Thursday, April 17, 2008

Q & A: "I love him, but how much more do I have to give up to be with him?"

Name: Sammie
City: Nutley
Question: Hi - I am so torn right now; I have been in a wonderful relationship for 7 months. The last 4 have been long distance due to jobs etc., Now we are at a point that the traveling is too much and we want to be together everyday. I have already compromised, willingly, to leave my career to start a life where he is (but not before he proposes). My dilemma is this- he loves his outdoor activities and in a conversation he told me that his 2 week vacation is his time...not to be with me etc., He said no matter what, family or not, he is not going to give that up and if I have a problem with that they we have a bigger problem. I can't help but get angry, and I know I sound like a selfish martyr... but come on... when is it my turn not to give in to something? Help... I love him, but this is making me crazy how much more do I have to give up to be with him? Anxiously to hear your advice

Hi Sammy,

Thanks for writing...As you already know, relationships are built on sacrifice and compromise. That being said, there's never room for a martyr in an equal relationship as once that mentality starts, the balance of "power" is shifted - away from the martyr, usually. So now it all depends on your perception. This man has (rather harshly, I will admit) stated his need to have some "selfish" time during the year. Try not to look at it as a slap to you or a declaration that he doesn't want to spend time with you. Look at it as a time for you to actually take advantage of his time away and for you to do what You'd like to do independently. I'm going on the assumption that he will have No issues if during your vacation you wish to go off and do whatever you'd like on your own - If he does, then you need to take a hard look as to how devoted he is to the thought of your future together.

Remember that people move towards each other at different speeds. He might be hanging on to this notion of "his time" as some of the last vestiges of what he sees as his dwindling individualism. I'm sure that as you two grow together and spend more time together he will see that the joys of spending vacation time with you might be a heck of a lot more fun than sitting in the woods by himself. Give it some time...Relationships are in constant flex and growth. I'm happy you two are looking towards the future, but remember things sometimes progress slower than one would like. Give it time and be open with your feelings with him. Make sure he realizes that although you understand his still feeling that he needs his "space", he's in a Relationship and has to try to work at making you see his point of view in a more accommodating light - In other words, as ardently as he fights for his own feelings, he has to just as equally keep yours in mind. Hope this helps, and best of luck...Don't be a stranger!

Name: Jeanette
Question: Me and my Husband are trying to get pregnant, but I'm also trying to lose weight in the same time. I'm taking some metabolism Herbal diet pills. If I end up being pregnant will the diet Herbal pills effect my pregnancy or the baby?

Hi Jeanette,

Congrats and Good Luck on your attempts to grow your family! As you take on this new responsibility, you definitely want to be smart about it. Speak to your OB/GYN and regular internist and bring the bottle along with you so they can read the label and look at all the ingredients. Most pills have the warning on the label anyway that you should consult with your doctor, and if you're trying to get pregnant, that's excellent advice to follow. As a last resort, try to contact the manufacturer directly to see what their official recommendations are for someone in your situation. Chances are, they'll tell you to keep off that stuff in the best interest of your child. Hope this helps, and best of luck to your new endeavor! Have a wonderful holiday season...

Name: John
City: FL
Question: Hi,
First off, I just want to let you know how thankful I am for finding a page like this. I just need some advice on an issue I have...My mom works with this lady who has a daughter that goes to my old high school. I'm a freshman in college, and the girl, Jen, is a sophomore in high school. Throughout high school, I never went to any homecomings or proms because I never found someone that "special." Jen was going to go to homecoming in a group with her friends, but didn't have a date. She said she was going to be the only person in her group without a date, and was considering not going, so I offered to go with her. I've met Jen in person twice, yet I talk to her online often. She really is a nice girl, and I am glad that I am going to be able to go to the homecoming dance with her. The thing is, however, that I am really nervous. I think she's expecting me to be cool about everything because I'm in college, but I am so nervous. Since I've never gone to any of the dances when I was in high school, I don't really know what to expect. If I can have one wish granted for homecoming, it'd be that she has a great night. But I know that if I'm nervous like this, she probably won't. I've never really fast danced before, so I don't know what to do when it comes to that. I've slow danced with some people, but all I did was pretty much go around in slow circles when dancing. I don't know if that's what I'm supposed to do, or if there are any specific steps to it. We're just friends, but I don't know if I should hold her hand wherever we walk. I'm so terrified of disappointing her. When I offered to take her to homecoming, she said that I "made her day." Homecoming is next weekend. I've had butterflies in my stomach ever since I asked her, and I've had a total of 2 meals in the past 3 days. I don't even feel like eating, because my stomach is in knots. I want her to enjoy herself next weekend. What can I do to ensure that that's what happens? Do you think she's nervous also? And what about the dancing part? Thank you so much for your time.

Hi John,

Thanks for writing and for the compliment as well! Let's hope we can help you here...

First off, take a breath. She'll be there with you, but will also be mingling with her friends, showing you off (You know, the older, "cooler", college-age guy who's going to the date with her), and just relishing the night. Unless there's a big dance contest, I'm not thinking that there's going to be a lot of people ringing the dance floor collectively critiquing your every move. You want her (and yourself) to have a great time? Then just chill and let her relish in the night...By being relaxed, both of you will be able to just go with the flow and enjoy the evening. If you fixate on every possible aspect, you'll be too wound up and uptight to just hang loose and have fun, and that might have an adverse effect on her night as well. Be happy she trusts you enough to escort her, and just enjoy yourself (and BE yourself - don't forget that she likes your friendship because of You, not because of your dance moves)...Hope you both have a blast!

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