Thursday, April 17, 2008

Q & A: "I should be concentrating on my wedding, he is on my mind"

Name: Jessica
Question: I am 23 years old. I am engaged and will be married next year to a very nice man who is 12 yrs older than I am. We have been together for 5 years and now we have bought a home together etc.

About 3 months ago I got introduced to one of my brother's best friend. He and I are from the same place, we are both Puerto Rican and ended up having a lot in common. He is married with 2 kids, I even know his wife. There are a HUGE physical attraction between him and I and that night we ended up kissing. We continue to see each other meeting at my brother's place 2 weeks in a row. Both times we kissed passionately, talked and flirted but that is it. Next time I saw him it was at a house party at his house where my brother and his girlfriend ( who is future my sister in law) went to. I had a lot of fun, I could feel him looking at me when I danced with another guys, etc. That night before I went home I said goodbye to him, he said that he would meet me at my brother's house and that is exactly what happened. My brother went to drop off his girlfriend and I stayed in his place. His friend showed up and we had sex that night. It wasn't good at all I mean I didn't enjoy it at all. He left after we were done and that was it. The days went by he and I talked on the phone etc. and we ended up seeing each other again for another house party at his house. We had a good time that night too except that night I got upset at something he did and ended up leaving the party. He called me and told me to meet him and so I did. We ended up having sex in my car that night, and this time it was better. When I told my brother about it he said that I should call it off and end it because his girlfriend is my sister in law and if anyone found out about it, it will cause too much problems. I called the next day and called it off and he agreed. I haven't talk to him since and I miss that. I am going to see him again in another 2 weeks or so for another house party that I was invited too by his wife. There are days that I want to just hear his voice and talk to him like before. I am confused because although I know I should be concentrating on my wedding, he is on my mind. I wish I can just talk to him and hear what he has to say.

Give me some advise... what is the best way to act when I see him again? Do I act indifferent, friendly? I want him to want me yet I know that I shouldn't play games with him. I know the proper thing to do is just forget about him but I genuinely like him as a person, and want to become his friend. I am not sure what to do? I know better yet he is just too appealing to me that I cannot resist. I am not the only woman he messes around with, to him this is a life style. He is not the only person I have done this with either. I do love my future husband and I know that once I am married I will not do this anymore. It is just that I like the attention and excitement that comes along with him. He is a funny individual and I enjoy his company. I need some advise ASAP. What do I do when I see him in 2 weeks?


Hi Jessica,

Thanks for writing. You have serious thinking to do...It sounds to me like you should call off your wedding AND you friendship with this guy. Your brother is completely right...This whole scenario is WAY too close to home where the repercussions will be felt for a very long time. There are so many things wrong with this picture that I don't even know where to start...

I'll start here - If you think that going to the altar and getting married is going to be the impetus that will change your cheating ways, unfortunately you're wrong. You are already exhibiting pursued actions of infidelity, so it will be very easy for you to fall back into cheating whether you have a ring on or not. Not once did you exclaim any worry about hurting your future husband, its effect on your potential marriage, etc. You are seriously taking you future for granted with your fianc?and that's wrong as well. All you talk about is the fact that you can't seem to stay away from this guy who repeatedly cheats on his wife, and how you don't want to play mind games with him and possibly hurt him (Ummmmm...what about your FIANC????), and you want to have him as a friend (with friends like THAT, who needs enemies OR Husbands?). That's Your problem (I'm not going to go into what caliber of person this other guy is as it seems extremely low), and you have to fix it if you want to have any kind of long-term happiness in your future relationships.

Right now, it doesn't seem that you're even close to being ready to get married. You don't seem to grasp the concept of what it means to say your vows (and truly mean them), to commit yourself to someone for the rest of your life, etc. You are far more interested in trying to figure out the best way to keep a relationship with someone you're cheating with. I think the best course of action is to completely forget about this guy. Since you claim to do love your husband, then you'd better realize that commitment requires focus and Selflessness, neither of which you seem to exhibit very strongly. For his sake, leave him too.

In your defense, you've been with your current man since you were 18, so you probably feel you haven't enjoyed the playtime your other friends have. It seems to me you don't have those "party" years out of your system yet. You have to make a choice - Either you grow up and mature real fast before the wedding and realize that this is a true commitment and a promise to Love someone more than yourself, or call off the wedding and live your life the way you want to. You've cheated on your fianc?before with others, you're cheating on him now, and there will be no beam of cleansing light that will shine on you on your wedding day that will stop your cheating in the future. You are the only one that can effect that kind of change. Personally, I think you should call off the wedding and get your selfish desires out of your system (That never really happens, but people tend to mature over time and their priorities change) before you settle down with someone and start raising a family. That way, the least amount of people gets hurt. You're young, so I can't blame you for being more concerned about yourself right now...But if you are going to be doing grown-up things like getting married, then you have to be mature enough to realize you can't hurt others for your own selfish needs. Call off the wedding if you even care a little about your fianc? He deserves to have a fianc? who is focused on the relationship they share and their potential future. You deserve to have fun, but not at anyone else's expense. Part ways...Maybe you can still be together later on, you never know. but right now, the two of you are on different levels of thought and action. Also, forget about this other guy...If you are really going to break things off to enjoy yourself, enjoy it, but don't help him hurt others either. Stick with the single people. Hope this helps, and best of luck to you.


Name: Kristi
City: Boise
Question: well here goes I am 16 years old and I want to drop out of school, Its really hard for me to wake up that early and I get teased all the time! What should I do?

Hi Kristi,

I know it's tough right now, but believe me - As you get older, getting up early is going to be the least of your worries if you want to be even remotely self-sufficient. No Matter What - Stay In School. If you are having problems in school, talk to your counselor...Try to get help with that and your focus. If you are getting teased all the time and it's for good reason, then take it as constructive criticism and change your ways (like if it's about your trouble getting up early - there's really no argument). Try going to bed earlier if it's so very difficult for you in the mornings. If you think it might be a physiological or medical problem, consult your doctor about it...Now if the teasing is mean-spirited, then those people are certainly not worth your time. If it's overboard, then definitely get the school faculty involved. Every kid/child/teenager in this country should DEMAND the best of their educational opportunities. This is YOUR FUTURE - You're going to let Sleep (or teasing about it) keep you from realizing your dreams? You're going to just drop out of school because you want more sleep and then you'll do.......what? And your future aspirations are.....??? America is THE land of opportunity...But its opportunity are most available for those who challenge themselves and work for it. No one is going to walk up to you and hand you a career/mansion/wealthy lifestyle. However, if you Work at it and Focus on it, there's also no one who can keep you from realizing your dreams. Wake up (Pun definitely intended) and start living your life. Hope this helps, and best of luck to you.

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