away for a little while and get his life together and I want to tell him EXACTLY how I feel but I don't know if I should do that or how to, he knows that I care but it seems like I should tell him. I don't know though. He seems to be getting nervous that he is moving and keeps telling me that I will always be in his life. I don't know what to do.

Hi Natalia,

Thanks for writing...If this person actually has to move away to get his life back in order, let him. It's a great litmus test for you as well...If he gets it straightened out and returns, then his mind will hopefully be clear and set and the two of you can continue what you have built thus far. If he doesn't return, then it's all the best as you want to be able to grow with a person instead of your entire relationship being spent on helping him rebuild. Remember - You Both deserve to be happy...it's equal. If you tell him how you feel, it might put a little undue stress/weight on him when he needs to be focused...It might make you feel better that you got it off your chest in the short term, but it might do more harm than good in the long run. Let him get his act together and see how it turns out. If he comes back a better man, then it's better for you as well...If he doesn't, then it's still good for you because you can be happy that you are not entrenched in a difficult relationship...It gives you the freedom to be with someone who is well-grounded themselves and has the foundation set to really build a wonderful future with you - together...that's what you ultimately want, anyway. Best of luck to you, please spread the word about the site, and have a very happy and safe holiday season...

Q & A: "she is a bit concerned that I'm aroused watching men"

2008-04-17T15:40:00.000-07:00

Name: Mike
Question: been married for 2 years. recently after getting drunk one night we each slept with our best friends in front of each other. After a few weeks went by, my wife told me for almost a year she hasn't been happy and doesn't know if she wants to be married or not, she said she has feelings for my friend but not enough to leave me. she insists that our marriage or what is lacking in it is the problem. she separated from me for a week, and says she needs to figure out if she wants this. again, she insists she loves me and misses me but wants to make the right decision, now I'm waiting on her. I told her cut and dry I would change and could go on without her I made it clear I wanted to work this out, yet she is still unsure. am I a waiting fool or is there more to it? what should I do?

Hi Mike,

RUN, don't walk, to a marriage counselor. While there are people who swear by "open" marriages, I never see them lasting very long. It only leads to confusion and pain, and most times sooner than later. She's confused because I think she sees issues with the partner swapping as just another yet very serious issue aside from the original problems she saw in the marriage. This is not going to be solved quickly...It will take a lot of work to put this back to being somewhat normal, but if you love each other, then both of you have to come to the table and give it your all. There's obviously communication issues that are a cause, as she didn't tell you of her feelings for over a year, and then your recent co-dalliance just exacerbated the situation. This is nothing that she will be able to figure out on her own...This is a major problem in Your marriage so Both of you need to work on it Together... Going to counseling immediately is the first step. Oh - and find other friends as that "history" will now always be an issue in your marriage and the friendships of those you had that "shared" experience with. Hope this helps, and best of luck to you...

Name: Phil
Question: My wife and I have been married about three years. We communicate well and have a strong marriage. Like many other guys, I look at attractive women on TV. and computer. My wife knows that I would never want to cheat on her. She trusts me... Here's the issue: I consider myself to be completely heterosexual. I dated lots of women prior to marriage. I would never want to be with a man. A few years ago, my wife and I started to watch figure skating occasionally. After a while, I gradually became a big fan. I like to watch men's figure skating more than women's. I noticed about a year and a half ago that I would often become aroused when watching men's figure skating. My wife began to notice that I like the men's more than the women's figure skating. She even asked me if it turned me on at all. I was reluctant at first, but I have admitted that it often does turn me on. I am embarrassed to admit that watching men figure skate is arousing to me. I don't get aroused watching other men doing other things. It's pretty much just figure skating. My wife has been very supportive and understanding. Naturally, she is a little bit concerned about the fact that I'm aroused watching men. I would never cheat on my wife with a man or woman. Is this very unusual? Should we be worried? I follow websites that cover men's figure skating. Sometimes I get stimulated looking through these websites. My wife will read this message and any response that you give. Thanks for any suggestions that you can give.

Hi Phil,

Thanks for writing...My first inclination is to guess that there's a lot of latent, historical, deeply underlying/hidden emotions that you are carrying below the surface that is leading to this kind of reaction. Seems to me that there are some issues that are unresolved (or maybe never confronted) that come to the surface during whenever you become immersed with this sport. The best and most helpful place to start is with a counselor/therapist. I don't think that it's an issue that is threatening your marriage as your wife seems to be solidly in your corner. However, this situation might be alarming enough to you to not simply just let it slip away unactioned. I'm pushing for closure on this as there could be a lot more to this than what I can tell, but also it might really be nothing at all...But it bears investigation if you are worried about it. Sorry for being a little brief on it, but I'm thinking that it will take a lot of concentrated digging with a therapist in person to get to the root of the matter. Let me know how you progress on this, and I hope this helps...Best of luck, and Happy Holidays!

Q & A: "I love him, but how much more do I have to give up to be with him?"

2008-04-17T15:38:00.000-07:00

Name: Sammie
City: Nutley
Question: Hi - I am so torn right now; I have been in a wonderful relationship for 7 months. The last 4 have been long distance due to jobs etc., Now we are at a point that the traveling is too much and we want to be together everyday. I have already compromised, willingly, to leave my career to start a life where he is (but not before he proposes). My dilemma is this- he loves his outdoor activities and in a conversation he told me that his 2 week vacation is his time...not to be with me etc., He said no matter what, family or not, he is not going to give that up and if I have a problem with that they we have a bigger problem. I can't help but get angry, and I know I sound like a selfish martyr... but come on... when is it my turn not to give in to something? Help... I love him, but this is making me crazy how much more do I have to give up to be with him? Anxiously to hear your advice

Hi Sammy,

Thanks for writing...As you already know, relationships are built on sacrifice and compromise. That being said, there's never room for a martyr in an equal relationship as once that mentality starts, the balance of "power" is shifted - away from the martyr, usually. So now it all depends on your perception. This man has (rather harshly, I will admit) stated his need to have some "selfish" time during the year. Try not to look at it as a slap to you or a declaration that he doesn't want to spend time with you. Look at it as a time for you to actually take advantage of his time away and for you to do what You'd like to do independently. I'm going on the assumption that he will have No issues if during your vacation you wish to go off and do whatever you'd like on your own - If he does, then you need to take a hard look as to how devoted he is to the thought of your future together.

Remember that people move towards each other at different speeds. He might be hanging on to this notion of "his time" as some of the last vestiges of what he sees as his dwindling individualism. I'm sure that as you two grow together and spend more time together he will see that the joys of spending vacation time with you might be a heck of a lot more fun than sitting in the woods by himself. Give it some time...Relationships are in constant flex and growth. I'm happy you two are looking towards the future, but remember things sometimes progress slower than one would like. Give it time and be open with your feelings with him. Make sure he realizes that although you understand his still feeling that he needs his "space", he's in a Relationship and has to try to work at making you see his point of view in a more accommodating light - In other words, as ardently as he fights for his own feelings, he has to just as equally keep yours in mind. Hope this helps, and best of luck...Don't be a stranger!

Name: Jeanette
Question: Me and my Husband are trying to get pregnant, but I'm also trying to lose weight in the same time. I'm taking some metabolism Herbal diet pills. If I end up being pregnant will the diet Herbal pills effect my pregnancy or the baby?

Hi Jeanette,

Congrats and Good Luck on your attempts to grow your family! As you take on this new responsibility, you definitely want to be smart about it. Speak to your OB/GYN and regular internist and bring the bottle along with you so they can read the label and look at all the ingredients. Most pills have the warning on the label anyway that you should consult with your doctor, and if you're trying to get pregnant, that's excellent advice to follow. As a last resort, try to contact the manufacturer directly to see what their official recommendations are for someone in your situation. Chances are, they'll tell you to keep off that stuff in the best interest of your child. Hope this helps, and best of luck to your new endeavor! Have a wonderful holiday season...

Name: John
City: FL
Question: Hi,
First off, I just want to let you know how thankful I am for finding a page like this. I just need some advice on an issue I have...My mom works with this lady who has a daughter that goes to my old high school. I'm a freshman in college, and the girl, Jen, is a sophomore in high school. Throughout high school, I never went to any homecomings or proms because I never found someone that "special." Jen was going to go to homecoming in a group with her friends, but didn't have a date. She said she was going to be the only person in her group without a date, and was considering not going, so I offered to go with her. I've met Jen in person twice, yet I talk to her online often. She really is a nice girl, and I am glad that I am going to be able to go to the homecoming dance with her. The thing is, however, that I am really nervous. I think she's expecting me to be cool about everything because I'm in college, but I am so nervous. Since I've never gone to any of the dances when I was in high school, I don't really know what to expect. If I can have one wish granted for homecoming, it'd be that she has a great night. But I know that if I'm nervous like this, she probably won't. I've never really fast danced before, so I don't know what to do when it comes to that. I've slow danced with some people, but all I did was pretty much go around in slow circles when dancing. I don't know if that's what I'm supposed to do, or if there are any specific steps to it. We're just friends, but I don't know if I should hold her hand wherever we walk. I'm so terrified of disappointing her. When I offered to take her to homecoming, she said that I "made her day." Homecoming is next weekend. I've had butterflies in my stomach ever since I asked her, and I've had a total of 2 meals in the past 3 days. I don't even feel like eating, because my stomach is in knots. I want her to enjoy herself next weekend. What can I do to ensure that that's what happens? Do you think she's nervous also? And what about the dancing part? Thank you so much for your time.

Hi John,

Thanks for writing and for the compliment as well! Let's hope we can help you here...

First off, take a breath. She'll be there with you, but will also be mingling with her friends, showing you off (You know, the older, "cooler", college-age guy who's going to the date with her), and just relishing the night. Unless there's a big dance contest, I'm not thinking that there's going to be a lot of people ringing the dance floor collectively critiquing your every move. You want her (and yourself) to have a great time? Then just chill and let her relish in the night...By being relaxed, both of you will be able to just go with the flow and enjoy the evening. If you fixate on every possible aspect, you'll be too wound up and uptight to just hang loose and have fun, and that might have an adverse effect on her night as well. Be happy she trusts you enough to escort her, and just enjoy yourself (and BE yourself - don't forget that she likes your friendship because of You, not because of your dance moves)...Hope you both have a blast!

Q & A: "Every single kiss I've experienced has not been appealing at all"

2008-04-17T15:36:00.000-07:00

Name: Kim
Question: I have a ten year old son who is VERY smart to say the least. I have a couple issues with him. He does not do the written part of his homework because when he reads something, he retains it. He feels that if he knows the answers now and when the test comes up then there is no reason to do the homework. I have tried to tell him that it is something that it is something required by him and all the students so it has to be done. But I still have to fight with him on it. He will often tell me he left his homework at school on accident. So I told him that when he forgets his homework, he has to copy the dictionary...word by word. This does not phase him....he loves to read and to learn. I tried giving him extra chores...he has no problem with that either. His teacher does not have an answer for me. Any suggestions? One other thing. His anger. He will not talk to anyone about things that bother him. I have tried going through the school, me, my husband, and I have even paid for counseling. Nothing comes out. He has not seen his natural father since 1994. That is by my ex-husbands choice. I gave him full-contact and he decided not to write, call, or visit. Basically, there are several issues that need to be addressed so he is not angry all the time. How can I get him to open up to me more?

Hi Kim,

Thanks for writing...This can be a pretty difficult thing to handle, so my heart goes out to you. There's two separate issues here, so I'll take them one at a time:

His School - Ask to see your son's standardized test scores. He might be a gifted child and is above the current level of his grade...If this is the case, then the district will have to look into getting him into a special program or to institute individualized sessions for him to follow. He might even have the opportunity to get into a "gifted" school or class within his current school. Also, sit down in a conference with the counselor, your teacher, and the principal and ask for their assistance in trying to collectively decide the best course of action to assist your son to realize his potential and make the most of it. If your son is a distraction/disruption in the class since he's bored, they will be happy to help focus him better while allowing the other children to have a more centered environment within the classroom.

His Anger - I think this might come from the fact that he's really missing a "father" figure in his life. Contact Big Brothers/Big Sisters and see if they can set him up with an older male who will hang out with him, spend time with him, and generally bond. I'm taking for granted here that he's an only child...I think that since the father is absent and he has no siblings, coupled with the fact that he might be smarter than most kids his age, he might really feel isolated...This will give him a chance to share fears and thoughts/dreams/stories with an older male in confidence...It will do wonders for his psyche. Another thing to do is to get him involved in after-school activities...Have him join the YMCA, or the local soccer/football/baseball/basketball/track programs that should be run through your town/county/park district. The local Boys & Girls club should also have programs...If he's bottling things up inside and has no outlet to release them, then things will just continue to fester and continue. Remember - No matter how smart you believe him to be, he's 10...That means that there's going to be a lot of things he still has questions on and doesn't yet understand...Work with him and allow him to grow through them...Hope this helps, and best of luck to you...Have a great holiday season!

Name: Renee
Question: I have always been very shy. I'm a lot more social now than I used to be and am making a lot of friends, but I'm still not quite as social as most of the people I know. I'm a college freshman. What I'm getting concerned about is the fact that I've never had a boyfriend or even been out on a date. I was unpopular in high school, and most people wouldn't talk to me. I'm making many new friends in college, but many of the freshmen I know are getting boyfriends and girlfriends already. It's kind of making me feel bad, because I want to experience those kinds of relationships like everyone else. I feel that I need someone, but I have no idea how it works. I have no idea how people get together or start going out, since I have limited social experience. What do you do, just wait for someone to become interested in you? It's never happened to me before, and I feel it'll never happen if I don't do something. But I don't want to make a fool out of myself. Please help.

Hi Renee,

Be strong within yourself. One thing that you'll notice that most of these dating people have is self-confidence. Focus on yourself right now...You need to realize that you never Need to have someone in your life, but be honest with yourself and realize that you actually do have a lot to offer another person. Once you have that in mind, then you'll be more selective and prudent about those whom you share your heart with. You want to do something, but don't forget - there are women (men do this too) out there who go from partner to partner, night to night, being completely miserable within themselves because they are trying to force themselves into some kind of "loving" relationship. To them, love is like panning for gold...

Concentrate on yourself and who you are and what kind of future Renee can have an all the other peripheral aspects of things, relationships included, will fall into place. Don't force the issue as you'll never be happy that way - only desperate...Be patient and self-fulfilling and things will work out better and more quickly than you ever imagined. I hope this helps, and best of luck to you. Happy Holidays...

Name: Vilija
Question: I'm 16 and I've only kissed a couple of guys in my life. Every single kiss I've experienced has not been appealing at all. I don't find it fun, special, amazing, or anything I've been told kissing was!! I'm wondering why this is. I'm guessing maybe its cause its with the wrong people....and I dunno if that's it. it just grosses me out!! I dunno what my problem is, and I want to change it!! for once id actually like to enjoy kissing. see another thing is, ill like a guy, but when he shows he likes me back, and were in a kissing-type situation I try to avoid it!! I seriously wonder why this happens. I am sooo prude and I wish I wasn't sometimes!! please help me!! thanks!!

Hi Vilija,

As Confucius used to say - "You's Gots to Chill, Girl!" Take it easy - Life is not like in the movies most times. It will be extremely rare to have a full symphony going on with the romantic music in the background while you kiss some boy. Take it easy...Don't rush things. When it's right, it will be right. Your gut feelings shouldn't be considered "prudish", but maybe just simply "smart". You can't hurry or force love...Just be patient. When you finally spend time with that certain someone who really cares for you and you openly care for him, and when you do share your first kiss, you'll understand what other people have been telling you. Trust that little voice inside you and just take it easy...It will come. In the meantime, concentrate on making Vilija's future as bright as possible...Hope this helps, and take care.

Q & A: "I should be concentrating on my wedding, he is on my mind"

2008-04-17T15:33:00.000-07:00

Name: Jessica
Question: I am 23 years old. I am engaged and will be married next year to a very nice man who is 12 yrs older than I am. We have been together for 5 years and now we have bought a home together etc.

About 3 months ago I got introduced to one of my brother's best friend. He and I are from the same place, we are both Puerto Rican and ended up having a lot in common. He is married with 2 kids, I even know his wife. There are a HUGE physical attraction between him and I and that night we ended up kissing. We continue to see each other meeting at my brother's place 2 weeks in a row. Both times we kissed passionately, talked and flirted but that is it. Next time I saw him it was at a house party at his house where my brother and his girlfriend ( who is future my sister in law) went to. I had a lot of fun, I could feel him looking at me when I danced with another guys, etc. That night before I went home I said goodbye to him, he said that he would meet me at my brother's house and that is exactly what happened. My brother went to drop off his girlfriend and I stayed in his place. His friend showed up and we had sex that night. It wasn't good at all I mean I didn't enjoy it at all. He left after we were done and that was it. The days went by he and I talked on the phone etc. and we ended up seeing each other again for another house party at his house. We had a good time that night too except that night I got upset at something he did and ended up leaving the party. He called me and told me to meet him and so I did. We ended up having sex in my car that night, and this time it was better. When I told my brother about it he said that I should call it off and end it because his girlfriend is my sister in law and if anyone found out about it, it will cause too much problems. I called the next day and called it off and he agreed. I haven't talk to him since and I miss that. I am going to see him again in another 2 weeks or so for another house party that I was invited too by his wife. There are days that I want to just hear his voice and talk to him like before. I am confused because although I know I should be concentrating on my wedding, he is on my mind. I wish I can just talk to him and hear what he has to say.

Give me some advise... what is the best way to act when I see him again? Do I act indifferent, friendly? I want him to want me yet I know that I shouldn't play games with him. I know the proper thing to do is just forget about him but I genuinely like him as a person, and want to become his friend. I am not sure what to do? I know better yet he is just too appealing to me that I cannot resist. I am not the only woman he messes around with, to him this is a life style. He is not the only person I have done this with either. I do love my future husband and I know that once I am married I will not do this anymore. It is just that I like the attention and excitement that comes along with him. He is a funny individual and I enjoy his company. I need some advise ASAP. What do I do when I see him in 2 weeks?

Hi Jessica,

Thanks for writing. You have serious thinking to do...It sounds to me like you should call off your wedding AND you friendship with this guy. Your brother is completely right...This whole scenario is WAY too close to home where the repercussions will be felt for a very long time. There are so many things wrong with this picture that I don't even know where to start...

I'll start here - If you think that going to the altar and getting married is going to be the impetus that will change your cheating ways, unfortunately you're wrong. You are already exhibiting pursued actions of infidelity, so it will be very easy for you to fall back into cheating whether you have a ring on or not. Not once did you exclaim any worry about hurting your future husband, its effect on your potential marriage, etc. You are seriously taking you future for granted with your fianc?and that's wrong as well. All you talk about is the fact that you can't seem to stay away from this guy who repeatedly cheats on his wife, and how you don't want to play mind games with him and possibly hurt him (Ummmmm...what about your FIANC????), and you want to have him as a friend (with friends like THAT, who needs enemies OR Husbands?). That's Your problem (I'm not going to go into what caliber of person this other guy is as it seems extremely low), and you have to fix it if you want to have any kind of long-term happiness in your future relationships.

Right now, it doesn't seem that you're even close to being ready to get married. You don't seem to grasp the concept of what it means to say your vows (and truly mean them), to commit yourself to someone for the rest of your life, etc. You are far more interested in trying to figure out the best way to keep a relationship with someone you're cheating with. I think the best course of action is to completely forget about this guy. Since you claim to do love your husband, then you'd better realize that commitment requires focus and Selflessness, neither of which you seem to exhibit very strongly. For his sake, leave him too.

In your defense, you've been with your current man since you were 18, so you probably feel you haven't enjoyed the playtime your other friends have. It seems to me you don't have those "party" years out of your system yet. You have to make a choice - Either you grow up and mature real fast before the wedding and realize that this is a true commitment and a promise to Love someone more than yourself, or call off the wedding and live your life the way you want to. You've cheated on your fianc?before with others, you're cheating on him now, and there will be no beam of cleansing light that will shine on you on your wedding day that will stop your cheating in the future. You are the only one that can effect that kind of change. Personally, I think you should call off the wedding and get your selfish desires out of your system (That never really happens, but people tend to mature over time and their priorities change) before you settle down with someone and start raising a family. That way, the least amount of people gets hurt. You're young, so I can't blame you for being more concerned about yourself right now...But if you are going to be doing grown-up things like getting married, then you have to be mature enough to realize you can't hurt others for your own selfish needs. Call off the wedding if you even care a little about your fianc? He deserves to have a fianc? who is focused on the relationship they share and their potential future. You deserve to have fun, but not at anyone else's expense. Part ways...Maybe you can still be together later on, you never know. but right now, the two of you are on different levels of thought and action. Also, forget about this other guy...If you are really going to break things off to enjoy yourself, enjoy it, but don't help him hurt others either. Stick with the single people. Hope this helps, and best of luck to you.

Name: Kristi
City: Boise
Question: well here goes I am 16 years old and I want to drop out of school, Its really hard for me to wake up that early and I get teased all the time! What should I do?

Hi Kristi,

I know it's tough right now, but believe me - As you get older, getting up early is going to be the least of your worries if you want to be even remotely self-sufficient. No Matter What - Stay In School. If you are having problems in school, talk to your counselor...Try to get help with that and your focus. If you are getting teased all the time and it's for good reason, then take it as constructive criticism and change your ways (like if it's about your trouble getting up early - there's really no argument). Try going to bed earlier if it's so very difficult for you in the mornings. If you think it might be a physiological or medical problem, consult your doctor about it...Now if the teasing is mean-spirited, then those people are certainly not worth your time. If it's overboard, then definitely get the school faculty involved. Every kid/child/teenager in this country should DEMAND the best of their educational opportunities. This is YOUR FUTURE - You're going to let Sleep (or teasing about it) keep you from realizing your dreams? You're going to just drop out of school because you want more sleep and then you'll do.......what? And your future aspirations are.....??? America is THE land of opportunity...But its opportunity are most available for those who challenge themselves and work for it. No one is going to walk up to you and hand you a career/mansion/wealthy lifestyle. However, if you Work at it and Focus on it, there's also no one who can keep you from realizing your dreams. Wake up (Pun definitely intended) and start living your life. Hope this helps, and best of luck to you.

Q & A: "Every day seems to last forever and nothing I do brings me happiness"

2008-04-17T15:32:00.000-07:00

Name: Dustin
City: Princeton
Question: Nearly one year ago, on my birthday, my fiance left me. It's been nearly a year and yet it feels like only weeks have passed. I say I am over her, and many people believe that I am. Sometimes I can even convince myself that I am moving on with my life, but I always come back to the feeling of absolute depression. Every day seems to last forever and nothing I do brings me happiness. Short of psychological help, is there anything I can do that might help me get over this?

Hi Dustin,

Contrary to your belief, counseling might be the salve for your wound you're seeking...You have some issues to work out, and since you were left with no recourse (she ended it, not you - and rather callously on your Birthday I might add) to resolve anything, a third party is really the best option for you. This can be through a counselor, clergyman, or other mediating professional. You can talk this over with your friends, and I'm sure they will be there to help you...However, if you've already convinced everyone you've moved on and you don't feel like rehashing everything and having to worry about perceptions of you in your social life, then go to a counselor and just talk about the relationship and get advice on how to really move on. It's confidential, personal, direct, and your friends won't know unless you tell them. Go to counseling (whatever form you choose) and get it over with...You've dealt with it for a year now...It's time for you to release it and start living your life again. Get your focus back and be yourself. You deserve it. It might be a lot easier to get control of your life back than you imagine. I hope this helps, and best of luck to you...

Name: Velda
City: Chicago
Question: Hi, I need your advice on this one. I have this friend since I've known from high school and she got pregnant by her boyfriend. She is twenty-one years old and he is forty years old and he physically abuses her. He be calling her some vulgar names which I can't say on here because it is racist and it also pertains to a woman. Anyway nobody knows her situation but me and another friend of hers. So I tried to talk to her about leaving him but she keeps on going right back to him and pretend nothing has happened. She been through this before with him and nothing has changed. Now she is pregnant and she wants to have an abortion. Like I've said no one knows about this but me and a friend of hers. So again I tried to talk her out of having an abortion but her mind is set on doing it. She said that she is not fit to be a mother and she is also afraid of her parents and her boyfriend for what they might do to her. To make matters worse this she had four abortions in the past and now this will be her fifth one! I am tried of going through this with her again. I have a life of my own and I want her to stop pulling me in her mess. If she have an abortion, I am seriously thinking about not talking to her anymore. What can I do?

Hi Vela,

Thanks for writing. As far as I can tell, your options are pretty limited. Try to see if you can take your friend to a counselor...Since it's only you and one other person that she tells things to, there's a good chance that by now she just tunes out anything you tell her. She feels better that she shares with you and gets things off her chest, but then she also is using you because she knows how to tune you out and she knows she can just continue on as she has been. It's a pretty vicious cycle...I think you should get with this other person and arrange some kind of intervention with a professional for her. She really, really needs it. She speaks her mind, using you to assuage her guilty/sad feelings, but she knows she won't listen to you...She's basically scared to share with anyone else because she doesn't want to face the truth and actually take the steps to improve her life...It sounds like she's in a bad rut she can't see her way out of (abuse can do that to people), but she's not allowing you to show her the way. If you really want to help her, then take the wheel and drive her to where she needs to be.

I agree with her in that she's not fit to be a mother right now...Can you imagine the quality of life her child would have? Thank goodness she has that much clarity about her, even though she doesn't see how dire her own situation is. However, I really don't agree with her using abortions as a birth control. She needs to be taken out of her situation or she'll never progress...Get with her friend and help her out...Or break her trust and tell her family. It's way over your head now and you are not allowed by her to really sway her opinion or actively assist in changing...So now you pretty much have to take some drastic measures if you want to help her. I know you want to give up on the situation as a whole as you are always hitting a brick wall, but go ahead and give it this one last shot. You are a good friend and I know you want to keep her trust and help her...But now you truly need the help of others to do that. She needs to get as far away from this guy as she can (For too many reasons to mention) and see that she can actually enjoy herself and her life. She deserves to be happy, but she can't see that she's truly stuck...She also can't see that she has options. She will one day have to realize that she can actually have an equal, respectful relationship with another person...That Love is never to be confused with fear, secrets and cover-ups. But she needs to be completely out of this guy's life (and vice versa) and to start living her own life. If you can help her do that, then there's hope...Best of luck to you and kudos for being such a good friend...

Name: Debbie
City: Chicago
Question: I have had a really long and complicated relationship with my I-don't-know-what-to-call-him, Darren. He was the first man I had ever dated who felt like a real match for me. We started out as friends, and then became very close, best friends. I began to have strong feelings for him, and sometimes it seemed like he felt them too. We even had some romantic encounters, but they seemed to confuse him and then he would back off for a while, even date other people. I still had those strong feelings about him, but we were able to remain very close friends. However, when the next summer came, we fell together in the most satisfying relationship I have ever experienced. We loved each other, and I felt totally beautiful, sexy, smart, and secure with him. He was the first man I ever made love to. Then at the end of the summer, he was graduating, and going on to a different school (as he was a few years older than I was). We agreed to see other people, as we both didn't see a long-distance relationship working out. At first it seemed like it was really working. I was dating someone else, and so was he. We continued to tell each other everything and be the best of friends through the Internet and a few phone calls. When he came back to visit the first time, I had just ended the short relationship I had had that fall, but he was still very involved with his girlfriend. However we were at a party together and we both felt very tempted to do the things we had so enjoyed that summer. However, we resisted these temptations, and he went back to his school, and we continued to be confidants via Internet and telephone. Then as his relationship was uncomfortably ending with this other girl, he came home for holidays. He was at my place just hanging out and talking and we ended up fooling around. We didn't have sex, but we both realized that we loved each other and the connection and attraction between us was very strong. He had to leave a few days later, but we kept up long daily conversations, and somehow I still felt very fulfilled. I loved him, and still love him very much. He said (and still says!) he loves me. He is my very best friend, and I think about him constantly.
However, in the past few days he had seems a little distant when I spoke with him, and when I asked him what was wrong he would just say he was tired. Finally yesterday, I asked what was really going on, and that I loved him very much, and he knew he could tell me anything. He told me that he thinks he is gay. Now normally, I would be a little upset by this, but he says this almost every time he breaks up with a girl. But this time, just something about him, it seems more serious. I ended the conversation telling him that he should find out for sure, and no matter what I would be behind him. The best friend part of me will be of course. But the part of me that loves him, is falling apart. It was bad enough when he was dating another girl. At least then I had the possibility to be with him again. But now it will be impossible. I don't even know if he is serious this time. And if he is, how can I be a best friend when I need to be getting over him? I would need space, right? Well, how can I have space when I have to be there for him, need to be there for him, in this time of change for him. I was a friend before I was a lover, and still am first and foremost a friend. But it is tearing me up inside. I love him so much, my life will be so different without him. I don't know how to cope and help him cope at the same time. I don't even know if he is really gay, I mean, HE doesn't even know. I have no reason to be angry with him, but I don't know what to feel. I am so lost, and I feel like a fool for staying with him this whole time. For once I can't talk to him about my problem. What can I do that is best for him and me?

Hi Debbie,

Thanks for writing and always happy to help someone from my neighborhood...My heart goes out to you on this one. There's no easy answer here, and it's a little worse for you Because you're a good person inside. Darren is certainly extremely lucky to have you by his side...This can be a difficult journey, and you have a good enough head on your shoulders to realize that you have a rough road ahead if you follow what you think is right.

One of the largest hurdles you'll have to get over is the fact that this comfortable love relationship you have found for yourself and that you always thought would be there is changing. It's little more difficult to take because he still will be around...If the relationship just ended and you moved apart, then you could take steps to forget about it. You don't have that option here.

There's a lot of issues that he needs to tackle alone, and also those that he can use your comfort for. He doesn't know if he's Gay, Bi, or whatever...He'll have to figure that out for himself. You need to start distancing your romantic feelings from him because you need to realize that at this time, he will never just have his eyes on you. He's way too busy exploring his own feeling and who he should be with...You'll be waiting in futility and wasting your time that could be spent bettering yourself or finding another person who could give you just as much love in return without distraction. You can be his friend, but forget the relationship part...Even if you agree to wait for him while he figures this out (Unfair to both of you - It puts you in limbo and keep him from having a clear mind in really discovering himself), you will be running the risk of exposing yourself to more hurt in the future. His exploration can certainly change/jade him, and not to mention his greater chance of exposure to STD's if he took things that far with a number of partners. He might very well be someone completely different from what you know now...

You sound like a wonderful girl and you deserve to be happy. Keep him as a friend and only that...Really take some time and realize that you have to do things for Debbie first - And that means getting your life on the right track, working on fulfilling your dreams, and doing what's right for your long-term goals and future. He's going through a confusing time, and although he might need your ear or emotional support from time to time, this is a journey that he's best left doing on his own. You have your own life to lead and things you have to accomplish. You also deserve to have the emotional freedom to accept and share love from another if the opportunity presents itself. Don't pass that up or stagnate it by immersing yourself too deeply in what Darren is doing. Be happy for what you shared with him, take it as a learning experience, keep the good memories, and move on. Be there for him as a friend, but think of yourself first...That's what he is ultimately doing, and it's only fair that you do the same thing. You have more things to become in life than a martyr...I hope this helps, and please don't be a stranger. Take care...

Q & A: "our relationship is hanging on by a thread"

2008-04-17T15:31:00.000-07:00

Name: Jennifer
City: Burlington
Question: OK MY QUESTION IS BASED ON RELATIONSHIPS AND FRIENDSHIPS. EVERYDAY I ASK MY SELF WHY I SHOULD LIVE ANOTHER DAY. IT USE TO BE HAPPY UNTIL ALL THIS STARTED IT ALL STARTED ABOUT A YEAR AGO I MEET THIS GUY WE FELL IN LOVE AND THEN 9 1/2 MONTHS LATER HE DUMPS ME. LIKE TWO MONTHS AFTER THE BRAKE UP I STARTED DATING A GUY WHO WAS SWEET, FUNNY, AND TREATS ME WELL. I JUST CAN'T STOP THINKING ABOUT MY X BF. MY BEST FRIEND AND ME ARE FIGHTING ALMOST EVERYDAY BECAUSE I'M ALMOST SURE THAT SHE'S GOING BEHIND MY BACK AND SEEING MY X. SHE LIES TO MY FACE ABOUT EVERYTHING, SOMETIMES I WONDER WHY I CALL HERE MY BEST FRIEND. YESTERDAY I FOUND OUT THAT MY X LIKES HER...I HAVE NO CLUE WHAT TO SAY OR DO I FEEL THAT ALL MY FRIENDS ARE BETRAYING ME AFTER THIS INCIDENT.. I HAVE NO WHERE ELSE TO TURN. I'M ALWAYS DEPRESSED AND ALWAYS TREATED BAD I FEEL LIKE.
PLEASE HELP ME !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hi Jennifer,

First things first - Forget about your Ex. He DUMPED you, so what give a rip about him? He obviously is not worth your time and is blind to the true gift that is You. He's got extremely bad judgment and is horrifically shortsighted at best. So don't waste your time thinking about this jerk. You have someone right in front of you that actually sees you for who you are and are happy with, so don't squander that by wasting your time worrying about a past issue (and a lost cause). You can't stop thinking about him because it didn't end on your terms...Swallow that and get over it. It's not worth it to jeopardize your current relationship. Learn from it and move on.

As for your best friend, if she really cares for you, then she wouldn't give this guy the time of day. If she's really thinking of going with him after seeing the damage he did to you, then she's as horrifically shortsighted as he is. Let's hope she's not and is just trying to play the peacemaker. I'm thinking you might be a little paranoid because you don't have closure yet on the situation and it irks you if she has any contact with him. Remember, he's not worth your time/anger/emotional energy, whether it for him or about him via others. Move on and forget about it. However, if your fears are substantiated, and if she really is lying to you all the time about things, then maybe it is time to look for better friends.

Lastly, if you really are thinking of hurting yourself and potentially ending your life about all of this, in the most base sense I can tell you that it (this situation) definitely isn't worth it. Your potential far outreaches, outshines, and outweighs this issue. But, to be sure about things, make sure to share your feelings/fears/thoughts with a certified professional. Go to speak to your counselor, talk with your parents, go to therapy...Work through it with the help of others...There's a lot more to life and your place in it...They can assist you in seeing that. I hope this helps, and best of luck to you!

Name: Kelly
Question: I am a senior in high school and I have liked this guy since I was a freshman. I will be 18 in Jan and he is turning 21 this month. we get a long great but this is the problem. my Mom started dating his father. they have been together about 10 months or so. now I don't know what to do. I really like his son and I cant stop thinking about him. what should I do. Please write back as soon as you can. thank you so much.

Hi Kelly,

Thanks for writing...Wow - This is a tough one. It's hard to tell if this guy likes you back the same way. The one thing that is certain is your Mom and his Dad working on a relationship...I'd say to hold back a bit, even though you've had your eye on this guy for so long. If there's even the remote chance that your Mom will marry his Dad, then it's best to be patient. Not that your happiness is not important, but you really
have to think of what relationship is stronger/has more potential (future) between your Mom and his Dad or between you and this boy...Also you have to think about whom has more ability/opportunity to find happiness - You Mom or you. Not to be close-minded, but you have time on your side. True, your Mom can find true love tomorrow, but then again so can you. I'm not saying this three-year crush you've had isn't important, but if your Mom has a true shot at happiness, let her have it. You are turning 18 soon and have your whole life ahead of you...You'll be going to College, going out on your own, making new friends, living your life. Your Mom's life is more likely to be much more sedentary and set. It's a little more 'fair" to let your Mom take the lead in this situation. Lastly, we know your Mom and hid Dad like each other - that's proven fact. You don't know if this boy feels the same way towards you...If you might have to share a future with him as a stepbrother, it's best not to stir the waters before you know. Leave it alone and let your Mom's relationship take its course...Hope this helps, and best of luck to you!

