Thursday, April 17, 2008

Q & A: "my husband has cheated on me and is the possible father to her baby"

Name: Julie
Question: My husband and I used to live in Colorado and we moved to Wisconsin in 1992. Both of us missed the West and talked about moving back someday. We visited my brother in Albuquerque this past summer and we liked it there--we even looked around with the idea of possibly moving there. Now we are back in Wisconsin and my husband is pressuring me to make a decision as to whether I want to move to Albuquerque or not. The problem is that when I was in New Mexico I did enjoy myself, and thought I might want to live there, but now that I am back in Wisconsin, I am also content to just stay right here. My husband says he is tired of his job here and wants to start over someplace new-the someplace being Albuquerque. I understand how he feels and I don't want to hurt him or destroy his dream of moving back west. I have an overwhelming amount of anxiety about leaving and I cannot come to a decision. Should I just agree to move and see if I like it there? (I guess I might, and I would get used to living there in time.) Another issue that makes it difficult is that my sister and her two kids live here in Wisconsin and I will definitely miss them terribly. I feel as though I will be letting my husband down if I don't follow through with moving--after talking about it and looking at a potential city to move to. I cannot make a decision or get past the anxiety of leaving. Thanks for listening.

Dear Julie,

Thanks for your message...This is not so uncommon an issue as you might think, so don't feel bad...We all go through times of end-to-end decision swings. Take a look at it this way - You seem to be content with either moving or staying, aside from the fact that you'll miss family back in Wisconsin. Don't forget that you'd only be moving to Albuquerque, not Albania...You can always go back, they can always visit, etc....With this in mind, make a deal with your husband. He really wants to go and you can take it or leave it...So, hash out an agreement with him that you'll move out there and really give it your best shot at staying there. Give yourself 1, 2, 5, 10 years to adjust...Whatever you feel is a fair amount of time. If things go well, then you can stay there forever. If you just can't stand it, then you have your loophole where he agreed to move back if you're not satisfied. You're really moving out
there for him more than anything else, so he has to realize your sacrifice and agree to make you feel comfortable with the decision. Remember, there's no real finality in moving somewhere...You can always move back just as quick. Give it a try with the understanding that you two share...The only danger to this is that you'll always have that loophole in the back of your mind and you might not give New Mexico as truthful as a chance to grow on you if you had no other choice. Be fair and truthful
to yourself, the location, your husband, and the entire situation. There's a very good chance that when the time has passed, you'll have the same feelings about moving From there and you do now moving To there (That you're content there like you are now in WI). Hope this helps, and best of luck to you...

Name: Madchen
Question: I have been with my husband for 8 1/2 years and married for 4 1/2 years now, I just found out about a month ago that my husband has cheated on me and is the possible father to her baby. This happened in Oct - Jan of 99-00, I knew about him going out with her back then, but I believed him when he told me it was only 2 times and nothing happened between them. Now only to find out he has a baby with her. I know we had our share of problems, divorce was brought up a lot but no one ever did anything to pursue it, there was a lot of fighting and arguing, but I never ever thought he would actually go as far as cheating. Well, now I'm stuck in the middle, do I stay or do I go? I believe its over because she has been seen recently with someone else, and she is taking my husband to court for child support. Not only
that, but I guess I believe he is being sincere when he tells me it is over and that he really messed up and is sorry...the usual pleas of a male. I believe we want to work it out, but I just can't seem to get past this. I don't think I ever can. See the reason is not only because it is wrong to cheat, but also because I went through a lot with his x girlfriend who he has 2 kids with. I know this is embarrassing and I sometimes regret ever meeting him and being so blinded by what I really thought was and may still be LOVE. We have 2 boys of our own now and I'm just trying to do what I think will be best for them. He says he does not want a divorce but if it means I cannot see past his weakness and will keep bringing it up on a daily basis then he is all for a divorce. I cannot stand that he can actually say this to me, when I feel this should be totally MY decision! Can you please help?

Hi Madchen,

Thanks for writing...Hmmmm - This situation is certainly not the best one I could think of being in. I guess your decision to go or stay depends on how long you are willing to be a pincushion...So let me get this straight - He now has 5 children to support? And you have to share this burden and out of the 5 you can claim only two? Either you have the heart of a saint, or you were blinded more badly than even you are willing to admit. If you are even considering sticking around, then you have to demand that the two of you seek counseling. And then when you go, you have to share and listen. He has to take a look at it as not simply an exercise to smooth things over, but a real attempt to CHANGE...He obviously hasn't learned from his past, so things won't be any different in his future if drastic and focused steps are taken. You two have been together for a long time, and that's admirable...But he has to step up to the plate and treat you as a real partner...He's Got to see what a prize he has in you or else he'll find himself alone and pretty sad. Make him see it and make him for once treat you with the equality and love and partnership that you deserve. You've been there through all of his problems, and he has to realize that you haven't asked for anything but trust and honesty - And he consciously broke that trust. I normally would say for you to move on, but for some reason I still see a glimmer of hope (If you can actually forgive AND forget)...He has a long way to come before he's back in your good graces again. If he really tries, then maybe things can work out...If he keeps taking you for granted, then let him know how special you are to him by leaving - Only then will he see what he lost. And that's HIS fault - So keep on living Your life if you do leave... Don't look back. But first things first... Go to counseling. I hope this helps, and best of luck to you...

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