Thursday, April 17, 2008

Q & A: "Should I tell my mother, should I confront him, or should I say nothing?"

Name: Kristin
Question: I used to work with this guy, Joel, and since I no longer work with him, I decided to have my older sister go see him at his workplace and get his e-mail address for me. However, it's been like 2 weeks and he still hasn't responded. I've made other attempts like call the store to talk to him and he was busy working-he works overnights only 2 days a week, so anyway, this past Saturday, my sister went to make another attempt for me and he told her that it would be easier for me to come in and personally see him, instead of calling him, so my question is, why couldn't he just want me to call him, why do I have to go chase him after I've made several attempts for him to get a hold of me? Does he like me or what? Also, he goes to school 5 days a week and wants to become a fashion designer, so I know he's really busy between school and work. But how can I tell if this guy's playing a game with me or if he's too shy and wants me to go after him? Please help me!

Hi Kristen,

Ummm...take a look at what you wrote - You're already chasing him! Actually, your sister has more interaction with this guy, so it might make more sense for her to date him...Okay - All kidding aside - In one point, he's right that you should actually go see him for a couple of reasons. First, it simply might be easier since it does sound like his schedule is tight. Second, it goes back to your sister doing all the talking...When are YOU going to have some interaction with this guy instead of your sister? She has all kinds of time to go visit him on your behalf, but you don't have any time to see him yourself? Now for the other "flip side" point....What are you doing? You can't force a guy to like you...He might be very busy, but he also might not be all that keenly interested, to tell you the truth. If you keep pushing him, you'll blow your chances altogether. Quit trying to push things...Have a more self-respect as well. On one hand you want a very specific reaction from him in the exact way/mannerism you want...If that happens the way you plan it, great! But normally life isn't that predictable...Then on the other hand, you get mad because he isn't wanting you to call him...He'd rather have you come see him - Isn't that ultimately what you want? To spend actual time with him instead of over the phone? It sounds like you're making too much of all this. Quit guessing and go get some answers to make everyone happy. Do all three of you (your sister included) a favor - Go see him. Right then and there you'll get some kind of closure - That he's interested in spending more time with you (Yea!), or that he not interested in spending more time with you and you can be free to move on from this (His loss)...Hope this helps, and best of luck to you...


Name: Mike
Question: I'm 21 year old guy and still live at home. Recently my parents marriage has been strained [to say the least]. My dad has been acting distant lately, and I've done something I probably shouldn't have. I checked his e-mail yesterday and my worst fears were confirmed. He is having an affair with some other woman. There were several explicit e-mails from this woman in his inbox and it is clear they have been seeing each other for quite some time. Now I don't know what to do. Should I tell my mother, should I confront him, or should I say nothing? I'm leaving home in a couple of months, but I really don't think that just letting it lie is a valid choice.

Hi Mike,

You are definitely between a rock and a hard place here. Obviously your parents need to work things out...Your Dad needs to drop the affair, and the two of them need to go to counseling. If you want to avoid confrontation with your Dad, then talk your Mom into pushing for the counseling. There's a good chance that the affair will come out then. If he balks at the idea to her, then you can pull him aside and let him know you know about his affair. You can say that you mistakenly came across his email and if he gets mad, it's really his own fault as he should have been more careful if he really wanted to keep his infidelity a secret. Now you were wrong in fishing around someone's private information, but the situation you found weighs a lot more that your breaking his trust...he's been breaking your family's trust for some time. With that card in your hand, you can get him into counseling...He has to see that his actions affect more people than just himself...

I'm thinking it would be better for everyone if your Mom found out from him. If she found out from you, it would underscore her own perceived stability as a Mother, and also will make her feel lessened that she's the "last to know." Finding out will be bad enough, so it would be better if she still had some dignity left when this comes out. You all have a lot to sort out, and your Mom and Dad have some serious holes to patch up...Do what you can to get them into counseling before you leave home...That time alone will be good for them to sort things out, and good for you to focus on your future as well. I hope this helps, and best of luck to you...


Name: Jenny
City: Austin
Question: I have a problem, I can't tell if a guy like me like that or just a friend and I don't know how to flirt without embarrassing myself will you help me with this problem? Thanks!

Hi Jenny,

Thanks for writing...When all else fails, just be yourself. You don't have to flirt with someone if you like them...Just talk to them at first to ease your own fears. Then, if the conversation is going well and you're feeling more comfortable, set up a time when the two of you can spend some time together...The more he gets to know you and you get to know him, the more comfortable and open you'll become, and you'll be great friends at least - and maybe more than just friends if everything works out...At least this way, it's not all or nothing and you're not embarrassing yourself - All you are doing is fostering a good friendship, and if something more happens, then it's icing on the cake...Hope this helps, and take care.

Name: Rachel
City: Auburn
Question: I am a 19 yr. old female and lost. I have dated all sorts of guys but no matter what every relationship I get into is a continuous cycle. First, I feel soooo in love - like there could never be another. That feeling can last from a week to a couple months (the longest one was 7 months) then out of nowhere this bad energy takes over and all I can think about is getting out - and this can just happen over night, I don't ever see it coming. How could I be so lost then all-of-a-sudden fall into reality and walk out of the what I thought was the best relationship I'd ever been in? Weird part is that this happens with every single I've ever dated, not one of them similar... I guess realizing this for the first time makes me think maybe I won't ever be satisfied with anyone - scary thing is what if I don't realize he's not the one till it's too late? I am just looking for an opinion from a mind that's not haunted by this. Thanks.

Hi Rachel,

Don't be hard on yourself....it sounds like you haven't been in Love as of yet. You've been deep in infatuation and lust, but not that feeling of love...Love can be as poignant as infatuation, but it also gives you a lasting sense of peace and comfort that infatuaion doesn't - and that's something that you haven't experienced yet. These overnight changes in moods might very well be reality checks that you're giving yourself...You realize you're having fun, but you don't want to end up with that particular person for the rest of your life...Don't give up hope! The One Perfect Guy for you can be met tomorrow, next week, or the next time you walk around a corner. Just be happy within yourself, concentrate on your own future and well being, and things will come...One day you'll know what true Love is all about and you won't have it interrupted by negative thoughts as it is so right...Hope this helps, and best of luck to you...Please spread the word about the site and don't be a stranger!

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