Name: Lee
City: Toronto
Question: I have been living with a man for 4 years and we share two children, but our relationship is hanging on by a thread. We both want to stay together, but frankly I don't know what to do anymore. We don't spend any quality time together, or may I say ANY time together doing ANYTHING! I feel as if I am in this alone - even like I am just living with a roommate. He spends all his free time on his computer, playing online games. He is really into them, and takes them very seriously. We have discussed this issue repeatedly and tried everything - agreements, schedules, promises, etc., but nothing ever sticks for good. He loves his computer so much, I feel as though I am competing with it for his time and attention. What else can I do to get my relationship back?

Hi Lee,

Easy...Go to counseling together. It's either that or throw the computer out the window. He's got to make some drastic changes around or he's going to lose you. If he doesn't appreciate that or seem to care, then start packing your bags...He's got to see (from a third/objective perspective) that it's not just your whining about time not shared. It's about his responsibilities as a partner, a lover, and a father. I'm not saying he can't pursue his own passions, but since he's made the moves and decisions in life that now make his life not completely his own, he has to act accordingly. He can do whatever he wants, but he still has to juggle his obligations and responsibilities as well. If the online games were threatening his job, then I'd hope he'd see the seriousness of that and pull back on the games. If they are threatening his relationship and family life, then I hope he'd pull back from the games as well. He's taking his home life for granted and he needs a bit of a reality check. Everyone in the world would most likely like to have fun above everything else, but everything has its time and its place. That's the price of being an adult and having responsibilities. He needs to make sure everything else that he affects is set right before he pursues solely selfish pursuits. Get him to counseling...I think he just needs a wake up call and a good three-stooges-slap to the back of the head...I hope this helps and best of luck to you.

Q & A: "my first love cheated on me and broke up with me"

2008-04-17T15:30:00.000-07:00

Name: Dave
Question: Hi. Thanks in advance for your advice. I recently was broken when my first love cheated on me and broke up with me. She is 18, I am 21, and in college, she was still in High School. We were together for 2.5 years. This was around 2 months ago. I love her still. I was happy with where my life was at. I have read many advice columns, that say exercise, hang with friends, keep busy, etc. But none of that works. I still feel like I am hiding a pain, and I feel like the pain is getting worse, not better. My friends have been trying to be good advice givers, but nothing they say dulls the pain. My ex and I were having problems, but I didn't expect her to cheat on me, leave me for someone else, and then tell me how great he is, while still asking to be my friend. I realize now, that as bad as it got, I still miss her, and want her back in my life. I know that nothing anyone says can make the pain disappear. But I guess what I'm asking is, why did I go through all of this effort and love and invested emotion to be hurt like this? Why after everything, all I am left with is a torturing memory of what was, and what could have been? I see all these wishy washy questions on your site of cheaters, liars, and people who don't consider their partners feelings. If this is all that will come of opening your heart to someone, why do we bother? How was it so easy for her to forget me and move on, even after we were together for so long? It doesn't make any sense. We had a long distance relationship, which required a lot of hardship on both people. It didn't need to end like this. It didn't need to end. She was supposed to come to my college, and we were supposed to be happy together. It just doesn't seem right. I hate this pain I feel. I don't even know if she cares that I am out of her life. Thank you for your time.

Hi Dave,

Thanks for writing...I'm sorry you've gone through so much recently. Sometimes, it's hard to see yourself as an individual outside of your relationship with another. Sounds like you were really hooked on her, so let's take a look at some reasons behind what has transpired...

First off, you're 21 and she's 18. Three years is no big thing, but now she's reaching a point (or a rite of passage) in her life that you've already been through...You're doing the same thing. You have a lot more experience than her in life, and will see things a little differently. You see a long-term future, she's seeing a future of midterms. She's probably stretching her wings and trying to be her own individual after being a part of your life for so long...Remember, she's been with you since she was 15 or 16 years old...She hasn't matured on her own. She's probably feeling the needs to check things out on her own, and she's still a bit more naive and immature on her outlooks. Most people her age tend to be a little more focused on themselves and the here-and-now instead of the long-term vision of the future. And if she is looking at the future, she's fighting to see it from her own standpoint instead of one that is a part of a couple. I'm not condoning her actions, nor am I boohooing them. This might be something she's going through right now, which is not out of the norm.

You are having problems letting go because you have no closure. It's like the stories you hear of people who unfortunately lose a limb and they wake up for years trying to scratch an itch on a leg/arm that's no longer there. I'm taking for granted that this completely blindsided you, so everything's been thrown out of whack...I don't know all of the details, so I'll go on the notion that it's all pretty innocent and you really didn't have it coming. So what to do now?

Take comfort in the fact that you know that Love is out there for you...If not with her, then at least you know it's possible with someone else who's right for you. It's hard not to be skeptical, but don't give up on the whole idea of love - just give up on her. I know that you still feel that there's so much unanswered because of the way it ended - one day everything's fine and then the next, she's gone - but let's get to the reality here...You shouldn't be together. Be thankful you know about it now and that you are free to move on...She Cheated on you...I don't care if she's spreading her wings, checking out the grass, whatever - If she cared about you and your feelings, then at least she could have given you the courtesy of ending your relationship before stabbing you in the back. Pretty cowardly, and again, immature. You have the right to be hurt, but only for so long. It's time to get to the anger stage so you can blow through it quickly and forget about her. Right now, you might think she's the sun, moon, and everything in-between, but she's not. She's an Ex-Girlfriend. Wish her well and move on to someone even more special and better...

And you will find better, trust me. Sometimes people are really not made for each other, and this is one of those cases. Stop feeling so down-in-the-dumps and get on with YOUR life. I can guarantee you she's not feeling sorry for herself or giving much thought as to what you are going through...So you don't do it either. You have a lot to do and accomplish, and having the right partner by your side is an important part of that, but it's not the end-all of everything. Stop torturing yourself over "what if"...Start concentrating on "what will be" as that is something you can control and build on. You had a great time with her, and you should be thankful to have had the relationship...You know you can love and be loved, that you can be with a partner, share your life, etc...All great things. But now move on and use your newfound wisdom and collective knowledge to your advantage and make your next relationship even better...I hope this helps, and please spread the word about the site.

Name: Eve
Question: Hello! My problem goes like this: I have an ex-boyfriend whom I have not seen or spoken to for about 4-5 years. I have already forgotten about him since I already have a new boyfriend to which I plan to marry soon...but I just woke up one morning missing him and since then, I cant stop thinking about him already. it's as if he's talking to me in my head and telling me to wait for him. Or am I just plain crazy? We had a very difficult relationship before you see...our families tried so hard to tear us apart. I accidentally got pregnant and we already made plans of getting married but my dad found it out and forced me to get an abortion...practically dragged me into the clinic to do it. so I lost the baby and his family sent him to Hong Kong. the last we saw each other he told our friends that he still loves me and misses me so badly. Am I just imagining things or can it be fate that I woke up one morning remembering him and what we've been through? Can you pls. advice me on what to do...I'm so sad and confused.
Thanks and more power!

Hi Eve,

Thanks for writing...Sounds like you have some unresolved issues that are coming back to the surface. You're standing on the brink of a major rite of passage (getting married), and now the feelings of unfinished business of your previous passionate relationship are coming back from your subconscious. I'm not a professional, but I'm thinking you should talk to one. These are issues that you need to work out, and I think you can't do it alone (or with the old boyfriend/current boyfriend)...You need to work it out within you so you can finally accept the end of your past relationship, let it go completely, and be happy with your new one. This old, painful, and emotionally charged relationship needs to be put to rest, but I don't believe by establishing reconnection with your old flame and trying to work it through will create any positive outcomes...I think that the only working through it needs is with a therapist. You've come a long way to getting your life back in order - Always think of moving forward, not backwards. 5 years is a long time...Don't give up the ground you've made during this time. You have a whole future with your new love, and one that is without the issues that your old one does. If you went back to the old relationship, you'd have to first wade through all your old history before you can even think of looking at the future...Do yourself a favor and settle your inner doubts with a professional. Once that's done, enjoy and appreciate your current love...I wish you the best of luck!

Name: Lisa
City: Edison
Question: My ex boyfriend and I are still friends but he likes me and I told him we can hook up and stuff and so I was hanging out with him and his 2 friends one of them "lets call him D.W." I am also friends with, but I had just met the other one "lets call him Colon." I was flirting with Colon a lot & we clicked & I gave him my s/n so that night we started talking on line and I told him I liked him & he said he liked me to but now I don't know what to do because My Ex will be mad if I go out with his friend

Hi Lisa,

Thanks for writing...I'm somewhat torn here...On one hand, I'd ask you to decide what you think is more important to you - Your friendship with your ex, or you future happiness with this new boy. On the other hand, I'm never been one to think very highly of guys who go after their friend's ex girlfriends - It's a whole "loyalty-to-your-friends" thing. That being said, I'm thinking that you have to think of yourself and your long-term goals. To be brutally honest, you can date whomever you want, whether or not your Ex is comfortable with it. He's your "Ex" for a reason, and if he has issues with your dating other people, then he should have given your relationship more credence and effort to begin with (I'm basing this on the assumption that you broke up with him or it was mutually ended - If he dumped you, I'd believe he wouldn't want to stick around that much). If his friend is actually placing you over his friendship with your Ex, then I'd think he's probably not excellent friends with this guy. Be happy - If you think there's an actual long-term chance with this new guy, then go for it. If not, then you'll have to weigh your relationship with your Ex against it. One other thing - If your Ex is still interested in you, then he's probably not going to like the thought of your dating ANY guy, so you'll always run into the chance of upsetting him. Hope this helps, and best of luck to you!

Q & A: "she's not the girl of my dreams"

2008-04-17T15:25:00.002-07:00

Name: Alex
Question: My head is in a right mess so I'd be very grateful for any advice you can give me at all.

To set the scene... I'm a 20 year old, male, university student. My 'love life' has been unconventional to say the least. I'm learning by my mistakes at least (I hope). I became infatuated, virtually obsessed, with a cute girl when I was between the ages of 12 and 16. But my overly strong feelings kept me from acting as I was too scared of rejection. Then, when I was 17, I became infatuated with another girl who had, and still has, a long term boyfriend. I sometimes catch myself thinking about her still. For a year I became obsessed with her, I became very depressed, and in the end I left college early because I couldn't bear to be around her. Luckily I still managed to get the grades to get into my first choice university. I had three months of counseling after this period which really helped, and still does.

Anyway, so I left college and began a gap year before I went to Uni. Half way through I met a girl through the Internet who lived nearby. We got on ok and saw each other at weekends (as I was working) for about 3 months. I broke up with her. Then a month later I met a lovely girl through a mutual friend. And we were together for 4 months before we went to different universities. We stayed together though for another 2 months before, again, I decided to end the relationship. I'm not a dim person by any means, but it took me a while to figure out what was going wrong with the relationships.

I didn't feel the same way about them as I had done with the second girl I got obsessive about. And they liked me more than I liked them. I felt uncomfortable during the relationships, and this feeling just kept on building up until I had to end it.

So... I decide at this point that relationships just aren't for me... and this is where I begin to confuse myself. I still have fantasies about meeting the girl of my dreams and living happily ever after but then I remember what caused the last 2 relationships to end. A real girl couldn't compare with the girl I had previously been obsessed with because I had built her up to be perfect. This is one matter I would like some feedback on, and since then here's another...

So, as I decided no more relationships, I was on the prowl, a good looking single guy at university, I thought I would be able to have a great time. Just before the end of term I became friendly with a 3rd year. We have kissed and not much more, but I'm really worried about going back to university now (in a week) because I don't want to suddenly find myself in another relationship again. We've text messaged each other a few times over the Christmas holiday, nothing heavy just a bit of flirting. I worried that if I have sex with her I'll get sucked into a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship which I don't want because she's not the girl of my dreams, but she's attractive.

I hope you get a chance to read this, and I hope you can offer me some advice.

Thanks!
Alex

Hi Alex,

Thanks for writing...I could be very wrong about all of this (your counselor would be able to tell you), but it's looking to me like you merely have issues with perception. You mention the fact that the two girls you became obsessed with (I'm guessing the only ones you obsessed about) were both unattainable - The first through your own restrictions and the second because of a boyfriend. All the other women can't compare to these two... And I'm thinking it's because all the other women are attainable and that kind of turns you off in a way.

We all want what we can't have - It's an old cliche but one that holds true for many people. I know very few people who are truly content with their lives and want nothing else... But since that cliche works, let me toss another one at you - You don't know what you've got until it's gone...Now that one only works if you actually notice you had it in the first place. What I'm trying to say is this: Yes, you became enthralled in the "Lotto" mentality that you are obsessed with a particular woman and that since she can't be had by you, she must have qualities much greater than someone you do have access to. Actually being with her and winning her in the end would be akin to striking the biggest Lotto in history - Against all odds. But here's the catch - You might have put her as perfect in your mind, but you really don't know what she could actually be like in a relationship...She might actually be completely opposite of your style and likes. You might very well find characteristics about her that are really unpleasant/embarrassing/annoying to you...You might not think so, but it's always a possibility, right?

Now if you agree that it's possible for her to really Not be the all-in-all woman of your dreams, then it's also possible that these people who are coming and going through your life might actually BE the all-in-all woman of your dreams, if only given half a chance. You've already limited their future with you because you think that there has to be doves dropping ribbons of glitter over you while the London Philharmonic plays romantic music every time you look into each other's eyes (Obviously I'm using a bit of creative license here, but you get the picture)...Take it easy for a minute. Just because one girl might actually like you more or is available for you to grow a relationship with does not mean she's not worthy. Imagine if you did meet a nice girl who you finally thought might be the one and she
had the same kind of idealism you do and didn't give you the chance because she had some perfect notion of her mate that she felt you didn't fulfill? She'd really be missing out, right? Well, you might be missing out now as well.

Please don't think I'm being hard on you...You're actually being much harder on yourself. Open your eyes and your heart and just let things flow...Sometimes we all need to take a step back and relax to be able to see things (like the Big Picture) more clearly. The broader your perception, the more full life can be for you...Don't walk by happiness and contentment because you're too fixed on what's over the horizon (or what you believe is over the horizon). You deserve to be happy - Now allow yourself the opportunity and it's wonderful discovery...You'll be so very glad you did.

Q & A: "Sports or Girlfriend? "

2008-04-17T15:25:00.001-07:00

Name: Amy/Truxton
Question: I did a stupid thing a month ago I went into my husband sign on and searched his email to see if he was having an affair with someone I was jealous off. Well he found out and we are separated now. We did sit down and talk and we decided the communication in our marriage wasn't there anymore. So we have put our marriage on the back burner and we are working on the friendship we haven't had in years. We think if we still have our friendship and we know we still have our love then we can make it. Is this the right thing to be doing?

Dear Amy,

Thanks for writing! There's nothing wrong that you're working on your friendship to make sure it's sound...But I'm not sure I understand the point of putting your marriage on the "backburner". Kinda seems like you're going about things back-a**ward. I'm glad you realize that communication is the key, but I'm also sort of shocked that you two separated because of your little foray into his sign-on...There must be more to this than what is apparent here. Good for you two that you're willing to work things out...Communication is one of the absolute foundations of any successful marriage... Trust is the other foundation. Work out your issues together, seek counseling if you need to. I think you'll make it through this just fine. Hope this helps, and best of luck to you!

Name: Sports or Girlfriend?
Question: I have recently broken up with my girlfriend. I need to know if I made a good or bad decision. I play basketball and it is really important to me. she is very important too though, and this is where the problem began. our starting center man (Ty) fractured his ankle at our last game. this means that I have to start in his place. I am really nervous because I don't want to let the team down, and I know that I am not as good as Ty. our next game is against an undefeated team and it is going to be a hard game. I feel that I need to concentrate only on basketball right now. I feel really bad that I am doing this to my girlfriend, but I had to break up with her so that I wasn't thinking about her. but now all I can think about is her. what should I do?

Dear Sports,

Hi there...Easy one...You simply need to figure out what will be more important to you in the long run...Her, or Basketball. I would think Her, as when the season is over, the season is over. Instead of breaking up with her, explain to her that for this next week, you really need to concentrate on the team, but that after this game, you'll have a little more time for her. Tell her you want her to come to the game, blah blah blah...There's no reason that you can't have your cake and eat it too in this situation. You should be able to maintain your sports as well as your girlfriend...Good luck.

Q & A: "Should I be mad that she lied to me?"

2008-04-17T15:22:00.000-07:00

Name: Jessica/Marietta
Question: Ok, so my friend knows that I am in love with this guy and she told me that she had no feelings at all for him when I asked her. I have liked him for a long time and we even dated for a while. So when I decided that I wanted to be with him again I told her. She told me that she hated him and thought that I should re-think what I was doing. The very same day she went to his house and messed around with him. To make matters worse I found out from someone else, and when she did tell me she didn't tell me the truth. So I told her that if she wanted him that bad I would back off for her to be happy. Should I have done this or not? Should I be mad that she lied to me?

Dear Jessica,

Hi there...Thanks for writing! Interesting situation you have there... To answer the two questions you have on the bottom of your message, Absolutely Not, and Absolutely! This "friend" lied to you, completely acted with disregard for your friendship to her or your feelings, and has blatantly acted behind your back. Even if things don't work out with this particular guy, at least you know that this friend is not a keeper. Get rid of her, go on with your life... It's too short to surround yourself with people you can't trust. Best of luck to you, and Happy New Year!

Q & A: "If he doesn't call you is it really OK to call him?"

2008-04-17T15:20:00.002-07:00

Name: Jenny
City: Ithaca
Question: I have been in a long-distance relationship with my current boyfriend for almost seven months. We see each other pretty much every other weekend (I attend college 4 hours away from him), but it is still hard of course because we miss each other so much. I have been very happy in this relationship, and have not had any problems with him - I am very much in love with him in fact. However, I found something today which has shaken me up quite a bit. I was online and I signed on under his Screen Name for fun and I found that he had subscribed to a free porn service over the Internet, and had written to someone employed on this site saying extremely explicit sexual things, and had wanted her to call him for phone sex. I was horrified and I am so upset right now because I don't know what to do. I feel awful for having gone into his email and I know that was very wrong. But now that I've done it I don't know what to do with this problem I'm facing. Although we have been dating for seven months, we have not had sexual intercourse yet, and I am worried that he is bored with me or frustrated with waiting, even though he has never put pressure on me to have sex. I also know that being away from each other is sexually frustrating, and so I can see why he might be surfing some porn site, but the fact that he actually subscribed and wrote to someone on the site makes me ill. I am so hurt and upset. I was planning to have sex with him fairly soon, and now I don't even want him to touch me. The very idea of him saying these things to some stranger kills me. What can I do?

Dear Jenny,

Thanks for writing! Long distance relationships can be very difficult indeed...The time apart and trust issues, even when not strained, can weigh heavily on the mind. I'm sure you've heard this before, but men tend to be very visually (audio as well) stimulated in regard to Sex. He's obviously intrigued with the website and phone issue, but I'd bet that he has no idea that his surfing a sexual site or even having phone sex would be damaging to his relationship with you. To him, it's two totally separate issues. I'm sure he knows it's somehow morally wrong, but as soon as he turns off the computer or hangs up the phone, it's done and he's already thinking of other things. There's no tie-in or correlation between his actions and his hurting your feelings, in his mind. Also, the comfort of the distance the two of you have from each other probably gives him a thin sense of security -- when he's in his own town/world, what he does on his own time has no bearing on anyone else. You might see his actions as some kind of betrayal or disloyal gesture, damaging the grand scope of things -- he might see it as a way to kill some time one night. Neither of you are right, and neither of you are completely wrong. I'm not making excuses for him, but I would think that if he really cares about you, he wouldn't willingly do anything that might jeopardize his relationship with you.

Sit down with him and let him know what you know. He might deny it, or get upset that you went into his personal computer (that's a different issue), but keep on track and get to the point. Let him know your feelings and your worries. Really discuss this issue until you're satisfied. If he's as in love as you are, then he'll see the hurt caused by what he did (I still think he has no idea) and will come back begging for another chance, as he didn't know he was risking anything. However, if he doesn't see your point or just blows it off without taking your feelings into account, then this is a good measure of how long a future the two of you have together.

I hope this helped, and thanks again for visiting the site! Take care.

Name: Wendy
City: Gillsville
Question: I have been extremely lonely since my break up with my high-school sweetheart and I finally found someone who I enjoy spending time with. Now I know that he likes me a lot also but there is something going on in his life that almost turns me away. He just told me that he has a child on the way by another woman. Now this is something that happened before we met so should I let this keep us apart from each other or should I keep seeing him and support him as kindly as I can or should I end what we have now before it gets too deep? Help!!!

Dear Wendy,

Hi there...thanks for writing! This is a difficult situation...It's really up to you. Starting a relationship with a guy who already has a child on the way with another woman is not the best starting point. You have to decide for yourself if your relationship with him is because he really is someone you can see yourself spending time with, or is it because you don't like the idea of being single again after so long. If he's a "rebound," then keep rebounding right out of there. His situation is complicated at best, and is not the right place for you to be in if you want try and recapture old feelings/scenarios from a previous relationship. To be with this person, you're going to have to put a lot of your own wants/desires on the backburner until this whole child situation is figured out. Can you be that selfless? That's up to you to decide. Should you get into a relationship, right at this point (for both of you)? I'd say no...He's not going to be able to concentrate on you very well as his attention will really be pulled. It sort of sounds like both of you are rebounding and reaching for something to hold on to and find a cure for what ails you. You are looking for a fix to your loneliness, and he's probably looking for a distraction from his impending fatherhood by another woman. You two will click for those circumstances, but do you really have a future together? Since you two are not really concentrating fully on each other and are together for convenience (Not the only reason but a big part of it), I'd guess there's not much future for you (no offense). Try to cut the ties early...If you want to be involved with him, be his friend. The both of you need each other as friends right now more than anything else. Take this time to really explore yourself and see what you're all about. Pretty soon, you'll realize that you can be picky with those you want to share time with, and that you deserve whatever you want in a relationship. You don't need to jump at the first sight of feelings from another...Once you get your self-esteem back in firm place, and you know where you're going in life, then you can really take a look at others around you...I hope this helped, and good luck...Thanks so much for visiting the site, and please spread the word about it...

Name: Stephanie
City: Seattle
Question: If you exchange numbers with a guy and they don't call you is it really OK to call them. Some of my friends say that it makes a girl seem desperate. I just thought it showed that I was interested. What do guys really think?

Dear Stephanie,

Hi there...Thanks for writing! Ahhh...the age-old question - Hate to tell you this, but there's no real "right" answer. Some guys will appreciate it -- some guys will see it as an invitation -- others will think you're a "easy." Really think back to your talk with him...Was it mostly physical attraction with a lot of flirting? Or was it a funny conversation with a lot of laughter? Perhaps it was a more in-depth conversation were you felt an intellectual/spiritual/common bond? You're the best judge in this situation...If this guy really seems like someone worth pursuing, then go for it...You only live once, but always keep your safety and well-bring in mind as well. Hope this helps, and thanks for visiting the site...please spread the word about it!

Q & A: "My wife does not sleep in our bed with me any more"

2008-04-17T15:20:00.001-07:00

Name: Orla
City: Co. Armagh
Question: Hi I am a very shy person and it is getting me down. People think I am confident but am not. I always worry about what other people think of me, although I am not as bad as I was 2 years ago I am still quite timid, and have problems in standing up for myself. I don't know what to do anymore. Please help

Dear Orla,

Hi there...thanks for writing. Shyness is no reason to feel down...Don't forget that sometimes, those people who are extra loud and gregarious in situations can sometimes be trying to cover a perceived flaw in themselves or overcompensating for their own discomfort. I've heard from quite a few "popular" people that sometimes, they feel just as lonely and vulnerable as anyone else. Shyness and worrying about what others think really comes from within. So let's start there...

Take a good look in the mirror...do you like what you see? If you don't, why not? List them out for yourself...and then take a look in the mirror and list out the things that you feel are good and like about yourself. This exercise can seem kinda weird, but it's a good exploratory look into what kind of person you perceive yourself to be. Now I'm willing to bet that the things you list on the negative side will be mostly superficial things ("I don't like the color of my hair", or, "My nose is too large/small", or "I wish I had better earlobes"), and the things that you list on the positive side are much more meaningful ("I'm a good person to others", or, "I'm a trustworthy and loyal friend", or "I can learn things quickly and have a good head on my shoulders").

Now that you have your two lists, one of negative superficial aspects, and one of meaningful positive aspects, really compare them. Then think about it in broad terms...If someone doesn't like you because of the type of person you are inside (your positive list), then maybe it's time to address that issue and take an honest and objective look at it. However, if someone doesn't like you for superficial reasons your negative list), then you have to ask yourself - "Is that person worth my time? I know who I am, and if he/she can't appreciate me for me, then they don't deserve my precious time". Once you have this kind of attitude, it is one of self-confidence. Don't worry, you're not being pompous or arrogant thinking this way, for you are not saying you are better than anyone else, but that you know who you are...If someone doesn't realize who you are and is not willing to find out, then you don't have time for them...You have bigger things to concentrate on.

Now of course, this is a pretty rudimentary exercise I just listed...If you feel that your shyness is something you can't overcome on your own (It sounds to me like you can since you've already noted progress from two years ago), then seek professional help. They will really get you going in the right direction. I hope this helped, and thanks so very much for writing. Take care, don't be a stranger, and please spread the word about the site...

Name: Francesca
City: Dolton
Question: I know I have asked you questions before, but now I need advice how to really forget about someone you really still love but in the past they did you wrong and now you just want to forget about this person. Now what can I do to forget about him !!!!

Hi Francesca,

Never worry about writing me...That's what the website's for! You may ask as many questions as you wish...As for your question, it sounds like it's time to get some of your self-respect in order...If this person has done you wrong, then you have to realize it as it is. It sounds like you are already doing that, and that's good. You also have to realize that you must love yourself before any other...And remember, from what you've written in the past, it doesn't sound like he cares for you very much, especially after all the stuff with his stepbrother and your best friend. I think that you might be confusing your own love of Being in Love with actual feelings of true Love. It's great to be in a relationship with someone, but that relationship has to be Healthy and Right for both of you.

You are a good person, so never forget that. You deserve to be treated the best way possible, and should never have to Settle. If someone doesn't treat you correctly, then drop him/her and move on. The Life of Francesca is going to be as glorious as you wish to make it...If you want to attain the highest heights, then you have to set your mind to them and not deviate. Other people will come and go in your life, but you have to make the honest assessment of them whether they are positive to your life and goals, or if they are a detriment/distraction.

Once you have these goals in mind, and you are concentrating on making Francesca the very best person you can be, you'll quickly realize that your time is much better spent getting on with your own thing; and you'll eventually have problems remembering this guy, rather than having problems forgetting about him... I hope this helped, and thanks again for writing. Please spread the word about the website, and come back anytime...

Name: Sam
Question: I have a problem. My wife does not sleep in our bed with me any more for at least 4 years. We make love maybe once every six weeks. I love her very much and have not had an affair but she is very distant what do I do? I want her back - Sam

Dear Sam,

Thanks for writing...Be honest to yourself...How's the romance in your marriage? Can you say that you've gone out of your way in the past week/month/year to make her feel extra special? To make her feel loved, sensual, and attractive? I'm saying this because most times when a husband says his wife is distant, it's because the husband isn't doing anything to make the wife feel like she wants to be closer to her man in the first place.

If she's very distant, Bring Her Back Into Your Life...Let her know what's going on in your life...Be interested in what's going on in hers. Communicate with her...Share your thoughts about everything... Really talk to her and spend some time getting to know her again...I'd wager she'll spend the time to get to know you again as well. Be honest and open with your feelings of Love for her, and things should hopefully turn out all right. I hope this helped, and thanks for visiting the site...

Q & A: "HOW DO I TELL A GIRL THAT IS ATTACHED TO A SENIOR THAT I AM INTERESTED"

2008-04-17T15:16:00.000-07:00

Name: LORENZO
Question: HOW DO I TELL A GIRL THAT IS ATTACHED TO A SENIOR (THE GIRL AND I ARE FRESHMAN IN HIGH SCHOOL) THAT I AM INTERESTED IN HER WITHOUT EMBARRASSING MYSELF?

Hi Lorenzo,

Thanks for writing! That's a tough one...The best way to let her know is slowly...through subtle hints. Is this a guaranteed way to win her heart? Well, there really isn't one...But if you're worried about embarrassment, then laying subtle hints provides some mystery, but also still gives you that thin veil of protection in case she reacts a certain way...you can always say that she misread you/your meanings/your intentions if she comes back negatively. Hey - if you really like her, it's worth a shot...I hope this helped, and thanks again for visiting the site...Please spread the word about it...Take care.

Name: Amanda
City: Houston
Question: Why is there such a Code of Honor between Doctors? Why won't they go against another Doctor if they know deep into there hearts they were wrong? And why do we Americans allow this? Please Help-

Dear Amanda,

Hi there...thanks for writing! Well, I'm not a medical doctor or affiliated with the medical profession at all, so really your guess is as good as mine. I'd think that since they (doctors) have been so bombarded in the past with malpractice lawsuits (I know of a few doctors who have gotten out of the profession because malpractice insurance has skyrocketed) that they don't want to bring any more lawsuits at all...Not that they don't want to help, but they also don't want their own premiums to go up due to someone else's negligence...So basically they may not help you, in the long run, to make things more difficult for them. Also, they might run in some tight circles, and pointing the finger at each other does not help as they do rely on a pretty comprehensive referral methodology, if I'm not mistaken...So maybe if they expose another doctor, they're subconsciously seen as someone who can't be trusted.

Also, maybe because doctors have to spend all their time with all types of people (from those truly sick to those who claim they are but are not) they're pretty jaded, so maybe they don't take to heart your issues. Kind of like what you hear of police officers....they go into that profession as normal everyday people, but they see so many things/horrors that we normally are not exposed to that it forever changes their lives and the way they look at others. I'm not sure, I'm just speculating...Anyway, I hope this helped, at least a little. Sorry I'm not in a position to give you firmer details other than my own opinion on this matter...Thanks so much again for visiting the site! Please spread the word about it, and feel free to stop by anytime...Take care.

Q & A: "he said that he could never date me because he likes too many girls"

2008-04-17T15:15:00.000-07:00

Name: Brenda
question: I need to find a way to let a coworker know they have an offensive feminine hygiene odor. How can I do this tactfully?

Dear Brenda,

Hi there...There's a company that I heard of (I can't remember the name right now) that actually will deliver small packages to people in an anonymous way to let them know they have bad breath/body odor, etc. Really, it's a little more delicate than that...If you can smell something, there's a good chance that others can as well, which also leads to the possibility that something has already been said. She might have some kind of physiological problem and she can't help it, or she has a medical condition of some sort...This can be an embarrassing thing for the both of you to broach. You might bring up in conversation about how you read an article about people smelling, or people with medical problems, etc...It really all depends on how well you know her. If she's a good friend, then mention it to her. If she's an acquaintance, and you know it's not something medical, then leave her a little
Very Kind note or a small bag with some soaps/products that would help her (and your) cause. If it is something medical, then share your concern and ask if there's anything you can do to help...Just remember her feelings...Put yourself in her shoes and think about how you would feel if the roles were reversed...then continue on that level of thought and let it effect how you handle the situation. I hope this helps, and thanks for visiting the site!

Name: Tabitha
question: I have liked this guy Nick for a while now. He is 2 years younger than me. He had been playing games with my head for a while. Then one day I said forget it and I gave up on him. Then a couple of days ago I walked into school and he handed me this note saying how much he liked me and how close he felt to me. I was so happy that he had finally come around that I fell for him again. Then tonight I called him to talk and he said that he could never date me because he likes too many girls. I am so devastated I cant believe I let myself fall for him again. I love him so much though. How can I get him to realize that I am the perfect girl for him?

Dear Tabitha,

Hi there...Do me a favor - Take a look in your mirror. Really look at yourself...and then think to yourself - Is this girl you see someone who deserves to be treated well, or someone who should be chasing those who don't deserve her attentions? First off, you're not in love with him...you are infatuated with him, and might be in love with the idea of "being in love". Regardless, you might very well be the perfect girl for him. On that note, you might be the perfect girl for a lot of people...But that really doesn't matter until you find the boy who is perfect for YOU. This boy seems to be a flake, if you ask me...Besides, if he's 2 years younger, I'd bet you're much more mature than him anyway. If he doesn't realize how special you are and what kind of wonderful person you are, then why waste your time on him? You're certainly not getting much in return. Forget about him and move on with making your life as good as it can be until the person who is perfect for YOU comes around. There's a lot you can do to find out about yourself and to take a keen interest in your future...Work on that, and everything else will fall into place. I promise you, a year from now, you'll have to be reminded who this boy is. Go on...Live your life, and be with someone who treats you with respect, caring, and appreciation of who you are...I hope this helps, and best of luck to you.

Name: saintanne
Question: In reply to your note and thank-you, It is the wife who has had the Extramarital Affair and wondering if it is possible to stay friends with the other man for coffee etc. while working on rebuilding a relationship with the husband? It is very difficult not to see him as he lives across the street and all the family are friends with him. I"m just trying to think of a way that this can be handled in such close quarters. I appreciate any input and thanks-again.

Dear Saintanne,

Thanks for writing...Interesting situation. Think about it - How can there any true rebuilding of a relationship with the husband if there's always that other person around? Then her attentions are never going to be truly focused on her husband as one eye will always be drifting to the other man...If the other man has any true feelings of friendship for the family, then he would remove himself entirely from the situation and not present any additional stress on the husband, wife, or the family. He has already thrown away the family's notion of friendship by blatantly destroying their trust. In order for the husband and wife to rebuild without any distractions, then someone has to move away...Leaving that door open is tempting fate too much, whether is just be coffee or not. Also, think about the pride and feelings of the husband - the man who his wife cheated with is a trusted friend, and lives right across the street! I take it that he doesn't know of the relationship or if he does, who the other party is...If he did, I would find it very doubtful that he would enjoy not only the constant reminder of this transgression, but also to have his face continuously rubbed in it by the presence of this man in his own house! If the wife has any respect for herself or her husband and truly wants to work on this, then she'll cut the other man out completely.
There an old saying about close-quarter relationships, even though this particular one involves office romances - "Never crap where you eat" - In other words, you shouldn't fool around on the job as it effects your potential take-home pay, which in turn effects your life, your relationships, your self-worth...then you're left with nothing. In this case, the last word can be changed from "eat" to "sleep"...There's too much violation of the sanctity of home and trust on this one...Best thing to do is make a clean break and start over...Good luck, and hope this helps...

Q & A: "I have a hard time dealing with girls who are independent"

2008-04-17T15:14:00.000-07:00

Name: bill
Question: I have problem that I know will affect my future relationships with girls. I have a hard time dealing with girls who are independent, my old girlfriend was like this, she would go out with her friends and talk to me about her friends and other guys who she told me were just friends, which I believe but I still get jealous and mad because she's independent and free, I hope u know what I mean, I know it is stupid that I get mad but my father is the same way. When I look back at how he treated my mother, I see that he wanted her to depend on him and almost be submissive, everyone in his family (the men) act like this and I'm afraid that mentality has been passed on to me. I just don't want to be like that but it's hard cuz I am, I lost my girlfriend because of it and I don't want to make that mistake again, could u please give me some help, any advice is appreciated, thank you so much.

