Thursday, April 17, 2008

Q & A: "My wife does not sleep in our bed with me any more"

Name: Orla
City: Co. Armagh
Question: Hi I am a very shy person and it is getting me down. People think I am confident but am not. I always worry about what other people think of me, although I am not as bad as I was 2 years ago I am still quite timid, and have problems in standing up for myself. I don't know what to do anymore. Please help

Dear Orla,

Hi there...thanks for writing. Shyness is no reason to feel down...Don't forget that sometimes, those people who are extra loud and gregarious in situations can sometimes be trying to cover a perceived flaw in themselves or overcompensating for their own discomfort. I've heard from quite a few "popular" people that sometimes, they feel just as lonely and vulnerable as anyone else. Shyness and worrying about what others think really comes from within. So let's start there...

Take a good look in the you like what you see? If you don't, why not? List them out for yourself...and then take a look in the mirror and list out the things that you feel are good and like about yourself. This exercise can seem kinda weird, but it's a good exploratory look into what kind of person you perceive yourself to be. Now I'm willing to bet that the things you list on the negative side will be mostly superficial things ("I don't like the color of my hair", or, "My nose is too large/small", or "I wish I had better earlobes"), and the things that you list on the positive side are much more meaningful ("I'm a good person to others", or, "I'm a trustworthy and loyal friend", or "I can learn things quickly and have a good head on my shoulders").

Now that you have your two lists, one of negative superficial aspects, and one of meaningful positive aspects, really compare them. Then think about it in broad terms...If someone doesn't like you because of the type of person you are inside (your positive list), then maybe it's time to address that issue and take an honest and objective look at it. However, if someone doesn't like you for superficial reasons your negative list), then you have to ask yourself - "Is that person worth my time? I know who I am, and if he/she can't appreciate me for me, then they don't deserve my precious time". Once you have this kind of attitude, it is one of self-confidence. Don't worry, you're not being pompous or arrogant thinking this way, for you are not saying you are better than anyone else, but that you know who you are...If someone doesn't realize who you are and is not willing to find out, then you don't have time for them...You have bigger things to concentrate on.

Now of course, this is a pretty rudimentary exercise I just listed...If you feel that your shyness is something you can't overcome on your own (It sounds to me like you can since you've already noted progress from two years ago), then seek professional help. They will really get you going in the right direction. I hope this helped, and thanks so very much for writing. Take care, don't be a stranger, and please spread the word about the site...

Name: Francesca
City: Dolton
Question: I know I have asked you questions before, but now I need advice how to really forget about someone you really still love but in the past they did you wrong and now you just want to forget about this person. Now what can I do to forget about him !!!!

Hi Francesca,

Never worry about writing me...That's what the website's for! You may ask as many questions as you wish...As for your question, it sounds like it's time to get some of your self-respect in order...If this person has done you wrong, then you have to realize it as it is. It sounds like you are already doing that, and that's good. You also have to realize that you must love yourself before any other...And remember, from what you've written in the past, it doesn't sound like he cares for you very much, especially after all the stuff with his stepbrother and your best friend. I think that you might be confusing your own love of Being in Love with actual feelings of true Love. It's great to be in a relationship with someone, but that relationship has to be Healthy and Right for both of you.

You are a good person, so never forget that. You deserve to be treated the best way possible, and should never have to Settle. If someone doesn't treat you correctly, then drop him/her and move on. The Life of Francesca is going to be as glorious as you wish to make it...If you want to attain the highest heights, then you have to set your mind to them and not deviate. Other people will come and go in your life, but you have to make the honest assessment of them whether they are positive to your life and goals, or if they are a detriment/distraction.

Once you have these goals in mind, and you are concentrating on making Francesca the very best person you can be, you'll quickly realize that your time is much better spent getting on with your own thing; and you'll eventually have problems remembering this guy, rather than having problems forgetting about him... I hope this helped, and thanks again for writing. Please spread the word about the website, and come back anytime...

Name: Sam
Question: I have a problem. My wife does not sleep in our bed with me any more for at least 4 years. We make love maybe once every six weeks. I love her very much and have not had an affair but she is very distant what do I do? I want her back - Sam

Dear Sam,

Thanks for writing...Be honest to yourself...How's the romance in your marriage? Can you say that you've gone out of your way in the past week/month/year to make her feel extra special? To make her feel loved, sensual, and attractive? I'm saying this because most times when a husband says his wife is distant, it's because the husband isn't doing anything to make the wife feel like she wants to be closer to her man in the first place.

If she's very distant, Bring Her Back Into Your Life...Let her know what's going on in your life...Be interested in what's going on in hers. Communicate with her...Share your thoughts about everything... Really talk to her and spend some time getting to know her again...I'd wager she'll spend the time to get to know you again as well. Be honest and open with your feelings of Love for her, and things should hopefully turn out all right. I hope this helped, and thanks for visiting the site...

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