Thursday, April 17, 2008

Q & A: "If he doesn't call you is it really OK to call him?"

Name: Jenny
City: Ithaca
Question: I have been in a long-distance relationship with my current boyfriend for almost seven months. We see each other pretty much every other weekend (I attend college 4 hours away from him), but it is still hard of course because we miss each other so much. I have been very happy in this relationship, and have not had any problems with him - I am very much in love with him in fact. However, I found something today which has shaken me up quite a bit. I was online and I signed on under his Screen Name for fun and I found that he had subscribed to a free porn service over the Internet, and had written to someone employed on this site saying extremely explicit sexual things, and had wanted her to call him for phone sex. I was horrified and I am so upset right now because I don't know what to do. I feel awful for having gone into his email and I know that was very wrong. But now that I've done it I don't know what to do with this problem I'm facing. Although we have been dating for seven months, we have not had sexual intercourse yet, and I am worried that he is bored with me or frustrated with waiting, even though he has never put pressure on me to have sex. I also know that being away from each other is sexually frustrating, and so I can see why he might be surfing some porn site, but the fact that he actually subscribed and wrote to someone on the site makes me ill. I am so hurt and upset. I was planning to have sex with him fairly soon, and now I don't even want him to touch me. The very idea of him saying these things to some stranger kills me. What can I do?

Dear Jenny,

Thanks for writing! Long distance relationships can be very difficult indeed...The time apart and trust issues, even when not strained, can weigh heavily on the mind. I'm sure you've heard this before, but men tend to be very visually (audio as well) stimulated in regard to Sex. He's obviously intrigued with the website and phone issue, but I'd bet that he has no idea that his surfing a sexual site or even having phone sex would be damaging to his relationship with you. To him, it's two totally separate issues. I'm sure he knows it's somehow morally wrong, but as soon as he turns off the computer or hangs up the phone, it's done and he's already thinking of other things. There's no tie-in or correlation between his actions and his hurting your feelings, in his mind. Also, the comfort of the distance the two of you have from each other probably gives him a thin sense of security -- when he's in his own town/world, what he does on his own time has no bearing on anyone else. You might see his actions as some kind of betrayal or disloyal gesture, damaging the grand scope of things -- he might see it as a way to kill some time one night. Neither of you are right, and neither of you are completely wrong. I'm not making excuses for him, but I would think that if he really cares about you, he wouldn't willingly do anything that might jeopardize his relationship with you.

Sit down with him and let him know what you know. He might deny it, or get upset that you went into his personal computer (that's a different issue), but keep on track and get to the point. Let him know your feelings and your worries. Really discuss this issue until you're satisfied. If he's as in love as you are, then he'll see the hurt caused by what he did (I still think he has no idea) and will come back begging for another chance, as he didn't know he was risking anything. However, if he doesn't see your point or just blows it off without taking your feelings into account, then this is a good measure of how long a future the two of you have together.

I hope this helped, and thanks again for visiting the site! Take care.

Name: Wendy
City: Gillsville
Question: I have been extremely lonely since my break up with my high-school sweetheart and I finally found someone who I enjoy spending time with. Now I know that he likes me a lot also but there is something going on in his life that almost turns me away. He just told me that he has a child on the way by another woman. Now this is something that happened before we met so should I let this keep us apart from each other or should I keep seeing him and support him as kindly as I can or should I end what we have now before it gets too deep? Help!!!

Dear Wendy,

Hi there...thanks for writing! This is a difficult situation...It's really up to you. Starting a relationship with a guy who already has a child on the way with another woman is not the best starting point. You have to decide for yourself if your relationship with him is because he really is someone you can see yourself spending time with, or is it because you don't like the idea of being single again after so long. If he's a "rebound," then keep rebounding right out of there. His situation is complicated at best, and is not the right place for you to be in if you want try and recapture old feelings/scenarios from a previous relationship. To be with this person, you're going to have to put a lot of your own wants/desires on the backburner until this whole child situation is figured out. Can you be that selfless? That's up to you to decide. Should you get into a relationship, right at this point (for both of you)? I'd say no...He's not going to be able to concentrate on you very well as his attention will really be pulled. It sort of sounds like both of you are rebounding and reaching for something to hold on to and find a cure for what ails you. You are looking for a fix to your loneliness, and he's probably looking for a distraction from his impending fatherhood by another woman. You two will click for those circumstances, but do you really have a future together? Since you two are not really concentrating fully on each other and are together for convenience (Not the only reason but a big part of it), I'd guess there's not much future for you (no offense). Try to cut the ties early...If you want to be involved with him, be his friend. The both of you need each other as friends right now more than anything else. Take this time to really explore yourself and see what you're all about. Pretty soon, you'll realize that you can be picky with those you want to share time with, and that you deserve whatever you want in a relationship. You don't need to jump at the first sight of feelings from another...Once you get your self-esteem back in firm place, and you know where you're going in life, then you can really take a look at others around you...I hope this helped, and good luck...Thanks so much for visiting the site, and please spread the word about it...

Name: Stephanie
City: Seattle
Question: If you exchange numbers with a guy and they don't call you is it really OK to call them. Some of my friends say that it makes a girl seem desperate. I just thought it showed that I was interested. What do guys really think?

Dear Stephanie,

Hi there...Thanks for writing! Ahhh...the age-old question - Hate to tell you this, but there's no real "right" answer. Some guys will appreciate it -- some guys will see it as an invitation -- others will think you're a "easy." Really think back to your talk with him...Was it mostly physical attraction with a lot of flirting? Or was it a funny conversation with a lot of laughter? Perhaps it was a more in-depth conversation were you felt an intellectual/spiritual/common bond? You're the best judge in this situation...If this guy really seems like someone worth pursuing, then go for it...You only live once, but always keep your safety and well-bring in mind as well. Hope this helps, and thanks for visiting the site...please spread the word about it!

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