Thursday, April 17, 2008

Q & A: "I have a hard time dealing with girls who are independent"

Name: bill
Question: I have problem that I know will affect my future relationships with girls. I have a hard time dealing with girls who are independent, my old girlfriend was like this, she would go out with her friends and talk to me about her friends and other guys who she told me were just friends, which I believe but I still get jealous and mad because she's independent and free, I hope u know what I mean, I know it is stupid that I get mad but my father is the same way. When I look back at how he treated my mother, I see that he wanted her to depend on him and almost be submissive, everyone in his family (the men) act like this and I'm afraid that mentality has been passed on to me. I just don't want to be like that but it's hard cuz I am, I lost my girlfriend because of it and I don't want to make that mistake again, could u please give me some help, any advice is appreciated, thank you so much.

Hi Bill,

You are in the Driver's Seat on this one. How you treat women is completely under your control...Let me point out something, however. When men say they don't like independent women, most likely it's because they feel somehow threatened. They feel threatened because most times they have some kind of deep-seated insecurity. Being the hero in the relationship and having a submissive mate is two completely different things, and I hope you can see the difference. You mention you're jealous and mad because she was independent and free, but you're that way (mad) because of Choice. Wouldn't you like to be free as well? All you have to do is be confident within yourself and what you offer to her as a companion. Be strong within yourself and know that you have much to offer...That it's her loss if she ever strays. Don't be pompous or arrogant, but self-assured. If you truly are certain of who you are and how much you offer to the person you love, you'll never feel insecure again. And if you're not insecure where all you can see are your own issues, you'll be able to celebrate each other's independence and freedom with your mate instead of one tearing down the other...I think you'll be fine...Acknowledging this issue is a great step. Just keep in mind that attitudes towards women is not genetic or's learned. You want to change it? Then all you have to do is make the effort to do so...Those who look down upon others or with prejudice or some kind of discrimination in mind live in very small worlds. That applies to looking down on Women as well...Treat others (women) equally and celebrate in their lives, and you'll find yourself (and others) celebrating in your life as well. Always keep in mind how you'd like to be treated and act upon it when it comes to how you act towards others...Treat everyone with respect, and most likely you'll be treated with respect in return. I wish you the best of luck...

Name: Stan
Thanks for the advice. I have an update - She's changed her tone from wanting to continue to now just recently informing me she wants to be friends++, and is no longer interested in any affection time with me. She spends a lot of time with her friends and says she'll still stay "faithful" to me (That usually means she's already been unfaithful right?). I'm thinking about cutting my losses, and telling her we had a great adventure filled with unexpected turns and loops, but the ride has come to a slowing stop. One passenger sits in his seat with his heart pounding with excitement longing for the next ride, but the other one got an upset stomach and feels nauseated hoping for a slow-moving kiddy ride. Either way its time to exit. Should I spit paths and get in line for the next thundering coaster, or hold her hand and escort her to the tea cups with a bottle of Pepto-Bismol?

Hi Stan...

Thanks for that! I think you should cut your losses...You already have a lot of history in a short-lived relationship...It will be a steep uphill climb until you can overcome all that's gone on between you...Go for the next roller-coaster ...the view might be a great change for you! Best of luck...

Name: Dave
City: Toronto
Question: My problem is I'm a 37 year old single guy whom has been in an affair with my married ex-boss for the last 6 years. On my last day in the office at my old job she told me she loved me and to call her. Me never really having a girlfriend before did call her. One thing led to another we met secretly for lunch and talked on the phone quite a bit. Eventually we started seeing each other at night as I drive her home. I've been thinking this relationship is no good for either one of us. I'm really a guy who does not want commitment and I have told her this. Her on the other hand has told me how well looked after she is by her husband and so are her kids (9 & 16). Just last week she told me they are moving to a more expensive house and things are looking so good. I know if I was with her permanently I could never afford to treat her like this.
I have tried to hint to her that our affair is no good and should end. But it appears she will have none of that as I stopped calling her but she ends up calling me quite upset that I did not call her. In the meantime her husband is doing all these great things for her. But she expects our affair to continue on as normal!?!. I'm not sure what will happen...but I think I would like to end it..I told one of my friends about it and he said if the sex's great (which it is) why worry. But I don't know I think in the beginning I was in puppy love with her...but now I have nothing really to offer her except maybe illicit sex I guess. Normally I guess the women is in this situation...but I'm a guy facing the same situation. What should I do? Its not easy to say good-bye just like that!

Hi Dave,

Great question...So now you know what it's like to be a "Mistress", but as a "Mister", or something like that. This is something that you should really break away from...You're 37 years old, and you truly have no future with this woman. She will never leave her husband (why would she?), and she cannot offer you (nor you offer her) any firm future. So the sex is great...there something close to 6 billion people in this telling me she's the only one you can have a great time with? What about your own future? Do you want kids? Wouldn't you like a relationship that only involves two people, you being one of them? I seriously think you feel it would be hard to break away because she's the first woman you've ever had some kind of relationship with...That's all well and good, and you can thank her for that. But if she even cares a Little, she'll understand your moving on to find someone you can really grow with. Anyway, moralistically speaking, if you have any respect for her and her situation (her husband and two kids), then you would back away and let her concentrate on being faithful in her own marriage and trying to make it work...It doesn't sound like she's complaining about anything in regards to her marriage, so I really think that once she realizes she can no longer have her cake and eat it too where you are concerned, she'll either concentrate on her family for once, or find someone else to play with. Either way, you're free to get on with you life and know you can go into a relationship with someone else Guilt-Free, which is the right way to have a relationship anyway...I hope this helps, and good luck to you. Thanks for visiting the site...

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