Thursday, April 17, 2008

Q & A: "Our sex life after the birth of our 1st baby has been nonexistent"

Name: Teresa
Question: Hi, I am a female, 20 years of age. A lot has taken place over the past few months, and though I feel that I can best answers these questions for myself, from myself, I feel an outside opinion valuable. I was dating this guy for over a year and we broke up. So I began to move on, met this new guy, who although is wonderful, has some setbacks. We never started a relationship because I felt I wasn't ready, or wasn't completely over my ex-boyfriend. Recently I talked to my x, it was completely unexpected because we haven't spoken or seen each other in months. Sadly, I say we did see each other and had sex. This made me feel very sad and disappointed in myself. I did talk to the new guy and told him and he was completely crushed. I do understand that I hurt him. I discussed with the new guy that I think it would be best that I have sometime to myself to reevaluate my feelings. I didn't feel a longing for my x, but I did in fact miss him. I have talked to my x and told him that it was in our best interest if we didn't reopen a relationship and that in time I would like to be his friend. In conflict, my x and I didn't use protection and there is a possibility I may be pregnant (not a smart move). I have also discussed this with my new guy. That hurt him even more. I do not feel I am ready to be a mother, I am starting school this fall and it would totally interrupt with my future plans. I have had a procedure done before and I am still feeling the emotional effects from it. The new guy, however has vowed to say by me through this all which shows me he has great loyalty to me even though I hurt him. I was just thinking of this, maybe thinking too much, for I have lost sleep, or slept too much. I have missed a day from work and am still feeling really distraught. Thank you for listening to my problems and taking the time to respond. As I said I feel an outside opinion is valuable.

Hi Teresa,

You certainly have a lot on your mental plate there. You didn't really ask a pointed question, so I'll answer everything in general. First off, let's deal with the immediate - Your worries about being pregnant. Abortions do take an emotional toll that sometimes is unexpected. We're all human in that aspect. However, until you know for sure, don't waste your mental energy worrying about it. If you are in fact pregnant, then you'll have that knowledge behind you once confirmed and can really take a hard look at your options. If you aren't then you dodged a bullet so to speak, as you don't seem ready to take on that kind of responsibility right now. Let's hold off on the sleepless nights until you actually know.

Secondly, you have this new person in your life that is promising to be by your side even though you haven't solidified a relationship with you. Extremely honorable and nice of him, and that does show a lot of character. However, I think since you guys sound relatively young, I fear this may be misguided. He might be allured more by playing the part of a Hero to a Damsel in Distress and doesn't realize the enormous emotional/financial/spiritual/mental demands that little bundle of joy brings - and that's if the baby's planned for! I fear that he may be very honest in his want to stay by your side, but the door is so very wide open for him to leave - He really hasn't established a relationship with you, the child is not his, you've already betrayed his trust (even though the two of you weren't officially an item). I'm not saying he can't be there for you, but I just don't want you to get complacent and rely on someone who might not be there the next day, and who could really blame him...At some point his self-respect (pride) will put him to the test.

Your liaisons with your ex and problems with this new boy stems from the fact that you haven't learned to stand on your own feet yet. You are smart and sure of yourself, but I'm thinking it's hard for you to be alone. You crave relationships (which inherently is nothing wrong - we all wish to be in Love), but I think you need to discover more about yourself first. You're too dependent on having someone in your life. If you are with child and decide to keep it, then I think you'll go through a period where you'll be forced to live on your own (with the child of course) as your ex will bail and this new guy will eventually find someone else. I could be completely wrong, but for some reason I'm picturing this (I've seen similar situations before)...I know you wrote that you weren't ready for a relationship, but you still have this new guy (or your ex) around in the picture. That's what I'm talking about. The new guy is hanging around and spending time with you, even though you are trying to convince yourself you're keeping him at arm's length (actually you're not). I'm hoping you'll have the freedom to be sure of yourself, be comfortable within yourself, and have the ability to Want and Choose to be involved with someone, instead of Having to be involved with someone...Big Difference. Wouldn't it be nice, though? Anyway, hope this helps..Thanks for visiting the site and please spread the word about it. Best of luck to you!

Name: Lorainne
City: Orlando
Question: Everyone keeps on telling me that they want me to die. And it's driving me crazy. Plus, I'm sick of me. What should I do?

Hi Lorainne,

You certainly don't need such negative vibes...People who are mean to you and have no interest in you or your future are not worth your time. Stick with those whom you know love and care for you - Your family. Also, never feel that you are sick of you...You are an ever growing, improving, aspiring person who has much to contribute this world. Sometimes we all get in a rut, but that's all it is - A little bump that we'll roll right through on this road of life. Keep your chin up and know you are a beautiful person inside and out...If anyone says anything different, then they obviously are blind. If you ever have doubts, call up your parents or brother/sister...they'll make sure you know you are loved and special...And if you ever feel that you need further assistance, counseling is always an alternative. No matter what, never give up hope - There's tons of support out there for you. Hope this helps, and please don't be a stranger...take care.

Name: Roy
City: Ireland
Question: Our sex life after the birth of our 1st baby has been nonexistent after 14 months. Is this common, how do we go about recovering our sexlife? Our marriage is wonderful, we do get along great otherwise, we both lead very busy lives, etc., I have a business that takes up a lot of my time, and my wife also works full time. But, sadly, the spark for sex has not happened for us. What do we do? I'd love to hear your opinion?
Thank you.

Hi Roy,

Greetings to Ireland!!! First off, congrats on the birth of your first child....What a wondrous experience! With the new addition in the house, the newly skewed sleep schedules, the newly learned responsibilities, and the new addition of mental stress about being new parents, thrown on top of the everyday stresses of life, job, marriage, work, and home ownership, a lot of times intimacy takes a back seat and is sadly left in the corner...Where did all the good times go? Where did the free time to be spontaneous and romantic fly off to? You are not experiencing a new phenomenon...this happens to a lot of couples.

It takes a little time to get back into the driver's seat of your life once you have a child. Now that your child is some 14 months old, hopefully you know a good sitter (nearby family is always the best, and cheapest) that you can leave the baby with for a good part of the evening, and spend some quality time with your wife. Talk to each other...Find out what's going on in each other's lives (aside from the child)...Hold hands, go for a walk, go out to dinner, go to a book/music store together, take in a film, look into each other's eyes...Go on a DATE. This little foray into each other's lives is often all it takes to rekindle that spark...

Right now you sacrifice so much of yourselves for the sake of the child that you sometimes forget your own needs. There's nothing wrong with taking an evening to find yourselves. Remember, that child, even though it is a fantastic addition to your family, is the one who is joining an already strong union. Keep that union going and make sure to keep your relationship with your wife on the front burner. All too soon that child will be out of the house and making a life for its own, and you and
your wife will be left behind to your own devices...If your relationship still has the attention it needs, you'll be fine whether the children are around or not...Hope this helps, and please spread the word about the site. Don't be a stranger...

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