Thursday, April 17, 2008

Q & A: "I don't get the phone call after they say they promise to call"

Question: My problem is my boyfriend's chauvinism. We've been together for a year and a half. He's a great guy and I love him to pieces. I know he loves me too. It's just that he thinks I should "obey" everything he says. Just how passive should a woman be about this stuff? I'm not really the subservient woman he wants me to be, and this is causing fights and headaches at least once a month. Do I just listen to whatever he says and do it? How could I change him??

Hi Lilly,

Thanks for writing...It's great that you love this guy and feel he loves you...but what does he love? The real Lilly? Or the ideal he'd like for you to be? If it's the latter, then you might want to look elsewhere. Some people are comfortable in an unequal
relationship...others demand equality. If you're not comfortable trying to be something you're not, and he doesn't realize that, then that worries me. Sit him down, and tell him that his little Napoleon displays are tiresome - either he cuts the "obey" stuff and enjoy everything that you share and have to offer, or advise that he goes and finds someone else to boss around. If he's kidding around with it by putting on a little show, then that's one thing...But if he's serious and you don't like it, then there's not much you're going to do to change it. Remember, you're already fighting an uphill battle with him as he doesn't see you as an equal. And as for
the "passive" question - Every person is different. Some people take a more dominant role in a relationship, and some a more passive one...it's not defined by gender. In a true relationship, both people are strong and yielding to each other at various times...But there is no level of passivity that a woman is supposed to maintain. You be yourself - if he's happy with it, then great for both of you...If he insists in treating you as a lesser person and you finally decide you're not lesser to anyone, then it certainly will be his loss when you leave - not yours. I hope this helps, and best of luck to you...I know you love him, so I'm hoping he's just bluffing with the macho act. Take care, and please spread the word about the site...


Name: Sue
City: Grand Rapids
Question: I work with a man who is 23 years older than i am, also he is my boss, he has had a relationship with a woman for the last 5-6 years, I openly flirt with him, when we're alone and in front of his girlfriend, his girlfriend has recently left,(because of all of this) and we are now dating, and working together, how wrong is all of this?
p.s there is also a child, not his, but he has been a big part of her life, and now he does not see her.
Waiting to hear your response?

Hi Sue,

Thanks for writing...It seems from your letter that you feel some definite guilt. There's only two reasons I can think of where you'd feel guilty. 1) For the child, as children often get hurt when they needn't be...2) You feel guilty because you know you've caused a dramatic shift in this man's life, but you really don't feel all that strongly for him/you don't see him as a long-term possibility.

Now, there's obvious problems with dating your boss, both personal and professional. That being said, let me just say this - I sense that you possibly flirted with him for fun or because you saw a challenge, but I don't really see any real feelings from you for him in what you wrote. If that's the case, then you not only have possibly ruined his future, but your professional future as well. Relationships between a man and a woman and those between adults and children are not to be trifled with if they are sound. I'm not meaning to sound accusatory, but you're asking me how wrong this all is, and you already know the answer. If you truly love him and really want to be with him, then that's one thing...but to change three people's lives (His, the girlfriend, and the child) for no definite purpose is a dead wrong thing to do. If you are just playing around, bow out of his life and let him try to retrieve what might be completely lost with his girlfriend....it's the only right thing to do...If you're not playing around, and you're truly happy, then I wish the best to both of you...Good luck...


Name: Adriana
Question: I've been single for almost a year now. My ex and I were in a serious relationship for 4 yrs. At first it was roses, but as time dragged on, I found the one night, cheap sex, and no phone call the day after routine rather lonely.
My question is this...Is it wrong for a female to just meet someone and have sex with them that night? I mean, how much respect can a man have for a women if she's not putting up a challenge for the prize.....her?

That's my problem.....I don't get the phone call after they say they promise to call...I'm wondering if I'm doing something wrong? Is it because they have no respect for me because of the sex? Because it happened without really knowing each other? I want to know a man's view about this and what makes the difference between women to have sex with and women to actually consider having a relationship with.

Thanks

Dear Adriana,

Thanks so much for writing...This is a very popular question, it seems. First off, I just wanted to point out my concern that you say you were in a serious relationship for 4 years, but you felt as though later on in the relationship it simply felt like
on night stands? Lift your head up and see the world with your eyes for once...and see your prominent place within it. You mention (somewhat correctly) below that you don't put up a challenge for the prize that is you. I think you were stating the prize is the physical relations with you, but I'd like you to turn that slightly to see You, not just the physical aspects of yourself, as the prize...then you and I are on the same page. Please realize who you are and what you have to offer to yourself, and then to others. I hate to think that all you think you have to offer others is sex...you are selling yourself way too short if you think that.

As for the age-old question of whether or not a man will "respect you in the morning," it all depends on you. There are many long-term relationships out there that had passion right from the get-go. However, even though I'm not a statistician, I'm inclined to think that there are a lot more relationships out there that did not last very long when such passion (sex) was involved so early on in the relationship. Think about it. I'm willing to bet that you and your friends would think less of some other girls who had a habit of spending their first dates in the bedroom. Some girls think that they truly have strong feelings for their "partner" and that even though it's really early on, it's time to share physical intimacy. Others think that they need to sleep with their "partner" early on in order to keep him and make his hers, like it's some kind of security measure.

As people age, then they tend to be more in control of their emotions and know exactly what they want from a particular person, whatever the social implications. Some women have one night stands and that's truly all they want. There's nothing wrong with that, as long as they did exactly what they wanted, were in control of their own emotions and actions, and have no regrets later on. But in your case, I'm thinking you're more regretful....So to take a long way to answer your question, I'd say to hold off a little on the sexual part. There's no rush, especially if you are going to end up spending the rest of your life (potentially) with this person.

I can't speak for all men, but there are some general perceptions. If a woman is quick to jump in bed, then I believe guys do tend to think a little less of her than of others who wouldn't do that (at least subconsciously). Why? For many possible reasons...it could be that she no longer posed a "challenge" as you said. It could be that when a guy thinks of settling down with one woman, he doesn't want to think of her as someone that was quick to get into bed with others, as how secure can he be with her acting in the future with other guys? That says nothing about her, as she might think him to be her "knight in shining armor" and will never stray from his side, but most likely the guy won't notice that...he'll just remember how easy it was for him (and possibly others before him), and fear she'll be the same way with someone else. He might think that if she really wanted a long-term relationship, then she wouldn't be so quick with sex, so if she's not wanting a long-term commitment (by offering sex), then he might as well enjoy the moment and move on. Again, I can't speak for everyone as these are just a couple of examples of what we might think in any given situation...

As for you, do this - Slow down...find yourself. Know what a true and complete prize YOU really are, then allow others to know how special you are without being with them physically. If the guy is only interested in sex, and he's not willing to learn more about Adriana and learn that You are the prize and that the sex with you is merely icing on the cake (no matter how incredible it might be), then forget him. Not worth your time. You have so much more to offer. Find someone who realizes that, and he'll never leave your side...and when you eventually have sexual relations with him, I don't believe you'll have the problem of your phone not ringing the next day. Be true to yourself, be true to others and allow others to be true to you. You live your life honestly this way, and you'll honestly enjoy it...I hope this helps. Thanks so much for writing, and come back anytime. Please take care, and spread the word about the site...

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