Hi Bill,

You are in the Driver's Seat on this one. How you treat women is completely under your control...Let me point out something, however. When men say they don't like independent women, most likely it's because they feel somehow threatened. They feel threatened because most times they have some kind of deep-seated insecurity. Being the hero in the relationship and having a submissive mate is two completely different things, and I hope you can see the difference. You mention you're jealous and mad because she was independent and free, but you're that way (mad) because of Choice. Wouldn't you like to be free as well? All you have to do is be confident within yourself and what you offer to her as a companion. Be strong within yourself and know that you have much to offer...That it's her loss if she ever strays. Don't be pompous or arrogant, but self-assured. If you truly are certain of who you are and how much you offer to the person you love, you'll never feel insecure again. And if you're not insecure where all you can see are your own issues, you'll be able to celebrate each other's independence and freedom with your mate instead of one tearing down the other...I think you'll be fine...Acknowledging this issue is a great step. Just keep in mind that attitudes towards women is not genetic or inherited...it's learned. You want to change it? Then all you have to do is make the effort to do so...Those who look down upon others or with prejudice or some kind of discrimination in mind live in very small worlds. That applies to looking down on Women as well...Treat others (women) equally and celebrate in their lives, and you'll find yourself (and others) celebrating in your life as well. Always keep in mind how you'd like to be treated and act upon it when it comes to how you act towards others...Treat everyone with respect, and most likely you'll be treated with respect in return. I wish you the best of luck...

Name: Stan
Thanks for the advice. I have an update - She's changed her tone from wanting to continue to now just recently informing me she wants to be friends++, and is no longer interested in any affection time with me. She spends a lot of time with her friends and says she'll still stay "faithful" to me (That usually means she's already been unfaithful right?). I'm thinking about cutting my losses, and telling her we had a great adventure filled with unexpected turns and loops, but the ride has come to a slowing stop. One passenger sits in his seat with his heart pounding with excitement longing for the next ride, but the other one got an upset stomach and feels nauseated hoping for a slow-moving kiddy ride. Either way its time to exit. Should I spit paths and get in line for the next thundering coaster, or hold her hand and escort her to the tea cups with a bottle of Pepto-Bismol?

Hi Stan...

Thanks for that! I think you should cut your losses...You already have a lot of history in a short-lived relationship...It will be a steep uphill climb until you can overcome all that's gone on between you...Go for the next roller-coaster ...the view might be a great change for you! Best of luck...

Name: Dave
City: Toronto
Question: My problem is I'm a 37 year old single guy whom has been in an affair with my married ex-boss for the last 6 years. On my last day in the office at my old job she told me she loved me and to call her. Me never really having a girlfriend before did call her. One thing led to another we met secretly for lunch and talked on the phone quite a bit. Eventually we started seeing each other at night as I drive her home. I've been thinking this relationship is no good for either one of us. I'm really a guy who does not want commitment and I have told her this. Her on the other hand has told me how well looked after she is by her husband and so are her kids (9 & 16). Just last week she told me they are moving to a more expensive house and things are looking so good. I know if I was with her permanently I could never afford to treat her like this.
I have tried to hint to her that our affair is no good and should end. But it appears she will have none of that as I stopped calling her but she ends up calling me quite upset that I did not call her. In the meantime her husband is doing all these great things for her. But she expects our affair to continue on as normal!?!. I'm not sure what will happen...but I think I would like to end it..I told one of my friends about it and he said if the sex's great (which it is) why worry. But I don't know I think in the beginning I was in puppy love with her...but now I have nothing really to offer her except maybe illicit sex I guess. Normally I guess the women is in this situation...but I'm a guy facing the same situation. What should I do? Its not easy to say good-bye just like that!

Hi Dave,

Great question...So now you know what it's like to be a "Mistress", but as a "Mister", or something like that. This is something that you should really break away from...You're 37 years old, and you truly have no future with this woman. She will never leave her husband (why would she?), and she cannot offer you (nor you offer her) any firm future. So the sex is great...there something close to 6 billion people in this world...you telling me she's the only one you can have a great time with? What about your own future? Do you want kids? Wouldn't you like a relationship that only involves two people, you being one of them? I seriously think you feel it would be hard to break away because she's the first woman you've ever had some kind of relationship with...That's all well and good, and you can thank her for that. But if she even cares a Little, she'll understand your moving on to find someone you can really grow with. Anyway, moralistically speaking, if you have any respect for her and her situation (her husband and two kids), then you would back away and let her concentrate on being faithful in her own marriage and trying to make it work...It doesn't sound like she's complaining about anything in regards to her marriage, so I really think that once she realizes she can no longer have her cake and eat it too where you are concerned, she'll either concentrate on her family for once, or find someone else to play with. Either way, you're free to get on with you life and know you can go into a relationship with someone else Guilt-Free, which is the right way to have a relationship anyway...I hope this helps, and good luck to you. Thanks for visiting the site...

Q & A: "I'm pretty sure she likes me but she's got a boyfriend!"

2008-04-17T15:13:00.001-07:00

Name: Jennifer
City: Bayonne
Question: Me and my boy friend have been going out for a month and 3 days. I'm only 16 and this becoming to be a serious relationship... and I find myself not being happy anymore with him... like everything started off ok but now I am starting to have mixed feelings about him. The littlest things are making me annoyed with him... and I find myself giving him a really bad attitude. Can u help!!!! Jennie*

Hi Jennie,

Thanks for writing...Sometimes things like this happens. Either you are spending too much time together where you're not able to feel like yourself, or you two need to learn a lot more about each other, rather than just hanging out. I have a suspicion it's a combination of the two. Relationships require work...if you really want to be with him, and you think it's worth it, then you two have to work at keeping things fresh and wonderful for both of you. Every day doesn't have to be "epic", but there should be some unconscious tones of meaningfulness underlying your time together. I'm worried that you're already having such issues after a month....But then again, your whole life is ahead of you. Enjoy things and take it one step at a time. I hope this helps, and please spread the word about the site...thanks so much for visiting!

Name: Danielle
City: Cincinnati
Question: There is this guy and I like him and he's really cool and he was supposed to ask me out but he started going out with this other girl and then told my friend he was going to brake up with her for me. Then I found out about his girlfriend and all this other stuff and I got mad and he got mad because he didn't want me to be mad so my friend told him if he left me hanging now I was gone for good because I don't like to wait around for guys and then he said ok I'll give her a chance and I'll dump my girl friend but I don't know what to think I really like him and he keeps telling all my friend s he really likes me and he talks like he does and he is going to break up with his girlfriend for me but what am I missing what is wrong I can't be happier but I don't know if this is pity or not I just don't know anymore.
Hi Danielle,

The best way to avoid all of this confusion is to actually talk to this boy...face to face. What are you going to do if you start dating each other? Bring someone else along who the both of you can use as a translator? Get right to the point and find out what's going on between the two of you...However, keep in mind that if he already has a girlfriend he's willing to hurt to be with you, then you run the chance that someday he'll do the same thing to you with another prospect. Always be careful and make sure you're safe. I wish you the best of luck...

Name: Justin
Question: There's this angel I know, she is beautiful, interesting, fun to be around, and she is a year older than me (I'm 16) She has been flirting with me for three weeks and is getting closer and closer to me as a friend. She obviously likes me, (in some way) I've called her 3 times and she and I talk for a long time. I recently found out that she has a boyfriend, she didn't just now get him, she and him have been going out for some time now. Is this reason for alarm? I'm pretty sure she likes me but she's got a boyfriend! Is she wanting to switch from him to me soon, and how can I tell?

Hi Justin,

That one's hard to tell...Some women come across flirtatiously when they feel comfortable with a boy. She obviously likes you as a friend from what I can tell, as that's a very good step. Is she going to drop her boyfriend for you? Who knows? If you are interested in her for the long-term, then be close to her as a friend... She'll need that more than a simple boyfriend in the grand scheme of things, anyway. This doesn't mean for you to sit idly by while she enjoys herself, but simply be there for her and still live your life as well. Spend time with her, but don't stifle yourself and your prospects with others. It sounds like you really like her, so she might be worth the wait for now, but don't make a life-long obsession over it. Be her friend...she'll be yours. If something grows from that, then good for both of you... if not, then at least you both are still friends and you still have an Angel you can talk to. Good Luck, and hope this helps...

Q & A: "I don't get the phone call after they say they promise to call"

2008-04-17T15:08:00.000-07:00

Question: My problem is my boyfriend's chauvinism. We've been together for a year and a half. He's a great guy and I love him to pieces. I know he loves me too. It's just that he thinks I should "obey" everything he says. Just how passive should a woman be about this stuff? I'm not really the subservient woman he wants me to be, and this is causing fights and headaches at least once a month. Do I just listen to whatever he says and do it? How could I change him??

Hi Lilly,

Thanks for writing...It's great that you love this guy and feel he loves you...but what does he love? The real Lilly? Or the ideal he'd like for you to be? If it's the latter, then you might want to look elsewhere. Some people are comfortable in an unequal
relationship...others demand equality. If you're not comfortable trying to be something you're not, and he doesn't realize that, then that worries me. Sit him down, and tell him that his little Napoleon displays are tiresome - either he cuts the "obey" stuff and enjoy everything that you share and have to offer, or advise that he goes and finds someone else to boss around. If he's kidding around with it by putting on a little show, then that's one thing...But if he's serious and you don't like it, then there's not much you're going to do to change it. Remember, you're already fighting an uphill battle with him as he doesn't see you as an equal. And as for
the "passive" question - Every person is different. Some people take a more dominant role in a relationship, and some a more passive one...it's not defined by gender. In a true relationship, both people are strong and yielding to each other at various times...But there is no level of passivity that a woman is supposed to maintain. You be yourself - if he's happy with it, then great for both of you...If he insists in treating you as a lesser person and you finally decide you're not lesser to anyone, then it certainly will be his loss when you leave - not yours. I hope this helps, and best of luck to you...I know you love him, so I'm hoping he's just bluffing with the macho act. Take care, and please spread the word about the site...

Name: Sue
City: Grand Rapids
Question: I work with a man who is 23 years older than i am, also he is my boss, he has had a relationship with a woman for the last 5-6 years, I openly flirt with him, when we're alone and in front of his girlfriend, his girlfriend has recently left,(because of all of this) and we are now dating, and working together, how wrong is all of this?
p.s there is also a child, not his, but he has been a big part of her life, and now he does not see her.
Waiting to hear your response?

Hi Sue,

Thanks for writing...It seems from your letter that you feel some definite guilt. There's only two reasons I can think of where you'd feel guilty. 1) For the child, as children often get hurt when they needn't be...2) You feel guilty because you know you've caused a dramatic shift in this man's life, but you really don't feel all that strongly for him/you don't see him as a long-term possibility.

Now, there's obvious problems with dating your boss, both personal and professional. That being said, let me just say this - I sense that you possibly flirted with him for fun or because you saw a challenge, but I don't really see any real feelings from you for him in what you wrote. If that's the case, then you not only have possibly ruined his future, but your professional future as well. Relationships between a man and a woman and those between adults and children are not to be trifled with if they are sound. I'm not meaning to sound accusatory, but you're asking me how wrong this all is, and you already know the answer. If you truly love him and really want to be with him, then that's one thing...but to change three people's lives (His, the girlfriend, and the child) for no definite purpose is a dead wrong thing to do. If you are just playing around, bow out of his life and let him try to retrieve what might be completely lost with his girlfriend....it's the only right thing to do...If you're not playing around, and you're truly happy, then I wish the best to both of you...Good luck...

Name: Adriana
Question: I've been single for almost a year now. My ex and I were in a serious relationship for 4 yrs. At first it was roses, but as time dragged on, I found the one night, cheap sex, and no phone call the day after routine rather lonely.
My question is this...Is it wrong for a female to just meet someone and have sex with them that night? I mean, how much respect can a man have for a women if she's not putting up a challenge for the prize.....her?

That's my problem.....I don't get the phone call after they say they promise to call...I'm wondering if I'm doing something wrong? Is it because they have no respect for me because of the sex? Because it happened without really knowing each other? I want to know a man's view about this and what makes the difference between women to have sex with and women to actually consider having a relationship with.

Thanks

Dear Adriana,

Thanks so much for writing...This is a very popular question, it seems. First off, I just wanted to point out my concern that you say you were in a serious relationship for 4 years, but you felt as though later on in the relationship it simply felt like
on night stands? Lift your head up and see the world with your eyes for once...and see your prominent place within it. You mention (somewhat correctly) below that you don't put up a challenge for the prize that is you. I think you were stating the prize is the physical relations with you, but I'd like you to turn that slightly to see You, not just the physical aspects of yourself, as the prize...then you and I are on the same page. Please realize who you are and what you have to offer to yourself, and then to others. I hate to think that all you think you have to offer others is sex...you are selling yourself way too short if you think that.

As for the age-old question of whether or not a man will "respect you in the morning," it all depends on you. There are many long-term relationships out there that had passion right from the get-go. However, even though I'm not a statistician, I'm inclined to think that there are a lot more relationships out there that did not last very long when such passion (sex) was involved so early on in the relationship. Think about it. I'm willing to bet that you and your friends would think less of some other girls who had a habit of spending their first dates in the bedroom. Some girls think that they truly have strong feelings for their "partner" and that even though it's really early on, it's time to share physical intimacy. Others think that they need to sleep with their "partner" early on in order to keep him and make his hers, like it's some kind of security measure.

As people age, then they tend to be more in control of their emotions and know exactly what they want from a particular person, whatever the social implications. Some women have one night stands and that's truly all they want. There's nothing wrong with that, as long as they did exactly what they wanted, were in control of their own emotions and actions, and have no regrets later on. But in your case, I'm thinking you're more regretful....So to take a long way to answer your question, I'd say to hold off a little on the sexual part. There's no rush, especially if you are going to end up spending the rest of your life (potentially) with this person.

I can't speak for all men, but there are some general perceptions. If a woman is quick to jump in bed, then I believe guys do tend to think a little less of her than of others who wouldn't do that (at least subconsciously). Why? For many possible reasons...it could be that she no longer posed a "challenge" as you said. It could be that when a guy thinks of settling down with one woman, he doesn't want to think of her as someone that was quick to get into bed with others, as how secure can he be with her acting in the future with other guys? That says nothing about her, as she might think him to be her "knight in shining armor" and will never stray from his side, but most likely the guy won't notice that...he'll just remember how easy it was for him (and possibly others before him), and fear she'll be the same way with someone else. He might think that if she really wanted a long-term relationship, then she wouldn't be so quick with sex, so if she's not wanting a long-term commitment (by offering sex), then he might as well enjoy the moment and move on. Again, I can't speak for everyone as these are just a couple of examples of what we might think in any given situation...

As for you, do this - Slow down...find yourself. Know what a true and complete prize YOU really are, then allow others to know how special you are without being with them physically. If the guy is only interested in sex, and he's not willing to learn more about Adriana and learn that You are the prize and that the sex with you is merely icing on the cake (no matter how incredible it might be), then forget him. Not worth your time. You have so much more to offer. Find someone who realizes that, and he'll never leave your side...and when you eventually have sexual relations with him, I don't believe you'll have the problem of your phone not ringing the next day. Be true to yourself, be true to others and allow others to be true to you. You live your life honestly this way, and you'll honestly enjoy it...I hope this helps. Thanks so much for writing, and come back anytime. Please take care, and spread the word about the site...

Q & A: "she only loved one other person in her life"

2008-04-17T15:05:00.000-07:00

Name: Leanna
City: Sparks
Question: My dad just recently got married to a Russian lady with a 12 year old daughter. The two do not speak English very well and they are taking classes to learn. My dad has only known her for 3 months, and now he keeps regretting marring her and always tells me that they are moving out and then they don't end up moving out. Sometimes he gets so frustrated with the communication barrier and he regrets ever meeting her. This is putting me through a lot of stress because I am attempting to get close to my new step Mom and step sister but I am so sick of getting close to people because they always leave me in the end and it is so hard for me. I get so attached to people such as my Mom who moved to Vegas last year and my best friend of 4 years that is moving in two weeks. So I don't know what I should do and what I should tell my dad. He knew what he was getting into but he changes his mind so fast. And of course it doesn't help when he drinks, which is only once in a blue moon but when he does drink, one beer affects him like 10 and he changes so much. My stepmom does not understand why he changes like that. Should I continue getting close with them or keep to myself?

Dear Leanna,

Hi there...This is a tough one for sure. I can't say how long this step mother and her daughter will be around. The only thing I can say is that you have to learn to be comfortable within yourself and then you won't have to worry so much about getting close (dependent) to people. Who knows what the future holds? Since no one really does, then try to make the best of it....If they stay around, then at least you are close to them...There's never anything wrong with making people feel loved and safe. I'm sure they have a lot of fears themselves...If they leave, then at least you know in your heart you did what was right and that you treated them well. Also sit down and tell your Dad how you feel about things as well...Let him know that his decisions affect more people than just himself. I'm sure he knows this, but sometimes people lose focus or forget that there's other feelings/lives involved. I hope this helps, best of luck to you, and keep in touch.

Name: Amanda
Question: The father of my child received papers today at work for child support. We had our own arrangement between the two of us about child support and visitation but the state is the one pressing the issue because we are not married. I didn't know anything about this and now he thinks that I am lying and that I am trying to mess up his life. Now he says that he will not have anything to do with me or the child if I don't stop. He thinks that I did this to him. How do I get him to understand?

Dear Amanda,

Thanks for writing...This one's a little tough...He could be using this as a crutch to get out of the situation as there's a distinct possibility that the set up he has with you now is more beneficial to him than the one the state wants to impose. That might be worth looking into as your current agreement with him might not be as fair or to your advantage as you may realize. However, if you feel the arrangement is adequate, then surely you might have some kind of "character witness" - a friend, coworker, relative, someone from the state - who can say some kind words to him in your defense. Just remember one thing...If he's so willing to give up his relationship with your child because of legalities that he doesn't agree with, then it doesn't seem that his child is very high ranked in his mind...I hope this helps, and best of luck to you...

Name: Sheryl
Question: Here's the problem. It is quite serious. I was married for 13 years very unhappily. He is a manic depressive. I left him while he was out of town. It took two long scary years to get a divorce. We have no children. He has been ordered not to have any contact with me. I have not spoken to him the whole time because he feeds off of contact. Today I received a certified packet of letters, copies of our marriage certificate, and many other things from the past. He said I knows I am just ashamed and that is why I won't come home. He says he still loves me and I can come back home and we can work things out. He says its OK because everyone makes mistakes. We have been divorced for two years now. My question is, should I write a letter stating just the facts, let it go or contact a specialist who can tell me what to do in this situation? I am finally happy and I wonder if he just needs some closure or does it matter what I do? (He will still be completely obsessed with me) I need some serious advice for a serious problem. Remember he is unstable and has stalked me before I changed my name, residence, job, etc.

Dear Sheryl,

Hi there...Yes, it is serious. First off, if you want to get help from a specialist, by all means do so. These things are not to be taken lightly...Especially if he's contacting you after being ordered away. Now, for some layman's free advice - Stay away. No need to backtrack and dig up so much that you've gone through great lengths to leave behind you. Look at everything you've done to leave this person (and that life) behind....You've already said you're finally happy - So live your life...If he feeds off of contact, then why entice it? If he treated you so badly and you went through such trials and tribulations to change your whole life just to get away from him, then why even tempt fate? Let him seek professional help on his issues of being a manic depressive...You can't help him and wouldn't be a help to him (or yourself) by going back to him. You've changed ships, floated on to a new sea...Open your sails and explore what life has to offer you...I hope this helps, and best of luck to you...

Name: Natasha
Question: One day I was talking to my grandmother and somehow we got on the subject of love. She said that she only loved one other person in her life besides the one that is in her life now. She said this at first and then changed it to saying it was lust. She said it lasted over a year or so. I am going to ask you the same questions I asked her: How do you know that it's lust? I wanted to know because my grandma described it as being the butterfly's in the stomach and paying attention to looks and stuff like that. The reason I'm asking this is because I'm in a relationship with a guy that I love. We have been together for almost a year and we are best friends, laugh, cry, hate and love together. But if it ends would I think that it was just lust like my grandma did? Please help! Thanks!

Hi Nancy,

Thanks for writing...I think you're Grandmother might be using the term "lust" pretty loosely. I believe that she wants you to know that Love is everlasting...Sounds like hers lasted a long time. But a person can Love more than once...She might have said that to also make herself feel a little better as well...

If you are best friends with this boy, AND you feel you love him (and he feels the same toward you), then I'd say it is love. You Grandmother might have had a very passionate relationship (that might explain the butterflies and attention to the physical aspects) with this other man many years back, but perhaps she had no real friendship or basis of a rounded relationship with him...If that's the case, then it's possible for her to feel it was Lust, and not Love. However, for you, since you listed friendship first, I'd gather the friendship is the cornerstone of your relationship with him, and that makes me comfortable in saying you're most likely in Love...So don't worry about it. Enjoy your relationship...it sounds like the real thing. Good luck, and please spread the word about
the site...

Q & A: "I have discovered that my husband wears my clothes when I am not at home"

2008-04-17T15:03:00.000-07:00

Name: Jenny
Question: Last summer I met this guy named Alex, and we both really liked each other, and we were pretty much together the whole summer. But, when school came around we didn't really talk much, and then we just stopped talking all together. A couple months later I met this other guy named Chad, and we totally clicked right away, and were so close to each other so soon. We broke up four months later because some stuff happened, but we still love each other, and we tell each other that,but...I then met Alex, and started talking to him again to, and now I can't decide who I like more, and with Chad he plans on marrying me. Help me!! I have to choose soon!

Dear Jenny,

Ummm....Sounds like thinking of marriage might be a tad bit early. Be true to yourself. Concentrate on making your future the best it can and the boys will come...One day you'll look up from your work on your life and see the one that is just right for you. Until then, spend more time thinking about what you'd like to accomplish in your life for yourself...5 years from now you won't be able to remember either of these boys...make the most of your time and get things together. I hope this helps, and best of luck to you.

Name: Lynn
Question: My niece has had Cystic Fibrosis (CF) since 6 weeks old, she is now 6 yrs old. She just had a check up a couple of weeks ago, and found out she is only 39lbs. Way under weight......if she doesn't gain a considerable amount of weight they are going to put a tube in her stomach and hope that helps. This has terrified my sister. What I am wanting to know, is if you have any websites suggestions, or if you yourself know some good weight gaining recipes or any info. for weight gain. Also, my sister (my CF niece's mother) is feeling like this is all her fault. With her child having CF, (CF takes lots and lots of medicine and therapy) she feels she's at fault for some of her recent problems. She hasn't out and out said she feels at fault, but I can tell that is how she feels. How can I tell her she didn't do anything wrong, that her CF child is just going through what all CF children go through, without hurting her feelings? (CF life-span right now is 30) I am afraid if I tell her just that way she will think I am saying her daughter is dying. Please help, as you must know this is VERY stressful for the entire family. Thanks for your time.

Dear Lynn,

Your family tonight is in my prayers...I'm going to say that you and your family is in need of deeper and more meaningful advice that I can provide. I would think that you can contact the local hospital and find out if there are some local CF support groups that your sister can attend. Your telling her anything, even something supportive, can still be turned against you as you are not exactly in the same position she is in (i.e., you don't have a child with CF). You can subtly help her get in contact with others who are in the same position she's in. It might help her greatly just being able to share her experience with those who she knows has the same battle scars she does. Not only can it help your sister, but she can also gain information that might help with her child's weight situation. I'm sure they have come across like dietary problems and have some suggestions. Sometimes people can be too proud to acknowledge the benefits of sharing their experience with others...even if it's with those in the same boat they are in. I'm not sure if your sister has explored support groups, but if she hasn't, I'd strongly suggest one...I wish you the best of luck.

Name: Matt
City: Sonoma
Question: I am 24 years old, single, and haven't had sex in nearly 4 years. I come from a very dysfunctional family (my father is an alcoholic and my Mom doesn't speak up for herself or for anyone else).

I have been living by myself for nearly a year now, have graduated college, and work a job don't like (and have been doing for 6 years). I also have $22k in debt because of student loans and spend my weekends basically alone and very seldom go out because I don't have the social ties to do so. I really want to start living a "normal" life, and finding a girlfriend, but wherever my background follows me. I'm not good enough. I don't feel like I can keep going on like this and am wondering if you can suggest a way to untangle myself from this situation. Should I just quit my job and hope for the best? I have enough saved to live for at least a year. But what will I tell future employers...that I just quit my job because I was unhappy there? Probably a serious red flag in their eyes. Or will this just cause more stress in my life? I just want out of this situation. What would you suggest I do?

Dear Matt,

You're still young...You have the whole world in front of you...so now all you have to do is explore it. It sounds like you're pretty solid on your feet so I won't even comment on your family's past as it looks like you're headed in the right direction. You already have 6 years experience, and you can always explain your decision to have some time off with a variety of perfectly good reasons. Employers will tend to understand, especially if you change cities. First of all, that notion that you are not good enough is baloney. Good enough for Who? The only level of expectation that you have to live up to is your own. If you feel you're lacking in some area, then change it! You have enough savings to last a year...How excellent is that!?! You obviously have a good head on your shoulders to at least have the forethought to save your money wisely. The job market right now is booming and generous...If you want to make a change, I'd say all the conditions are right to do so. If you want to move somewhere else to feel like you're getting a fresh start, then do it...You have absolutely no restrictions (aside from the debt), so take advantage of the situation...You really have it within your means to make the changes in yourself and your lifestyle to make yourself happier....so do it! It's great to exist...but now start to Live. And once you really Live the Life You want to live, you'll never settle for simple existence again.....I hope this helps, and best of luck to you.

Name: Susan
City: Toronto
Question: I have discovered that my husband wears my clothes when I am not at home. What should I do about this?

Dear Susan,

Well, it really all depends on what you want to accomplish. It sounds as if you're not very pleased with the finding...It's definitely something that you're going to have to confront him with. Finding out a new facet to someone whom you thought you knew completely can certainly be unsettling. Sit him down and talk to him about it...It could be just a mild fascination...It also could be something deeper that he might need professional help with. But the only way to do anything about it is to talk to him...Best of luck to you, and take care.

Q & A: "when I see a girl I like, I can't talk to her"

2008-04-17T14:57:00.000-07:00

Name: Daniel
City: California
Question: Hi, I'm a 19 yr. male who's been too busy with school and work to try to meet girls I like, but now I would like to venture into this. My problem is, I'm incredibly shy! Shy to the point that, when I see a girl I like, I can't talk to her, and sometimes I even walk away from them whenever I see them! I've been told to simply gather my courage and "just talk to them," but doesn't that seem a little rushed? Won't teenage girls nowadays simply be frightened by such blatant shows of friendship from strangers? I'm not sure how to approach girls at all; any help would be appreciated! Oh, and where do people of my age meet girls? The only place I can think of is school; the beach is definitely out, since I don't look good...

Hi Daniel,

The best way to make others be attracted to you is to truly believe that you're attractive and worthy within yourself. I'm not saying to be arrogant, but have self-confidence and know within yourself that you have a lot to offer and that you will treat the right person like an equal, a friend, and a star. As for approaching girls, just be comfortable within yourself, look her in the eyes, and Smile...The rest will fall into place. As for places to meet women, there's no magic spot - You can meet the woman of your dreams simply by walking down the street, so it can happen anytime, anyplace. Try not to concentrate on How/Where, but be settled within yourself, know that you have excellent qualities and that you have tons to offer, and be friendly and sincere...I hope this helps you, and please spread the word about the site...Good luck.

Name: Sarah
Question: My name is Sarah and I'm 14 yrs. old. For the past 3 yrs. I've had to live with my grandma. The reason for this is that when I was younger my parents got a divorce when I was younger. From then on I lived with my Mom but 3 years ago she moved to San Antonio and made me move in with my grandmother since I didn't wanna move with her. The reason she didn't want me to live with my dad was because of my stepmother. I'm only aloud to go over there if my grandma is out of town and I'm always supposed to try to find a friend to stay with and use my dad's house if I can't stay with anyone. Well, my stepmom and I usually get along but there are things that we argue about. This past weekend I had to spend the day there. My dad and I decided to sit outside for a while before he took me home, so we did. My stepmom was out there with us. I didn't mind it at all until I really started to want to go home. That's when she told me just go home it's not like u live here anymore. The thing is that no matter what that was the house that I lived in for 9 yrs of my life until she came and I was forced to move out. This remark hurt me really bad and it's not the first time that she's said it. I'm tired of putting up with it and my dad doesn't say any thing about it and usually blames it on me. I love my dad and grandmother to death and don't wanna leave them, but lately my stepmom has been making me so mad that I've been thinking about moving up to San Antonio with my Mom. I really don't wanna leave because I've just started school and I'm making a lot of new friends but it hurts so much to go to a house that used to be mine and be told there that it doesn't matter because I don't live there any more. My question is should I leave here and go with my Mom or should I just stay and try to ignore what my stepmom says?

Sarah
Age 14

Dear Sarah,

Hi there...Thanks for writing. This is a really crummy situation to be in. I can't tell if you have, but you might be best served by talking about this with both your Father and Stepmom. Tell them both how that comment makes you feel and really let them know how deeply it affects you. Ask them plainly and straight to not make jokes about that anymore as it only makes you want to leave. Actually, first go to your father and tell him that you want to sit down with him and his wife and lay this out on the table. That way, he'll better understand your position. Tell him that you love him (and your stepmom if you do) and that you want to stay and make them a good part of your life. Your father has to understand what a tough situation you're in with both your parents not around you. But let me say this - running to San Antonio will not solve anything. If you sit down with them and afterwards still feel like moving to San Antonio, then that's fine. But if you go there just to run away from a problem, then you'll be more likely to run the next time you face difficulty...and that's no way to live a life. I hope that it works out well for you...you certainly deserve to be happy. I wish you the best of luck, and take care of yourself.

Name: Ginny
Question: My only child, Mike, and his wife live just a few blocks away. They are both very friendly and nice to us. They have been married 5 years. But in the last few years, they don't drop by to see us at all unless it's an occasion or someone's birthday. Mike has a good relationship with his dad and they play tennis together all the time, but I hardly ever see him. He just calls his dad to talk sports. My husband says don't complain because I will be considered high maintenance, but I get more and more hurt all the time and just want to ask her what I've done and why they ignore me. Thanks so much for your help!!

Hi Ginny,

I'm curious...You mention you're hurt by your son's actions, but you want to talk to his wife about it? Try this...ask your son to spend some time with you...Ask him to go shopping with you or to help you with something. Instead of being hurt (I'm not saying you're wrong for feeling hurt, but never settle for being a victim), make him and his wife a part of your life. Try to create some doubles competition in tennis so the four of you can play together...try to spend some time with the wife in your hobbies. You can always make them a part of your life instead of waiting for them to ask you to be a part of theirs. I hope this helps, and best of luck to you...

Q & A: "I found out that he has kids cause he had been married before"

2008-04-17T14:54:00.000-07:00

Name: Jenni
Question: After I got over the break-up of me and my Ex-fianc?I became an intimacy/ commitment phobe. I liked dating, but even if I felt a guy wanted something serious, (I'd make it a point to let them know before-hand that I wanted nothing to do with a "serious" type thing) I'd get distant. Well, I've been friends with this attractive guy for about 7 months, until recently. (We're "seeing" each other now) We both have the same outlook on relationships. specifically, we agreed that friendship first is best to get to know the other person, and that when the time was right, to just "go with the flow". not rushing, or pushing the other person. I like him a lot. I can tell by the way I feel. I get very uncomfortable doing things with guys, who have an "interest" in me other than platonically. (Which really sucks to me, because I LIKE dating, and dirty-dancing at the clubs) he's as close to perfect, to me, than anyone I've ever met, or known! I love his company, he's good with my daughter, she likes him, we get along very well, and my mom even likes him!! I'm very comfortable within this "relationship". We've made love, (and he's pretty damn close to perfect in that department too!!) Here's the problem: I have this inner struggle; I'm unable to be passionate, let alone have the kind of passion I WANT to achieve with him. I haven't even been able to bring myself to make-out with him. (on of the most intimate things in my book) Ok, so here's the question: How do I overcome my romantic-intimate struggle, and bring passion into our relationship? He's very new to everything, if you know what I mean. (hint-hint) Also, he's a gentleman, and between the 2, he won't make the first move. So, I'm kinda lost here! HELP please!! I really want to be "serious" with him!! But I need that "passion" there.
~Jen~

Dear Jenni,

Thanks for writing! It seems to me that your reluctance and lack of passion may be due to the constraints you and this guy put on your relationship right from the get-go. Sometimes when you consciously try to "go with the flow" or "just see where it takes you", you unconsciously focus so hard on letting things be free and loose that you actually end up restricting things that might otherwise happen naturally. If you're ready to go to the next level with him, then it's time to re-assess your relationship and talk it out with him so the both of you are on the same page. Make sure that he knows that it's not pushing or forcing any issue...it's just that you are at a point where you know the two of you have something special and you'd like to focus on you two as a couple to cultivate this further. He seems like a nice guy, so I'm sure he has like feelings as well. Go out for a nice dinner, look him in the eyes, and talk...Getting this out of the way just might allow you to finally feel free and clear enough to let that Passion you've been holding back flow. I hope this helps, and best of luck to you! Please don't be a stranger, and please spread the word about the site...

Name: Kaz
Question: Ok I went out with this guy and he's 29 and I'm 16. we went out for a few months and it was the best time in my life. He was so gr8 but about 2 months ago I found out that he has kids cause he had been married before but his X-wife has the kids and he says that him having kids will NOT stop him from loving me. (we both still love each other) Should I get back together with him? I really need some ones help.

Hi Kaz,

Run away....far, far away from this man. Not only is what he's doing ILLEGAL, but it also borders on Sick. He's lied to you, used you, and you allowed yourself to fall into his lies. This "boy" is a complete loss of effort. Please, for your own self-respect and future, drop this pedophile. He should be in jail for preying on someone so young. Please do not forget...he LIED to you. Once he does that, he'll never stop. And he has kids? What kind of Father is that?!? Leave him...NOW. Please do not let yourself be used by him any more...Promise yourself that. You might be starry-eyed with him now, but you will see in time that he does Not love you...he's USING you. Leave him and go back to high school. This man disgusts me...Please take care of yourself...and talk to your parents about this situation. You need their help.

Name: Jeanne
City: North Providence
Question: I am in a relationship with a man I've been living with since May. It has been getting better and better until last evening. There is no phone because it got shut off. (He abused call time) He was not home when I got home. He went to bar and came home at 1:00 a.m. No note etc. I didn't want to argue.. He turned things around to tell me he went through this for 13 years (was married) and did not want to go through it again. I only asked consideration (note). I told him not to worry, from now on I wont worry, but it goes both ways. Not to question my absence in future. He stormed out and went to his mothers house. How do I deal with this? Trying to be fair...

