Thursday, April 17, 2008

Q & A: "So now that I have found a boyfriend he is mad with me"

Name: LaToya
City: Tampa
Question: I have a friend and we do every thing together like a couple but he has a girl friend. So now that I have found a boyfriend he is mad with me. So should I break up with my new boyfriend to go with my friend?

Hi LaToya,

Ummmmm...In a word, No. You're friends with this guy, and you're accepting that he has a girlfriend. He should be just as happy for you if you are truly happy with your new boyfriend. If he's against the relationship because he truly thinks that this new guy is bad for you that's one thing, but if he's just jealous because he's liking the fact he's getting attention from two women (You and his girlfriend), then he's not looking out for your best interest. He's never offered to break up with his girlfriend to be with you, so why should you have to sacrifice your own happiness just to appease him? Tell him you love him as a friend and never want to lose that friendship. If he accepts that, great...But if not, then tell him to suck it up and stop being such a baby. If he still has issues, then he's never been that great of a friend in the first place as he's not looking out for you...At least you've found out either way. Hope this helps, and take care.

Name: Jennifer
Question: I hope someone out there can help. I have been dating a man for two years and I love him dearly. He told me in the very beginning that he had a child from a previous relationship. I do not normally date men with children, but I made an exception for the first time. The child lives over 800 miles away so he does not get to see her often. My problem is this: I have basically ignored the fact he has a child and I guess have been in denial. How can I accept the fact that he has a child? How can I not be jealous of the unconditional love?

Hi Jennifer,

Thanks for writing...Well, you kinda hit it right on the head. You've been in self-denial. But you also have something on your side - 2 years of experience with this man. Have you felt left out? Have you felt unloved? Insecure in your relationship with him because of his daughter? It sure doesn't seem so. Otherwise, it doesn't seem to me that you would have stayed with him for two years already. Actually, it seems like you really haven't noticed he's had a daughter because of your pushing it out of your mind, and also because of the way he treats you. He must have been treating you with a lot of attention and care for you to actually forget he has a daughter until recently. So why should you be afraid now? Take a look at the last two years as proof that you will always be important to him. He loves you, and you have to respect the fact that he is a father and that he is certainly entitled to enjoy and share in the love of his daughter. He's got enough love for both of you (and he's proven it), so why worry? If you truly love him, you'll promote the relationship with his daughter if it is healthy as it benefits everyone. He deserves to have your own unconditional love and be free to love his daughter fully, and also to receive that love from his daughter. Conversely, his daughter deserves to have a father...You obviously think very well of him, so don't you think his daughter can benefit from time with him? And don't you think that if you accept (and grow to love) the daughter and try to understand everyone's point of view that you all could benefit from spending time together? I'm not certain why now after two years you are suddenly insecure, but for now it's unfounded as you already know the track record with this guy. If the relationship was new, I can somewhat understand your self-centered view... But after this much time, you should get over yourself and really look at the situation as reality. He has a daughter, he loves you, and you've been happy with him for two years. Open your eyes and your heart, and you all can keep this going for a long time to come...Maybe one day you two will have children together and then you can understand how unfair it is to be jealous of the love shared between a parent and child. Hope this helps, and best of luck to you.

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