Thursday, April 17, 2008

Q & A: "I reconciled with my husband after a separation for his infidelity"

Name: Lizbet
Question: I have been totally ignored by 5 of my 7 "children" because I reconciled with my husband after a separation for his infidelity. We had been married for 20 yrs. at the time and until this had been a good husband and father to them. I have wrote letters explaining why and letting them know I do love them. I have grandchildren that I never get to see and when I see some of them I am treated like I'm a stranger. I miss them all so much and I am desperately fighting depression---I don't know what to do!!! I am so very very despondent and wonder sometimes why should I go on--I feel so unloved and think that I must be a terrible person. I have seen people that are not very kind to their kids getting treated much better. I wonder-wonder-wonder?????

Dear Lizbet,

Thanks so much for your letter...There's some questions I have about the circumstances involving this, so I'm going to assume that your husband had a short-term unfaithful period that you found out about and left him because of it. I'm not too certain why the children are bring so hard on you when it seems that you were the casualty of the infidelity to begin with. The only things I can think of is that either they are really mad at your husband for his actions and they cannot believe you went back to him (where they lost respect for you), or you were somehow to blame for the breakup to begin with and they haven't forgiven you...I'm thinking it's probably more towards the first one.

In that case, I think it's time for you to clear the air about things...I'm glad you feel comfortable about your reconciliation...You should create a stronger foundation by attending some marriage counseling meeting to ensure that you two are definitely on the same page. There's a lot of times where people work things out themselves but fail to actually address/solve the issues that created the whole mess to begin with. Remember - your problems in your marriage do not stem from his infidelity, but rather from what issues created the opportunity for him to commit adultery. You solve that, and hopefully he'll never need to feel like he has to be with someone else again. All this can and should be talked about and covered with the guidance of a mediator. Once you have that established, sit down/call and speak open and honestly with your children. If they are turning their backs, then you need to know why and address the issues with them. If it's because of your relationship with your husband, then there needs to be some closure for all...He also has to get involved in the conversations and come clean about his actions, his love for you, and his commitment to your future together. Once all that is out in the open, then I think your children will come around...They might not be completely understanding as to why you went back to him...You have to help them see that - And also help them see that their love and place in your life is so important that their boycott of you from their life hurts a lot more than they probably realize...I hope this helps, thanks for visiting the site, and best of luck to you.


Name: DONNA
Question: I HAD MY NIECE" SON FOR OR MOST 12 WEEKS NOW AND DFS SAID THE GRANDMOTHER WANTS HIM NOW THE BABY IS TWO YEARS OLD AND THE GRANDMOTHER COULDN'T TAKE HIM BEFORE BECAUSE SHE HAD A CASE ON HER WITH DFS AND NOW THERE SAYING SHE WAS CLEARED OF IT SO THERE COMING TO GET HIM TOMORROW. CAN THEY JUST DO THIS? TAKE THE BABY AWAY FROM ME LIKE THAT THEY SAID SHE'S THE GRANDMOTHER AND SHE HAS THE RIGHTS BEFORE I DO. IS THIS TRUE PLEASE HELP ME IF YOU CAN?

Hi Donna,

Thanks for writing...Unfortunately, I'm not a lawyer and can't really assist you on this issue. I would think that DFS would have jurisdiction on this matter and if you really wanted to fight things, then talk to a lawyer and see what can be done. Can you ask for custody from your niece? If she is not around, can you vie for adopting the child? There are things you can do, but a lot of times in child custody cases I've seen on the news they seem extremely drawn out and pretty messy. I'm sure there's options you can pursue, and your lawyer is the best place to start with. Good luck, and hope this helps...

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