Hi Jeanne,

Wow...Looks like you touched a nerve there. I get skeptical when guys act this harshly over prodding by their mate when their own behavior caused the questioning in the first place. He might be hiding something or feeling some kind of guilt/pressure that you don't know about. On the other hand, his marriage might have been very rough for him and after a few drinks your discussion with him brought up some raw feelings. Your mentioning that you only seek consideration is not out of place...Maybe for him you brought it up at the wrong time. His not seeing your point of view might foretell something of his mindset...He seems to be pretty defensive, but then again, when you brought it up he might not have been in any kind of mood to deal with his hurting your feelings/being the cause of your worry. Give it a little time, talk to him openly about it after you two have calmed down and had a little peace and quiet. I'm sure he'll see your point of view, and he might divulge some insight into why he reacted so strongly. I hope this works out for the both of you. Best of luck, and please spread the word about the site.

Name: Luv
City: LA
Question: Well, I been in relationship with a longtime friend. He always been there good or bad before and after our relationship. I gave my virginity to him, and it wasn't one of those moments you want to forget about.. it was real love and I wasn't pressured. I guess I'm telling you this because he just got home from a trucking trip with his father and called me today well, last night and we were talking then out the blue he said he had to tell me something...and I might get mad over it ......he said these over and over again but he didn't go into it. I'm afraid he doesn't want to hurt me and that he has cheated. I feel it we really can't lie to each other so I know when something up. So what should I do if he did...I love him. I know he's the one so if he did cheat and I still stay with him .. Will that make me a dumb girl? should I stay? I really don't want to go!!! he has always been the one for me. I don't know what to do !! Help??? any advice helps.
Thanks

Hi Luv,

Thanks for writing...Really tough one to call. My normal reaction would be for me to tell you to forget about this guy. But before you do anything, you really first have to ascertain what he needs to tell you...It might be just what you think, but then again, it might be something trivial. First get the facts before you ruin yourself with worry. Once you have them in hand, then you need to decide how to react. Let's play devil's advocate and say that he did cheat on you. If you want to stay with him and truly believe you could forgive him enough to continue working towards your future together, then just keep in mind one thing - You want to make sure that he knows this one transgression/mistake/mishap is forgiven but also that now you two are on a rope...One more misstep and the both of you are over. You have to let him know how deeply his actions affect you...also try to make sure he visualizes if the shoe was on the other foot. It really sounds like you love this guy, and for his sake I'd like to see him work it out with you. Just always keep in mind that no matter how much you love a guy, you're not a doormat. If he tends to want to walk all over you and take advantage of your emotions and loyalty, then it's time to for you to do some walking of your own...Away. I just hope for his sake that he didn't do anything too stupid to lose a gem like you. Hope this helps, and best of luck to you...don't be a stranger.

Q & A: "I have problem communicating with my boyfriend"

2008-04-17T14:53:00.000-07:00

Name: May
City: San Francisco
Question: I have problem communicating with my boyfriend. He doesn't seem to care about me. The thing is he's never there when I need him. when he need me I'm always there. He use to be sweet not any more. he spend more time with his friend then he did with me. I think he's cheating on me with another woman. I need your advice. what should I do? should I leave him and look for another guy. I'm not happy like I used to be. help!

Hi May,

Thanks for writing...But now, seriously go back and read what you wrote...Your answer is right there in front of you! I obviously don't have to say anything as you already know the answer, but for the sake of hearing it from someone else - Drop this loser. He doesn't listen to you, he's never there for you, he doesn't care about you, he's cheating on you...No Brainer...Go on, live your life, and be happy. Best of luck, and please spread the word about the site...

Name: Cassie
City: Columbia
Question: Please help me ok there is this guy that I went out with for about 4 months and it was fine but then we broke up. But now I we both think that we still have feelings for each other so were gonna get together sometime the problem is that he's older then me but I think I still really like him. Should I go back out with him? and if yes do you have any advice on how I can make this relationship work? THANK you so so much
~*Cassie*~

Hi Cassie,

Thanks for writing...Your situation is really hard for me to gauge. You said things were going along fine and then you two split...why? Any good reason? I'm just a little skeptical as you say this person's older than you (but I'm not sure by how much). If he's substantially older than you, then I'd be wary. You might be putting yourself in a position to be used and left, and that's certainly not what you want out of life. 4 months is not a very long time to go out, and if you had substantial enough problems to split after such a short time, I'd be a little gun-shy about diving into another relationship with this person. Whatever the reason was for the breakup, it was serious enough to end your being a couple. Sometimes, it's best left alone after something like that happens. Focus on yourself, work towards bettering yourself and your future, and be with someone who shares your likes, loves, and dreams...Remember - you most likely want to grow old with someone special...If this guy is way ahead of you in age, then you won't really be growing old with him. He'll be showing you the way, and you'll be taking care of him...It's for you to decide what kind of future you want before you make any long-term emotional investments...I hope this helps, and best of luck...Please spread the word about the site!

Q & A: "I have been engaged now for a year in a half but I am interested in a friend of mine"

2008-04-17T14:50:00.000-07:00

Name: Serena
Question: Okay I really like this guy and one time I spent 7 hours over @ his house my friend is his sister but he is 2 and a half years older than me. When I was over his house we were holding hands most of the time like about 5 hours then the next day he acted like nothing happened What should I do?
Confused but hopeful

Hi Serena,

Don't give up hope, but also don't put too much thought and effort into the time you spent with him either. Take things slow and easy...Enjoy yourself, and do whatever is important for you to do each and every day. If things are to develop between you and this guy, it will. It's not like you're never going to see him as you're bound to go to your friend's house every once in a while. Also, don't be disheartened with the way he treated you at school...If he's that much older than you, then he has his own circle of friends and might be effected by the stigma of liking someone in a lower (or a couple lower) grade level(s). He's probably just keeping it cool while he's with his friends at school. Play it cool, and things will turn out fine...Hope this helps, and please spread the word about the site...

Name: Ned
Question: I am an eligible bachelor. I have a great job, a beautiful house, I go on wonderful vacations, and have great parents and siblings--what is missing in my life is a wife and children. I am attracted to a lovely young lady who joined my staff almost a year ago. We get along well and have similar backgrounds. My problem is how to approach her without it being perceived as sexual harassment by perhaps herself and others on my staff since I am her boss. I await your advice on how to proceed. Signed Perplexed

Hi Ned,

Tough one. You obviously know that old saying "Never put your personal life in your payroll"...People throw around sexual harassment VERY easily and you know how gossip can really get out of control...and imagine if that gossip was true! Do you really think she's attracted to you in the same way? Is she schmoozing you for advancement or is she truly interested in you? These things can sometimes be hard to decipher. Maybe there's another department she can go to so she's not a direct report...make sure you bone up on your company's policy on inter-office romance as well. In some companies you can both lose your jobs.

In regards to how to approach her, I'm not a lawyer, so this can be potentially tricky...You might want to go out to lunch with her sometime and ask very innocently if she'd be willing to go out to dinner sometime where work will have nothing to do with it. Don't openly tell her you're attracted to her, but ask if there's a chance of you two going out sometime. Make sure she realizes that this is purely innocent and that whatever her decision, it IN NO WAY affects her job or your perception of her as an employee. And you have the difficult task of making that true if she rebukes your efforts...I wish you the best of luck.

Name: Kyna
Question: I have been engaged now for a year in a half but I am interested in a friend of mine who is one of his friends, I see this friend of mine quite frequently and he is always on my mind. I have only kissed my friend though but now I feel I want to take it a step further. I am wrong for having these feelings?

Hi Kyna,

No, you're not wrong having these feelings...You are wrong thinking that you should keep this engagement alive. Do everyone a favor - if you're heart's not in it fully, then take a step back from your engagement. If you feel this way now, then you run the risk of having the same problem after you get married, and then the law gets in the way and hurts a heck of a lot more. Also, if you claim to love your fiance then you have to be truthful to him and not lead him on. There's a good chance he's thinking of his spending his life with you (since he asked you to marry him and all), and you're focusing on his friend...How wrong is that?!?! If you have any respect for him, get your heart and mind in order before you take that step to the altar...If you love him, you have to want the best for him and his future...and now you have to figure out if you're to be a part of that picture. Good luck to you...

Q & A: "finding it hard to make friends"

2008-04-17T14:47:00.000-07:00

Name: Dan
Question: I am a first year student in college and finding it hard to make friends. I am a very out going person in group but when the group leaves and I am left alone with one other person, I don't know what to talk about. Especially with this girl who I really like. She has a boyfriend in another country yet he told her that she can see other people. I don't know if she would date other guys especially me. I think we became go friends even though we had only known each other for less than a month. I want to say something but I can't seem to speak when we are alone. Can you help me?

Hi Dan,

The easiest way to have a conversation with someone when you find it hard to talk is to have them do all the talking. Ask her a few questions about her past, her life, certain things that may have happened to her that was funny, etc. Then let her do all the talking and feed off of that. Not only will this help break the ice (where she will most likely ask you similar questions), but once she starts talking and sharing with you, this will help establish that all-so-important bond of trust between the two of you. Hopefully before you know it, you two will be gushing with conversation and not even realizing how great a time you're having together. I hope this helps, and best of luck to you. Don't be a stranger, and please spread the word about the site...Happy Holidays!

Name: Paulina
Question: My best friend, Karen, whom I had known for 7 years, and I moved into a 2 bedroom apartment together in 1997. Karen and I were very close and we developed a wonderful friendship. In Dec 1998, a tragedy happened to my friend Megan. Her mother was in a serious car accident in Dec 1998. It was a miracle that she lived. She had extensive injuries to her legs and hips and the doctors did not think she would walk again. I tried to support Megan as much as I could by being there for her and going to the hospital with her almost every day for about 3 months. Megan's roommate said she was moving out and Megan couldn't afford a place on her own. I talked to my roommate Karen and asked if she would consider letting Megan stay with us. Karen had developed a friendship with Megan over this time and Karen agreed to let her move in. Everything was going well so we decided that we'd look for a 3 bedroom house. I found a house in March 1999 and we were scheduled to move in May 1st. I had been in a relationship with a man for a few months. On April 29th, I found out I was pregnant. I told Karen the minute I found out. She was very excited for me. The problem was that we were to move out of the apartment that day. The apartment had already been rented out to someone so we couldn't back out from moving into the house. I told Megan the next morning about the pregnancy. She seemed happy for me and said that if it would help one of her friends was looking for a place and that she might be interested in moving into the house. Over the weekend, my boyfriend and I talked the pregnancy over and he wanted me to move in with him that we could be together to raise our child. I told him that before I do anything I wanted to talk to the rental company about our obligation to the house because I wanted to be fair to my roommates and not leave them without a 3rd party to pay the rent. I went to the rental company and explained the situation. They said that if we paid 2 months rent, we would not have to sign a lease and we were free to move out after the 2 months if we desired. I went back to the house to tell my roommates the news. I was willing to pay my share of the rent for the 2 months that we were obligated to. After that time, my roommates could find a place on their own, get another roommate, or find a 2 bedroom apartment, but at least they would not be without a third party during those 2 months. During those 2 months I was going to stay with my boyfriend. I thought this would also be a bonus for them as they would have a big house all to themselves.
I walked into the house and neither Karen or Megan would talk to me. I asked them what was wrong. Megan blow up at me screaming that she was going to rip my f***en face apart. She said that I was leaving them high and dry and that all I did was think about myself. I thought that under the circumstances I was being fair by taking responsibility for our obligation. They didn't have to stay in the house after the 2 months was over and I was paying my portion of the 2 months rent, but not even living there. Megan told me to get out or she was going to kick me out. I felt very afraid that she was going to become violent so I grabbed a few items of clothing and left sobbing. By the time I got to my boyfriends place, I was experiencing heavy bleeding. The next morning I went to the doctor and he thought that I had miscarried. I was scheduled for an emergency ultrasound to confirm the news. The doctor said that the symptoms I was experiencing was related to trauma and he questioned what was going on in my life. I told him about the incident the night before and he said that that would do it. Luckily, the ultrasound confirmed that the baby was all right. My boyfriend said that he didn't want me anywhere near Megan. I felt totally stressed and felt like that whole incident was a nightmare.
Then Megan started emailing me at work saying again that I had left them high and dry and how could I do that to them. I said that I wasn't leaving them high and dry but paying what we had to and then the choice was up to them. She said she thought they were better friends than that and expected better treatment. I called Karen to talk to her and she would not say much. I found it hard that she turned away from me when Megan flipped on me. I felt that she thought that it was ok for Megan to do what she did.
Megan then emailed me again at work saying that Karen didn't want to hear from me and that she's saying some pretty bad things about me. Then she said, "You better think about that bastard that you're bringing into this world. You and your boyfriend are never going to make. You're going to end up a fat ugly women just like you were a fat ugly child. Then I will laugh. It's about time you met someone like me who will not be bullied by someone like you. So go away, I don't even want to waste my time thinking about you."
I left my desk in tears as I read what she wrote in her email. My co workers read the emails that we had exchanged and said that she was being immature and that I should end the friendship. I didn't contact her and then about 2 weeks later there was a message on my telephone asking me to call her. I called and she said she was in trouble. She said she was the same as me - pregnant. She said she wanted my advice. At that point, I didn't feel that any advice would have been good advice because it would have been my fault for whatever outcome she decided. I suggested that she see a qualified professional such as a counselor at the hospital to help her. She apologized for the way she had acted and I accepted. I thought that things could get back to normal. I found out later that she had opted for an abortion. I called to see how things were going with her & Karen. During the conversation, I mentioned that I had to go to the doctor for a TB test because someone that my boyfriend worked with had been exposed to it and although he didn't have it there was a chance that it could have been passed onto me. I was 8 months pregnant at the time. Megan said that I would have to have an abortion. I felt like telling her that just because she had one did not mean that everyone had to have one -- but I kept my mouth shut.
Then 2 days before I was to be induced she asked if I had taken any prenatal courses. I said no but that I had done a lot of reading with my boyfriend and we had downloaded lots of info. She said "you're going to panic and you're not going to know what to do. You should have taken a course cause you're not going to be prepared. I ended up having an 8 lb baby boy and within 2 weeks I was the same weight I was before I got pregnant. I am now 12 pounds less than what I was before I got pregnant. I have control of my life and things are going very well with my baby and fiance. But what do I do about this situation to straighten it out? What do I say to Megan? To Karen? Is the effort worth it or are these friendships just not meant to continue?? Please help!!!

Hi Paulina,

It's totally up to you. First off, Megan has some issues that she needs to take care of. Sounds like some serious professional counseling is her only hope. You've done what you could, you were there for her when her Mother was hurt, and you offered up a rooming option for her. She's obviously bitter about what happened to her Mother, but she hasn't seemed to have worked through it yet. She seems so cynical that she can't see the good points of others. I'd leave her be...She'll contact you only when she needs you. As for Karen, I'm a little more surprised with her. You've been best friends for 7 years, and she really should've stood up for you during the first confrontation with Megan. Seems like she has no backbone at all because Megan was talking for her so soon. Forget about Megan and live your life with your new family. If Karen chooses to be a part of your life, then excellent...You'll have to have a heart-to-heart with her and figure out how she'll fit in your life once you accept her for who she is. She really seems to have shown her true colors by siding with a new friend so quickly and forgetting the past 7 years with you. Perhaps you should really see if you did anything to hurt her because it seems a little strange for her not to be there for you. Anyway, enjoy your life, congrats on your child and engagement, and best of luck to you. Don't be a stranger, and please spread the word about the site.
Happy Holidays!

Name: Ricky
Question: Hello, I am a 24 yr. old white male trying to get back together with my ex who is a 25 yr. old black woman. She always tells me that she has ruined my life and then she will say she is sorry about what happened but then she will tell me that she will notify the authorities if I try to contact her. Basically on one hand she tells me I'm in her thoughts and prayers and on the other she says she will call the police on me. What am I supposed to believe?

Hi Ricky,

Sounds like she's giving you a kind yet definite brush off. She's putting the blame on herself to make you feel better, but it definitely laying down the "law" by not leaving any opportunity for recovery. Cut your losses, chalk it up to experience, and move on with your life. You have no hope there, and she's wanting you to now feel angry/hurt towards her while forgetting about her. Make her wishes come true...Go on and grow without her. I hope this helps, and best of luck to you...Please spread the word about the site...Happy Holidays!

Q & A: "I have been cheated on by my first love"

2008-04-17T14:46:00.000-07:00

Name: Shanna
Question: Hi, I have a big problem. This last summer I found myself at a job where the guys were very sexual. I have a boyfriend that I love very much. The problem is that I slept with a coworker and my boyfriend found out. I lied to him about everything. But he told me just to come clean so I did, after 2 months of lies. I want to work things out with him and life our life together. He wants to stay together as well but he said I have to prove myself to him. He said he will never trust me or believe a word I say. So I guess I have 2 questions. Should I even bother with this situation, I know it is my fault but do relationships ever get better after an affair? And is there any advice you can give me to help me prove to him my love and loyalty? I need all the advice I can get. I love this man more than I realized! I don't think I could live without him! Thank you!

Hi Shanna,

Well, you're already behind the 8-ball on this one. You obviously haven't proven yourself to him thus far and allowed yourself to risk losing what you now find important (if you were truly in love with him as much as you claim, then you most likely would not have done anything to jeopardize that). Actions do speak louder than words, and your actions weren't the most loving of kinds (at least not towards him). Over time, it's going to be your actions from here on in that are going to be the true measure of things. The only bad part is that he's said that he'll never trust or believe you again. I hope for your sake he's saying that out of anger and not truth...If he is, then there's a chance that after time he'll begin to trust you and things will be better. If not, then your uphill battle just got a heck of a lot steeper. Now if he is the type who will always bring it up in the future and never let you live it down, then you're going to have to decide whether or not you want your nose rubbed in it all the time in the future, love him or not. If you can't prove yourself to him and he's not going to let you, then you'd best leave him...This is a harsh lesson to learn, but it's one you're going to have to work through, with him, or anyone else in your future. Best of luck to you...Happy Holidays!

Name: Catalina
Question: I have been very depressed lately. I am in high school (freshman) and I have been cheated on by my first love, I have been overdosing on pain killers, I feel alone a lot, I am feeling like all my friends are 2-faced or backstabbers, I need any type of advice, I have seen guidance counselors, psychologists...everything.

Hi Catalina,

It's easy for me to say don't be depressed, but Don't. You truly have your whole life ahead of you. Work on the things that you love in life, and start to think about where you want to be once you graduate high school...And I mean really give it some thought. College? Live somewhere else? Start a business/career? Figure out what
sounds good to you and throw yourself into it. Sounds to me that you've already learned one of the important lessons in life - Before you rely on anyone else in life, you have to learn to rely on yourself. Learn to love yourself and be comfortable within your own skin...And stop taking painkillers as they are not going to be any true help to you...Learn to be your own best friend and help yourself...I think you'll turn out just fine. I have confidence in you, and now have it within yourself. Also don't give up on the professional help...Those counselors and psychiatrists might very well help you out of the woods, but you have to honestly give them a chance to assist...I hope this helps, and best of luck to you. Don't be a stranger, and please spread the word about the site. Happy Holidays!

Name: Kay
City: Pasadena
Question: I am wanting to leave my husband of 6 years for many reasons - legal and moral reasons. I have two children with him. I love him. But the fighting goes on and on. Things like he says he asked me to do something for him and I didn't. But in reality he never asked me to do so. He always blames me for things that have gone wrong when I had nothing to do with it in the first place. I know I am not perfectly innocent in the relationship although I don't pick fights just to pick them. The kids have never said anything about the fighting. We usually try to keep the kids out of it. I just can't take anymore mental abuse. I do not work and have no way of supporting myself at the time and I am too proud to get on assistance. I can't go to my parents or others in my family because they don't like him. By the way, he's never hit me or given me the impression that he would. Help!!

Dear Kay,

Hi there. This whole situation screams for some type of mediation...Whether it be via your local clergyman or through professional marriage counseling, it sounds like you and your husband can really use it. If you truly love him, and know in your heart of hearts that he loves you, then maybe it's worth trying to save. I'm thankful that he's never made a move to physically harm you in any way. Also, some of the things you mentioned makes me wonder if he could use some psychological counseling as well. If he's willing to work on himself, then maybe there's hope. I wish you the best of luck...Happy Holidays to you and yours...

Name: Kathy G.
City: Allentown
Question: I am writing because I want to know what to do about my family. I have repeatedly asked them to visit me here where I live and they refuse to do so even though I visit them every year. I miss them so much but they always claim to be too busy. Is that fair?? It is the only way I get to see them. Help!

Kathy

Hi Kathy,

Sounds really one-sided to me. Do you live in a horrible area? Are you unable to move closer to them? It's not right that they don't visit you...If it's for good reasons (money/time/trouble/access/area), then maybe you can look at doing something to move closer to them. If it's not for a good reason and they're just lazy, then you should be more independent and get on with your life. To keep your family should not rest solely on your actions...I hope this helps, and best of luck to you!

Q & A: "he has seen online this picture of a girl having sex with a man and believes that the girl on the picture is me."

2008-04-17T14:43:00.000-07:00

Name: Russ
Question: I have had sex at an early age there are good points and bad points to it that I have found. Sex is what made and ruined our relationship. She was about to dump me then we had sex and we stayed together. Now I'm moving and she has this "bond" to me and she is very upset. What should I do to make her feel better? She means everything to me.

Hi Russ,

Tell her what you just told me - that she means everything to you. I don't know how far away you're moving, so there's a chance you can still be together, if you wish. However, I'm thinking both of you are relatively young, so my advice would be to break it off once you move. It will allow both of you to grow and be stronger without each other. You never know what the future holds...Maybe one day the two of you will be together again, if it's meant to be. The only thing you can do is to do what's best for yourself and your future...All else will fall in to place. Hope this helps, and best of luck to you.

Name: Erin
Question: I am a freshman in high school. I have a best friend. But lately, I am feeling lonely. I am growing distant from my friends and family. It seems like no one cares, so my grades are dropping, along with my self esteem. And I feel so depressed. I'm not seeing anyone for professional help, but I am scared to tell my Mom. That she will get mad, or she will shrug it off and say its nothing. I went to NoStigma.com, and it had warning signs. I fit at least 3/4 of those warning signs. I just don't know what to do anymore. It seems like I am losing everything. But it feels like I deserve it. But I feel like I should be deserving something to gain, and that not happening. Please I need help before its too late!

Hi Erin,

Thanks for writing. Go and tell your Mom immediately...Explain to her that this is a serious situation and that you think you might need some help through this. Show her the website and explain to her that this is really serious and immediate to you. If she doesn't want to help (I think she will), then maybe your school counselor/principal can offer some assistance. If you feel you need professional help, then Get some. Just know that this happens to a lot of people around your age...You're trying to fit in, learn about yourself, and feel that no one understands you nor do they appreciate where you're coming from or what you're going through. This can be very frightening and confusing...Never forget that you are a good person and that you have a lot to offer...If you feel that things are going bad for you right now and that you deserve it, you have to remember that the only thing you deserve in this life is to have self-love for yourself, and the respect and love of those around you. This time in your life is rife with discovery and new horizons...You are feeling your oats and finding out not only what makes Erin tick, but what kind of person you are. This can be very mystifying and alienating to go through, but know that not only will your self-doubts and feelings of loneliness fade away, but that you will be a very strong and incredible person because of it. I wish you the best of luck with this time, and please do not be a stranger. Good Luck!!!!

Name: Kim
Question: I really do not know where to begin, but here goes.... I feel so sad and worthless lately. I'm 23 with a part time job I hate, I have yet to finish school and I'm involved in a relationship that I have serious doubts about. I feel powerless and depressed. When I try to share my feelings with my family or even my boyfriend I get a response of "what's your problem, why are you being dramatic." Worst of all I feel powerless to control the things that are going on in my life. HELP!!! I'm not sure if what I've written makes sense but I really would be thankful for any advice you'd have to give.

Hi Kim,

Well, the holiday season is the most depressing time of the year...that being said, you have much more control in your life than you think. Be empowered within yourself and take control of your life! You hate your part time job? Leave it! The economy is extremely strong right now, so the job market is very vibrant and finding another job should not be difficult. If you wish to finish school, then hopefully you can find a job that offers tuition reimbursement...that way, you can finish school and have your employer pay for it (or at least part of it), which is always a plus. You feel powerless only because you allow yourself to be so. If you have serious doubts about your relationship, then break it off for now...One of the problems I see is that you are not confident within yourself. Break off your relationship and spend the time to really find out who Kim is on the inside...Get to know yourself again. I promise - Once you have a firm sense of who you are, what you deserve in life, and what you have to offer others, you'll never feel out of control again. Powerlessness stems from self-doubt, and self-doubts occurs when one is not in tune with oneself. Learn to Love and cherish Kim, and all else will fall into place...Hope this helps, and best of luck to you. Please spread the word about the site, and don't be a stranger.

Name: Kathy
Question: Help!!!! My boyfriend and I have been together for about 2 months and he was surfing the web and seen this picture of a girl having sex with a man and he swears up and down that the girl in the picture is me. We may have the same face but her body is much better than mine. She has huge breasts whereas I....The first time I has sex was when I was 19 and I am 23 now. I got pregnant at 19. 19 was the same year I died my hair black and it has been black for the past 4 years now. This girl had brown hair. The girl looks like she is about my age now 23. My question is this: How am I supposed to get it through his head that picture is not me. I have already given him 6 points that it is not me in the picture. We have not talked in two days. It really hurts that when I tell him no it is not me, he still does not believe me. I have a feeling no matter what everything that I say from now on he thinks is going to be a huge lie. Help!!!!

Hi Kathy,

If your boyfriend believes everything he sees on the net, then I have some swampland I'd love to sell him as "waterfront property." Maybe he'll also take over the outlandish lease on my car...He's pretty gullible to have so much conviction over a picture. Also pretty indignant for a guy who really shouldn't be surfing the net viewing smut when he has you as a girlfriend. He's lucky you haven't slapped him upside the head for surfing porn in the first place, let alone make an argument over it. If he doesn't believe you, then drop this ignorant jerk...Let him go ahead and sadly surf the net by himself and you go on with your life. You need to have a partner who respects you and your thoughts, dreams, wishes, and most of all, your word. If you say it isn't you, then it isn't you. You can only point out so many things to a blind idiot. Get rid of this guy...if he leaves you over this, then good riddance. Best of luck to you...Happy Holidays!

Q & A: "i have a boyfriend, which i really like, but we never talk"

2008-04-17T14:40:00.000-07:00

Name: Bri
City: Boston
Question: This guy I was talking to ditched me when we had a date to go to a Christmas party and went drinking instead, but he was really sweet before. He was mad at me because I kept him up late one night on the phone. Now he won't even talk or look at me when I see him. Any advice?

Hi Bri,

If some guy got mad at you because the two of you stayed up late one night communicating, can you imagine what kind of communication problems you'd have with him if you two were going out? Forget this guy...let him go out and hang out at bars where he can hide behind a bottle and a smile. You deserve more than that...remain true and strong to yourself and you'll find the person who compliments you perfectly...Hope this helps, and best of luck to you!

Name: Amber
Question: I have been dating a guy for 8 months now. Everything is great I have never been happier. But I am always scared that he might leave me, or cheat. What can I do? How do I know if this love will last?

Hi Amber,

Love is about a lot of things, but two of the main things are Trust, and a Leap of Faith. If you are truly happy with him, then relish in your relationship and LIVE. Tomorrow (Fingers crossed this doesn't happen) something horrific can happen to either one of you and you'll never be together again. But at least you got to share the love you have up till now. I'm going to throw an old but appropriate cliche at you - "It's better to have loved and lost than to have not loved at all." Enjoy him....Enjoy the love, laughter, memories and tenderness you two share. What if you are still together in love 10 years from now and you realize that you could have really focused on the two of you instead of always glancing over your shoulder waiting for something bad to happen? You'll kick yourself for being so narrow-minded, as well as for having wasted such precious time. You never know if anything will last, that's just one of the harder aspects of life...so since you can't tell what's going to happen in the future, you might as well live up what you have in your hands now. Have a good time in this, Amber...I'm happy for you, and wish you the best of luck...

Name: Linda w
Question: i have a boyfriend, which i really like, but we never talk. everyone always tells me how much he likes me, but i know that he just likes the way i look. i cant seem to get myself to talk to him, and neither can he, but we both really like each other i like him for his looks and how he acts, he likes me for my looks alone. i don't know what to do! i don't want to break it off with him, but if i cant get my self to talk to him, and if i think he likes me only for my looks-then what's the point?!?! help

Hi Linda,

You bring up some good points...Looks change. If your relationship is based purely on what the eye beholds, then I tend to think that "longevity" is not one of the words used to describe your relationship. If you two truly like each other, then take the time to really get to Know each other. Go out somewhere quiet...a park, a lake, the shore, somewhere where the two of you are alone. Wear comfortable clothes and don't go out of your way to primp yourself. Tell him to be very conformable too...something he would wear if he was just going to hang out at home or a friend's house. Then sit down with him, and talk. Share your past...funny stories, moments and people who have really touched you and molded you to who you are today. Ask him about similar things. Take a lunch (or dinner) with you and just Share. Talk not only about your past, but your future as well. The things you want to see and experience, what your goals are. Find out the same things about him. Hopefully a lot of your future aspirations will be similar (or at least complementary) with his. Open yourself up and let him see that there is more beauty within you than what's on the outside...and find his inner beauty as well. Now, if this opening exercise doesn't work to bring you two together as a couple, then hopefully you two will be better friends. It will also give you the more clear answer for your future as a couple that you're seeking...I hope this helps, and best of luck to you! Don't be a stranger...

Name: Nicole
Question: OK. here's the scoop! I just met this guy 5 days ago at a party. Basically it was arranged that him and I would hook up because there was 2 other girls and two other guys there that already had their minds set on my friends that invited me. My background is that basically I am very sheltered and I guess a little nerdy. Anyway last Saturday I met Jerry and he is a freshman in college (I am a Junior in High School). We had a blast together we had a pillow fight and a tickle fight, things I am not use to but the entire time I kept my morals by me and made sure that my bra was covered at all times and everything. Even when his two friends came out into the living room (that's were he and I were while the other two couples "screwed" in the back bedrooms/I know this because his friends came out in to the living room and asked Jerry for the condoms to use on my two friends-talk about a screwy situation). Anyway even when his friends joined us he was still "flirting with me in front of them"(WOW). After I got home 2 hrs later my friend that was hosting the little get together called to tell me that as she was saying good-bye to Jerry he said that "even though I didn't get lucky, yeah! I am interested"--so she gave his number to me! Here's the point! I don't know if I should call him/is it to late/should I let it go/should I do something about it and if so any ideas!!! Thanks for listening and taking the time! If you could email me soon as you can tell it is a little on the urgent side. Thanks again!- I hope I was able to be clear on everything!

Dear Nicole:

Thanks for writing! This is a little tricky...First off, I'm going to assume that you are over 16 and that he is about 18? Secondly, it sounded more like a "sex-party" (or Orgy) than a regular party. Was there anyone else at this "get-together" than the 3 couples? It didn't sound like it. So you are excited that he might like you, even though in this particular situation you kept your morals about you and didn't do anything with him and kept your bra covered. Nicole, I might be reading this wrong, but it seems you are asking me to tell you it's okay to feel excited about speaking to a guy who spent time with you in a situation where sex was the activity and the players were interchangeable. You are trying to find romance out of a situation where you and your friends treated each other like pieces of meat. Now you might not be looking at things this way since you mentioned you were sheltered and all, but Look at it. You kept your morals about you, which is excellent! Now keep your pride. If your friends want to have little parties like this and risk a lot of things (don't get me started on STDs, let alone pregnancy) and look at relationships on a much lower and base level, that's their business. You sound like a girl who's nice and has her heart in the right place, but put towards the wrong application.

Think about it...Of Course he was flirting with you in front of his friends...they just "got lucky" and he was (rightfully) worried he would end up the one who was going to be going home without "getting any" that night. He (and you) should think of it this way - He DID "get lucky" as he spent his time with a high caliber person. His friends spent time with two girls whose names they won't remember next month (unless they want more action), while he really hung out with a pretty special person. Never forget that you are special...Now to answer your question directly, there's a few things you should do. Don't hang out with these friends too much, or if you do, definitely don't go to any more of their Pimping parties. You're not going to meet any quality people at those events, and even if you do, first they are definitely not looking for any future relationships, and secondly they will have a skewed and lowered opinion of you because you're simply there - doesn't matter what your actions are. As for this guy, I'd forget about him...Find someone who thinks your smile is brighter than the heavens and who is really interested in what you have to say and think. Be with that one special person and your friends can have these parties every single night and never will be as happy or content as you are. I hope this helps, and don't be a stranger...Best of luck to you.

Q & A: "how can I break up smoothly with my girlfriend and get the attention of my new best friend?"

2008-04-17T14:38:00.000-07:00

Name: Lyn
Question: I have read many of the Q&A page postings. And you have offered some very helpful and thought provoking answers. Here is a question I haven't seen..Do you feel that our destiny is chosen for us, and that we are unable to alter it, or that we are creating our own destiny with each choice we make?
I personally feel that you make your own destiny. I have a hard time accepting that my life is pre-planned, and that I cannot alter it. I met my husband through a personal ad, and many of my friends say that is was fate or destiny that brought us together. I say that I made a choice..to read the personal ads. If I didn't who's knows if I'd even be married, but believers of destiny would argue that we would have met anyway, that we were meant to be. I don't buy it. My life exists today because of the choices I've made, not because of any other reason. I would like you're opinion, if you please.

Hi Lyn,

Thanks for the compliment! I'll try not to disappoint you on this...This is a great question - But one that's left mostly to personal conjecture. I believe that it's a little of both. I think that the "Grand Plan" for everyone's life is laid out there, somewhat like a checkerboard. There's an overall schematic of what can/will happen, and it's up to human instinct and personal motivation to fill in the blanks. For instance, let's say someone has the incredible talent of playing the guitar. Just picked it up and Rocked right away. This person will have the groundwork laid out as a path into music, but then that person has to really make choice and put forth concerted effort if success is going to come around. The record company is not going to knock on the door if this person simply wails guitar rifts away in the bedroom without getting out in public.

I think that your scenery of destiny changes somewhat as you make your path through life. Your choices make the path, but I think that your overall destiny is pretty simple and clear. I don't think that one person's destiny is to write a great novel AND be a sport star AND make millions AND travel the globe AND be President, I think it may be something very simple - Like being a Father...Being in the right place at the right time to help another person... Look at Elvis - was his destiny to be loved and revered by millions, or was it something more personal, like dying by his own hand (not intentionally, but sufficiently nonetheless)? One never knows, but most would hope the first choice was his true destiny. If that was the case, he was destined to be a star, no matter what he did. But you never know - maybe his destiny was actually to be in a place to change someone's life forever...Like if he visited a children's hospital at the height of his popularity and spent time with a particular patient. Maybe his destiny was fulfilled once he made that visit...Or maybe his destiny was greater and it was simple Fate that brought him to that patient that particular day, but it fulfilled that patient's own destiny - to meet the one person that patient idolized...This subject can get deep, confusing, and controversial...and I think I've already confused myself (just kidding).

Let's now point this a little more towards your own scenario. You said that you met your husband via personals, and if you didn't make that choice to look through them, your life may be completely different. That's true, but let me play Devil's Advocate here for a sec...How did you come across to think of looking in the personals in the first place? Something made you look in there? Could that little moment of action be called Fate? Who knows? But you can't deny it as much as you can't affirm it. One little clich? do believe in is "everything happens for a reason"...So if you were meant to be with your husband, you probably would be with him now anyway...You said you wouldn't have met him if you didn't answer the ad. You never would have had the opportunity if he didn't place it in the first place...When you start breaking down everything, you never can cover all the angles, and that's where people leave it up to Fate. Is it right? Is it Wrong? Who knows...All we can do is our very best every day and see where that takes us. Not sure if this helps or not, but if it does, then it was Fate...Thanks for visiting and take care...Don't be a stranger!

