Thursday, April 17, 2008

Q & A: "he had an affair with a girl he went to prom with many years ago"

Name: Jordi W.
City: Cherry Hill
Question: I've been talking with this guy Oscar for a couple of months now, we met through mutual friends. I met him with those other "mutual friends" at the beach a little while ago. I completely fell in love with him, and vice versa. But he lives an hour away, in Atlantic City. I don't have any idea what to do anymore. I want to be with him so badly, to be in his arms and to love him unconditionally, but it's not like my parents would understand and I can't drive nor can he. We are so in love with each other, and it hurts me SO much every single day. I know that I should probably just forget about it since it seems impossible to be with him, and now with school starting, I'll be seeing him less and less and talking with him less and less (I met him up at the mall 2 days ago). This is a tough one, but do you have any suggestions for a bleeding heart?

Hi Jordi,

Thanks for writing. I know someday you'll understand this (maybe not right now) but what you are going through is more likely infatuation and not love. Whatever you want to call it, it can be extremely exciting and wonderful. That's great that you now know that you can feel this way...One of the larger challenges for your coming years is to know how to be smart about these feelings - when to act on them, when to be open with them, when to know the right person is involved and deserving of your attention. Right now, there's not much you can do as you live apart and have no real method of transportation to see each other and cultivate a relationship properly. Believe it or not, if you cease to see him you'll eventually forget about this boy and probably become interested in someone closer to home. Just always try to remember to keep your own best interest at heart. Try to understand that what you might want is not always the best thing for you. Try to have enough stability within yourself and control to take a step back and look at everything objectively. You have many years ahead of you to fall in love and to live your life with your Prince Charming...Always keep your own best interest at heart and keep focused on what is to be the future of Jordi (not Jordi and ???). Don't worry...The feelings for this boy will lose their bite over time...You'll be over him before you know it - Just keep your eyes open as to what's going on around you and with what you want for your own future...You'll have plenty of time in the future to fall head over heels for plenty of deserving guys. What you want to do is get yourself settled so that when they fall for you (and they will, whether or not you reciprocate), you can pick the right one intelligently and with your future in mind. Hope this helps, and best of luck to you...

Name: Keli
City: T or C
Question: I've been married for six years. Up until 2 months ago it was a wonderful marriage, my husband cheated on me. When I found out he lied about who it was with and said he had sex with a total stranger a ten min. quickie. I let it go at that even though I did not believe him. Then I found out the truth he had an affair with a girl he went to prom with many years ago. It went on for a couple of weeks. He refused counseling to try to work out the
issues so I tried to fix it myself. I was explaining to him one night one of our problems and he flew off the handle and hit me (not the first time). He went to jail and is out now but has a restraining order not to come around me until he goes to court. In the meantime a friend that I have known for quite sometime has just kinda popped into my life. And he's true blue everything I want in a man. We have spent a little bit of time together, he's listened to
me everyday about my problems and now I care for him also.
My question is should I give my husband another try, he is really sorry he did what he did and is really sincere. The other guy I mentioned is wonderful he's everything in one package and is in love with me. Should I keep fighting to save my marriage or should I just let them both go and hide
lol I really don't want to hurt anyone but that's what's going to happen if
I don't stop it now? One will anyway I guess but what do I do? Thanks for
your help

Hi Keli,

Thanks for writing...In the grand scheme of things, the number one person you don't want to hurt is YOU...Never forget that. Your husband cheated on you with someone he's known for years, so he's been lying to you for quite a long
time. You mention that it has been a wonderful marriage, but then you also mentioned that he
hit you in the past. Let me tell you something - There is NOT a SINGLE HEALTHY relationship out there that involves one partner doing bodily harm to another. It is nothing to shrug off, forget about, or sweep under the rug...It is all about RESPECT. Your husband cheated on you because he thinks he CAN. He's already got you cowered and in the mindset where you forgive him for hitting you, to the point where you think your marriage is wonderful...But that's just Wrong. You're just deluding yourself. You knew he was lying and you let it go...What else are you going to allow? Can you see how incredibly one-sided your marriage is (to his favor)? The mere fact that there's a Restraining Order should be setting off alarms in your head.
Leave him in jail. Leave him period. Get some self respect and move on...Until you decide you are your own person, you'll continue to be the
doormat of his life.

He obviously has anger-management issues, among other things, but you're not important enough to him to try and go to counseling about. Then when you try it on your own and attempt to communicate with him about it, he beats you. Remember, you're the victim here...He hit you because you were speaking about how He wronged You, and then he beats you for it? This guy is the biggest type of coward of all...He can't even attempt to handle criticism of his own obvious faults. Now he's sorry? Of course he is...He knows he's lucked out in finding someone who's sweet and takes abuse at the same time...You are a rare find, and it's bad for You. Get away from this guy. As for this other guy, be patient with that...Some guys get caught up in the whole "knight in
shining armor" scenario that accompanies your kind of situation. Not that he's subversive or he doesn't have your best interest at heart, but sometimes romantic notions of "saving" you can get in the way of patient logic. Take a
breather from him...If he's truly interested, then he wait for you (and respect you) while you work on finishing things at home. If he won't then
you know that the situation is more appealing to him than an actual relationship with you. You have a right to be cautious - You've been hurt,
on many different levels, in the past...Take your time and things will work out fine.

Good luck with everything... I hope you decide to do the right thing. You can only take so much abuse for so long... Everyone has a point inside where they will say "Enough"... I hope you are at that point now. Don't let your husband try to sweet-talk you because everything out of his mouth will be an attempt to get you back
into his life as a punching bag. You already have an opportunity in this forced separation to see things how they really are. I hope you really
reflect on everything and move on to a much better life. Once you finally look in the mirror and firmly decide that you will not be hit again, you'll never look back. Remember, NO ONE has the right to hurt you, in any way. They will only hurt you if You allow it. Don't allow it
to happen again... A departure like this from an abusive relationship can certainly be scary (Actually, I think the prospect of waiting for the fist is scarier), but think of how you'll feel in a year from now...Will you be the current wife (who has to convince herself every day she's happy) of a cheating wife-beater, or will you be Independent Keli, who's charting her own course through life and is doing what's best for her, for once, from now on and always? Go for the latter... Don't also forget that there's tons of women's shelters, counselors, programs, etc., that are geared towards helping women who finally decide to leave abusive relationships. Contact your local YWCA, your hospital, Police, your church, social works representative, various Internet sites... There's TONS of resources that can assist you. You don't have to be alone in this, and you'll finally be able to stand on your own two feet... And the sense of peace and freedom you'll have is incredible... GOOD LUCK...

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