Thursday, April 17, 2008

Q & A: "she only loved one other person in her life"

Name: Leanna
City: Sparks
Question: My dad just recently got married to a Russian lady with a 12 year old daughter. The two do not speak English very well and they are taking classes to learn. My dad has only known her for 3 months, and now he keeps regretting marring her and always tells me that they are moving out and then they don't end up moving out. Sometimes he gets so frustrated with the communication barrier and he regrets ever meeting her. This is putting me through a lot of stress because I am attempting to get close to my new step Mom and step sister but I am so sick of getting close to people because they always leave me in the end and it is so hard for me. I get so attached to people such as my Mom who moved to Vegas last year and my best friend of 4 years that is moving in two weeks. So I don't know what I should do and what I should tell my dad. He knew what he was getting into but he changes his mind so fast. And of course it doesn't help when he drinks, which is only once in a blue moon but when he does drink, one beer affects him like 10 and he changes so much. My stepmom does not understand why he changes like that. Should I continue getting close with them or keep to myself?

Dear Leanna,

Hi there...This is a tough one for sure. I can't say how long this step mother and her daughter will be around. The only thing I can say is that you have to learn to be comfortable within yourself and then you won't have to worry so much about getting close (dependent) to people. Who knows what the future holds? Since no one really does, then try to make the best of it....If they stay around, then at least you are close to them...There's never anything wrong with making people feel loved and safe. I'm sure they have a lot of fears themselves...If they leave, then at least you know in your heart you did what was right and that you treated them well. Also sit down and tell your Dad how you feel about things as well...Let him know that his decisions affect more people than just himself. I'm sure he knows this, but sometimes people lose focus or forget that there's other feelings/lives involved. I hope this helps, best of luck to you, and keep in touch.

Name: Amanda
Question: The father of my child received papers today at work for child support. We had our own arrangement between the two of us about child support and visitation but the state is the one pressing the issue because we are not married. I didn't know anything about this and now he thinks that I am lying and that I am trying to mess up his life. Now he says that he will not have anything to do with me or the child if I don't stop. He thinks that I did this to him. How do I get him to understand?

Dear Amanda,

Thanks for writing...This one's a little tough...He could be using this as a crutch to get out of the situation as there's a distinct possibility that the set up he has with you now is more beneficial to him than the one the state wants to impose. That might be worth looking into as your current agreement with him might not be as fair or to your advantage as you may realize. However, if you feel the arrangement is adequate, then surely you might have some kind of "character witness" - a friend, coworker, relative, someone from the state - who can say some kind words to him in your defense. Just remember one thing...If he's so willing to give up his relationship with your child because of legalities that he doesn't agree with, then it doesn't seem that his child is very high ranked in his mind...I hope this helps, and best of luck to you...

Name: Sheryl
Question: Here's the problem. It is quite serious. I was married for 13 years very unhappily. He is a manic depressive. I left him while he was out of town. It took two long scary years to get a divorce. We have no children. He has been ordered not to have any contact with me. I have not spoken to him the whole time because he feeds off of contact. Today I received a certified packet of letters, copies of our marriage certificate, and many other things from the past. He said I knows I am just ashamed and that is why I won't come home. He says he still loves me and I can come back home and we can work things out. He says its OK because everyone makes mistakes. We have been divorced for two years now. My question is, should I write a letter stating just the facts, let it go or contact a specialist who can tell me what to do in this situation? I am finally happy and I wonder if he just needs some closure or does it matter what I do? (He will still be completely obsessed with me) I need some serious advice for a serious problem. Remember he is unstable and has stalked me before I changed my name, residence, job, etc.

Dear Sheryl,

Hi there...Yes, it is serious. First off, if you want to get help from a specialist, by all means do so. These things are not to be taken lightly...Especially if he's contacting you after being ordered away. Now, for some layman's free advice - Stay away. No need to backtrack and dig up so much that you've gone through great lengths to leave behind you. Look at everything you've done to leave this person (and that life) behind....You've already said you're finally happy - So live your life...If he feeds off of contact, then why entice it? If he treated you so badly and you went through such trials and tribulations to change your whole life just to get away from him, then why even tempt fate? Let him seek professional help on his issues of being a manic depressive...You can't help him and wouldn't be a help to him (or yourself) by going back to him. You've changed ships, floated on to a new sea...Open your sails and explore what life has to offer you...I hope this helps, and best of luck to you...

Name: Natasha
Question: One day I was talking to my grandmother and somehow we got on the subject of love. She said that she only loved one other person in her life besides the one that is in her life now. She said this at first and then changed it to saying it was lust. She said it lasted over a year or so. I am going to ask you the same questions I asked her: How do you know that it's lust? I wanted to know because my grandma described it as being the butterfly's in the stomach and paying attention to looks and stuff like that. The reason I'm asking this is because I'm in a relationship with a guy that I love. We have been together for almost a year and we are best friends, laugh, cry, hate and love together. But if it ends would I think that it was just lust like my grandma did? Please help! Thanks!

Hi Nancy,

Thanks for writing...I think you're Grandmother might be using the term "lust" pretty loosely. I believe that she wants you to know that Love is everlasting...Sounds like hers lasted a long time. But a person can Love more than once...She might have said that to also make herself feel a little better as well...

If you are best friends with this boy, AND you feel you love him (and he feels the same toward you), then I'd say it is love. You Grandmother might have had a very passionate relationship (that might explain the butterflies and attention to the physical aspects) with this other man many years back, but perhaps she had no real friendship or basis of a rounded relationship with him...If that's the case, then it's possible for her to feel it was Lust, and not Love. However, for you, since you listed friendship first, I'd gather the friendship is the cornerstone of your relationship with him, and that makes me comfortable in saying you're most likely in Love...So don't worry about it. Enjoy your sounds like the real thing. Good luck, and please spread the word about
the site...

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