Name: Renae
Question: my husband told me he likes girls ages 18-21 and they turn him on I told him that I should be the only one...well he works with a 21 yr. old and he said that she turns him on..I don't want him around her am I right or wrong? he says men are like that and I need to trust him but how do you trust when you know what turns your husband on and it seems to be "little" 18-21 yr. old girls? Please answer me...I don't know where else to turn to...thanks

Hi Renae,

You need to open your lines of communication with your husband and make sure he knows what you are feeling. Get on the same page with him so the both of you can soothe whatever ails the other, if you know what I mean. Show him why you are the one he fell in love with and it will be You who "turns him on" and not some young thing. He's asking a lot from you if he's going to throw this in your face and then ask you to trust him and forget about it. You can either make him feel the same way by commenting on the good looks of younger men, or you can try to make him see your way of thinking when he says such things (Sounds to me that's going to be difficult). I was afraid you were going to mention that a younger age group (than 18-21) effects him this way and I was going to have to steer you towards some kind of psychological treatment for him. From what you say, he's simply a bit callous of your feelings and not very smooth or thoughtful about his feelings and how he emotes them. Getting his eyes on you and making sure you two are connecting might very well turn him around...Hope this helps, and best of luck to you!

Name: R.J
City: Pensacola
Question: I have been dating my girlfriend for exactly one year but earlier this semester I met a wonderful women who I want to be part of now how can I break up smoothly with my girlfriend and get the attention of my new best friend Diane I am desperate and don't know if I should even break up with my girlfriend but I do not have any fun with her anymore all we do is argue and fight and its like our interests have changed about every thing please help!

Hi R.J.,

First off, be extremely honest to yourself when you answer these next questions: If Diane was not in the picture, would you think your relationship with your girlfriend was sub par? Would you be looking to end it? How does Diane feel about you? Before you go looking to get into one relationship, you have to finish the current one. Doing it with another person in mind is kind of weak and easy. If you have true problems with your relationship with your current girlfriend (Let's call her "A"), then you have to give her the respect to finish it with your true focus on your relationship with her, not any one else. If you're going to break off from A, then you want to make sure you're not feeling forlorn later if you end up alone. The last thing you want to do is leave A in hopes that Diane wants a similar relationship with you, only to ruin a good thing with A and to fall on your face where Diane is concerned. Then you'll be alone, embarrassed, and miserable, and quite rightly so.

Do the simple (and honorable) thing - get the romantic thoughts of Diane out of your mind. Focus on A. If things are not right for you and A, then break it off and move on...If Diane is available and willing to be with you more than just friends, then excellent. If not, at least you are alone on your own accord and not because you acted on impulse. It's always better to be alone by your own choice rather than by someone else's...Hope this helps. Take care, and spread the word about the website!

Q & A: "Is there anything I can do to rehabilitate my relationship?"

2008-04-17T14:34:00.000-07:00

Name: Tara
Question: my ex-boyfriend from 3 yrs ago is a total jerk. I was told not to get involved with him and I just ignored it. Well, the other day he ran into my ex from last yr. who I crushed pretty badly. They had an interesting conversation and according to the ex from 3 yrs ago, my ex from last yr had to leave his date with his girlfriend, one of my best friends. I tried for nearly 30 minutes to find out what was said and I got nowhere. I emailed Joe because were still friends to find out what was said a few minutes ago. Is there anything I can do to rehabilitate my relationship with Joel?

Hi Tara,

I'm a little confused...You first said Joel is a Jerk. Then you said that he spoke to another ex that you crushed, and he left the conversation disturbed. And then you ask if there's any way to get back together with a guy whom you (and according to yourself, your friends) think is a total waste of time. Forget both these guys and move on with your life...You have much better things to concentrate on other than past relationships...move forward, not backward...Hope this helps, and please spread the word about the site...

Name: James
Question: Yes, need your advice. A new girl just came to my school and I like her a lot. I told her that I liked her. She said that she doesn't go out with guys. Which I figured out was a lie because She likes someone in our school and they like her. They are not going out or anything. If they do I don't think it is going to work out anyway. Does this mean that the girl is not interested in me or what?

Hi James,

Well, look at it this way - You think she may have lied to you already, and you two don't even have a relationship. Do you think that will get better if you two actually established one? Probably not....Yes, she's basically giving you the cold shoulder. That's her decision, and that's good for you. Now you can focus your attention on yourself until the right person comes along for you. If this girl comes around someday, then you can deal with that then. At least you are bettering yourself and doing things that are conducive for your future instead of waiting to see if some other relationship you're not involved in works or fails. Move on and good luck to you!

Name: Shannon
City: Antioch
Question: About a week or two ago my friend (Tiffany) approached me saying that my other friend (Rachel) was going to tell me something but not to believe her. the next day I approached my other friend and she told me Tiffany was trying to hook up my man with Tiffany's sister. It created a whole bunch of drama! My man denied it and a week later I caught him at the sisters house (keep in mind, although they are adults they still live together with their parents) I asked Tiffany about it and at first she lied. I pretended I knew nothing and later asked her why she told me a lie, she said she just wanted to stay out of it. She felt like she was stuck in the middle. She seemed like she felt bad and had me talk to her sister about it and I was told it was finished.(understandable, I guess) Anyways come to find out my man just kissed her sister, and although he lied at first he later apologized and told me everything. The next day I still felt bothered by it but he kept telling me how bad he felt how he couldn't believe he risked losing me. I did not have a bad gut feeling about his word like I did before. He honestly seemed so, so sincere. He just kept telling me he was sorry. Well I forgave him. Two days later Tiffany brought up an old rumor about me saying that I performed oral sex on one of my close guy friends. This rumor started four years ago when I first began high school. Tiffany once approached me about it and I know I wouldn't have told her it was true because it isn't even close to it. My man and Tiffany were all on the phone trying to work it out and at first I called her a liar and then she reminded me of when we spoke about it I then said well maybe I did say something like that but, not seriously. This rumor just used to be a joke to me because I knew the truth. There was nothing to stress off of then. The next morning I remembered when I told her that happened I was speaking on someone totally different. She told me she remembered me speaking on that situation but couldn't remember if it was during the same conversation. She then proceeded to say that maybe this was all a mix-up, a misunderstanding. We also called the guy this was supposedly happened with on three-way, without him knowing, because it was said he was saying it was true as well. She heard him say that he didn't care, and when people approached him of it he wouldn't say anything, only leading people to believe that it was true. I made him aware of this and he said plain and simple so what. I told him I am hurting because of a lie and he said so what it doesn't effect me. Tiffany heard all of this. I did this because I wanted her to know that I wasn't just trying to find any excuse to make it seem it didn't happen. She told me how messed up that was on his part and led me to believe she would make everything ok with my man that she would let him know it was all a mistake, when really she never said anything of it. So now my man left me and thinks that I was lying this whole time. I want my man back. I need help someway to prove it to him. Please, I am begging you, please help me find a way to prove it to him, because in spite of what he did he always took care of me. And I can't help but think I am losing someone over a lie. Please, please help me with this situation. I don't mean to sound desperate, but now I really do have a reason to prove that this rumor is not true. (and he won't except speaking to the other guy I already tried that he thinks the guy will just keep everything tight just for his sake) Please help me I am so, so hurt, and I need some understanding.

Hi Shannon,

Very involved situation you have there. First off, Get rid of your "friend" Tiffany. She first lies to your face, connives and tries to get you against another friend (Rachel) who was trying to tell you the truth, and then acts as a pimp/madam in trying to set up your current boyfriend with her sister? Then she brings up an old story (as a friend she should never have second-guessed your word - if you say it didn't happen then it didn't happen), makes you Disprove a rumor that SHE restarted, and then when you proved it, she didn't even help you out. This girl is nothing but trouble, and is extremely far from being anything that even closely resembles a Friend. If you were caught for Jaywalking and she was your lawyer, you'd end up getting a life sentence. She goes out of her way to make your life difficult...Drop her and let her be thankful you weren't the same kind of "friend" to her...

Now your "man"...You want him back? Another person to get rid of...He gets caught, so he seems sincere. Then he jumps all over an old Rumor that your friend so conveniently brought up, and calls you a liar (as they say, the best defense is a good offense)? When he was the one you caught red-handed? And he's an "Adult" but still lives at home with Mommy and Daddy? Move on from this loser...He knows he did you wrong, and is looking for any excuse to make himself seem better than the loser he is. You have nothing to prove to either of these people, and they should be begging to be a part of your life. Time for you to clean out your relationship house...I'd say it was condemned. Get some people in your life that are positive to your dreams and well being. Concentrate on yourself and better yourself to get out of ridiculous situations like this...they are a huge waste of time and a drain on your mental and physical resources. Hope this helps, and best of luck to you.

Name: TONI$
Question: HI, I have a question. I'm 19 and I graduated @16 from night school. I had a drug problem at the time that put me on the outside. I've since cleaned up my act, but left with some scars. I attempted comm. college but I just ended up dropping out wrong and owing them a whole lot of money$! I want to improve my life but I don't know how to get into any school with no money and a crappy wrap sheet. My life seems to have no direction and my family believes I should already have a clue. I don't. I'm always sad and I don't have anyone to talk to. I really hope you can inspire me toward greatness. well thanx for your time. - T.D. 19

Hi Toni,

Thanks for writing...There's plenty of places you can go to find out if you can get into another college. Try to get your Associates degree at a two-year college, and then move on from there. As for your family, they might be indignant and say you should know better, but let them know that you love them and look to them for guidance...Ask for their helps and TALK with them. It sounds like you've been a little independent in the past (perhaps at too young an age), and that's fine...But you should let them know that even though you've done things on your own, you now realize that keeping family ties is important to you as well. Once you have a secure and stable family unit once again, you won't feel so alone and will have loving guidance at your beck and call...That's a lot better than being alone...

You mentioned that you want me to inspire you towards greatness...If you already feel you have the destiny of greatness inside yourself, then you know what you are capable of doing. I don't have to tell you to go for it and to work on bettering yourself to reach your fullest potential...you already know all that. All that needs to be done now is for you to decide that you DO want to achieve that greatness and that you're willing to put the focus and energy necessary to bring you to that level. Once you put your mind to that, there's nothing that will stop you. I hope you make that decision soon...Hope this helps, and please don't be a stranger! Take care...

Q & A: "I want to tell him how I feel about him"

2008-04-17T14:33:00.001-07:00

Name: Esther
Question: I am a 21 year old female that is having an affair with my best friends father in law who is married and 50 years old. I have fallen in love with him and he is a wonderful lover. He has cheated on his wife many times and I am the youngest he's done anything with. What can I do and why would he pick me?

Hi Esther,

First off - I hope your best friend doesn't know about this...If she did, I'm sure this would damage your relationship with her, as well as every member of their family and yours. Talk about playing with fire! Get over the "love" with him thing...You're not in love with him...You realize that there is absolutely no future in it. Why would he pick you? Because of his own ego. I'm not saying that you have nothing to offer, but the main reasons that a 50 year old man goes for a 21 year old woman is mostly his own vanity, looking to vainly recapture his own lost youth, and control in the relationship. Drop this complete Loser. Have some self pride in yourself...Wouldn't it be nice to face the mirror? Wouldn't it be nice to look at your best friend in the eye and not have pangs of guilt? Wouldn't it be nice to do the same with her mother? Think about HER situation...and how horribly this jerk is treating their marriage and how he is treating her and your best friend with COMPLETE disrespect. Think if this was your father with your best friend...how would you feel about that? Imagine your future with him...For you to be together, it would mean his divorcing your best friend's mother and ruining that household, and completely destroying your relationship with your best friend. If your family and her family are close, you and this jerk would be on the outside looking in. Then, if he has a history of this, he'll turn right around and cheat on you...So you were a part of ruining two households for.....? Nothing.

Here's what you can do to salvage whatever self-esteem you can from this (It very well might be too late to save your friendship with your best friend, but then you have no one to blame on that but yourself). First off, take some pride in YOURSELF...You certainly want to have a future with someone you can Grow
with. You want to have a partner who is responsible, and most of all, Trustworthy. This jerk has proven times over he's not. You would like to be known as trustworthy yourself, but this is seriously hurting your chances for that to happen. Time to stop it and do what's right.

Think about your future for once and DUMP HIM. If he tries to get you back, tell him that you'll blow his cover and to leave you alone. Believe me, in time he'll get over his losing his little playmate and will soon look for another. Trust me - he doesn't love you...He's USING you. Also, you're going to have to face the fact that you've already lost your best friend. If you have any semblance of care for her as a friend, you should tell her what's going on. Be strong and be truthful. This is going to be painful, but necessary as you have to get this scenario completely out of your life. Your friend needs to know this because there's nothing worse than living a lie and believing in it...and you're perpetuating this lie. Then go to counseling...you're going to need it. If your friend doesn't completely hate your guts by then, maybe she'll go with you. There's going to be a lot of counseling going on as every person in this scenario either needs it or is going to need it. If you want a second opinion, Drop the Sicko-Jerk (Dating his daughter-in-law's best friend? Soap Operas don't get much crasser or lower than that - This guy is a true piece of work. What a complete LOSER), break off your friendship without explanation, and then go to counseling by yourself. At least you'll get validation that you shouldn't be in this mess and it's best to leave it behind. Seeing counseling on your own will be a nice buffer for you until the truth comes out. And it should, because believe it or not, this guy is a predator...He will continue to push the limit and take advantage of his family until they put a stop to it...And I hope for their own sake and pride, they do.

I'm glad you wrote as it shows you do have some feeling of morals here. That's a start. Now finish it. Good luck.

Name: Kelly ~Little Blue~
City: Superior
Question: This guy, Ray, Lived next door to me for 5 years. When we first met each other, we teased each other, but I secretly thought he was a babe. Then like a year later, I started to like him even more, and we became like brother and sister. Then 3 years later, I fell in love with him. 2 years ago, we made love, but he was drunk, I know that's not really an excuse, but he's denying it to everyone. Then a few months later, we were talking, and he said, he's only with any girl one time, to see if their "the one", like he did with me. Then last year he moved 20 miles away from me, and we barely got to see each other. I stayed at his house a week ago, and we were kissing, and we both wanted to do more, but we both said no. His words are stuck in my head, "I'll never be with a girl more then once unless I feel something for them, To see if their "the one". I don't know if that means that he feels something for me or what. But I want to tell him how I feel about him, when no one else is there, but I'm shy, so how would I go about saying I love him with my heart and soul. He is My everything, No one in this small town, that I know of, has loved someone as much as I love him!!! Please help me!!!!!!!

Hi Kelly,

Looks like this Ray is not the best thing for your future. Let me get this straight...He has one-night-stands with girls, and then (and only then) he will pursue more with them if he feels that she is the "one"? Give me a break...How self-serving is that? And the worst part is that he's already told you that he's slept with you (Out of what? Friendship? Pity? Boredom?) and that he knows you're not the "one". This guy is a head trip...How utterly convenient for him.

Can't you see that his being with you meant no more than his time with any other girl? And that was WITH a long history of "friendship". Forget about him...Don't chase him. Be with someone that you actually care about (and who actually cares about you - I've heard somewhere that relationships are Two-way Streets) and take your future seriously. He's already basically said that your friendship means very little in the grand scheme of things. Time to move on to a different focus...Yourself. Hope this helps, and best of luck to you. Take care...

Q & A: "I really like him a lot, but my Mom don't like him"

2008-04-17T14:31:00.001-07:00

Name: Kayla
City: MD
Question: I'm going out with this boy. I went out with him before once in the 6 and 7 grade. Now I am in the 8th grade. He broke up with me the last 2 times. This time he says he really likes me a lot. Should I believe him or not?
I Have another question. I really like him a lot, but my Mom don't like him. I think she don't like him because he broke up with me and also someone told her he was spreading rumors at school about me and he told me that he didn't spread them. So my 2 questions are does he really like me and how can I get my Mom to like him again?
Thanks,
Kayla

Dear Kayla,

Hi there...Thanks for writing! Your Mom is certainly looking out for you on this one. She knows that he's hurt you twice before, and that he's spread rumors about you in school...Even if he did not spread them, it will be a while for your Mom to like or trust him again, and for good reason. The only way for him to get back into her good graces is for him to prove to her over time that he has your best interests at heart.

That being said, you guys are in 8th grade...It might help you to concentrate more on what's going to happen next year in high school rather than if this boy likes you a lot. You're going to be going through a lot of changes in the next 5 -10 years, so I wouldn't fret too much about what this boy likes you or not right now. If he does, then he has good taste...If not, then it's his loss. Either way Kayla, you've got your whole life ahead of you...I know it's hard to see this now, but by this time next year, this boy will most likely be long gone from your thoughts. Work hard on your own personal dreams and goals, and everything else will fall into place, including boys...I hope this helps, and take care of yourself. Good luck in school!

Name: Claudia
Question: In every relationship I've had I have felt that the other person has been embarrassed of me. I believe this because they don't let me meet friends/parents. They are often distant and generally like to exclude me. I am intelligent not unattractive, I have social skills and a strong career so why do men make me feel like a loser?

Hi Claudia,

Thanks for writing...That's a pretty broad-based question you have there at the end, so let's address it this way - Seems to me you're dating the wrong type of men. If you are with guys that you think are embarrassed of you in some way/fashion, then obviously they are not in the relationship wholeheartedly. You might like a certain type of man, but in actuality, this particular type clashes with what you want in a relationship. So change your focus...Also, don't forget one other thing - You can only have men "make you feel like a loser" by Allowing them to do so. Be strong within yourself and go for what you want and need. If anyone tries to put you down or make you feel less about yourself, they are not worth your time or energy. You have better things to do and more conducive people to be with...Hope this helps, and thanks for visiting! Don't be a stranger...

Name: Missie
City: Orlando
Question: Hi, I'm a high school senior, and out of a possible 24 credits I have 22. I live by myself and have to work a lot to pay bills and Because of this fact I've missed a lot of school, and therefor fell very far behind. Now there's more, I've been considering dropping out to work during the day, then just receiving the credit's I need online or taking up night school. The college I want to go to doesn't require a "High School Diploma" Just the Equivalent of one. I'm 18yrs old, I was held back in 7th grade, I've been forced to mature faster than I should (because of personal circumstances) and I am really "over" the high school thing, especially because I'm and adult now. I just need some advice. I could use the extra money that I save from working and move to New York on a scholarship to the American Musical and Dramatic Academy after, of course, I receive a diploma or a g.e.d. Or I could save the money and invest it in mutual funds. I'm just really between decisions right now. Please don't judge me, all I need right now is some real, and friendly advice. Thank You, sincerely Missie

Hi Missie,

Well, it certainly seems that your desire in life is Dancing/Stage, so why not go for it? If you have a scholarship lined up in New York, then by all means make it happen. Get your diploma/GED, and then move to NY and pursue your dreams. If you have the talent/wherewithall to land a scholarship, don't let it lie to waste...Get focused on it, and do it. Go after your dream - If you are successful, then you will be living your dream, and that's something that unfortunately doesn't happen for a lot of us. If you go for it and things don't work out, then you can move on to other goals, but at least you went for it. The last thing you want to do is mentally torture yourself with all the "what if's" if you don't pursue it. By simply chasing after your dream will provide closure, and that's important. And if you can get a scholarship, then it seems your chances of success are better than not, so why not try? I wish you all the luck in the world, and don't be a stranger...

Q & A: "Should I tell my mother, should I confront him, or should I say nothing?"

2008-04-17T14:29:00.000-07:00

Name: Kristin
Question: I used to work with this guy, Joel, and since I no longer work with him, I decided to have my older sister go see him at his workplace and get his e-mail address for me. However, it's been like 2 weeks and he still hasn't responded. I've made other attempts like call the store to talk to him and he was busy working-he works overnights only 2 days a week, so anyway, this past Saturday, my sister went to make another attempt for me and he told her that it would be easier for me to come in and personally see him, instead of calling him, so my question is, why couldn't he just want me to call him, why do I have to go chase him after I've made several attempts for him to get a hold of me? Does he like me or what? Also, he goes to school 5 days a week and wants to become a fashion designer, so I know he's really busy between school and work. But how can I tell if this guy's playing a game with me or if he's too shy and wants me to go after him? Please help me!

Hi Kristen,

Ummm...take a look at what you wrote - You're already chasing him! Actually, your sister has more interaction with this guy, so it might make more sense for her to date him...Okay - All kidding aside - In one point, he's right that you should actually go see him for a couple of reasons. First, it simply might be easier since it does sound like his schedule is tight. Second, it goes back to your sister doing all the talking...When are YOU going to have some interaction with this guy instead of your sister? She has all kinds of time to go visit him on your behalf, but you don't have any time to see him yourself? Now for the other "flip side" point....What are you doing? You can't force a guy to like you...He might be very busy, but he also might not be all that keenly interested, to tell you the truth. If you keep pushing him, you'll blow your chances altogether. Quit trying to push things...Have a more self-respect as well. On one hand you want a very specific reaction from him in the exact way/mannerism you want...If that happens the way you plan it, great! But normally life isn't that predictable...Then on the other hand, you get mad because he isn't wanting you to call him...He'd rather have you come see him - Isn't that ultimately what you want? To spend actual time with him instead of over the phone? It sounds like you're making too much of all this. Quit guessing and go get some answers to make everyone happy. Do all three of you (your sister included) a favor - Go see him. Right then and there you'll get some kind of closure - That he's interested in spending more time with you (Yea!), or that he not interested in spending more time with you and you can be free to move on from this (His loss)...Hope this helps, and best of luck to you...

Name: Mike
Question: I'm 21 year old guy and still live at home. Recently my parents marriage has been strained [to say the least]. My dad has been acting distant lately, and I've done something I probably shouldn't have. I checked his e-mail yesterday and my worst fears were confirmed. He is having an affair with some other woman. There were several explicit e-mails from this woman in his inbox and it is clear they have been seeing each other for quite some time. Now I don't know what to do. Should I tell my mother, should I confront him, or should I say nothing? I'm leaving home in a couple of months, but I really don't think that just letting it lie is a valid choice.

Hi Mike,

You are definitely between a rock and a hard place here. Obviously your parents need to work things out...Your Dad needs to drop the affair, and the two of them need to go to counseling. If you want to avoid confrontation with your Dad, then talk your Mom into pushing for the counseling. There's a good chance that the affair will come out then. If he balks at the idea to her, then you can pull him aside and let him know you know about his affair. You can say that you mistakenly came across his email and if he gets mad, it's really his own fault as he should have been more careful if he really wanted to keep his infidelity a secret. Now you were wrong in fishing around someone's private information, but the situation you found weighs a lot more that your breaking his trust...he's been breaking your family's trust for some time. With that card in your hand, you can get him into counseling...He has to see that his actions affect more people than just himself...

I'm thinking it would be better for everyone if your Mom found out from him. If she found out from you, it would underscore her own perceived stability as a Mother, and also will make her feel lessened that she's the "last to know." Finding out will be bad enough, so it would be better if she still had some dignity left when this comes out. You all have a lot to sort out, and your Mom and Dad have some serious holes to patch up...Do what you can to get them into counseling before you leave home...That time alone will be good for them to sort things out, and good for you to focus on your future as well. I hope this helps, and best of luck to you...

Name: Jenny
City: Austin
Question: I have a problem, I can't tell if a guy like me like that or just a friend and I don't know how to flirt without embarrassing myself will you help me with this problem? Thanks!

Hi Jenny,

Thanks for writing...When all else fails, just be yourself. You don't have to flirt with someone if you like them...Just talk to them at first to ease your own fears. Then, if the conversation is going well and you're feeling more comfortable, set up a time when the two of you can spend some time together...The more he gets to know you and you get to know him, the more comfortable and open you'll become, and you'll be great friends at least - and maybe more than just friends if everything works out...At least this way, it's not all or nothing and you're not embarrassing yourself - All you are doing is fostering a good friendship, and if something more happens, then it's icing on the cake...Hope this helps, and take care.

Name: Rachel
City: Auburn
Question: I am a 19 yr. old female and lost. I have dated all sorts of guys but no matter what every relationship I get into is a continuous cycle. First, I feel soooo in love - like there could never be another. That feeling can last from a week to a couple months (the longest one was 7 months) then out of nowhere this bad energy takes over and all I can think about is getting out - and this can just happen over night, I don't ever see it coming. How could I be so lost then all-of-a-sudden fall into reality and walk out of the what I thought was the best relationship I'd ever been in? Weird part is that this happens with every single I've ever dated, not one of them similar... I guess realizing this for the first time makes me think maybe I won't ever be satisfied with anyone - scary thing is what if I don't realize he's not the one till it's too late? I am just looking for an opinion from a mind that's not haunted by this. Thanks.

Hi Rachel,

Don't be hard on yourself....it sounds like you haven't been in Love as of yet. You've been deep in infatuation and lust, but not that feeling of love...Love can be as poignant as infatuation, but it also gives you a lasting sense of peace and comfort that infatuaion doesn't - and that's something that you haven't experienced yet. These overnight changes in moods might very well be reality checks that you're giving yourself...You realize you're having fun, but you don't want to end up with that particular person for the rest of your life...Don't give up hope! The One Perfect Guy for you can be met tomorrow, next week, or the next time you walk around a corner. Just be happy within yourself, concentrate on your own future and well being, and things will come...One day you'll know what true Love is all about and you won't have it interrupted by negative thoughts as it is so right...Hope this helps, and best of luck to you...Please spread the word about the site and don't be a stranger!

Q & A: "the problem is that he is really shy!"

2008-04-17T14:16:00.000-07:00

Name: Jade
City: Minneapolis
Question: Am I a fool for forgiving my fiance who kissed another girl, almost had sex with her (if they hadn't been interrupted), and now feels totally guilty about it, so much that he's been losing sleep, and going to church with my parents? If I'm not a fool then what can I do to heal, and learn to forgive him.

Hi Jade,

Thanks for writing...This is a toughie. Normally I would say for you to leave this guy groveling as he's the one who acted stupidly. Not much of a future if you're busting in on him with other women...So this bit about going to church is either a wake-up call for him, or an extreme measure of conniving on his part to try and keep you.

Do your parents know that he did this? I'm thinking not if they allow him to spend time with them. Or, they do know and think he's a project. If that's the case, get rid of him as your parents, even though they have the best intentions in the world, are being too involved in your relationship. Your love for them may cloud your own judgment and will be trying to please them through your relationship instead of being in a relationship that benefits you. I'm uncomfortable with his trying to sweeten up with your parents to soften you up...He should be proving himself to you, not them. If he's so sincere about his wrongdoing, then let him prove it to you and no one else. Have him go to church with You. It kinda seems like he's trying to backdoor his way into your good graces by schmoozing with Mom and Dad...You be the judge.

As for your own forgiveness, only you know the answer to that one. If you forgive, you obviously won't ever forget...but you have to allow him to think you have (and yourself as much as possible). What I mean by that is you cannot bring the past up as leverage all the time. It doesn't allow you to get past it, and it's unfair to him if he's really trying his best. If you constantly use it against him, the wound is always fresh for you, and the uphill battle for him never stops from being very steep. If you are going to forgive, make sure you're prepared to let the matter drop completely. Hope this helps, and best of luck to you...thanks for visiting the site!

Name: Val
Question: I'm going out with this really great sweet guy. But the problem is that he is really shy! I mean he won't even hold my hand much less ever kiss me. (We actually hug though!!! WOW!) What should I do? How should I make the first move?

Hi Val,

Thanks for writing...Let him know that you like him as well and that you want to hold hands with him. If he's really shy, you don't want to seem too pushy, but you also have to let him know what he means to you and that you are comfortable with this kind of more intimate contact. Maybe he's shy, or just a clueless gentleman...Make sure you communicate with him either way. Things will progress naturally so no need to push it too much...Hope this helps, and don't be a stranger...Good Luck.

Name: David
Question: there is this really fine girl in my class I do not now if she likes me or not she calls me emails a lot but I don't want to be shut down what should I do?

Hi David,

Try spending a little one on one time with her. Study together...Go get a bite to eat, take in a movie. Spend some quality time together and try not to focus so much on whether or not she's madly in love with you. Just be yourself and enjoy the time you spend with her. If things are meant to be, they'll progress. If not, then at least you have a great friend you care for. Hope this helps, and best of luck to you...

Q & A: "Our sex life after the birth of our 1st baby has been nonexistent"

2008-04-17T14:13:00.001-07:00

Name: Teresa
Question: Hi, I am a female, 20 years of age. A lot has taken place over the past few months, and though I feel that I can best answers these questions for myself, from myself, I feel an outside opinion valuable. I was dating this guy for over a year and we broke up. So I began to move on, met this new guy, who although is wonderful, has some setbacks. We never started a relationship because I felt I wasn't ready, or wasn't completely over my ex-boyfriend. Recently I talked to my x, it was completely unexpected because we haven't spoken or seen each other in months. Sadly, I say we did see each other and had sex. This made me feel very sad and disappointed in myself. I did talk to the new guy and told him and he was completely crushed. I do understand that I hurt him. I discussed with the new guy that I think it would be best that I have sometime to myself to reevaluate my feelings. I didn't feel a longing for my x, but I did in fact miss him. I have talked to my x and told him that it was in our best interest if we didn't reopen a relationship and that in time I would like to be his friend. In conflict, my x and I didn't use protection and there is a possibility I may be pregnant (not a smart move). I have also discussed this with my new guy. That hurt him even more. I do not feel I am ready to be a mother, I am starting school this fall and it would totally interrupt with my future plans. I have had a procedure done before and I am still feeling the emotional effects from it. The new guy, however has vowed to say by me through this all which shows me he has great loyalty to me even though I hurt him. I was just thinking of this, maybe thinking too much, for I have lost sleep, or slept too much. I have missed a day from work and am still feeling really distraught. Thank you for listening to my problems and taking the time to respond. As I said I feel an outside opinion is valuable.

Hi Teresa,

You certainly have a lot on your mental plate there. You didn't really ask a pointed question, so I'll answer everything in general. First off, let's deal with the immediate - Your worries about being pregnant. Abortions do take an emotional toll that sometimes is unexpected. We're all human in that aspect. However, until you know for sure, don't waste your mental energy worrying about it. If you are in fact pregnant, then you'll have that knowledge behind you once confirmed and can really take a hard look at your options. If you aren't then you dodged a bullet so to speak, as you don't seem ready to take on that kind of responsibility right now. Let's hold off on the sleepless nights until you actually know.

Secondly, you have this new person in your life that is promising to be by your side even though you haven't solidified a relationship with you. Extremely honorable and nice of him, and that does show a lot of character. However, I think since you guys sound relatively young, I fear this may be misguided. He might be allured more by playing the part of a Hero to a Damsel in Distress and doesn't realize the enormous emotional/financial/spiritual/mental demands that little bundle of joy brings - and that's if the baby's planned for! I fear that he may be very honest in his want to stay by your side, but the door is so very wide open for him to leave - He really hasn't established a relationship with you, the child is not his, you've already betrayed his trust (even though the two of you weren't officially an item). I'm not saying he can't be there for you, but I just don't want you to get complacent and rely on someone who might not be there the next day, and who could really blame him...At some point his self-respect (pride) will put him to the test.

Your liaisons with your ex and problems with this new boy stems from the fact that you haven't learned to stand on your own feet yet. You are smart and sure of yourself, but I'm thinking it's hard for you to be alone. You crave relationships (which inherently is nothing wrong - we all wish to be in Love), but I think you need to discover more about yourself first. You're too dependent on having someone in your life. If you are with child and decide to keep it, then I think you'll go through a period where you'll be forced to live on your own (with the child of course) as your ex will bail and this new guy will eventually find someone else. I could be completely wrong, but for some reason I'm picturing this (I've seen similar situations before)...I know you wrote that you weren't ready for a relationship, but you still have this new guy (or your ex) around in the picture. That's what I'm talking about. The new guy is hanging around and spending time with you, even though you are trying to convince yourself you're keeping him at arm's length (actually you're not). I'm hoping you'll have the freedom to be sure of yourself, be comfortable within yourself, and have the ability to Want and Choose to be involved with someone, instead of Having to be involved with someone...Big Difference. Wouldn't it be nice, though? Anyway, hope this helps..Thanks for visiting the site and please spread the word about it. Best of luck to you!

Name: Lorainne
City: Orlando
Question: Everyone keeps on telling me that they want me to die. And it's driving me crazy. Plus, I'm sick of me. What should I do?

Hi Lorainne,

You certainly don't need such negative vibes...People who are mean to you and have no interest in you or your future are not worth your time. Stick with those whom you know love and care for you - Your family. Also, never feel that you are sick of you...You are an ever growing, improving, aspiring person who has much to contribute this world. Sometimes we all get in a rut, but that's all it is - A little bump that we'll roll right through on this road of life. Keep your chin up and know you are a beautiful person inside and out...If anyone says anything different, then they obviously are blind. If you ever have doubts, call up your parents or brother/sister...they'll make sure you know you are loved and special...And if you ever feel that you need further assistance, counseling is always an alternative. No matter what, never give up hope - There's tons of support out there for you. Hope this helps, and please don't be a stranger...take care.

Name: Roy
City: Ireland
Question: Our sex life after the birth of our 1st baby has been nonexistent after 14 months. Is this common, how do we go about recovering our sexlife? Our marriage is wonderful, we do get along great otherwise, we both lead very busy lives, etc., I have a business that takes up a lot of my time, and my wife also works full time. But, sadly, the spark for sex has not happened for us. What do we do? I'd love to hear your opinion?
Thank you.

Hi Roy,

Greetings to Ireland!!! First off, congrats on the birth of your first child....What a wondrous experience! With the new addition in the house, the newly skewed sleep schedules, the newly learned responsibilities, and the new addition of mental stress about being new parents, thrown on top of the everyday stresses of life, job, marriage, work, and home ownership, a lot of times intimacy takes a back seat and is sadly left in the corner...Where did all the good times go? Where did the free time to be spontaneous and romantic fly off to? You are not experiencing a new phenomenon...this happens to a lot of couples.

It takes a little time to get back into the driver's seat of your life once you have a child. Now that your child is some 14 months old, hopefully you know a good sitter (nearby family is always the best, and cheapest) that you can leave the baby with for a good part of the evening, and spend some quality time with your wife. Talk to each other...Find out what's going on in each other's lives (aside from the child)...Hold hands, go for a walk, go out to dinner, go to a book/music store together, take in a film, look into each other's eyes...Go on a DATE. This little foray into each other's lives is often all it takes to rekindle that spark...

Right now you sacrifice so much of yourselves for the sake of the child that you sometimes forget your own needs. There's nothing wrong with taking an evening to find yourselves. Remember, that child, even though it is a fantastic addition to your family, is the one who is joining an already strong union. Keep that union going and make sure to keep your relationship with your wife on the front burner. All too soon that child will be out of the house and making a life for its own, and you and
your wife will be left behind to your own devices...If your relationship still has the attention it needs, you'll be fine whether the children are around or not...Hope this helps, and please spread the word about the site. Don't be a stranger...

