Thursday, April 17, 2008

Q & A: "I found out that he has kids cause he had been married before"

Name: Jenni
Question: After I got over the break-up of me and my Ex-fianc?I became an intimacy/ commitment phobe. I liked dating, but even if I felt a guy wanted something serious, (I'd make it a point to let them know before-hand that I wanted nothing to do with a "serious" type thing) I'd get distant. Well, I've been friends with this attractive guy for about 7 months, until recently. (We're "seeing" each other now) We both have the same outlook on relationships. specifically, we agreed that friendship first is best to get to know the other person, and that when the time was right, to just "go with the flow". not rushing, or pushing the other person. I like him a lot. I can tell by the way I feel. I get very uncomfortable doing things with guys, who have an "interest" in me other than platonically. (Which really sucks to me, because I LIKE dating, and dirty-dancing at the clubs) he's as close to perfect, to me, than anyone I've ever met, or known! I love his company, he's good with my daughter, she likes him, we get along very well, and my mom even likes him!! I'm very comfortable within this "relationship". We've made love, (and he's pretty damn close to perfect in that department too!!) Here's the problem: I have this inner struggle; I'm unable to be passionate, let alone have the kind of passion I WANT to achieve with him. I haven't even been able to bring myself to make-out with him. (on of the most intimate things in my book) Ok, so here's the question: How do I overcome my romantic-intimate struggle, and bring passion into our relationship? He's very new to everything, if you know what I mean. (hint-hint) Also, he's a gentleman, and between the 2, he won't make the first move. So, I'm kinda lost here! HELP please!! I really want to be "serious" with him!! But I need that "passion" there.

Dear Jenni,

Thanks for writing! It seems to me that your reluctance and lack of passion may be due to the constraints you and this guy put on your relationship right from the get-go. Sometimes when you consciously try to "go with the flow" or "just see where it takes you", you unconsciously focus so hard on letting things be free and loose that you actually end up restricting things that might otherwise happen naturally. If you're ready to go to the next level with him, then it's time to re-assess your relationship and talk it out with him so the both of you are on the same page. Make sure that he knows that it's not pushing or forcing any's just that you are at a point where you know the two of you have something special and you'd like to focus on you two as a couple to cultivate this further. He seems like a nice guy, so I'm sure he has like feelings as well. Go out for a nice dinner, look him in the eyes, and talk...Getting this out of the way just might allow you to finally feel free and clear enough to let that Passion you've been holding back flow. I hope this helps, and best of luck to you! Please don't be a stranger, and please spread the word about the site...

Name: Kaz
Question: Ok I went out with this guy and he's 29 and I'm 16. we went out for a few months and it was the best time in my life. He was so gr8 but about 2 months ago I found out that he has kids cause he had been married before but his X-wife has the kids and he says that him having kids will NOT stop him from loving me. (we both still love each other) Should I get back together with him? I really need some ones help.

Hi Kaz,

Run away....far, far away from this man. Not only is what he's doing ILLEGAL, but it also borders on Sick. He's lied to you, used you, and you allowed yourself to fall into his lies. This "boy" is a complete loss of effort. Please, for your own self-respect and future, drop this pedophile. He should be in jail for preying on someone so young. Please do not forget...he LIED to you. Once he does that, he'll never stop. And he has kids? What kind of Father is that?!? Leave him...NOW. Please do not let yourself be used by him any more...Promise yourself that. You might be starry-eyed with him now, but you will see in time that he does Not love you...he's USING you. Leave him and go back to high school. This man disgusts me...Please take care of yourself...and talk to your parents about this situation. You need their help.

Name: Jeanne
City: North Providence
Question: I am in a relationship with a man I've been living with since May. It has been getting better and better until last evening. There is no phone because it got shut off. (He abused call time) He was not home when I got home. He went to bar and came home at 1:00 a.m. No note etc. I didn't want to argue.. He turned things around to tell me he went through this for 13 years (was married) and did not want to go through it again. I only asked consideration (note). I told him not to worry, from now on I wont worry, but it goes both ways. Not to question my absence in future. He stormed out and went to his mothers house. How do I deal with this? Trying to be fair...

Hi Jeanne,

Wow...Looks like you touched a nerve there. I get skeptical when guys act this harshly over prodding by their mate when their own behavior caused the questioning in the first place. He might be hiding something or feeling some kind of guilt/pressure that you don't know about. On the other hand, his marriage might have been very rough for him and after a few drinks your discussion with him brought up some raw feelings. Your mentioning that you only seek consideration is not out of place...Maybe for him you brought it up at the wrong time. His not seeing your point of view might foretell something of his mindset...He seems to be pretty defensive, but then again, when you brought it up he might not have been in any kind of mood to deal with his hurting your feelings/being the cause of your worry. Give it a little time, talk to him openly about it after you two have calmed down and had a little peace and quiet. I'm sure he'll see your point of view, and he might divulge some insight into why he reacted so strongly. I hope this works out for the both of you. Best of luck, and please spread the word about the site.

Name: Luv
City: LA
Question: Well, I been in relationship with a longtime friend. He always been there good or bad before and after our relationship. I gave my virginity to him, and it wasn't one of those moments you want to forget about.. it was real love and I wasn't pressured. I guess I'm telling you this because he just got home from a trucking trip with his father and called me today well, last night and we were talking then out the blue he said he had to tell me something...and I might get mad over it ......he said these over and over again but he didn't go into it. I'm afraid he doesn't want to hurt me and that he has cheated. I feel it we really can't lie to each other so I know when something up. So what should I do if he did...I love him. I know he's the one so if he did cheat and I still stay with him .. Will that make me a dumb girl? should I stay? I really don't want to go!!! he has always been the one for me. I don't know what to do !! Help??? any advice helps.

Hi Luv,

Thanks for writing...Really tough one to call. My normal reaction would be for me to tell you to forget about this guy. But before you do anything, you really first have to ascertain what he needs to tell you...It might be just what you think, but then again, it might be something trivial. First get the facts before you ruin yourself with worry. Once you have them in hand, then you need to decide how to react. Let's play devil's advocate and say that he did cheat on you. If you want to stay with him and truly believe you could forgive him enough to continue working towards your future together, then just keep in mind one thing - You want to make sure that he knows this one transgression/mistake/mishap is forgiven but also that now you two are on a rope...One more misstep and the both of you are over. You have to let him know how deeply his actions affect you...also try to make sure he visualizes if the shoe was on the other foot. It really sounds like you love this guy, and for his sake I'd like to see him work it out with you. Just always keep in mind that no matter how much you love a guy, you're not a doormat. If he tends to want to walk all over you and take advantage of your emotions and loyalty, then it's time to for you to do some walking of your own...Away. I just hope for his sake that he didn't do anything too stupid to lose a gem like you. Hope this helps, and best of luck to you...don't be a stranger.

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