Thursday, April 17, 2008

Q & A: "the problem is that he is really shy!"

Name: Jade
City: Minneapolis
Question: Am I a fool for forgiving my fiance who kissed another girl, almost had sex with her (if they hadn't been interrupted), and now feels totally guilty about it, so much that he's been losing sleep, and going to church with my parents? If I'm not a fool then what can I do to heal, and learn to forgive him.

Hi Jade,

Thanks for writing...This is a toughie. Normally I would say for you to leave this guy groveling as he's the one who acted stupidly. Not much of a future if you're busting in on him with other women...So this bit about going to church is either a wake-up call for him, or an extreme measure of conniving on his part to try and keep you.

Do your parents know that he did this? I'm thinking not if they allow him to spend time with them. Or, they do know and think he's a project. If that's the case, get rid of him as your parents, even though they have the best intentions in the world, are being too involved in your relationship. Your love for them may cloud your own judgment and will be trying to please them through your relationship instead of being in a relationship that benefits you. I'm uncomfortable with his trying to sweeten up with your parents to soften you up...He should be proving himself to you, not them. If he's so sincere about his wrongdoing, then let him prove it to you and no one else. Have him go to church with You. It kinda seems like he's trying to backdoor his way into your good graces by schmoozing with Mom and Dad...You be the judge.

As for your own forgiveness, only you know the answer to that one. If you forgive, you obviously won't ever forget...but you have to allow him to think you have (and yourself as much as possible). What I mean by that is you cannot bring the past up as leverage all the time. It doesn't allow you to get past it, and it's unfair to him if he's really trying his best. If you constantly use it against him, the wound is always fresh for you, and the uphill battle for him never stops from being very steep. If you are going to forgive, make sure you're prepared to let the matter drop completely. Hope this helps, and best of luck to you...thanks for visiting the site!

Name: Val
Question: I'm going out with this really great sweet guy. But the problem is that he is really shy! I mean he won't even hold my hand much less ever kiss me. (We actually hug though!!! WOW!) What should I do? How should I make the first move?

Hi Val,

Thanks for writing...Let him know that you like him as well and that you want to hold hands with him. If he's really shy, you don't want to seem too pushy, but you also have to let him know what he means to you and that you are comfortable with this kind of more intimate contact. Maybe he's shy, or just a clueless gentleman...Make sure you communicate with him either way. Things will progress naturally so no need to push it too much...Hope this helps, and don't be a stranger...Good Luck.

Name: David
Question: there is this really fine girl in my class I do not now if she likes me or not she calls me emails a lot but I don't want to be shut down what should I do?

Hi David,

Try spending a little one on one time with her. Study together...Go get a bite to eat, take in a movie. Spend some quality time together and try not to focus so much on whether or not she's madly in love with you. Just be yourself and enjoy the time you spend with her. If things are meant to be, they'll progress. If not, then at least you have a great friend you care for. Hope this helps, and best of luck to you...

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