Q & A: "I'm finding myself falling in love with a guy on my job"

2008-04-17T14:12:00.001-07:00

Name: LaChandra
Question: Well, I love my husband, and he is the best thing ever happened to me. Now that we have separate jobs now I have seen some very sexy guys, and I have never been the type to cheat. But now I'm finding myself falling in love with a guy on my job and because of that I feel so guilty because my husband loves me with his life even though he's a flirt. Can you help me with some helpful advice.

Hi LaChandra,

Thanks for writing...From what I can tell, you're not falling in Love, but in Lust. Big difference there, and both have detrimental qualities that can lead to the demise of your marriage. You say you Love your husband...If you truly Love him, then you wouldn't really be having this issue. Love is about trust, sharing, honesty, and devotion. All four of those attributes are in jeopardy since you are following your Heat instead of your Heart. Snap out of it and think long-term. Is this guy you're lusting after going to be there for you like your husband? Is he going to have children with you (And participate in their lives)? Share a home with you? Grow old with you? Take care of you in ways you can't take care of yourself? You throw the word Love around somewhat loosely, so imagine if the tables were turned...You mention he's a flirt, but you don't seem to fear his cheating on you, like you're contemplating doing on him. It's good that you realize these things and at least are looking for some advice. Consider this your Wake Up Call. Get real with your life and stop trivializing over things that will only take up useless time and pull you away from what's really important in your life, which is your marriage. Spend half the time and energy on your homelife that you're wasting on this new "love", and you'll never cast your eyes away from your husband again...You won't have to because you'll be happier than you ever imagined. You know the saying - "You don't know what you have until it's gone"...Keep it and appreciate it while you have it. Hope this helps, and best of luck to you.

Name: Lindsey
Question: I m having troubles with my friend. She doesn't like my boyfriend at all. I strongly value her opinion and I am considering breaking up with him because of this conflict. He accepts me for who I am and I love him for it. What should I do??

Dear Lindsey,

Hi there...Look at it this way - Are you going to marry your friend? Spend the rest of your life with her in an exclusive relationship? If not, then you can always value her opinion, but just remember that that's all it is...an opinion. If this guy really makes you happy and you feel comfortable with him and think that he might be "the One," then that's some pretty heavy things to consider. Don't forget that although friends are important, you have to live your life for Yourself. If you are truly very happy with this guy and you are not overlooking some obvious warning signs (i.e. - being blind) where he's concerned, then your friend should actually be happy for you...Could she be jealous of your relationship in general? Perhaps she is alone and does not want to lose your time and focus right now? Maybe she is with someone and is miserable and can't stand to see you happy? I'm sure she doesn't mean to be difficult or selfish, but there is the chance that her own problems could be clouding her opinion of your situation...Take what she says with a grain of salt. If she's a true friend, she'll stand by your decision as long as you are safe and happy...And if things don't work out, then she'll be there to help you up as well...Remember - You don't go out with someone just because of your friend, and you shouldn't break up with someone just because of your friend as well. Hope this helps, and best of luck to you...

Name: Alison
City: Hicksville NY
Question: This might seem a little awkward, but I've been having difficulties with luck. I'm sixteen years old, I have many friends, a family and all, but everynight I have to follow a daily routine in order to have a good next day, or so I think that my routine helps it too be good. I want to go to therapy for my problem, but I'm embarrassed. I don't want people thinking that I'm crazy because I'm not. But this is driving me crazy and I do need help because I lived with this for over a year. What should I do? Where should I go for help? Do you think in crazy?
Thanks

Hi Alison,

Thanks for writing...I'm a little confused as you really don't shed any light on what exactly this nightly routine is. Hopefully it's nothing painful/self-damaging...However, if you think that you need some kind of therapy or counseling for this, then by all means go and seek it. Just because you seek counseling doesn't make you crazy...it makes you responsible. If you realize a problem and you take steps to rectify it, then that's the most sane thing you can do. Go find some professional assistance and be proud of the fact that you are self-sufficient enough to do what's needed. Talk to your school counselor and let him/her in on the routine. Ask them for a local counseling representative if they think your situation might need more professional/medical guidance...I wish you the best of luck in this...Take care, and don't be a stranger...

Name: Jes
Question: I need some help, I have a friend on the fire dept. I'm on who wants to divorce his wife. We are partners at the fire dept. and I'm friends with him and his wife. She doesn't want the divorce and he does. She wants me to tell him things for her and make him go home to her when he doesn't want to. I'm caught in the middle of this and do not know what to do. If it came to picking sides I'd pick his side. I told her not to put me in the middle of it and she just doesn't get it what can I do I want to be there for both of them?

Hi Jes,

Sounds like you're being caught because you're a good friend. Kudos to you for caring enough to try and assist without getting in the way. This couple needs mediation of a professional kind. See if you can talk both of them into going to counseling together...I heard that in some states you have to do this before divorcing anyway. It might help things between them...If it doesn't, then at least they are working on it together instead of through you. The wife is latching on to you as you are her friend, and also she thinks you have some clearer communication with her husband. In a way, she's right, and in her desperation, she doesn't see that she needs to address things directly with her husband. I'm sure she feels thwarted when she approaches him directly, but in the end it's the only way. I'm not sure what the trouble is between them, but the counselor will be the best forum to air out things...Hope this helps, and best of luck to you. Thanks for visiting the site...

Q & A: "my spouse has no idea about this other relationship"

2008-04-17T14:09:00.000-07:00

Name: Jennifer
Question: I am a 30 year old single mom who has been dating a man for 1 1/2 years. He moved in with us last September. I thought this was the man of my dreams but as time goes on I am starting to think that he is not. I recently have been feeling attracted to someone I have known for 2 years. We have fooled around a little bit over the last month and this past Saturday ended up in bed together. This "other man" is not what I would call the "ideal" mate but I am very attracted to him and we have a lot of fun together. Now that I have crossed that line, I feel like I can't go back to my boyfriend. I have suggested to him that we should move apart for a while but he is totally against the idea. I know I love and care about him. My children are very attached to him also. I am so confused!! Can you help me?

Hi Jennifer,

That's quite the pickle you're in...First thing's first...Take care of your relationship with your boyfriend. He's Living with you and your children's emotions are involved. Do you feel that things have gotten a little stale and that's why you're seeking elsewhere? If so, make sure that you really look inside yourself to know that you have tried everything in the book to make this current relationship work. If you haven't, then try to make it more lively, etc. This man is inside your home and in your heart and the hearts of your children. They've already lost one father figure, and if he is truly good to them and he really treats you well, then that's definitely something to consider. If the romance is wearing off, then take steps to try and rekindle it. You owe it to yourself, your kids, and him to make it work if you truly love him. He's accepted the role of being a "dad" to your kids, and not every guy off the street will do that and actually put his heart into it. Really think this one over and give it a shot. It very well might turn out that you have everything you are searching for right there at home...Seriously cool it off with the other person until you figure this all out...If he cares for you and your family, he'll understand what you are trying to do...If he doesn't, then he has more selfish motives in mind and probably doesn't have your household's best interest at heart. Give the guy who is actually living with you and being a father to your children an honest shot...If you put as much attention to him as you did to the new guy, you might get the best of both worlds - A person you find yourself very much attracted to, and someone who will receive your love and return it in kind to you and your kids...Give it a shot! Hope this helps, and best of luck to you...

Name: PJ
City: Lexington
Question: I desperately need some advice!! I am 35 years old and have a spouse and two children 11 and 10!! I met this guy over this internet at a time in my life when my marriage was really rocky. This man traveled all the way for New Orleans to Lex, KY to see me. We have been in continual contact since. E-mail, telephone.......mail. He also calls me at work every time he gets a chance. I am not interested in this relationship anymore. My spouse and I have ironed out our problems and my spouse has no idea about this other relationship. How do I call it quits?? He e-mails me everyday, cuts in on my Instant Messenger as soon I log on......etc..... Please help me. I need to end this ASAP!! Thank you.

Hi PJ,

Great name! Anyway, sticky situation you are in for sure...If this guy in LA cares one iota about you, then tell him that you have to break things off in order to fix your life. If he truly cares for you, he'll understand...if not, then he's more selfish and needy than you realize (but it sounds like you already know he's needy)...Thank him for being there for you, blah, blah, blah. You really put the effort into creating this situation, so now you will have to work in correcting it and hopefully learn from the experience. Tell him that you really need some space and that your husband's getting suspicious. I never condone lying, but if this person just doesn't get it, then you have to do what you have to do. Get rid of the IMs as that's what got you in trouble in the first place. Have someone at work screen your calls if possible. If he cares for you, then he should stop and move on. He's got to realize he has no future in this and get on with his own life...If it escalates, then you might have to actually get your husband involved and come clean. That's not an easy fix by any stretch, but if this person turns out to be dangerous, then you will have to take larger steps to protect yourself and your family. You introduced a stranger into your life, and it can be fixed as easily as him just walking away to being as difficult as getting the law involved...I wish you the best of luck in this...

Name: Anastasia
City: Salt Lake City
Question: I'm about to graduate this month. But I don't know what to do after I graduate. Should I go to college, even if I don't feel ready, or should I just wait?

Hi Anastasia,

Congrats on your upcoming graduation! What a wonderful and hectic time in your life...If you feel that you are ready for college, then go...it is a wonderful and extremely fulfilling experience that I condone 100%. It will stimulate your own growth on many different levels and prepare you (somewhat) for the next steps in life. However, if you feel that you might not be ready, that's something that you have to consider. The best thing to do is to seek the advice of those who know your situation the best - Your family, friends, counselor, clergymen. If you need time, then work on what you enjoy and then slowly build yourself up to taking that step. Talk it out with your parents and with those whose opinions you hold dear. Through their love for you and your own ideas, I'm sure you'll come to the right conclusion. Although you always have time in the future to go to college, right now is a great time purely for convenience sake as you don't have any other responsibilities (Job, Mortgage, your own family) that demand your attention. I'm not saying you have to rush your decision, but if you envision a part of college life as living in a dorm on campus, then the near future is probably going to give you the greatest opportunity to go to college with that kind of freedom. Again however, you are under no pressure or rush job. College is always a viable option in the future, whatever stage of life you happen to be in. I hope this helped, and please don't be a stranger!

Name: Melissa
Question: Please help me, I have gained 36 pounds in less than 3 months. I have nothing to wear and I'm only 16. What should I do? I have no money, and when I diet everyone makes fun of me. Please help me I need advice and some fast!

Hi Melissa,

Thanks for writing...That's a pretty serious weight gain in a short amount of time.
Are you eating because you're depressed about being made fun of? If you are, you're kinda contributing to the overall problem and will not solve anything... That's a pretty vicious cycle your getting yourself into...If this is the case, then talk to
your school counselor. It won't cost you anything, and they have the resources to
try and assist you. If your diet and daily routine hasn't really changed, you should
go see your doctor. You might have some kind of overactive thyroid problem or medical condition. If you're overeating simply because you find comfort and solace in food, then you need to reassess things.

Be happy within yourself and really get to know who Melissa is and what makes you tick. Remember that you have a lot to offer this world and that you cannot live your life by the ideals of others...You have to live by your own dreams and aspirations. Make yourself happy and strive to be content within your own skin. Once you achieve that viewpoint, then you'll know that anything anyone else says is mere idle chatter...Hope this helps, and best of luck to you. Keep in touch...

Q & A: "At first I wanted to have an abortion"

2008-04-17T14:07:00.000-07:00

Name: Tina
Question: I met my fiance years ago. I had just turned 17. When I met him I was in a really bad relationship with a guy who was much older than me. I had been with him since I was 15. He was 6 years older than me. We lived together. We were still living together when I met my fiance. The only reason I had been living with this guy was because I didn't have anywhere else to go. No money and to young to get a job that would pay well enough to be on my own. At the time I thought I was in love but it turned out to be just a dependency. He gave me attention when I had none, even though it was negative attention most of the time. It seemed like the only thing I could do at the time. Then I met my fiance. Well, it started off as friendship, kind of. We were both really attracted to each other. At first it was just a lot of fun. We would hand out together just do things that you do when you're dating someone. Then we started having really strong emotions and after seeing each other and me cheating on this other guy for about four months I became pregnant. I didn't know what to do. At first I wanted to have an abortion. Because I didn't know whom the father was. But, I couldn't bring myself to do it. So I began lying. Lying to both men. I told so many lies that I can't even remember them. I was so afraid of my boyfriend at the time finding out about me cheating. I was afraid he would throw me out on the street or beat the hell out of me or both. I cared a lot for my now fianc?ut I didn't trust him enough to tell him all the mistakes I was making. I had him believing that the boyfriend and me had broken up and he was just letting me stay there. There are so many more lies besides that. If I wrote them all down this would be an endless letter. The truth was that I was 17 and pregnant and really stupid. I didn't want my fianc?o leave but I didn't know How to tell him everything that was going on. So now the old boyfriend is out of the picture. Haven't spoken to him in two years. The baby was my fianc? I thought that I would be so happy because we ended up together. But, now he looks at me as this person who lies and cheats and didn't even know who the father of her baby was. He stayed with me after the whole ordeal because he said he loved me and he really does want to be with me. He doesn't know how to deal with his anger and frustration at me. He doesn't know how to believe anything that comes out of my mouth. And I don't blame him. We really do love each other and want to stay together. When we fight I tell him how sorry I am for the things that have happened in the past. I tell him that I would take it all back if I could. I tell him I understand why he doesn't trust me. I tell him that I will stay with him and keep trying to work it out as long as he will let me. I try to explain that from the time your 17 to the time your 20 a lot of things change about you especially when you're a Mom now and pregnant with his second child. He thinks all the time that I am going to cheat on him. He still thinks that I am lying to him about the past and wants to talk about it all the time. I try to talk but it always ends up in a huge fight and he says so many horrible things to me and I feel terrible and so does he. So now I just avoid the subject and he thinks I am selfish and I probably am. I can't handle any more fighting and name-calling. I just need some advice on how to handle the situation.

Hi Tina,

Thanks for writing...Wow - You put it all right there. Go to marriage/relationship counseling.
You both have a lot to go over...You have to be able to let go of your guilt for the past, and he has to be able to let go as well. If you two keep going over the past, you'll never grow into the kind of couple you can be in the future...And now you have two children to think about...Yes, you lied a lot and you should have been more honest and open. Yes, he has sacrificed for you, but he can't make you pay for it every day. You both have to come to grips with the past, accept it, and move on...He has to learn to trust you, and the only way to do that is to look forward, not backward. Go to counseling and lay everything out...You owe it to each other, your marriage, and your two children. This situation can be saved, but there has to be a surrender from both of you...You surrendering your guilt and realizing that you can only say you're sorry so many times (and realizing the lasting effect lies can have and to avoid such situations in the future), and him surrendering his mistrust and his anger from the past. If he wants you by his side as his wife, then he has to respect you as such. Your children deserve to live in a home that is calm and loving...Not one that the parents are walking on eggshells and things can blow at any moment...It does no one any good. Go to a counselor and save what you have...I think you have a good chance in doing this. Good luck, and hope this helped...

Name: Amy
City: NYC
Question: My best friend's boyfriend is a jerk, he treats her awful, cheats on her and always tells her she's fat (although she's not), but she can't stand up to him or break up with him? I'm scared he's going to end up hurting her physically, what can I do to help her?

Hi Amy,

Thanks for writing...Really sit down with her and tell her everything you see. Get through to her that she is better than how she is being treated and that she deserves more...Anyone who abuses her, even just orally, is no more than a simple waste of time for her. Get other friends to come with you and really push your point home. She might be sticking by him because she feels she has some kind of emotional attachment to him....That if he is not in the picture, no one will "love" her. She has to see how magnificent she is and to realize what a true Queen she is. She need input and attention from others right now, as the lack of attention is how she probably wound up with the kid anyway - He probably just paid some kind of attention to her, bad, good or otherwise. Help her on her feet and to dust off this guy...Once she gets her self-confidence back, she'll never settle for this kind of guy again...If you need other help, have her write me...I'll be glad to assist. Or take her to her school counselor who knows her - An objective friendly face can do wonders...She needs reinforcement that she's better than what she believes at the moment. Hope this helps and please spread the word about the site...Don't be a stranger...

Name: Tracey
City: San Diego
Question: I'm not sure how to begin. This is my 1st time online, much less asking advice. I guess I really want to ask you if it's normal to be attracted to someone else if you are in a truly loving and committed relationship. My husband and I just celebrated our 4th wedding anniversary. I love him so much, sometimes it seems like I didn't have a life before him. My 1st marriage was abusive, both physically and emotionally. My husband now is as close to perfect as any man could be. He's thoughtful, considerate, tender, loving. The best friend I've ever had. He makes me laugh and holds me when I've had a bad day. BUT, I've have found myself attracted to a guy that comes into my office regularly. Now I find myself in a very confusing situation. This other man has flirted with me openly and has even gone so far as to call me at work to give me his phone number. He knows I'm married, but that doesn't stop him from flirting. I am attracted to him physically, but at the same time I love my husband with all my heart. Why is this happening to me? Is it normal to be attracted to someone else when you are happily married? PLEASE HELP

Hi Tracey,

Thanks for writing, and thanks for making my site one of your first stops into Internet realm. You've got a great question here, and I'm going to take my time in answering this one. As for your situation, you are certainly not alone. I've heard that the ol' "7 year itch" that was fabled to happen to marriages actually occurs around the 4th year. There's a lot of reasons why attraction like this can happen (more of your waking hours is spent away from your spouse than with him, the newness of your marriage has worn off, etc.), and it's always hard to pin down the exact cause. You seem very aware of how much your husband means to you, and that's really important. So let's take a look at a few things:

First off, right now is about the time in marriage where you really seem to notice (subconsciously or consciously) that your relationship with your husband might be more routine than exciting or new. You two are settling down into your prospective grooves - You are no longer simply living for each other (i.e. - the Honeymoon's over), but thinking as a couple/team (Future wise) and are concentrating on your own prospective careers to achieve your collective goals. This refocus on your career and goal achievement, even though prompted by the goals set with your husband, can reawaken your independence and sense of self. There's nothing wrong with that...But sometimes people can really lose focus on the big picture and drift when they don't mean to.

The renewed independence, coupled with the waning "ga-ga-ness" of your marriage, can make you take more focus on yourself, your appearance, etc. This self-awareness can be good and bad, in a way. It's good because it's nice to step back and really look at your marriage at this point and realize that you are with this partner by choice and can easily see all the reasons why the two of you are together. In a way, it reaffirms/validates/solidifies your correct choice of marriage...The danger is that even though you have all the best intentions in the world (don't they say the road to Hell is paved with this?), your own self-awareness can make you vulnerable. You are really scrutinizing yourself...And if someone else seems to find you attractive, that can really catch your attention. You might subconsciously feel a wane in the amount of attention/affection your husband gives to you on a day-to-day basis (to his defense, this might happen because he is also off focusing on your combined goals), and now someone new comes in and starts showing interest, it really can seem very exciting...But you have to realize it's short-lived.

Okay, enough of the armchair psychiatrist routine. Really look at what you are saying...You found happiness you never thought you'd have in marriage (Your first time was a horrible experience)...and yet you flirt with disaster. Perhaps you feel that since you were abused in marriage before that you think you're somehow not supposed to enjoy things that are good? Maybe you are attracted to people who are potentially bad to you because you equate Secure with Boring? You ABSOLUTELY deserve to be happy...Wait a minute - I thought I was finished with the shrink's couch...Let's take a look at this new guy for a second.

He's hitting on you for a variety of reasons. One, you may be extremely attractive (To him or others), so that could be an obvious reason. Two, he can sense that you might actually feel "needy" for that kind of attention (You must have reacted in a somewhat positive or not-negative-enough way to his come on, intentionally or not, for him to turn it up) via your reactions and body language. Three, you're married, so he knows there's no strings attached where you are concerned, there's no emotional baggage, and he has nothing to lose. Four, since you are married, if he can get reactions out of you and actually make you go against your own wedding vows and put your entire secure future in jeopardy because of Him, then you unwittingly just stroked this guy's largest sexual organ - his ego. You might be the most wonderful, beautiful, caring, philanthropic, intelligent, altruistic person on earth - he doesn't give a Rip. All you are to him is a "Challenge"...You mean nothing more to him than immediate stimuli. If it's not you, then it's some other person who's on his daily route. Trust me - the farthest thing from his mind is Your Future...Let alone any future with Him (because there isn't any).

Let's go back to the third reason why he's hitting on you - He has nothing to lose. How ironic...YOU DO. It's actually pretty sad, really. He flits around trying to "score" while never really knowing what it's like to share in Love. Be a little pompous and don't give in to this charity case. Take a look at it this way - He has everything to gain, and you have everything to Lose. Put it in that perspective, and he seems pretty pathetic. Stick with what's real and important. Use this as a warning sign and Learn from it...Marriage is Work - You have to put effort into it. You and your husband might have the best friendship/relationship in the world, but you can lose your marriage if you don't pay attention to it. Go out on a Date...Really enjoy each other. Not only focus on future goals, but also take time to concentrate solely on each other and making each other happy. Your marriage is not over yet...Just give it a little jump-start and it will be fine. However, do a fling with Delivery-Boy here, and you're potentially throwing away everything that you cherish. And when the chips fall down and you lose your marriage and your best friend, is the person who helped you throw your life into turmoil going to be by your side? Nope...he's not going to remember your name in 6 months (and will be very happy to be away from your crumbling situation - he doesn't want emotional issues, just his own heightened ego). And the sad part is, you won't even think of him...only of what you lost. You want to be tempted? Spend some real quality time with your husband and concentrate on working the romance between you...All your temptations will/can be realized, satisfied, (and more) right there - At home, where they should be...

Alrighty - I'm off my soap box. I truly hoped this helped, and please do not be a stranger. Feel free to visit at any time, and please spread the word about the site. Good luck!!!!!!!!

Q & A: "he only dated her to get to me"

2008-04-17T14:06:00.000-07:00

Name: Lavender Locus
City: Bronx
Question: okay. I used to be best friends with this girl. We were inseparable. And also there was a boy that had liked me before he met her. They started dating and I didn't mind because I hated him anyway. But then I found out he only dated her to get to me. And now that I'm not her friend anymore, he still wants me so he treats her awfully and ignores her but refuses to break up with her. Now he's trying to be "friendly" to my new best friend. This boy is obsessed with me and I don't know what to do. He takes over my friends and makes passes at me and doesn't stop. Everyone tells me to confront him and tell him leave me alone. But they don't understand that he would rape me as soon as I approach him, even if it was to yell. And I have called him horrible names to his face. He knows I hate him and he refuses to stop harassing me. Either he's in love with me or I need a restraining order because he is mentally retarded. And we are all only fifteen years old :((((

Dear Lavender,

Hi there and thanks for writing...That's a pretty serious allegation about this boy "raping" you. That is not something to take lightly nor toss around easily. Such an insinuation carries an enormous amount of seriousness and penalties, so make sure you know what the true ramifications are when choosing your vocabulary. That being said, let's take a look at this boy...You think he does all of this to just get to you. So in actuality, all he is looking for is a response. He wants to know that he's getting under your skin...So don't oblige him. Confront him, but have absolutely no emotion when you talk to him. Tell him that his actions are better suited elsewhere because you have absolutely No feelings for him, good or bad. Once he realizes that he carries no emotional weight with you, then the fun is out of the game he's playing. All in all, it's best to discuss this with an authority...Whether it be your parents, or a school teacher/counselor, or both. If you believe that this boy can become violent, then you need more involvement from those who can help. If you truly fear for your safety, then take such measures to protect yourself...Tell an adult, always have friends with you, never be alone if you know he's around, etc.... Hopefully the adult involvement/intervention will nip this problem in the bud right away...The hint of something violent is nothing to play around with...Stop playing into his hands and his game...It's grown bigger than both of you. Hope this helps, and best of luck to you...

Name: Janai
Question: How can I tell my boyfriend I love him back I do love him but I cant say it?

Hi Janai,

Thanks for writing...Saying "I Love You" comes very easily to some, and very difficult to others...You may not be as "gaga" as he is right now, or perhaps you are much more cautious than he about your emotions. Either way, there's no "race" for you to say anything...You can let him know in subtle ways so that you are more comfortable with mentioning your feelings...Write him a letter and end it with "Love, Janai"...Or tell him that you love a certain aspect about him - "I love your laugh", or something like that. Break into it easy...When you do say it to him for the first time, you want it to mean as much to you as it does to him...Hope this helps, and please spread the word about the site!

Name: Pam
Question: I am a happily married woman. My husband and I have a healthy sexual relationship yet I still have a strong desire to sleep with other people in fact I feel that I someday will. Can you help me with any insight you may have please.

Dear Pam,

Thanks for writing...Time to revisit why you got married in the first place. It's all about Love, Sharing, and Commitment. The pure fact that you are leaving the door so wide open for infidelity is frightening...You will no doubt have/be a self-fulfilling prophecy, and it will be to your own doing. You're not just leaving the door open to "chance," but you will subconsciously be grooming yourself for the event (infidelity) so that when you are finally in a position to cheat on your husband, your resolve not to cheat will crumble like wet paper. Go to therapy/marriage counseling immediately... Imagine if you took the same amount of thought and mental energy you are spending on your infidelity fantasies and invest them into your marriage and your husband - I'm thinking your chances of cheating will be far less. If you are seeking the approval of others, like the acceptance and the satisfaction that someone else finds you sexy and attractive, then I'm thinking that your self-worth and sense of self needs a tune-up, and therapy is the answer. What's better? To be strong, secure, confident, trustworthy, sexy, grounded and monogamous, or to be seen as easy, cheap, trampy, slutty, lost and pitiful? That's a little strong, but you get my point...If you have any care for your marriage (And if you have any children, them too), you will know that it is much better to honestly be able to look at your husband in the eye and him trust you completely. I'm sure you ask the same of him, so put yourself in his shoes as well. You are seeking the acceptance and "love" of others in completely the wrong way...By jumping into bed with someone else, you'll never gain respect for yourself in your eyes (or in the eyes of others)...All you'll be is a "score" and you'll forever be chasing for closure, love and security that isn't there. Do me a favor and remember this - ALL THINGS EBB...What I mean by that is no matter how high the high, those sensations lessens after time...No matter how low the low, those sensations will also lessen in time...What you have to keep in mind and think about is what you will be left with after all the high-strung/intense emotions are gone...Will you have a lasting sense of satisfaction and security, or will you have a gnawing feeling of guilt? It's completely up to you...This is your own choice. Hope this helps, and please don't be a stranger...

Q & A: "wife has blamed me for not letting her daughter live with us"

2008-04-17T13:37:00.000-07:00

Name: David
Question: Problem, Wife's daughter, my stepdaughter who is 19 now wants to come live with us, because we are buying a home. The daughter as been living with her grandparents since the age of 8. When I married my wife, her daughter wasn't shown to respect, and when I tried to correct her, she (daughter) would tell her grandparents, the grandparents then would tell their daughter (my wife) who then would let me have it with both barrels. For the last 8yrs my wife and I have come at a crossroads because her daughter wants to live with us, because there are to many things happening at the grandparents home. My wife and I also have a 9yr old daughter between us. My wife for the last 8yrs has blamed me for not letting her daughter live with us, after two yrs into the marriage, her daughter choose to live with her grandparents, because she believed that it was easier and following no rules with her grandparents and until even now my wife treats me pretty rotten because of this. Should I now accept my step daughter to come live with us and my wife says that she now will be a better wife and do I continue to make the sacrifices and hope that my wife will be not as abusive to me verbally? I am at the crossroads and really don't know what to do. If you can shed a little light on this complex issue. Thank You.

Hi David,

Thanks for writing...This issue is very deep-seated. First off, I think that you and your wife should go to some counseling prior to the daughter moving back in as you two have a lot to work out...If she's promising to be a "better" wife that means that she probably has been holding back from you or doing things consciously that are not the best for your relationship. This means that this marriage is not as healthy as it should be - by Choice. That's not healthy for anyone. Get yourselves in front of a professional and secure your foundation before bringing in the daughter. You two have yourselves as well as the child you share to think about. Your stepdaughter is no longer a minor and if she wants to live with you, there's responsibilities she will have to bear around the house (even monetary responsibility is possible), and rules she will have to live by. On the other hand, she's not a child anymore, so your rules cannot be over-the-top either. Sit down and get things straightened with your wife. Then the two of you will have to sit down with the daughter and openly communicate as to what is expected from her and yourselves. Lay the groundwork up front to try and avoid confrontations later. Also openly discuss everything with the young daughter as well...It's her house too. Finally, this might be a good time for you to try and foster a relationship with your stepdaughter. She's a lot older now, so you have to give her respect and a chance. You guys may never be best friends, but if you two can at least establish a level of respect and decorum for each other, it makes living together a Heck of a lot easier. Who knows? You might grow closer to her than you ever thought possible...Hope this helps, and good luck to you all...

Name: Leigh
Question: I have a problem my friend was talking to my other friend on the bus about me breaking up with my boyfriend after he gives me my gift but I did say it but it was a week ago and now he heard them talking and asked me about it. What should I do?

Dear Leigh,

Hi there...The best thing to do is come clean. If you were just saying it and not really meaning any of it, then just tell him that you said it because you were "thinking out loud" and were frustrated by your recent dealings with him...But that you never really meant it and make up to him, etc. If you did mean it, then come clean on that as well. If he's doing something that makes you tell your friends that you're going to break up with him, then obviously something in his behavior is upsetting you. Use this opportunity to confront the entire issue and work on making your relationship stronger. Open communication is the only way to establish a good and healthy relationship - and that means sharing thoughts on negative as well as positive aspects of each other. Now, if he's really not doing anything wrong and you just like to hear yourself talk up in front of your friends, then watch your words and learn from this lesson...You almost blew something good by treating it with disrespect. By the Way, waiting to break up with someone until After he gives you a gift is a little subversive...It shows you are not respecting him or your relationship very much at all. Imagine if he did that to you? When the shoe's on the other foot, it's uncomfortable, isn't it? Think about that the next time you plan your actions...I hope this helps, and stop by anytime...

Name: Carla
Question: Jim and I were married 6 months when he had an affair that lasted several weeks. When I found out, his reasoning was that with me, he wanted to be and do the best at everything, but with her, he could be "sorry," and it wouldn't matter, because he didn't care if he impressed her or not. I had never tried to be judgmental towards him nor did I expect him to be perfect. I could not deal with the affair, and asked him to leave. We got back together, and to the best of my knowledge, he has been faithful ever since. He is also a lot more considerate, and obviously trying hard to make the marriage work. I have forgiven him for the affair, and have gotten to the point that I don't think about it all the time. The problem I have now is that even though I love him and want to be with him, I don't enjoy sex with him anymore. I act like I enjoy it because I know it is important to him that I do, and I don't want to hurt his feelings. I tried to talk to him about this a few times, but it seems to make him feel so guilty that I am afraid that his feelings of guilt would destroy us. He has apologized so many times and I know he is truly sorry for what happened. How do I get over feeling dirty when he touches me? The woman he was with was the town floozy, she openly states that she will leave the bar with the man who buys her the most drinks, married or not. I feel like I have been exposed to over half the men in town. Jim and I have been back together for almost two years, and I still can't get over that last hurdle. He has no idea I still feel this way. I have not talked about this with him in over a year, because he gets really depressed and says he is scared he is going to lose me over something he deeply regrets and cannot go back and change. Except for this, our relationship is great. I don't resent him. I want to enjoy every aspect of our love. How do I stop feeling like I need to rush into the shower every time he touches me? Please help!

Hi Carla,

This is more than I can assist with...You need to go and seek professional advice from a therapist on this. It does look like you've come an extremely long way, and kudos for you in trying to make things work. This last hurdle is a mental one, and it belies more deep-seated hurt than maybe you've realized...Even though you forgave him, you may very well have some unresolved trust issues that comes to the surface whenever intimacy is involved. While you think you're past his excursion, there's a part of your subconscious that still has not forgiven his infidelity. A therapist can help you through this and that will hopefully allow you to openly and honestly enjoy your time with him again. Best of luck to you, and take care.

Q & A: "getting perhaps a young nurse to live in & become my wife when mine has passed on?"

2008-04-17T13:31:00.000-07:00

Name: Scott
Question: I am a 31 year old gay male. I have been dating a wonderful guy since this past November of 2000. Since we started dating, we both decided to do this right. Most gay men meet and in two weeks to a month they move right in with each other. And they wonder why things don't work out with relationships in their life? So this is something that I definitely will not
do! It be a year this November 2001 that we have been dating. We both have the same values and outlook on life. I feel that is a must. And we both feel like friends when we are together. So after saying all this, my
question to you is. "How do you tell if this is the right person, soul mate, whatever you call it?" "Are there signs, a gut feeling or what to tell me that this is the guy?" I do know this, the feeling that I have when I am around him is completely different from I have ever had in my dating life. It's not a crush, puppy love, lust, etc....So if you have any experience with this or can offer me any insight on this matter, that would be highly appreciated?
Thank You,
Scott

Hi Scott,

Thanks for writing...Although I've had gay friends, I'm not going to say that I understand the whole dynamics of a same sex relationship. You go through so much more pressure, scrutiny, and sometimes ridicule from people outside the relationship that it must be extremely difficult to always focus on your
partner cleanly. My hat goes off to you as just carrying on a healthy relationship can be tough enough, and then when you have others who put their own to cents into your personal life, you really have to have some fortitude to pull through it all with a smile.

That being said, from various discussions with gay couples, I'd say that a lot of the emotional ties/bonds/steps that go into the relationship journey between the partners is quite the same as heterosexual relationships. I do think that people in gay relationships tend to move in together more quickly because of society's pressure against them...It's already them against the world, so might as well make it 24/7 (I might be Way off the mark here since I am not gay and don't walk in your shoes, but that's how it seems to me)...I do admire your focus on making sure your relationship is number one above all else instead of purely focusing on the "lifestyle" part of it. What I mean is, it would probably have been easier for you two to move in together, form your united front, and then slowly learn about each other while being
together. The way you are going about it is old-fashioned and refreshing. Kudos for your decision and your commitment to the relationship itself and its longevity.

As for the "Soul Mate" thing...It's purely an intuitive thing. When you know it, you know it. For some its the unique sense of truly feeling like you've known your partner all your life. Others might say it's the way you and your partner see everything the same way, like the same tastes, maybe even finish each other's thoughts and sentences from early on. One can say it's that complete sense of comfort with your partner and the fact that you can be 100% open and vulnerable and not have a wisp of fear. Or maybe your partner is the only one who really appreciates your goofier side or is the only one who truly makes you laugh...It could very easily be a combination of any of these things as well. Most people say that they know they've met their Soul Mate when everything simply "clicks" and they can easily and comfortably look towards a life together...In the end, it's a sense that only you can feel and a perception that only you can share. If he's your Soul Mate, you'll just "know." I know it's not the more definitive answer you were hoping for, but that's all I got. Hope this helps, and best of luck to you.

Name: Ron
City: Detroit
Question: My wife's health is failing quite rapidly. How would I go about getting perhaps a young nurse to live in & become my wife when mine has passed on? This is doable isn't it?

Hi Ron,

Thanks for writing. Quite the disturbing foresight you have there...Oh, it's "doable," I'm sure...But in a way, it sort of sticks out to me as being underhanded, callous, and sick. What are you thinking??? If your Wife's time is that limited, then you should have the decency to do all possible to make sure her last days are as comfortable as possible and filled with love from Family, Friends, oh, and with the Love of someone else....a Soulmate, perhaps....a life partner...hmmmm-someone she shares a "commitment" with...Geez, let's see...Who could that be? Oh Yeah - HER HUSBAND. What if the roles were reversed and you were lying on your deathbed while your "Caring" wife was taking interviews on the male landscapers to see if they were worth a roll in the hay after your demise? You'd be gagging on your respirator. If your time with her is short, then you'll have plenty of time later to worry about finding a suitable mate for your future (and God Forbid - MOURN). There's being efficient, and then there's just plain Cold. Have a Heart, Tin Man...Make your Wife's last days happy. You owe it to her Love for you, your Marriage, and to Both your souls. Life is pretty funny with it's dealing of Karma...My advice is to do the right thing - Focus on your wife. Hope this helps, and good luck to your wife, and you.

