Thursday, April 17, 2008

Q & A: "I have been cheated on by my first love"

Name: Shanna
Question: Hi, I have a big problem. This last summer I found myself at a job where the guys were very sexual. I have a boyfriend that I love very much. The problem is that I slept with a coworker and my boyfriend found out. I lied to him about everything. But he told me just to come clean so I did, after 2 months of lies. I want to work things out with him and life our life together. He wants to stay together as well but he said I have to prove myself to him. He said he will never trust me or believe a word I say. So I guess I have 2 questions. Should I even bother with this situation, I know it is my fault but do relationships ever get better after an affair? And is there any advice you can give me to help me prove to him my love and loyalty? I need all the advice I can get. I love this man more than I realized! I don't think I could live without him! Thank you!

Hi Shanna,

Well, you're already behind the 8-ball on this one. You obviously haven't proven yourself to him thus far and allowed yourself to risk losing what you now find important (if you were truly in love with him as much as you claim, then you most likely would not have done anything to jeopardize that). Actions do speak louder than words, and your actions weren't the most loving of kinds (at least not towards him). Over time, it's going to be your actions from here on in that are going to be the true measure of things. The only bad part is that he's said that he'll never trust or believe you again. I hope for your sake he's saying that out of anger and not truth...If he is, then there's a chance that after time he'll begin to trust you and things will be better. If not, then your uphill battle just got a heck of a lot steeper. Now if he is the type who will always bring it up in the future and never let you live it down, then you're going to have to decide whether or not you want your nose rubbed in it all the time in the future, love him or not. If you can't prove yourself to him and he's not going to let you, then you'd best leave him...This is a harsh lesson to learn, but it's one you're going to have to work through, with him, or anyone else in your future. Best of luck to you...Happy Holidays!

Name: Catalina
Question: I have been very depressed lately. I am in high school (freshman) and I have been cheated on by my first love, I have been overdosing on pain killers, I feel alone a lot, I am feeling like all my friends are 2-faced or backstabbers, I need any type of advice, I have seen guidance counselors, psychologists...everything.

Hi Catalina,

It's easy for me to say don't be depressed, but Don't. You truly have your whole life ahead of you. Work on the things that you love in life, and start to think about where you want to be once you graduate high school...And I mean really give it some thought. College? Live somewhere else? Start a business/career? Figure out what
sounds good to you and throw yourself into it. Sounds to me that you've already learned one of the important lessons in life - Before you rely on anyone else in life, you have to learn to rely on yourself. Learn to love yourself and be comfortable within your own skin...And stop taking painkillers as they are not going to be any true help to you...Learn to be your own best friend and help yourself...I think you'll turn out just fine. I have confidence in you, and now have it within yourself. Also don't give up on the professional help...Those counselors and psychiatrists might very well help you out of the woods, but you have to honestly give them a chance to assist...I hope this helps, and best of luck to you. Don't be a stranger, and please spread the word about the site. Happy Holidays!

Name: Kay
City: Pasadena
Question: I am wanting to leave my husband of 6 years for many reasons - legal and moral reasons. I have two children with him. I love him. But the fighting goes on and on. Things like he says he asked me to do something for him and I didn't. But in reality he never asked me to do so. He always blames me for things that have gone wrong when I had nothing to do with it in the first place. I know I am not perfectly innocent in the relationship although I don't pick fights just to pick them. The kids have never said anything about the fighting. We usually try to keep the kids out of it. I just can't take anymore mental abuse. I do not work and have no way of supporting myself at the time and I am too proud to get on assistance. I can't go to my parents or others in my family because they don't like him. By the way, he's never hit me or given me the impression that he would. Help!!

Dear Kay,

Hi there. This whole situation screams for some type of mediation...Whether it be via your local clergyman or through professional marriage counseling, it sounds like you and your husband can really use it. If you truly love him, and know in your heart of hearts that he loves you, then maybe it's worth trying to save. I'm thankful that he's never made a move to physically harm you in any way. Also, some of the things you mentioned makes me wonder if he could use some psychological counseling as well. If he's willing to work on himself, then maybe there's hope. I wish you the best of luck...Happy Holidays to you and yours...

Name: Kathy G.
City: Allentown
Question: I am writing because I want to know what to do about my family. I have repeatedly asked them to visit me here where I live and they refuse to do so even though I visit them every year. I miss them so much but they always claim to be too busy. Is that fair?? It is the only way I get to see them. Help!


Hi Kathy,

Sounds really one-sided to me. Do you live in a horrible area? Are you unable to move closer to them? It's not right that they don't visit you...If it's for good reasons (money/time/trouble/access/area), then maybe you can look at doing something to move closer to them. If it's not for a good reason and they're just lazy, then you should be more independent and get on with your life. To keep your family should not rest solely on your actions...I hope this helps, and best of luck to you!

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