Thursday, April 17, 2008

Q & A: "he only dated her to get to me"

Name: Lavender Locus
City: Bronx
Question: okay. I used to be best friends with this girl. We were inseparable. And also there was a boy that had liked me before he met her. They started dating and I didn't mind because I hated him anyway. But then I found out he only dated her to get to me. And now that I'm not her friend anymore, he still wants me so he treats her awfully and ignores her but refuses to break up with her. Now he's trying to be "friendly" to my new best friend. This boy is obsessed with me and I don't know what to do. He takes over my friends and makes passes at me and doesn't stop. Everyone tells me to confront him and tell him leave me alone. But they don't understand that he would rape me as soon as I approach him, even if it was to yell. And I have called him horrible names to his face. He knows I hate him and he refuses to stop harassing me. Either he's in love with me or I need a restraining order because he is mentally retarded. And we are all only fifteen years old :((((

Dear Lavender,

Hi there and thanks for writing...That's a pretty serious allegation about this boy "raping" you. That is not something to take lightly nor toss around easily. Such an insinuation carries an enormous amount of seriousness and penalties, so make sure you know what the true ramifications are when choosing your vocabulary. That being said, let's take a look at this boy...You think he does all of this to just get to you. So in actuality, all he is looking for is a response. He wants to know that he's getting under your skin...So don't oblige him. Confront him, but have absolutely no emotion when you talk to him. Tell him that his actions are better suited elsewhere because you have absolutely No feelings for him, good or bad. Once he realizes that he carries no emotional weight with you, then the fun is out of the game he's playing. All in all, it's best to discuss this with an authority...Whether it be your parents, or a school teacher/counselor, or both. If you believe that this boy can become violent, then you need more involvement from those who can help. If you truly fear for your safety, then take such measures to protect yourself...Tell an adult, always have friends with you, never be alone if you know he's around, etc.... Hopefully the adult involvement/intervention will nip this problem in the bud right away...The hint of something violent is nothing to play around with...Stop playing into his hands and his game...It's grown bigger than both of you. Hope this helps, and best of luck to you...

Name: Janai
Question: How can I tell my boyfriend I love him back I do love him but I cant say it?

Hi Janai,

Thanks for writing...Saying "I Love You" comes very easily to some, and very difficult to others...You may not be as "gaga" as he is right now, or perhaps you are much more cautious than he about your emotions. Either way, there's no "race" for you to say anything...You can let him know in subtle ways so that you are more comfortable with mentioning your feelings...Write him a letter and end it with "Love, Janai"...Or tell him that you love a certain aspect about him - "I love your laugh", or something like that. Break into it easy...When you do say it to him for the first time, you want it to mean as much to you as it does to him...Hope this helps, and please spread the word about the site!

Name: Pam
Question: I am a happily married woman. My husband and I have a healthy sexual relationship yet I still have a strong desire to sleep with other people in fact I feel that I someday will. Can you help me with any insight you may have please.

Dear Pam,

Thanks for writing...Time to revisit why you got married in the first place. It's all about Love, Sharing, and Commitment. The pure fact that you are leaving the door so wide open for infidelity is frightening...You will no doubt have/be a self-fulfilling prophecy, and it will be to your own doing. You're not just leaving the door open to "chance," but you will subconsciously be grooming yourself for the event (infidelity) so that when you are finally in a position to cheat on your husband, your resolve not to cheat will crumble like wet paper. Go to therapy/marriage counseling immediately... Imagine if you took the same amount of thought and mental energy you are spending on your infidelity fantasies and invest them into your marriage and your husband - I'm thinking your chances of cheating will be far less. If you are seeking the approval of others, like the acceptance and the satisfaction that someone else finds you sexy and attractive, then I'm thinking that your self-worth and sense of self needs a tune-up, and therapy is the answer. What's better? To be strong, secure, confident, trustworthy, sexy, grounded and monogamous, or to be seen as easy, cheap, trampy, slutty, lost and pitiful? That's a little strong, but you get my point...If you have any care for your marriage (And if you have any children, them too), you will know that it is much better to honestly be able to look at your husband in the eye and him trust you completely. I'm sure you ask the same of him, so put yourself in his shoes as well. You are seeking the acceptance and "love" of others in completely the wrong way...By jumping into bed with someone else, you'll never gain respect for yourself in your eyes (or in the eyes of others)...All you'll be is a "score" and you'll forever be chasing for closure, love and security that isn't there. Do me a favor and remember this - ALL THINGS EBB...What I mean by that is no matter how high the high, those sensations lessens after time...No matter how low the low, those sensations will also lessen in time...What you have to keep in mind and think about is what you will be left with after all the high-strung/intense emotions are gone...Will you have a lasting sense of satisfaction and security, or will you have a gnawing feeling of guilt? It's completely up to you...This is your own choice. Hope this helps, and please don't be a stranger...

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