Q & A: "I started talking to his brother Jason"

2008-04-17T13:30:00.000-07:00

Name: Jaime
Question: Well I used to like this guy Joe. Recently he was put in jail for 1-3 years. I started talking to his brother Jason. Now I like Jason and he likes me. I don't know what to do. Because their brothers. But then again Joe is in jail for a long time. What should I do?

Hi Jaime,

Thanks for writing...My advice? Drop both of these guys...Joe is a felon, so you certainly don't need to waste time around that kind of element. As for Jason, any brother who would take advantage of his own brother's situation by going after his girlfriend while he's locked away is extremely shortsighted, not to mention untrustworthy and pretty sneaky. Both these guys seem to deserve each other. Go off and find out more about yourself and what your goals in life are (aside from learning how to sneak a file into jail) and concentrate on them. You'll be free (big word here since your current boyfriend isn't free) to find someone else who treats you like you deserve, who isn't currently sharing a very small room with another man, and who doesn't have a rap sheet or a back-stabbing brother waiting in the wings. It seems to me that you can't trust either of these guys as far as you can throw them...Wipe your hands clean of this whole mess and move on...Hope this helps, and best of luck to you!

Name: Juana
City: Jersey City
Question: I will like for u to help me I'm really in need of advice I got married when I was 19 now I'm 21 and my husband wants to end our marriage but he doesn't give me good reasons all he tells me is that I could do better then him that I could fine another guy in my life that treats me better then him he also told me that he doesn't want to be my enemy because he doesn't like to have enemies in his life. I really don't know what to believe or expect from him he gave me the new # to the house so I can call him whenever! What do u think I should do he doesn't look for me or anything I really don't know if he loves me still or he has someone else in his life. All I know is that he said he didn't want to be in the relationship because there was no
communication between us and also because his family always had bad look with there first marriage I don't know how true that is.

Dear Juana,

Thanks for writing...A lot of times when the guy wants to be the martyr ("Go on without me...be happy and find someone else"), I find that they have latent guilt about something (An affair? Spent all of your savings? Etc.) and want to end things without causing you a great deal of pain. This saves them the embarrassment of your finding out what actually happened while he is still beheld to you in a relationship, and also avoids the inevitable confrontation when you find out you've been wronged. He's guilty enough already, and he's wimping out by not allowing you to show him how badly you've been hurt.

Now that being said, it is purely speculation...He might not be having an affair or did anything subversive at all. You mentioned the fact that you two have no communication, and that actually says a lot. He might be acting this way because he's at his wit's end and doesn't see any solution. If you've never built a bridge of communication before it can be difficult to see how you can start building one now. If he's willing, go into marriage counseling with him. Really talk him into it and both of you go. If this marriage means something to you (and from your message it seems like it does) then you'll have to really work at it to get it set right. Forcing the issue will force you two to talk, even at the most base level. You need something to build upon, and it looks like the main thing the two of you need in each other is hope. Work on that and get in to see a professional. Besides, if you keep pushing and you don't give up, you'll either grow back together with him or at least hopefully find out his real reasoning behind wanting to leave...Either way, you get closure. Hanging out and wondering/waiting is only good for getting ulcers. Hope this helps, and best of luck to you!

Q & A: "I was diagnosed with depression"

2008-04-17T13:09:00.000-07:00

Name: Kelly
Question: We inherited a nice riding lawn mower. My husband's nephew keeps wanting to borrow it. They act like it is community property since we got it from their great aunt. They don't ask, they just tell us they're coming to get it. They don't take care of things. How do you keep the peace? We KNOW they won't pay for anything if it breaks. (This kind of thing has happened before) My husband is going to tell his mother that if it is community property (which it is not) then they can come get the D thing and keep it! This would be fine with them because they would take it gladly. It's not fair, then our son would have to go back to pushing. It was given to US. Help!

Hi Kelly,

Thanks for writing...I'm going to go off the assumption that your inheriting this lawnmower was an actual written wish of your Great Aunt's...Now I'm not known as a "Mr. Manners," but I will give it my best shot...I guess there's
two ways you can go about this:

1) Peacekeeping - First off, always make sure that you do your lawn before the nephew leaves with it. If he comes before your son had a chance to do it, kindly have the nephew wait and have a glass of lemonade or something.
If any questions are raised, mention that since he'll be taking it for a while, you want to make sure you use it first since it's yours. Make sure to reference the fact directly and often that you have no problem letting them borrow Your lawnmower from time-to-time, and that you are really appreciative that your Great Aunt wanted you to have it. Make sure to refer to it as "My"
or "Our" (referring to your nucleus family) lawnmower. Make mention of the fact that although you don't mind them using it so much, they really should think about putting some money towards gas and maintenance, as
it's only fair since they are constantly using Your lawnmower. *Caution: Don't Overdo the My, Mine, Our bit too much or they'll know something's up. Just be confident but nice...Pleasant, but to the point. Don't let them
leave without knowing that you are doing them a favor and that they should be appreciative.

2) Subversive - Next time the nephew comes over to borrow it, it's suddenly unavailable becuase you lent it to someone on Your side of the family (if none are close by, then you lent it to a neighbor or family friend)...If they question why, well, it's yours to do with as you please. Another time if they come over have it in the shop. Tell them that since they've been using
it so much, you want them to share on all the costs for repairing it and for operational costs. Nothing stops mooching like the specter of having to pay for something they were getting for free. Or take a part of it apart and make like you are fixing it yourself, and mention that you're working on it and they won't be able to use it for a while. Again, if they really start to put up a fuss, break out the will and show them where it was bequeathed to you. Also point out the fact that you are not continuously asking to borrow, or assume as community property, any of the things left to others.

I try to never promote dishonesty, but these people are blind to the fact that they're walking all over you and they are indignant to boot. if they are not going to understand the situation for what it really is, then I guess changing the situation around to fend them off is not the worst policy in the world...Hope this helps, and good luck!

Name: Audrey
City: Raleigh
Question: Hey, I was reading through your advice posts and I think your advice is great! I know the answers to my problem already but I thought I might give some outside advice a shot. My Mom is the type of person that would rather send me to a doctor when I have a problem than take the time to solve it herself. I was diagnosed with depression my sophomore year and was immediately put on Prozac. I smoked marijuana occasionally but by the time my junior year came around I was high nonstop. I know it got out of hand, but I definitely don't think rehab was appropriate for my dependency. After I was out of rehab for a month, I began smoking occasionally again. I am not an "addict" like my Mom has labeled me and I do not have a problem. I can smoke every once and a while and it will not ever be like it was. I have done much research on marijuana and its effects and I really feel as though it is not as terrible as society makes it out to be. Many successful people use it, and I was not any less of a person while I was going through my "pothead" phase. My question for you is, how can I get my Mom off my back about my using occasionally? I don't want you to say just wait it out for the rest of my senior year, but that's the only answer I've come up with. If it's possible for me to still smoke, please let me know how I can! I decided for my self to discontinue the Prozac because I was not depressed. This has been fine for me and I haven't had any problems with my Mom about that decision. I lied to her about my year-long-buzz and I understand how she has problems trusting me today but, I want her to back off!!

Hi Audrey,

Thanks so much for writing! I appreciate the feedback...Now, as for your question, I'm not exactly certain that you'll like my answer. Your Mom might be coming down on you really hard for two reasons:
1) There's an old and very true saying, "Once an addict, always an addict". This will be a life-long battle for you to control yourself and the use of drugs...You have to understand that you are never totally in control until you can stay away from it completely and know that it doesn't hold any value in your life. The pure fact that you are using it, even occasionally, is leaving the door wide open for you to unwittingly slip into the same use and abuse pattern that you went through as a Junior. Just having it as a presence in your life will always create that window of opportunity for you to abuse it again, whether right now you mean to or not. It got "out of hand" once already, and there's absolutely no guarantee, no matter what you believe right now, that it won't get "out of hand" again. You've already lost the control battle once, and even though you still think you were never an addict, you sure abused like one.
2) It's illegal in our justice system and general society to use it. Your Mom realizes that no matter how innocent you think the drug is, if you are ever caught and its use in brought into court, you can face some very serious penalties. One day you'll realize that the absolute most important commodity in one's life is Time, and if you waste time behind bars, you'll regret every one of those seconds spent in jail for the rest of your life. You'll know that your view of pot as being "Not so terrible" and controllable is pretty shortsighted in the grand scheme of things. If it really isn't that important, then you really don't need it at all, right? If you are that strong to say you can use it and control it, then you are strong enough to be without it completely. If you still want and desire to use it, no matter how recreationally, then you are still addicted to it to a certain degree. Once you are actually strong enough to say (AND Live) that you have it Completely out of your life, then you can say you are on the road to recovery...Think about this: Let's say a person had a bad case of Cancer, and then took steps to rid the Cancer from his body. For the most part, he was successful, but there still is remnants of Cancer in his body...Is he cured? No, he's not. He might have won some very difficult battles, but the Cancer is still there, a constant and deadly nemesis he can't run from. He's only cured when it's completely out of his body (and life). Just like your drug use...You might have toned it down and feel that you are cured from it because of your nearsighted belief of self control, but as long as it's in your life, you're not cured. The Cancer victim will not be a survivor because it isn't completely gone...And then there's no guarantee that it won't return later on. He'll never be completely free of worry as he knows that the next time it comes back into his life, it can most certainly kill him (especially if there's still Cancer present). He can battle valiantly, but only God knows what the outcome will be each time he fights the disease. Ask a Cancer victim if they would rather fight Cancer or Addiction, and I'm thinking that they would say Drugs because they can be completely rid of it via self-control (for the most part). If you viewed drugs like a disease, you'd never let it back into your life again...There's no such thing as a person having a "little" Cancer, and there's no real thing as a purely "recreational" drug user...remember, you are using drugs to distort your own perception of reality...What makes you think that you are as in control as you think you are? Do you remember what you say you did your whole Junior year? Do you remember your Junior year at all? Actions speak louder than words...Drop the bong and get on with more important things in life. Take Real control of your life and really make the most of it...I hope this helps, and don't be a stranger... Best of luck to you!

Q & A: "I met someone at my younger brother's wedding"

2008-04-17T13:04:00.000-07:00

Name: Michele
City: Sacramento, CA
Question: In July I met someone at my younger brother's wedding. Simon is 2 years younger than me (I'm 31), a German national, and recently started his medical residency (GYN/ONC) in Germany. Simon has never taken the US medical exams so at this time, he does not have an opportunity to come to the US. I doubt he ever will .. He could need to repeat not only the exams but his residency (6 years). My dilemma: Simon asked me to marry him in May and I said "maybe." My background ... I graduated college in 1991 and went straight to work for a Blue-chip-stock company. I have been there a little over 10 years now and have established myself at work, in my personal life, & my community. I own my dream home and love the area I live in -- I always imagined I would settle here. Before I get too long winded -- I can't decide whether I want to move to Germany -- could be permanently. But, the thought of losing Simon makes me miserable -- I do think he's "the one" and at 31, I've spent a long time looking. I hate the thought of giving up my life, especially when Simon is just starting out -- he's not even sure he's doing the right career (how I think we all feel when we're just starting a job). Me, I'd be giving up a lot -- stock options, a good job, friends, etc., and stepping out into the UNKNOWN. FYI, I've been looking for jobs in Europe -- with my company -- but due to the tech industry biz environment, I have found nothing in 6 months. What is your advice? Give it all up and take the risk or stay in my comfort zone? PS Simon is an optimist -- he thinks no matter how much we struggle, how poor we are, no matter where we're located -- that we'll be happy and together. Me, I can't decide -- plus, I need sunshine! The thought of cold and rain and snow in Germany depresses me! Thanks ...

Hi Michele,

Thanks for writing...May I first remark how deeply I identify with your situation. I too graduated from college in 1991 and know how incredibly difficult it was to get a firm foothold employment wise when it was the worst job market in 27 years. If you remember, there were a lot of extremely bright and qualified individuals who ended up working for minimum wage as there wasn't any other options...The pure fact that you got involved in that company at that time (right before it took off) and have been there so long is very impressive, so I can understand your dilemma.

It sounds as though you two are coming from different angles in life. You share a great love, and that's secure and safe. But for your own personal goals/dreams, you have two different mindsets. You know what it took you to get this far, you know what you had to put up with and overcome to be successful, and you have already reached goals that in the beginning were seen as mere dreams. You are proud (rightly so) of your accomplishments and now that you have reached a relatively secure point in your career, you are able to begin to focus on more personal issues. Simon is just starting out, as you said. It is understandable that he has second doubts about his career choice, but this is not a "new" thing he started yesterday. He's been working on getting to this level for several years... That actually worries me a little bit as it makes me wonder what else he can be "iffy" about. However, I'm not a doctor, so I have no idea what they go through. I would just think that if someone dedicated their life for years to work on becoming something, that they would have that innate belief and conviction that what they are working towards is truly what they want to become... It seems to me that it all comes down to Romanticism versus Practicality. Simon's definitely a Romantic, and I can certainly relate to that. He truly does mean it when he's saying that as long as the two of you are together, then you'll be happy. He's not really focusing on the peripheral aspects of your relationship (like what your household income would be, work environment, living atmosphere) as he is focused on what the two of you share relationship wise. He's taking for granted that as long as you two are in love and face things together, all else will fall into place for you. In some ways he's right...But sometimes love is not enough and outside forces (mainly Money) can have a devastating toll on a relationship.

Relationships are somewhat like two boats that are tied together with a fairly long rope. When life is good and the water's calm, you two will focus on each other, communicate well, and always be in each other's sight. On days like these, you two can face anything because there's nothing between you...You can pull one boat closer in and really latch on to be closer. This is the way that Simon sees things... However, in Life, you do get some stormy seas...On rough days, the swells of life will separate your boats to the point of almost breaking your rope. You'll catch glimpses of each other when a wave goes down, but when it comes up again, you'll lose focus of each other and will have to deal with what's immediately around you. You will have to do whatever you can to ensure you survive, as well as doing all you can to not allow that rope to break. This is the kind of scenario that you can envision happening from time to time - You realize that you have to work at keeping a relationship strong and that there is always other external influences that can make the seas boil around you. You know that you have to do what you can to make sure the seas are as calm as possible, that the boats don't have any leaks (you both have to float on your own in order to be together), that the rope is as strong and supple as possible. In real terms this means that you realize you have to be happy where you are, that you both are happy in what you are doing individually (as well as with each other), and that there's sufficient income to ensure a quality of life the both of you can be comfortable with. (Hey - I just came up with this whole boat analogy thing...I think I'm going to have to remember it for the future!)

Now I can be statistically cold and remind you that no matter how great Simon is, there's some 6 billion people in this world, so it's very likely that there's someone else out there for you, and one that would be closer to home with requiring less to give up for. Remember, if you were in China and you think he's in a million, there's a thousand people just like him...However, let's not give up on Simon just yet. The way I see it is this - You love your job, you've looked at practical options of going to Europe (The most high-tech place in Europe that I've personally heard of was Ireland - Not exactly in Germany, but it IS closer - but your chance of Sunshine is still not very high) for work but they haven't panned out, you're established, you're accomplished, and financially you're pretty set. If you were to change companies, it would make most sense for you to change jobs in California as they will most likely pay you for what your expertise is (since that's where the market is) and you'll be able to use your experience to your greatest advantage. It sounds like you love your industry and have no desire to change, and California is certainly a good place to be if you want to work in the computer field (although I do keep hearing of other places around the U.S. that are building up their own Silicone Valleys). Simon's just starting out, but also he's ambivalent about his desire to be in that field anyway. To be honest, he has the greater opportunity to pick up and move... Realistically, he shouldn't as he's put so much time and effort into it. However, he should investigate fully the chances of his transferring some of that experience over to the States. Although he's put a lot of time into it, you are much more established and therefore have the larger and stronger foundation to support the both of you. You own a house, and I'm guessing he's living in a flat. If he wants to be fair and equal in the relationship, then he has to make sure to take a very hard look and exhaust all possibilities of his coming over here before he expects you to throw away your dreams and accomplishments. You've already proven you're willingness to change your life for him, and the numbers don't seem to add up in anyone's favor... Now he has to do the same for you. If he truly loves you, then he'll understand your position and want you to be happy. You have a lot more to give up (that's already established) than he does, and you happen to be perfectly happy in your field (which you might not be able to stay in if you move to Europe), where he is still having doubts. Besides, his Love can provide a lot of Sunshine, but if he's struggling with his own merits at his job, then he's not going to be able to light up your days as much as you might need if you are living in Germany...At least if you two are in California, you don't have to worry about the weather...To me, he has to be the one to make the larger sacrifice for this to work...In this situation, Practicality has to win over Romanticism based on the pure facts alone. I hope this helps, and please don't be a stranger...Good luck...

Q & A: "he had an affair with a girl he went to prom with many years ago"

2008-04-17T11:49:00.000-07:00

Name: Jordi W.
City: Cherry Hill
Question: I've been talking with this guy Oscar for a couple of months now, we met through mutual friends. I met him with those other "mutual friends" at the beach a little while ago. I completely fell in love with him, and vice versa. But he lives an hour away, in Atlantic City. I don't have any idea what to do anymore. I want to be with him so badly, to be in his arms and to love him unconditionally, but it's not like my parents would understand and I can't drive nor can he. We are so in love with each other, and it hurts me SO much every single day. I know that I should probably just forget about it since it seems impossible to be with him, and now with school starting, I'll be seeing him less and less and talking with him less and less (I met him up at the mall 2 days ago). This is a tough one, but do you have any suggestions for a bleeding heart?

Hi Jordi,

Thanks for writing. I know someday you'll understand this (maybe not right now) but what you are going through is more likely infatuation and not love. Whatever you want to call it, it can be extremely exciting and wonderful. That's great that you now know that you can feel this way...One of the larger challenges for your coming years is to know how to be smart about these feelings - when to act on them, when to be open with them, when to know the right person is involved and deserving of your attention. Right now, there's not much you can do as you live apart and have no real method of transportation to see each other and cultivate a relationship properly. Believe it or not, if you cease to see him you'll eventually forget about this boy and probably become interested in someone closer to home. Just always try to remember to keep your own best interest at heart. Try to understand that what you might want is not always the best thing for you. Try to have enough stability within yourself and control to take a step back and look at everything objectively. You have many years ahead of you to fall in love and to live your life with your Prince Charming...Always keep your own best interest at heart and keep focused on what is to be the future of Jordi (not Jordi and ???). Don't worry...The feelings for this boy will lose their bite over time...You'll be over him before you know it - Just keep your eyes open as to what's going on around you and with what you want for your own future...You'll have plenty of time in the future to fall head over heels for plenty of deserving guys. What you want to do is get yourself settled so that when they fall for you (and they will, whether or not you reciprocate), you can pick the right one intelligently and with your future in mind. Hope this helps, and best of luck to you...

Name: Keli
City: T or C
Question: I've been married for six years. Up until 2 months ago it was a wonderful marriage, my husband cheated on me. When I found out he lied about who it was with and said he had sex with a total stranger a ten min. quickie. I let it go at that even though I did not believe him. Then I found out the truth he had an affair with a girl he went to prom with many years ago. It went on for a couple of weeks. He refused counseling to try to work out the
issues so I tried to fix it myself. I was explaining to him one night one of our problems and he flew off the handle and hit me (not the first time). He went to jail and is out now but has a restraining order not to come around me until he goes to court. In the meantime a friend that I have known for quite sometime has just kinda popped into my life. And he's true blue everything I want in a man. We have spent a little bit of time together, he's listened to
me everyday about my problems and now I care for him also.
My question is should I give my husband another try, he is really sorry he did what he did and is really sincere. The other guy I mentioned is wonderful he's everything in one package and is in love with me. Should I keep fighting to save my marriage or should I just let them both go and hide
lol I really don't want to hurt anyone but that's what's going to happen if
I don't stop it now? One will anyway I guess but what do I do? Thanks for
your help

Hi Keli,

Thanks for writing...In the grand scheme of things, the number one person you don't want to hurt is YOU...Never forget that. Your husband cheated on you with someone he's known for years, so he's been lying to you for quite a long
time. You mention that it has been a wonderful marriage, but then you also mentioned that he
hit you in the past. Let me tell you something - There is NOT a SINGLE HEALTHY relationship out there that involves one partner doing bodily harm to another. It is nothing to shrug off, forget about, or sweep under the rug...It is all about RESPECT. Your husband cheated on you because he thinks he CAN. He's already got you cowered and in the mindset where you forgive him for hitting you, to the point where you think your marriage is wonderful...But that's just Wrong. You're just deluding yourself. You knew he was lying and you let it go...What else are you going to allow? Can you see how incredibly one-sided your marriage is (to his favor)? The mere fact that there's a Restraining Order should be setting off alarms in your head.
Leave him in jail. Leave him period. Get some self respect and move on...Until you decide you are your own person, you'll continue to be the
doormat of his life.

He obviously has anger-management issues, among other things, but you're not important enough to him to try and go to counseling about. Then when you try it on your own and attempt to communicate with him about it, he beats you. Remember, you're the victim here...He hit you because you were speaking about how He wronged You, and then he beats you for it? This guy is the biggest type of coward of all...He can't even attempt to handle criticism of his own obvious faults. Now he's sorry? Of course he is...He knows he's lucked out in finding someone who's sweet and takes abuse at the same time...You are a rare find, and it's bad for You. Get away from this guy. As for this other guy, be patient with that...Some guys get caught up in the whole "knight in
shining armor" scenario that accompanies your kind of situation. Not that he's subversive or he doesn't have your best interest at heart, but sometimes romantic notions of "saving" you can get in the way of patient logic. Take a
breather from him...If he's truly interested, then he wait for you (and respect you) while you work on finishing things at home. If he won't then
you know that the situation is more appealing to him than an actual relationship with you. You have a right to be cautious - You've been hurt,
on many different levels, in the past...Take your time and things will work out fine.

Good luck with everything... I hope you decide to do the right thing. You can only take so much abuse for so long... Everyone has a point inside where they will say "Enough"... I hope you are at that point now. Don't let your husband try to sweet-talk you because everything out of his mouth will be an attempt to get you back
into his life as a punching bag. You already have an opportunity in this forced separation to see things how they really are. I hope you really
reflect on everything and move on to a much better life. Once you finally look in the mirror and firmly decide that you will not be hit again, you'll never look back. Remember, NO ONE has the right to hurt you, in any way. They will only hurt you if You allow it. Don't allow it
to happen again... A departure like this from an abusive relationship can certainly be scary (Actually, I think the prospect of waiting for the fist is scarier), but think of how you'll feel in a year from now...Will you be the current wife (who has to convince herself every day she's happy) of a cheating wife-beater, or will you be Independent Keli, who's charting her own course through life and is doing what's best for her, for once, from now on and always? Go for the latter... Don't also forget that there's tons of women's shelters, counselors, programs, etc., that are geared towards helping women who finally decide to leave abusive relationships. Contact your local YWCA, your hospital, Police, your church, social works representative, various Internet sites... There's TONS of resources that can assist you. You don't have to be alone in this, and you'll finally be able to stand on your own two feet... And the sense of peace and freedom you'll have is incredible... GOOD LUCK...

Q & A: "So now that I have found a boyfriend he is mad with me"

2008-04-17T11:48:00.001-07:00

Name: LaToya
City: Tampa
Question: I have a friend and we do every thing together like a couple but he has a girl friend. So now that I have found a boyfriend he is mad with me. So should I break up with my new boyfriend to go with my friend?

Hi LaToya,

Ummmmm...In a word, No. You're friends with this guy, and you're accepting that he has a girlfriend. He should be just as happy for you if you are truly happy with your new boyfriend. If he's against the relationship because he truly thinks that this new guy is bad for you that's one thing, but if he's just jealous because he's liking the fact he's getting attention from two women (You and his girlfriend), then he's not looking out for your best interest. He's never offered to break up with his girlfriend to be with you, so why should you have to sacrifice your own happiness just to appease him? Tell him you love him as a friend and never want to lose that friendship. If he accepts that, great...But if not, then tell him to suck it up and stop being such a baby. If he still has issues, then he's never been that great of a friend in the first place as he's not looking out for you...At least you've found out either way. Hope this helps, and take care.

Name: Jennifer
Question: I hope someone out there can help. I have been dating a man for two years and I love him dearly. He told me in the very beginning that he had a child from a previous relationship. I do not normally date men with children, but I made an exception for the first time. The child lives over 800 miles away so he does not get to see her often. My problem is this: I have basically ignored the fact he has a child and I guess have been in denial. How can I accept the fact that he has a child? How can I not be jealous of the unconditional love?

Hi Jennifer,

Thanks for writing...Well, you kinda hit it right on the head. You've been in self-denial. But you also have something on your side - 2 years of experience with this man. Have you felt left out? Have you felt unloved? Insecure in your relationship with him because of his daughter? It sure doesn't seem so. Otherwise, it doesn't seem to me that you would have stayed with him for two years already. Actually, it seems like you really haven't noticed he's had a daughter because of your pushing it out of your mind, and also because of the way he treats you. He must have been treating you with a lot of attention and care for you to actually forget he has a daughter until recently. So why should you be afraid now? Take a look at the last two years as proof that you will always be important to him. He loves you, and you have to respect the fact that he is a father and that he is certainly entitled to enjoy and share in the love of his daughter. He's got enough love for both of you (and he's proven it), so why worry? If you truly love him, you'll promote the relationship with his daughter if it is healthy as it benefits everyone. He deserves to have your own unconditional love and be free to love his daughter fully, and also to receive that love from his daughter. Conversely, his daughter deserves to have a father...You obviously think very well of him, so don't you think his daughter can benefit from time with him? And don't you think that if you accept (and grow to love) the daughter and try to understand everyone's point of view that you all could benefit from spending time together? I'm not certain why now after two years you are suddenly insecure, but for now it's unfounded as you already know the track record with this guy. If the relationship was new, I can somewhat understand your self-centered view... But after this much time, you should get over yourself and really look at the situation as reality. He has a daughter, he loves you, and you've been happy with him for two years. Open your eyes and your heart, and you all can keep this going for a long time to come...Maybe one day you two will have children together and then you can understand how unfair it is to be jealous of the love shared between a parent and child. Hope this helps, and best of luck to you.

Q & A: "How do I stop from acting all available and needy?"

2008-04-17T11:45:00.000-07:00

Name: Nana
City: Atlanta
Question: I am a 25 female and live in Atlanta. About 9 months ago I went through a bad breakup with my ex boyfriend of 3 years. It hurt me deeply. I met a guy soon afterwards and it just could not work out. He appeared clingy at first, then it was I who became eventually (I guess it had the symptoms of a rebound relationship) I was hurt again and so I became hard on myself and refused to date guys. I had lots of guys call to ask me for dates (Yes, I did give my number out) only to decline to go on the date or refuse to return calls. It gave me a good feeling to know that all these guys wanted me and I didn't. My best friend was very worried when she noticed how I had changed. I always had this speech about there is nothing like love, love is only a need" Blah blah.

Two weeks ago, my best friend and I went to the park. On our way back to the car, We passed two guys who were going the opposite direction. I noticed one of them and thought he was handsome. But when we passed them, I just went on my merry way. A few minutes later, these two guys turn around and quickly walked toward us. They ask if they could speak to us. This is how I met Frederick. He is 37. We talked for about 30mins, if not more and it was wonderful. He asked me when my last relationship ended and what star I was and how his star and mine were very compatible. We connected so well. In short by the time we were done talking. I was hooked. After all I had done to protect myself, I could not help falling for this guy. He taught yoga in Saturdays and invited me to come. We exchanged numbers, he gave me a friendly hug and parted. Now I was so excited and confused. I did not know this guy so why was I so smitten. Anyway, I wanted him to call (He said he would) but I could not wait, so on Monday, I called him to talk about nothing. He was nice. Later my friend talked to him during that week and told him that I liked him and he said he wanted me to be coming to his yoga classes so that we could get to know each other. I thought about him all week. One Saturday, I went to his house for the yoga. We had expected a few more people but they could not make it. So we were together alone. It was a fun class, we talked a lot and he was very affectionate especially when he was trying to show me a posture. He asked me why I was scared about relationships (got that from earlier conversations) and told me just because I had a bad experience with my ex did not mean all guys were bad. He talked about the fact that he was looking for someone to settle down with (general conversation). After the class he led me to my car and gave me a hug. One Sunday, my friend called him from my house (she had missed her session with him and called to explain) and he wanted to know if I was home. I took that to mean he wanted to speak to me. Anyway, so then again, I called him on Monday, Just to say hi. I know I shouldn't have. When he answered the phone I noticed he was hesitant for a second (imagination) and then he picked up. I was disappointed that he wasn't as excited to talk to me like he was on Saturday. We spoke for a few minutes because he said his cell phone was about to cut off. The last thing he said before I hung up was so see you on Saturday?" And I said yes. I am confused because this is different from what I am used to. Most guys see me, get my number and call me all the time (and when they call, they want to rush everything) . Also most of my relationships begin fast (yes, and end sadly too) Now, All the fears of rejection that I felt when my ex broke up with me is coming back. Is Frederick dumping me, Has he lost interest? Why hasn't he asked me on an official date yet (maybe because I am going to see him every Saturday for yoga) . I care about him more than I have for anyone. I do not want to go too fast. I will wait the world for him. I do not want sex so I know I am not in lust. I cannot fight the fears of rejection though, I am scared he will stop liking me. What do I do? How do I stop from acting all available and needy? I will be seeing him on Saturday. Please help thanks
Nana

Hi Nana,

Thanks for writing...I have one word for you - WHOA! Slow down, girl! You feel more for this guy than anyone else before? More than your recent 3-year ex when you were together? Chill out for a second...For once, try being confident within yourself...You did for a little bit and started to feel good about yourself because you realized that you are attractive and can control aspects of relationships and can commit to them by choice...That's wonderful. So where did this needy, clingy Nana come from? Is it because he's 12 years older and an instructor that you see him as some kind of father/mentor figure? Someone you believe who is to be respected? No matter what the angle, you can never lose interest or respect in yourself. He very well may be interested in you, but for right now, he seems more interested in just having you in his class. He might be taking things very slowly because he hasn't figured you out yet and may not be looking for a hot romance right out of the gate. You'd wait the world for him? I think you'd better check yourself and get some self-respect. You're way out of control on this and will not win him in any way because you're coming on WAY too strong...Be confident in yourself and take each day as it comes...If he wants to be with you, that's fine...And if he doesn't, then that's fine too...Don't forget - One person's rejection is another person's salvation. If he doesn't want to be with you, then obviously he is blind to what you have to offer, and you never want to end up with someone that you have to constantly prove yourself to anyway...So it's good not to get involved in the first place. But C'mon - Have some self-respect! If you don't, no one else will...Stop worrying so much about what this new person thinks and spend time working about what you think of yourself. If you do this, every day will get better and better and you'll end up much happier...You will eventually even find yourself being much happier in relationships that you have an equal say in and choose to be involved in...That makes all the difference in the world. But more importantly, you'll have much more control over your own life...Hope this helps, and thanks for visiting the site...Take care.

Name: Emily
City: Boston
Question: I have been dating a wonderful man for a little over a year now. Our relationship has been perfect, and we have discussed marriage on many occasions. My problem has only surfaced recently.
A few years ago, a good friend who I had strong feelings for and I had a "fling" for about a month, and then we mutually brought it to a stop and it was all but forgotten. I never stopped loving this man, but I pushed him out of my mind, because I never thought I would see him again. A few days ago, we ran into each other at a gathering, and we've emailed to say hi and to say that all bad feelings are forgotten. He lives only a few miles from me, and has a steady job in the area. Now all my old feelings have come back in full force. I cannot get him off my mind, and it is now at the point where I have considered breaking up with my boyfriend to try again with my friend. If I did this it would crush my boyfriend, but at the same time, I can't continue to be with him and sleep with him, while all my thoughts and feelings are with my friend. Please help me! I need some sort of outside feedback in order to sort this thing out.
Thanks...
Emily

Hi Emily,

Thanks for writing...With the recent past events and tragedy that occurred on the East Coast, it has really given most people a reason to pause and reflect on many things that normally they might not have thought much about. It was one of those events that really made everyone take a deeper look and realize that they are happy to be where they are at, to be satisfied with what they have, to feel lucky that they haven't suffered as others have, and to share connectivity with those who have lost and have gone through the ordeal.

The reason I'm overstating the obvious here is that it brings to light your issue to some aspect. You are involved in a relationship with a wonderful man. Your relationship with him has been perfect. You are discussing declaring in front of friends, family, and God that this is the person you wish to spend the rest of your life. There are wonderful, serious, life-decision things...I'm happy you have found someone who fits so well into your life...

Now let's look at your "fling"...You broke up because of an obvious issue/problems that you two could not sort out - To the point that this "friend" dropped out of your life completely (That either tells me that your friendship was not really all that strong, or that the issue that broke you up was very serious)..And now you've run into him and are willing to risk and jeopardize everything you've built with a man that you are thinking of spending your life with. Let's take a hard look at the facts:

1) You are very happy with your current beau and are thinking of growing old with him
2) You lasted but a single month with your "friend."
3) You state you never stopped loving him, but if you ended your relationship with him and pushed him out of your mind for years, I'm thinking you never really were in Love with him to begin with - more like infatuated.
4) You mention he has a stable job, which denotes to me that he work ethic and sticktuitiveness is already in definite question and that he's had issues about committing to a job (or you) in the past.

What if it were reversed? What if the man you are totally happy with came up to you tonight and said, "Emily, I'm sorry but I have to end my relationship with you. I am completely happy with you and think that you are perfect, but I ran into my ex and want to give her another try...What ex? Oh, she was a girl that I dated for about a month a few years back that I had a real big falling out with...That was years before I met you, but now that she seems to have gotten on her feet, I feel I have to give her a second chance even though you are someone I could live the rest of my life with...Sorry." You'd feel like he was just dating you until something that he thought was better came along. You'd feel that somewhere you must be lacking, that all this time you were giving him your heart, he was just biding time...Kinda unfair and shallow, huh?

Here's the thing: You can't ever go back to things exactly the way they were. He's changed, you've changed, you have that rift between you, etc....The infatuation and intensity you remember will never be recaptured because (hopefully) you've both matured some and have grown wiser, and you've also had many life experiences since then. You really have to look at what before you, not what you've left behind.

Wake Up, Emily! If you are going to promise the current guy your future, then you turn around and are willing to throw it all away for a guy that hurt you years ago, what does that say about Your commitment...Your love...? Not much...If you are even remotely serious about your current boyfriend, then do what you've done for years and forget about the loser-guy. If you are still considering being with someone who you already have a rocky past with, then have a little decency and break it off with your current guy - He deserves better and your heart/head has never been seriously in it anyway. You've already lasted over a year with this guy, yet only a month with the other - you do the math. Sorry to sound harsh, but it seems to me you need a definite reality check...Be grateful that you've found someone you think so highly of and are so happy with...You think it's been perfect with him, so how can you expect anything to be better with someone else who's already proven that relationships with him are FAR from perfect (or long-lasting)...They say the grass is greener on the other side, but you've already played on that field and you know it's very uneven, full of rodent holes, bare dirt patches and stray dog feces all over it...If it didn't, you'd still be there. You seem to be bright - Really think about it and truly cherish the guy you're with...Because just think - If you break up with him and go for the loser, then in a month you'll be wishing everything was reversed again and it'll be too late - You just sacrificed your life's future to spend another short-lived month with a dead-end. Hope this helps, and best of luck to you...

