Thursday, April 17, 2008

Q & A: "I am in the military and she is an exotic dancer"

Name: Sen
Question: I am a student , 23 years old. My problem is that so long I have lived like a loner, which is what everyone thinks about me. Now I want to change: I realize I won't be able to live that way. But I am not able to do it i.e., to change myself, to become more social, share with everybody and take part in social life. Please advise me how to proceed. Thanks for providing help online.

Hi Sen,

Thanks for writing...I guess the best way is to start small. Start building relationships with those that you spend the most time with...if you live in a dorm, then really take advantage of the setting and start to hang out with some of the people who you deem receptive. It's all very casual...You don't need to feel uptight about it. If you don't live in a dorm, then I am sure your school has clubs that meet often and might have shared interests that you can contribute to. All you need is a connection, whether it be through shared experience or common interest, to start some kind of friendship. Just be loose, be yourself, and don't worry what other think of you. Once you start opening up a bit, you'll feel a lot more comfortable with it...It's all about building trust with certain individuals and them doing the same with you. Open up a little, and listen to them when they reciprocate...You'll have fast friends in no time. Just don't put too much pressure on yourself and everything will work out fine...Hope this helps, and have a Safe and Happy Holiday season!

Name: Kayla
Question: I was just told by my X boyfriend that I'm bad at kissing. What can I do to improve my kissing skills?

Hi Kayla,

Thanks for writing...Improving any skill takes practice and open communication with your partners. This does not mean to open a kissing booth or just go kiss-crazy on the general population. When you find yourself in a relationship with a suitable partner, be open and honest about it and keep trying...Just remember everyone likes different things. One partner might like a kissing style that is wholly different from what another likes. You must simply be happy and comfortable with your own style, and if you really like the way one person kisses over another, then try to keep that in mind for the future. But again, everyone likes different things...Just take your time and talk to your partner about it if it really bothers you - I'm sure he'll be willing to help you practice.

LAST NOTE - Your Ex-boyfriend is REALLY NOT the best place to heed advice from when it comes to personal issues...It Just Might come across a little skewed. Keep in mind the source of your information and take it with a grain of
salt...Anyway, hope this helps, and best of luck to you...Have a great Holiday season!

Name: Will
Question: Well here is my question. I am a little confused about a relationship of sorts that I am in now. The girl I met is 22 and I'm 24. I am in the military and she is an exotic dancer. hen everything first started we just sat and talked, and had really good conversations. I mean I like her a lot and would really like to be her significant other. She has had a really bad experience just recently and one night I spent at her house we didn't "go all the way" but there was a sexual encounter. The next day she told me that she really liked what happened but just wanted to be friends. So as of right now I have spent the night with her a couple times and did nothing, as well as hanging out together. Now she has told me many times that she really cares about me and knows my exact work schedule without me even telling her. When I get stuck out of town because my job entails me to do that sometimes she gets upset. Whenever she goes out she always calls me to go with. I really like her and I don't want to ruin this by making the wrong move. She says she wants to be friends but I feel there is more to it. I have asked her about it and she continues to say just friends. She's told me that I was a unique person and I know things that she hasn't told other people just as she knows things about me I haven't told anyone. So to sum it up my question is am I reading too deeply into this or is there really a chance for a relationship? Please help cause I'm really confused, Thanks

Hi Will,

Thanks for writing...Interesting situation. Take into consideration her situation on things (which it seems like you do) and look at things from her perspective. First of all, she's an Exotic Dancer. There's nothing wrong with that, but I am sure that with her being leered at everyday from men (single, married, whatever) and knowing how simple it is to effect them with a look, move, or whatever, her view of men might be a little skewed. She probably looks at the general male population as a bunch of hormone-indulged lemmings who will throw money away for little return...She also has probably seem some instances where the general ideology of Trust and Men has been pretty shattered. She's seen men actively offer to cheat on their wives/girlfriends, spend more time at the bar than at home, waste money that they really can't afford, come off as desperate and a little sad, and the list goes on and on...Imagine if you worked in such a setting - I am sure your view of the opposite sex and relationships would be scarred and cynical. Also, you've alluded to the fact that she had a really bad relationship as well, so that just pushes her even farther away from the commitment table...

So in walks Will...Now I am taking it for granted that she met you where she works. If that's the case, you were probably simply one of the everyday, leering crowd. But you've differentiated yourself from the others, and now I'm sure she's confused about it all. Listen, she will have a lot more trust issues to deal with than the average woman because her entire career as a dancer she's been bombarded with the reality of what's in front of her. I am sure she's met some very nice people at her work, but I am sure she wouldn't think of dating them...Also, I hear that some clubs really discourage any kind of relationships with customers because it could be seen as something less than savory...So as far as building trust, you (and truly any other guy) are really behind the 8-ball.

That being said, it sounds like you are making some progress and are really interested in her as a person, which is important (I can almost guarantee you that any other males at her job really don't care to find out what she's all about). Be patient...You've got to realize that it will take her a lot longer to get to the same focus and trust level that you would like to be at. I think there is a chance for a relationship, but it will be a long and potentially difficult road. One thing that might help her is to leave that environment altogether so she can see a more universal view of people...Right now, she's only being presented with a very defined view of what people are all about.

I think you're doing fine...Just keep it up and be persistent without pushing too much. She will soon realize that you care for her more than simply as an object to gawk at or a trophy to own...And that she might have a true future with you. Just be understanding of her situation and help her see things the way they really are where you are concerned. This will take time, but I think it's not a lost cause...Good luck, hope this helped, and have a very Safe and Happy Holidays to you.

PS - Thanks for keeping our country safe...You and your brothers and sisters at arms have the debt, gratitude, prayers, and best wishes of an entire nation...Don't forget that...Good luck and God Bless...

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