Thursday, April 17, 2008

Q & A: "my spouse has no idea about this other relationship"

Name: Jennifer
Question: I am a 30 year old single mom who has been dating a man for 1 1/2 years. He moved in with us last September. I thought this was the man of my dreams but as time goes on I am starting to think that he is not. I recently have been feeling attracted to someone I have known for 2 years. We have fooled around a little bit over the last month and this past Saturday ended up in bed together. This "other man" is not what I would call the "ideal" mate but I am very attracted to him and we have a lot of fun together. Now that I have crossed that line, I feel like I can't go back to my boyfriend. I have suggested to him that we should move apart for a while but he is totally against the idea. I know I love and care about him. My children are very attached to him also. I am so confused!! Can you help me?

Hi Jennifer,

That's quite the pickle you're in...First thing's first...Take care of your relationship with your boyfriend. He's Living with you and your children's emotions are involved. Do you feel that things have gotten a little stale and that's why you're seeking elsewhere? If so, make sure that you really look inside yourself to know that you have tried everything in the book to make this current relationship work. If you haven't, then try to make it more lively, etc. This man is inside your home and in your heart and the hearts of your children. They've already lost one father figure, and if he is truly good to them and he really treats you well, then that's definitely something to consider. If the romance is wearing off, then take steps to try and rekindle it. You owe it to yourself, your kids, and him to make it work if you truly love him. He's accepted the role of being a "dad" to your kids, and not every guy off the street will do that and actually put his heart into it. Really think this one over and give it a shot. It very well might turn out that you have everything you are searching for right there at home...Seriously cool it off with the other person until you figure this all out...If he cares for you and your family, he'll understand what you are trying to do...If he doesn't, then he has more selfish motives in mind and probably doesn't have your household's best interest at heart. Give the guy who is actually living with you and being a father to your children an honest shot...If you put as much attention to him as you did to the new guy, you might get the best of both worlds - A person you find yourself very much attracted to, and someone who will receive your love and return it in kind to you and your kids...Give it a shot! Hope this helps, and best of luck to you...

Name: PJ
City: Lexington
Question: I desperately need some advice!! I am 35 years old and have a spouse and two children 11 and 10!! I met this guy over this internet at a time in my life when my marriage was really rocky. This man traveled all the way for New Orleans to Lex, KY to see me. We have been in continual contact since. E-mail, telephone.......mail. He also calls me at work every time he gets a chance. I am not interested in this relationship anymore. My spouse and I have ironed out our problems and my spouse has no idea about this other relationship. How do I call it quits?? He e-mails me everyday, cuts in on my Instant Messenger as soon I log on......etc..... Please help me. I need to end this ASAP!! Thank you.

Hi PJ,

Great name! Anyway, sticky situation you are in for sure...If this guy in LA cares one iota about you, then tell him that you have to break things off in order to fix your life. If he truly cares for you, he'll understand...if not, then he's more selfish and needy than you realize (but it sounds like you already know he's needy)...Thank him for being there for you, blah, blah, blah. You really put the effort into creating this situation, so now you will have to work in correcting it and hopefully learn from the experience. Tell him that you really need some space and that your husband's getting suspicious. I never condone lying, but if this person just doesn't get it, then you have to do what you have to do. Get rid of the IMs as that's what got you in trouble in the first place. Have someone at work screen your calls if possible. If he cares for you, then he should stop and move on. He's got to realize he has no future in this and get on with his own life...If it escalates, then you might have to actually get your husband involved and come clean. That's not an easy fix by any stretch, but if this person turns out to be dangerous, then you will have to take larger steps to protect yourself and your family. You introduced a stranger into your life, and it can be fixed as easily as him just walking away to being as difficult as getting the law involved...I wish you the best of luck in this...

Name: Anastasia
City: Salt Lake City
Question: I'm about to graduate this month. But I don't know what to do after I graduate. Should I go to college, even if I don't feel ready, or should I just wait?

Hi Anastasia,

Congrats on your upcoming graduation! What a wonderful and hectic time in your life...If you feel that you are ready for college, then is a wonderful and extremely fulfilling experience that I condone 100%. It will stimulate your own growth on many different levels and prepare you (somewhat) for the next steps in life. However, if you feel that you might not be ready, that's something that you have to consider. The best thing to do is to seek the advice of those who know your situation the best - Your family, friends, counselor, clergymen. If you need time, then work on what you enjoy and then slowly build yourself up to taking that step. Talk it out with your parents and with those whose opinions you hold dear. Through their love for you and your own ideas, I'm sure you'll come to the right conclusion. Although you always have time in the future to go to college, right now is a great time purely for convenience sake as you don't have any other responsibilities (Job, Mortgage, your own family) that demand your attention. I'm not saying you have to rush your decision, but if you envision a part of college life as living in a dorm on campus, then the near future is probably going to give you the greatest opportunity to go to college with that kind of freedom. Again however, you are under no pressure or rush job. College is always a viable option in the future, whatever stage of life you happen to be in. I hope this helped, and please don't be a stranger!

Name: Melissa
Question: Please help me, I have gained 36 pounds in less than 3 months. I have nothing to wear and I'm only 16. What should I do? I have no money, and when I diet everyone makes fun of me. Please help me I need advice and some fast!

Hi Melissa,

Thanks for writing...That's a pretty serious weight gain in a short amount of time.
Are you eating because you're depressed about being made fun of? If you are, you're kinda contributing to the overall problem and will not solve anything... That's a pretty vicious cycle your getting yourself into...If this is the case, then talk to
your school counselor. It won't cost you anything, and they have the resources to
try and assist you. If your diet and daily routine hasn't really changed, you should
go see your doctor. You might have some kind of overactive thyroid problem or medical condition. If you're overeating simply because you find comfort and solace in food, then you need to reassess things.

Be happy within yourself and really get to know who Melissa is and what makes you tick. Remember that you have a lot to offer this world and that you cannot live your life by the ideals of others...You have to live by your own dreams and aspirations. Make yourself happy and strive to be content within your own skin. Once you achieve that viewpoint, then you'll know that anything anyone else says is mere idle chatter...Hope this helps, and best of luck to you. Keep in touch...

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