Q & A: "DOES HE ONLY WANT SEX?"

2008-04-17T11:41:00.000-07:00

Name: Meagan
City: New Smyrna
Question: I'M 16 AND I'VE BEEN WITH MY BOYFRIEND FOR 13 MONTHS WHICH IS 19. RECENTLY HE JUST MOVED I STILL GET TO SEE HIM A FEW TIMES A WEEK AND I'M HAPPY WITH HIM AND LOVE HIM, THE ONLY THING IS THIS OTHER GUY HAS STARTED TO CALL ME AND WE'VE BEEN HANGING OUT. HE'S 21 AND HAS THE GREATEST PERSONALITY. WHO DO I CHOOSE, AND DOES HE ONLY WANT SEX BECAUSE I'M SO YOUNG? MEAGAN

Hi Meagan,

These guys are using you for one thing only - and that is sex. You could be the nicest, most wonderful young woman in the world who has a great future - All they see is a young girl they can manipulate to their own needs and who ultimately is disposable. Young guys who date much younger women are always using the relationship as a source of control and security. They have a much easier time having a relationship that they can dictate with a younger person than they can with someone their own age. In reality, they probably have a very difficult time getting a date with someone their own age as they are most likely seen as immature, geeky, or as a loser. Luckily for them, younger girls like yourself seem to miss those aspects as it's cool that someone older (supposedly to be more respected, wiser, and cooler) finds you attractive and wants to be with you. Cut off all physical ties (No sex), and I'm extremely confident they will leave you in record time.

Get some self-respect and see these people as the manipulative losers that they are...People their own age have already seen it and that's why they have to keep searching for younger and younger people so they can hopefully have some influence on. Oh, and I forgot one thing - The whole thing is illegal in most states and morally just Wrong. Find yourself and build upon what it is that makes you so unique. Learn to respect yourself and you'll never allow yourself to be used like this again...hope this helps, and take care.

Name: Chow Winnie
City: Hong Kong
Question: My boyfriend was a bit drunk, while I was driving, he screamed at me. I already told him to stop but he carried on. At that time I slapped him wanting to calm him down, he slapped me back. He ran off and refuse to talk to me, because he said if I did that once I would have do it again next time. I love him so much that I really need him back. What can I do to make him believe me that will not happen again?

Hi Winnie,

Greetings to Hong Kong! Don't forget the circumstances that lead to this incident...He was drinking too much, screaming at you, you were sober (hopefully, that's why you were the one driving), he wouldn't listen to reason, you slapped him to try and give him pause to stop screaming, he hits you back (no good reason for that - ever), and then he blames the whole incident on you...How convenient for him. If he wants to avoid this same situation in the future, all he has to do is be a man and take responsibility...That means not drinking too much. No one is forcing him to drink to excess where is causes complications/scenarios like this in his relationships. He's the one in control whenever he lifts that bottle to his mouth. Nip it now or he might be facing a long-term drinking problem where he'll have less control by the day. If you think he needs alcohol counseling, try to get him some...If not, then he has to really take control of his own actions and not blame his girlfriend for his own foolishness. Hope this helps, and best of luck to you...

Q & A: "I reconciled with my husband after a separation for his infidelity"

2008-04-17T11:39:00.000-07:00

Name: Lizbet
Question: I have been totally ignored by 5 of my 7 "children" because I reconciled with my husband after a separation for his infidelity. We had been married for 20 yrs. at the time and until this had been a good husband and father to them. I have wrote letters explaining why and letting them know I do love them. I have grandchildren that I never get to see and when I see some of them I am treated like I'm a stranger. I miss them all so much and I am desperately fighting depression---I don't know what to do!!! I am so very very despondent and wonder sometimes why should I go on--I feel so unloved and think that I must be a terrible person. I have seen people that are not very kind to their kids getting treated much better. I wonder-wonder-wonder?????

Dear Lizbet,

Thanks so much for your letter...There's some questions I have about the circumstances involving this, so I'm going to assume that your husband had a short-term unfaithful period that you found out about and left him because of it. I'm not too certain why the children are bring so hard on you when it seems that you were the casualty of the infidelity to begin with. The only things I can think of is that either they are really mad at your husband for his actions and they cannot believe you went back to him (where they lost respect for you), or you were somehow to blame for the breakup to begin with and they haven't forgiven you...I'm thinking it's probably more towards the first one.

In that case, I think it's time for you to clear the air about things...I'm glad you feel comfortable about your reconciliation...You should create a stronger foundation by attending some marriage counseling meeting to ensure that you two are definitely on the same page. There's a lot of times where people work things out themselves but fail to actually address/solve the issues that created the whole mess to begin with. Remember - your problems in your marriage do not stem from his infidelity, but rather from what issues created the opportunity for him to commit adultery. You solve that, and hopefully he'll never need to feel like he has to be with someone else again. All this can and should be talked about and covered with the guidance of a mediator. Once you have that established, sit down/call and speak open and honestly with your children. If they are turning their backs, then you need to know why and address the issues with them. If it's because of your relationship with your husband, then there needs to be some closure for all...He also has to get involved in the conversations and come clean about his actions, his love for you, and his commitment to your future together. Once all that is out in the open, then I think your children will come around...They might not be completely understanding as to why you went back to him...You have to help them see that - And also help them see that their love and place in your life is so important that their boycott of you from their life hurts a lot more than they probably realize...I hope this helps, thanks for visiting the site, and best of luck to you.

Name: DONNA
Question: I HAD MY NIECE" SON FOR OR MOST 12 WEEKS NOW AND DFS SAID THE GRANDMOTHER WANTS HIM NOW THE BABY IS TWO YEARS OLD AND THE GRANDMOTHER COULDN'T TAKE HIM BEFORE BECAUSE SHE HAD A CASE ON HER WITH DFS AND NOW THERE SAYING SHE WAS CLEARED OF IT SO THERE COMING TO GET HIM TOMORROW. CAN THEY JUST DO THIS? TAKE THE BABY AWAY FROM ME LIKE THAT THEY SAID SHE'S THE GRANDMOTHER AND SHE HAS THE RIGHTS BEFORE I DO. IS THIS TRUE PLEASE HELP ME IF YOU CAN?

Hi Donna,

Thanks for writing...Unfortunately, I'm not a lawyer and can't really assist you on this issue. I would think that DFS would have jurisdiction on this matter and if you really wanted to fight things, then talk to a lawyer and see what can be done. Can you ask for custody from your niece? If she is not around, can you vie for adopting the child? There are things you can do, but a lot of times in child custody cases I've seen on the news they seem extremely drawn out and pretty messy. I'm sure there's options you can pursue, and your lawyer is the best place to start with. Good luck, and hope this helps...

Q & A: "issue is we are both married we are so afraid of hurting are husband and wife"

2008-04-17T11:37:00.000-07:00

Name: Linda
City: Brooklyn
Question: I'm married 45yrs., lived in the same house 28yrs with my husband and 3 children. The children are all married now and living in NJ. My family and friends also live in NJ. I want to move there but my husband says he collects $16,000 a year in rents and wants to stay here even though he knows that I am very unhappy. My neighborhood has changed and I have no one here. I would like an adult community. My question is, should I move without him and hope he will follow, or stay here. Money is not a problem.

Hi Linda,

Thanks for writing...Unless your husband needs to be on property to constantly maintain it, he really should only need to be around his properties once a month to collect rent (if it isn't paid by the terms he set)...I would think that whether he lives in Brooklyn or NJ should not make much of a difference. I would lay everything out to him logically...Maybe he needs to see it all in front of him. Also, he might be very content in his lifestyle and the thought of moving just seems like too much trouble. Try to get him to see that if you are happy then both of you can be happier together...To start Living life again instead of merely existing...With the tragedy that happened in NYC, we all cannot take life for granted...Grab it, and Live it. I think he might come around if he sees the logic in what you are saying...Good luck, and take care.

Name: Sabrina
City: Brooklyn
Question: I had fallen in love with a wonderful man he knows me better than I know myself but the issue is we are both married we are so afraid of hurting are husband and wife. Well we thought it though and we try to stay apart my feelings are very strong for him I'm not too sure his are the same towards me. What should I or we do? Feeling lost in this issue thanks Sabrina

Hi Sabrina,

Thanks for writing...If you both are married, then why play with fire? You say you're afraid of hurting the partners of each of you...That says to me that your marriages must still have a lot of good qualities to them and that things with the spouses are not all that horrible...So why dabble? Work to make what is working in your marriage stronger and try to bring in the other aspects you find enjoyable in this extracurricular relationship to broaden your base with your real partner. If a marriage can be saved/worked on, then you should do all possible to do so...There's way too much divorce these days, and with the recent events that have woken this country up, we all need to focus on what's real in our lives... and that's family. Hope this helps, and good luck.

Q & A: "my husband has cheated on me and is the possible father to her baby"

2008-04-17T11:35:00.000-07:00

Name: Julie
Question: My husband and I used to live in Colorado and we moved to Wisconsin in 1992. Both of us missed the West and talked about moving back someday. We visited my brother in Albuquerque this past summer and we liked it there--we even looked around with the idea of possibly moving there. Now we are back in Wisconsin and my husband is pressuring me to make a decision as to whether I want to move to Albuquerque or not. The problem is that when I was in New Mexico I did enjoy myself, and thought I might want to live there, but now that I am back in Wisconsin, I am also content to just stay right here. My husband says he is tired of his job here and wants to start over someplace new-the someplace being Albuquerque. I understand how he feels and I don't want to hurt him or destroy his dream of moving back west. I have an overwhelming amount of anxiety about leaving and I cannot come to a decision. Should I just agree to move and see if I like it there? (I guess I might, and I would get used to living there in time.) Another issue that makes it difficult is that my sister and her two kids live here in Wisconsin and I will definitely miss them terribly. I feel as though I will be letting my husband down if I don't follow through with moving--after talking about it and looking at a potential city to move to. I cannot make a decision or get past the anxiety of leaving. Thanks for listening.

Dear Julie,

Thanks for your message...This is not so uncommon an issue as you might think, so don't feel bad...We all go through times of end-to-end decision swings. Take a look at it this way - You seem to be content with either moving or staying, aside from the fact that you'll miss family back in Wisconsin. Don't forget that you'd only be moving to Albuquerque, not Albania...You can always go back, they can always visit, etc....With this in mind, make a deal with your husband. He really wants to go and you can take it or leave it...So, hash out an agreement with him that you'll move out there and really give it your best shot at staying there. Give yourself 1, 2, 5, 10 years to adjust...Whatever you feel is a fair amount of time. If things go well, then you can stay there forever. If you just can't stand it, then you have your loophole where he agreed to move back if you're not satisfied. You're really moving out
there for him more than anything else, so he has to realize your sacrifice and agree to make you feel comfortable with the decision. Remember, there's no real finality in moving somewhere...You can always move back just as quick. Give it a try with the understanding that you two share...The only danger to this is that you'll always have that loophole in the back of your mind and you might not give New Mexico as truthful as a chance to grow on you if you had no other choice. Be fair and truthful
to yourself, the location, your husband, and the entire situation. There's a very good chance that when the time has passed, you'll have the same feelings about moving From there and you do now moving To there (That you're content there like you are now in WI). Hope this helps, and best of luck to you...

Name: Madchen
Question: I have been with my husband for 8 1/2 years and married for 4 1/2 years now, I just found out about a month ago that my husband has cheated on me and is the possible father to her baby. This happened in Oct - Jan of 99-00, I knew about him going out with her back then, but I believed him when he told me it was only 2 times and nothing happened between them. Now only to find out he has a baby with her. I know we had our share of problems, divorce was brought up a lot but no one ever did anything to pursue it, there was a lot of fighting and arguing, but I never ever thought he would actually go as far as cheating. Well, now I'm stuck in the middle, do I stay or do I go? I believe its over because she has been seen recently with someone else, and she is taking my husband to court for child support. Not only
that, but I guess I believe he is being sincere when he tells me it is over and that he really messed up and is sorry...the usual pleas of a male. I believe we want to work it out, but I just can't seem to get past this. I don't think I ever can. See the reason is not only because it is wrong to cheat, but also because I went through a lot with his x girlfriend who he has 2 kids with. I know this is embarrassing and I sometimes regret ever meeting him and being so blinded by what I really thought was and may still be LOVE. We have 2 boys of our own now and I'm just trying to do what I think will be best for them. He says he does not want a divorce but if it means I cannot see past his weakness and will keep bringing it up on a daily basis then he is all for a divorce. I cannot stand that he can actually say this to me, when I feel this should be totally MY decision! Can you please help?

Hi Madchen,

Thanks for writing...Hmmmm - This situation is certainly not the best one I could think of being in. I guess your decision to go or stay depends on how long you are willing to be a pincushion...So let me get this straight - He now has 5 children to support? And you have to share this burden and out of the 5 you can claim only two? Either you have the heart of a saint, or you were blinded more badly than even you are willing to admit. If you are even considering sticking around, then you have to demand that the two of you seek counseling. And then when you go, you have to share and listen. He has to take a look at it as not simply an exercise to smooth things over, but a real attempt to CHANGE...He obviously hasn't learned from his past, so things won't be any different in his future if drastic and focused steps are taken. You two have been together for a long time, and that's admirable...But he has to step up to the plate and treat you as a real partner...He's Got to see what a prize he has in you or else he'll find himself alone and pretty sad. Make him see it and make him for once treat you with the equality and love and partnership that you deserve. You've been there through all of his problems, and he has to realize that you haven't asked for anything but trust and honesty - And he consciously broke that trust. I normally would say for you to move on, but for some reason I still see a glimmer of hope (If you can actually forgive AND forget)...He has a long way to come before he's back in your good graces again. If he really tries, then maybe things can work out...If he keeps taking you for granted, then let him know how special you are to him by leaving - Only then will he see what he lost. And that's HIS fault - So keep on living Your life if you do leave... Don't look back. But first things first... Go to counseling. I hope this helps, and best of luck to you...

Q & A: "My mother in-law hates me"

2008-04-17T11:34:00.000-07:00

Name: Camille
City: Glasgow, UK
Question: I have a problem with my mum and my mother in law. I have been married for 8 months and in that time, my family have cut all ties with me, (this is because they really hate my husband - this is no-understatement). My mother in-law hates me because I married her son, who should have married someone else. I can't tell you how upset and guilty I feel. My husband knows I am upset, but I hide it from him, because he is also emotionally drained. I miss my own mum soo much, she was such a big part of my life. She won't call or come to visit me in my new home. Nobody wants to apologies or make amends, except me. I don't want to be the one that fixes this as then it will always be me that has to maintain it.....do you understand this theory. I am due to go in for a hip replacement within the next few months and want this resolved, just in-case anything terrible happens. My family might come round once they know that I am going into hospital again, but, I don't want that to be their deciding factor. I am 28 years old and my husband in 25. We have a great, strong relationship, except for families. Any advice would be gratefully received. Thanks
Camille

Dear Camille,

Greetings to Glasgow! I love it when I get international mail...Anyway, this situation sounds pretty sticky (Family situations most always are). If you were so close to your Mom and she is so against your husband that she cut off all ties, then she must have a strong argument against him that you haven't alluded to here. Perhaps she completely misunderstands him or she is very protective of you...Either way, it doesn't sound like it will be resolved easily. Without knowing a great deal about the situation, but understanding that it's pretty brutal, I think that even though you are against using your hospital visit to kick-start communication, you should use it. Desperate times call for desperate measures...If they come and see you or communicate more with you because of the surgery, then it shows that ultimately their love for you is very strong...They will come to see how you are doing because they love you and worry about your general well-being. Once they are there, you can talk to them about how their separation hurts you as well and how you need them in your life. It's not fair to have to choose between love of spouse and love of family. You must ask Both sides (Your husband and your family) to come to the table and solve their differences (or at least act humanely towards each other), if for nothing else than their love for you. Leverage everything you have to make it work since it's so important to you...Again, I don't know the history of the spat, but if they love you and want you to be happy, then most likely they'll swallow their pride for your sake...Hope this helps, and best of luck to you...Don't be a stranger...

Name: Travis
Question: I met this girl online from one of my friends who goes to my school, I fell for her she's very sweet and perfect and I met her yesterday, and she's very gorgeous I told her I like her and all and she told me she likes me a little bit and thinks I am really good looking. The problem is she has a boyfriend and she's told me she loved him but I am perfect in her eyes. I don't want to break them up but yet I want to be with her and I don't think she will break up with her boyfriend. So what do I do? I never met a girl like her!

Hi Travis,

Thanks for writing...Well, as far as off-screen (computer screen, that is) romance goes, I've heard love stories and horror stories...Just like regular life. The one thing that makes me wonder about this whole scenario is that if this girl loves her boyfriend as she claims, then why is she flirting with you and meeting you off-line? Imagine if she was Your girlfriend and you found out she was doing this very thing with someone else behind your back...I'd think you two wouldn't be together for very long. Even if she stays with her current boyfriend, what does that say about her character? That she's "testing the waters"? And she says that she likes you a little? Take anything she tells you with a grain of salt, just like her boyfriend should. Listen - There are plenty of girls out there who are beautiful inside and out, and guess what??? They're trustworthy too! Leave this one to learn her own lessons...Move on and find someone out there who will love you for you and be the kind of person that you'll never have to worry about stabbing your relationship in the back...Good luck to you, and spread the word about the site...

Q & A: "I met this wonderful guy at my cousin's wedding"

2008-04-17T11:29:00.001-07:00

Name: Diana
City: Chesapeake Beach
Question: I met this wonderful guy at my cousin's wedding in June. She lives two states away from me in North Carolina. I spent one night with him, and it was so wonderful. I felt like I knew him for a long time, even though I just met him. I left the next day to go to Florida. I get back to Maryland and to my surprise he calls me. But I never gave him my number or even said bye to him the next morning. He got my number from my cousin. Since then he has called me at least twice a week. He said he was coming to Maryland to see me. But I haven't heard from him in 2 weeks and I don't have his telephone number. He only has my phone number. What should I do? Every time I talked to him, he made me feel that he had feelings for me. But now I am not so sure. I like to think maybe he will show up at my doorstep as a surprise. He was coming up with my cousin, so I figure he will. But who knows! So what do you think I should do? Please help me. Thank you for your time.

Hi Diana,

Thanks for writing...It sounds like you had a singular encounter that turned out to be more romantic than you had thought...It seems like this person does like you since he actually worked at getting your number and has been keeping in touch with you. My advice is that you should get his number from your cousin and take some initiative instead of always waiting around. You left that morning thinking everything was just a one-night-stand, and he has pursued you...So you know that his interest level is definitely there. However, if you never show any interest back other than allowing him to talk to you and you not trying to communicate back, he might think you are a lost cause. Get on the phone and make things happen if you want them to. The only thing that
is holding you back from allowing this to grow is You...I hope it all works out for you...Take care, and please spread the word about the site...

Name: Kristen
City: Medford
Question: I have a problem... I tend to throw up after I eat. I don't do it all the time just once maybe 4 times a week. I don't think I am fat, but for some reason it seems to relieve stress or something. Please tell if me if I have a problem and what to do. I am so ashamed to ask anyone about it. Please help I am starting to get dizzy spells and I am really scared, but I cant stop, I need help...

Hi Kristen,

Thanks for writing...Well, it seems like you summed it all up right there...You do need help. If you have some kind of Bulimic tendencies, get yourself into a program right away...You might be ashamed to speak about it to someone in person, but it needs to be done. You said yourself that you realize it's a problem and that it doesn't make sense as to why it's recurring...You are now getting dizzy spells to boot...I'm not right next door where I can drive you to the doctor. But you have taken the initiative to realize your problem and ask for assistance...that's excellent. Now finish the course and speak to a doctor/psychiatrist about it. It may be a physiological problem, but I think it might be more mental than physical. Either way, it's for a professional to decide on...I hope this helps, and I'm proud of you for recognizing your condition and asking for help...Now go get some. Good luck to you, and don't be a stranger...

Q & A: "Mom wont let me date him but I am sort of in love"

2008-04-17T08:16:00.000-07:00

Name: Frances Castillo
Question: I have this boyfriend in jail and he doesn't get out until 2008. We love each other very much and we're talking about getting married. I just finished high school and am about to go to college. I want to wait but I know there are numerous opportunities out there for me. I don't want to risk it and end up getting pregnant again. I've been with him for
three years. What should I do?

Hi Frances,

Thanks for writing....Take a good look at what you wrote. I'm sure you have had a wonderful relationship with this guy, but how much is he really thinking of your future? Obviously not very much, or at least not enough to keep himself out of activities that land him incarcerated for 7 years... That's not what's considered the best kind of future planning... I'm taking for granted that you do Not have any children with him, so if you want to wait for him and be idle during some of the best years of your life, that's entirely up to you. I've never spent any time in jail, but from everything that I've heard, most people, especially after they've been in for several years, come out changed. He will be living a life much harder, difficult, and skewed than what we live on the outside. You are going to college... You have a chance to really take advantage of this opportunity (College) and set yourself up correctly for the future. If he really cares about you, then he'll realize this and will let you go and will tell you to forget about him. That would be the selfless thing to do on his part. If things work out and are meant to be, then you two very well could be there for each other when he's out. But you ever know what the future holds. If he comes out changed and you don't care for the way he is in 7 years, then you just hung out for nothing. I'd say move on and make the best of your opportunities. To not do so will only ensure that there are two tragedies in this relationship... Hope this helps, and best of luck...

Name: Alicia
Question: I like this guy and he is 23. I am 16 but I like him a lot! My Mom wont let me date him but I am sort of in love with me. I met him over the Internet and I want my Mom to come meet him with me but she says he's too old. What should I do?

Hi Alicia,

Trust your Mom...Any guy who is 23 looking to date a 16 year old obviously doesn't care about the Law, whether it be Moral Law or Criminal law. Depending on your state, he could be looking at some jail time for even trying to hook up with you for any type of sexual activity.

Run far away from this creep...Any guy who preys on younger girls over the Internet obviously doesn't have the right stuff to have meaningful relationships with women his own age. He's looking to control you and bedazzle you with his "maturity"... It's more like women his own age can see that he's not worth their time. You should see all the red flags waving in your face. I'm thinking that you meant to say you're sort of in love with him, but really look at that statement - How can you feel "love"
for someone you've never even met? Take yourself out of the situation for a moment and look at everything objectively - Put yourself in your Mom's shoes. Would you let your High-School daughter run off and meet a total stranger off the Internet who is 7 years older? I'm hoping you will say No Way! Don't let the comfortable detachment of the Internet cloud your judgment. Because you never spent any time with this guy, you're filling in all the unknown edges of your perception of him with fanciful thoughts, making him out to be more attractive to you than he normally would be
in real life. Stop filling in the gaps and hang out with someone in your own generation. Let this guy go to try and pick up other girls who just got their driver's licenses...What a loser. You deserve so much better...Take some time to look inside yourself and you'll realize that you are much more precious than you realize and you won't be giving desperate jerks on the Internet another second of your time, as well you shouldn't... Hope this helps, and best of luck to you.

Are You Obsessed With Him?

2008-04-14T09:53:00.000-07:00

10 tell-tale signs that your relationship has taken over your life.

1) You spend more than 45 minutes in Hallmark.

2) You put him in first position on your speed dial.

3) You do a web search for his name -- on every search engine.

04) You see nothing wrong with Glenn Close's attitude in Fatal Attraction.

5) You have an overwhelming urge to read the names on his post-it notes.

6) You know his daily schedule, and have committed it to memory.

7) You read his astrological forecast before reading your own.

8) You save and analyze all the messages he leaves on your answering machine.

9) You forgive and forget your ex-boyfriend(s).

10) You look forward to meeting his parents.

First Date Phenomenon

2008-04-14T09:51:00.000-07:00

Inevitably, there's something horrible that happens on a first date. It occurs without warning. Things are going well and then it happens. There's an uncomfortable, awkward silence.

Some people enjoy first dates. Then again some people enjoy airplane food. Personally, I'm not fond of either one. They both give me a stomachache. Airplane food I manage to avoid. But first dates are a necessary evil.

Inevitably, there's something horrible that happens on a first date. It occurs without warning. Things are going well and then it happens. There's an uncomfortable, awkward silence.

My last awkward silence encounter was a disaster. In my panicked attempt to fill the deafening silence, I began discussing intimate details of my life.

Ladies, this is dangerous territory. Try to avoid it at all costs. No matter what you say you will feel stupid the next morning for divulging such personal information. Avoid anything having to do with an ex-boyfriend, sexual experimentation in college, your original hair color, what you take for anxiety attacks, and anything spiritual. Stick with safe topics, such as; ethnic foods you enjoy, what you just bought at Pottery Barn, the strange squeak in your car, and why you hate your neighbor. Remember that this is only the first date. You'll have plenty of time to tell him about your "almost lesbian experience" and shoe obsession. If this is your first and last date, you'll be thankful he doesn't know more about you than your penchant for Indian food.

If you do, however, have too much Merlot and tell him that Deepak Chopra changed your life, make sure you find out if he ever cried at a Hallmark commercial. There’s comfort in blackmail.

Help With Low Sex Drive

2008-03-31T13:19:00.000-07:00

Problems with sex drive are to be expected if you are not enjoying sex - or do not get enough arousal to become orgasmic. Why should you want something that is not particularly enjoyable! Thus, if you are finding yourself not particularly excited by the sex that you are having with yourself or the sex that you and your partner are having, consider yourself normal for having a low sex drive. As you learn new ways to enhance your sexual pleasuring techniques, your sex drive, almost by default will increase.

If you are having trouble exciting yourself during masturbation:

Try using toys:

Lubrication: lubrication will help increase the pleasurable sensations by decreasing the friction often caused by sticky hands.
Dildos and/or vibrators : dildos and vibrators can be used for solo-intercourse. They can be used alone, or you combine them with manual stimulation. Furthermore, some dildos are designed to stimulate your g-spot, others will tickle your clitoris while penetrating you.
Pillows: squeezing your inner thighs around a pillow will enhance the sensations of masturbation ? no explanation is purposely given to explain this sensation. This is something you simply will need to take our word for.
Fast PC contractions: fast PC contractions causes you to feel an extra level of stimulation.
Water: let water drip from the water faucet onto your genitals and masturbate. This added sensation is completely outside of your control and may just add enough force to make it more exciting for you.
Books: sexy books helps set the mood, not to mention candles and soft music.

However, if it is your partner who is experiencing a low sexual desire, take some time to focus on how to sexually stimulate your partner. And if it is you who has the low sex drive, show this to your partner and talk about it with him/her.

Exciting your partner will require:

Communication skills (ie. being able to say what you like and dislike, what makes you comfortable and uncomfortable etc). Willingness to experiment (ie. you will never know what you like and or dislike if you do not try something). Trust (ie. trust that you partner is on your side, and that the two of you are working together).

If you and your partner are having 'sex drive' problems . . . one question that you might want to ask yourself is 'how committed are we to the relationship?' Are we talking about divorce? Are there any extra-marital affairs going on? Am I really willing to let down my guard and work on this issue? If you and your partner are able to honestly say that you are each 100% invested in this relationship, and want to improve your level of intimacy than you are ready to begin.

Having different levels of sex drive is one of the most difficult issues to resolve. There is no 'right' sex drive level. Normal is defined by the couple being in sink with each other. If both couples desire sex once a month, or once a day, then it is normal. However, for some people this may not be the case. For some, they have no trouble feeling sexually aroused or excited.... rather their low sex drive is a reflection of negative messages about female sexuality, fear of loss of control over sex drive, unpleasant reactions during sex, fear of pregnancy, STD's, depression, hormonal or medical issues, body image and aging concerns, partner attraction issues, issues of trust, issues of personal space and lastly lifestyle issues and marital conflicts.

Now that you have been able to identify the cause of your low sex drive. "Treatment" should follow accordingly.

1) Negative messages about female sexuality: Develop positive messages about female sexuality. To do this, you will need to explore where you got those messages from. Looking back in time, what were your parents attitudes, your peers, culture. How are these messages beneficial to you. Are these values something that you want. If not, ask yourself why you keep holding onto them. You may benefit from a woman's/men's empowerment group (depending on your gender), feminist literature or even a class taught from a feminist perspective.

2) The work ethic: You spend so much time working hard and trying to become successful, that sex becomes a low priority. Therefore no sex drive. Try scheduling more relaxing time into your day. Focus on the 'frivolous' sides of life. Get touch with the child in you. Schedule play time and time for sex.

3) Unpleasant reactions during sex: Sometimes people come to relationships with childhood trauma's (sexual abuse, rape etc.) therefore sex feels bad. Old memories are brought up. One way to resolve this problem is to put the person with the unpleasant reactions during sex in full control. Have that person for the next 2 months initiate all sexual contact.

4) Fear of loss of control over sex drive: as I have said before, letting yourself go, orgasm, will not change you as a person. You will decide how to act.

5) Fear of pregnancy: Use two forms of birth control and/or engage in all other sexual activities besides intercourse.

6) Depression: See a counselor. As your depression decreases, your sex drive will naturally increase.

7) Hormonal or medical issues: See your doctor. Your sex drive may be related to your hormonal level or medical issues.

8) Body image and aging concerns: see #1. Look in the mirror and begin telling yourself all the different ways in which your body DOES work for you. Are you able to sit, stand, run, dance, etc.

9) Partner-attraction issue: Talk with your partner about this. If his breath stinks, let him know this. Let him know that you feel more attracted to him after he brushes his teeth, or right after a shower.

Massage Parlors

2008-03-31T13:08:00.000-07:00

A Massage Parlor, you go in, you come out, but what happens when you are in there?

To somebody who has never been in a Massage Parlor, the facades seem sleazy and strange. I know before I went to work in one I thought they were places where girls were sold in to white slavery, full of big burly men, smoking cigars and laughing for no reason. You know the scene, a bit like a really old movie.

What I found instead were really nice 'normal' people, a nice set-up and no threats on my personal space unless I invited it. Now look, before I get inundated with emails telling me tales about the hardship of Thai girls and the like, I know, some places are real dives, but I was lucky, and did not allow myself to be in a position where I did not feel safe. But anyway, back to the customer. What can you expect and hope for when you go to a parlor.

If you have never been to a parlor before and want to go in your home town, talk to some of your mates, the local taxi driver, or somebody who might frequent these places If you are a visitor to a town that has a parlor, ask a taxi driver, or try and get into conversation with a hotel porter or bar person. Locals will know the best places to go, even if it takes a bit to get them to admit it.

Now in most massage parlors you are genuinely paying for a massage. A lot of places have sauna, steam and pool facilities as well as a lounge where you can watch TV, or porno movies. In the state where I worked, the desk was paid for the massage, and I negotiated 'extras' with clientèle within the time frame of the massage. The money I made in the room was mine, but I was not given any of the massage money. Now a lot of places operate like this, so if you genuinely want a massage you would be better to go to a gym or a health place. Ladies can get a bit 'shirty' if they think they have to massage you and they are not making anything out of it. If nothing else tipping is actively encouraged.

Now another thing is that in many places it is illegal for a girl to solicit money for sexual acts, yet it is not illegal for her to perform them or be paid for them. What this means is she can?t ask you straight out is you want sex for money. It would pay to check out the laws of the State you are in, but solicitation itself is illegal in a lot of places. If you have something in mind you can ask her. But I am getting ahead of myself.

When you are ready you are taken to your room with the girl of your choice. Bear in mind, I can only tell you what I used to do, but most ladies operate in the same way. So let's pretend it is me (I hope I am your type J). I would take you through to the room, and lock the door behind us both. Where I work we have our own shower and spa pool, plus a large massage ?bed?, with a small table beside. This is where I keep massage oil (it is usually baby oil), talcum powder, and a box of tissues. I wear lingerie so it does not take me long to get undressed. I like for you to have a shower first, and yes I will wash your back. Don't be embarrassed if it is your first time. I will be able to tell, but it is not a problem. I will ask you if you would like to hop in the spa pool with me if you are booked in for an hour. (Note here - no ladies 'massage' for an hour - they would be knackered by the end of the night). That can be a lot of fun, the bubbles are quite a sensuous experience. The spa pool is also a real ice breaker - you can ask anything you like in this intimate atmosphere.

If you are only booked for half an hour, we will probably forgo the spa and move straight to the massage table. Do you like oil or powder? Oil is a nicer massage, but powder is easier to wash off, the choice is yours. I start to massage you with you laying on your belly, from the bottom of your feet. I will move up your calves and thighs, paying particular attention to your inner thighs, and then up to your buttocks. Meanwhile we are talking, about sex. I can feel you squirm beneath my touch, and I take this opportunity to ask if there is 'anything' else you were wanting with your massage. Intercourse itself is not the only thing on offer. You can have a hand relief, or body massage, oral sex, or I can take you 'around-the-world'. A hand relief will cost you about $45.00, a body massage will be $60, oral sex is $80 and intercourse is $100. 'Around-the-world' is $120.00* and involves all of the above, a little bit of hand, a slide up your body (by me) and then back down again, for a bit of oral, and then when I think you can not bear it any more, I will move on top of you for sex. It is quite an experience.

Or are you looking for something a little more adventurous? I am the type of girl that will not say 'no' to anything, but you will be charged more. I will be happy to be your slave, or your mistress, you can cross dress (I have the equipment), I will happily play with toys of all shapes and sizes for your amusement. Are you a back-door fan or have you ever had a golden shower? Do you like a bit of rough stuff? Bondage? Or are you looking for a spanking because you have been such a naughty boy? Are you into a three-some? If you want to pay for a second girl, we will put on a lesbian show, just for you, you can join in. All things are negotiable, you just have to ask.

I know a lot of you men are shy, and not sure how to ask for things special. I try and make things easier while we are massaging, by asking you about your fantasies. Don't feel bashful, I don't know who you are, and it is your choice if you ever want to see me again, so just spill it out. That way I have some idea on what it is that turns you on. If you are going to stay quiet about things, then you could get disappointed. Ladies like us are not going to think you are weird, or sick, or anything else, this is the one place you can share your true fantasies.

Don't worry about watching your watch. We ladies know to a second when a half, three quarter or hour segment is up. You won't feel rushed, but we have a schedule to keep. You will be finished in time to have a shower, be dressed, and out the door, all in good time.

A word of advice here, condoms. Before you immediately think, 'no, I don't like them', think of this. The girls who do use them are conscientious about their health, and will take better care of yours. The girls that can be talked into not using them, even if they say they normally do, usually don't. They are looking for a fast dollar, without any thought for the consequences. No matter how urgent your need, I would suggest prudence is the better part of valor, and you get a different girl, or another place. The last thing you want to do is die, for your visit.

So the deed is done, now what? Well that depends on the time you have left and how you feel. It is OK just to shower, say thanks and walk out. It is also OK to sit and chat for a while, although a business-like person will probably try to get you to move on, so she can get to another client. In most places you are still welcome to use the facilities after your massage time. The whole thing is up to you. Many places have a discreet back entrance and you can be on your way, off into the real world, but hopefully, if your girl was good, you will have a smile on your face.