Thursday, April 17, 2008

Q & A: "he believes the wife should stay home"

Name: Mireya
Question: hi I have been married for 8 years 6 years ago my husband confess to me that he had sex with his sister since then our lives have been different I just wish he had never told me now I don't trust him at all when they are both together I feel like they are in love with each other. She always gets all nervous when he is with her what do you think I should do because it is really driving me crazy I jus don't know what to do.

Hi Mireya,

Hmmm...Sounds like you and he need to get into some Marriage counseling, and that he and his sister need to get into some therapy, and you to individual therapy as well...Everyone involves needs some professional intervention pronto. Incest is so damaging on so many levels...It's hard to know exactly what the circumstances are or how long this abuse went on for, but it is clearly something you need to work out as this will not go away. It's already been 6 years, and it sounds as if you've never really gotten over the initial shock of it all...How long can you continue to wait for before getting some resolution to this? Go into counseling and see if you can salvage your marriage somehow. You haven't mentioned your relationship with him so I'm guessing your marriage is somewhat fine (If this was never an issue), it's just that you can't get over this revelation (not that it would be easy to). Go and talk it out...try to come to some understanding about the reasons and have he and his sister put to rest their past as well...It can be a very long road before you achieve any resolution on's up to you to see how long you're willing to stay on the ride. You've lasted 6 years already without really making any moves for improvement, so perhaps you can last the time it will take to make things better...But you can't do it yourself or without any action...This is not the kind of family history you can just write off...Good luck to you on this, I hope this helps, and take care.

Name: Tara
Question: I am barely 18 and I'm in love. Unfortunately, he has a girlfriend (I'll call her Karen for simplicity purposes) and one year old baby. We were lovers for a little while before I knew he had a girlfriend but now we're very close friends. The problem is the only reason he is staying with Karen is because her parents threatened that he'd never see his daughter if he broke up with Karen. He loves his baby so much that he puts up with her screaming and jealousy and controlling nature as well as her physical abuse because his daughter is the most important thing in his life. The fact is, he's miserable. He's so young (19) and doesn't want to settle down with her. He can't stand Karen and longs to be independent enough so he wouldn't have to live with her, but he has no education, no car, and no place of his own. I love his baby so much and I know I could take responsibility for her if I had to. I'm afraid to tell him that I am in love with him because his life is complicated enough, and I don't want to make things worse. I love him so much and I'm pretty sure that if he managed to break up with Karen he would be with me. Well, my question is, should I confess that I'm in love with him? And is there anything I can do to help him leave Karen without him giving up his child?

Hi Tara,

Thanks for writing...Some pretty interesting options you've pointed out for yourself in the end...How about this for an option? How about the possibility of being with someone who loves You for You, isn't living with a current girlfriend, hasn't already cheated on you, doesn't have any children who are suffering in an unhealthy living environment, and who can actually contribute to your relationship without being a charity case? Who coulda thunk?

First things first - He CHEATED you...Whatever situation he's in, however bad it is, it is no excuse for him to allow you to form feelings for him, and then for him to later finally come clean about his real situation. Not only did he cheat On you (with an already established girlfriend, so he really cheated on Her - you come in second place), but he also cheated you out of the opportunity to make an informed decision about your relationship with him because of his blatant and outright LIES. I don't care how bad his situation seemingly is...He unfairly suckered you into it and his little web of deceit...If he cared about you a Little, he wouldn't do that to you.

Don't you DARE tell him that you love him as he doesn't even come close to deserving it. It's wonderful you feel so much empathy for him...However, you have not make any drastic mistakes in your life (as he has) where you have to lie and connive to while away the time and keep you from boredom...He is LIVING with his GIRLFRIEND. He might say whatever, but if it is as bad as he says, and if he is even half a man, he'd take care of that situation first before getting someone completely innocent (like yourself) involved. You might feel that you love him, but he certainly does Not love you. He's Using you in the most base sense of the word.

Remember, he's been lying to you from day one, so really take a look at things. You think that the parents are FORCING him to stay with "Karen"? Let's see...He has no education, job, car, income, or place to live (which all equals up to Freeloader in most Parents' eyes), yet they threaten him that he has to stay there? Ummmm....sure. And he's contributing........? NOTHING. I can almost guarantee you that the parents are not forcing him to do anything, other than to finally take on some responsibility in his life, which he does not seem to want to do - He'd rather find other people to sleep with and spend time away from the girl he impregnated and his child. Now for Karen...He wants to be independent from her because she's controlling (he has no job, is living for free off of her/her family's generosity, not bringing in any income or value to the relationship - So what is she doing, asking him to help out around the house? And that's controlling?), she's jealous (he's cheated on her with You, and who knows who else, so she obviously is spot on with that mentality), and she yells at him a lot (this I can believe because this guy is such a loser I'd have laryngitis by now)... OPEN YOUR EYES, Tara!!!!!

If this guy had one iota of decency, he'd do whatever he can to: 1) provide for his child in any way possible, 2) leave you alone as it is not only unfair to you and your future, but it is completely unfair to the woman of his child, 3) try to make the home life as happy and stable as possible for his child, and 4) if he really chose to be apart from Karen, then he would focus on doing whatever he could to get himself out of there and still maintain a healthy relationship with the Mother (if possible) and the child.

Tara, lace up your track shoes and Run, Run, Run...You are getting sucked into a no-win situation. I bet you that if you asked Karen how things were, she would think everything was good between she and this jerk. I'm sure she has no idea that he's been cheating on her, and if she did, then I'd hope she'd have enough self-respect and care for her child to kick his no-good, leaching butt right out the door. Cut your losses and get away from this fake drama. You deserve to be completely happy with someone who can contribute to your mutual relationship on many levels...Someone who is completely free and clear to make the choice to love you for you, and for you to be free to make that similar choice. I know it's hard to see when you're so close to it, but this guy has lied to you from day one. I wouldn't be surprised if everything is happy at his home and he's merely cheating on Karen...He probably doesn't want to give you up because he sees what a great person you are...But that's too bad. He made his commitments, and now he has to live with them.

Please Tara, leave this jerk and move on...Cut him off completely. It might be hard to see now, but in the future, you'll be SO much happier that you did. Concentrate on YOU and realize all the potential you have within you...and then Work towards it and let NO ONE deter you from it. Once you are on the right path, you will only be willing to share your valuable time with people who will contribute to your life, not unfairly leach away from it. Your future and your future happiness is all that matters, so take it very seriously. I hope this helps, keep in touch, and please take care of yourself...Have a great and safe holiday season!

Name: Faith
City: Lake Charles
Question: Me and My husband began having problems about 9 months ago. We married march 2000 and are from completely different worlds, mine being liberal and not too religious. He was home-schooled and strict Baptist. He did not want me to do any social drinking at all.( probably no more than 2x a month and only 1-3 drinks). I knew he didn't want me to, so I stopped. However, I began to completely change my lifestyle to suit him. I never went out with any of my friends, I couldn't do anything but cook and clean without him pouting or getting upset. and Definitely no drinking at all. I got tired of this lifestyle really fast. I love him so much but I can even have a job because he believes the wife should stay home. I just cant live that way. he doesn't like me (he said that). And he cant accept me going out or drinking. I gave him more than three months to at least try to compromise with me and when he didn't I left. For those 3 months he was so mean, and was very emotionally abusive. Its been 4 months and I have been going out with someone else. He says if he sees us together he will kill him. we are still married because we did something called a covenant marriage where its really hard to get out of. I still love him so much but I gave up so much to be with him and he still wont compromise, yet he says I am the one who is throwing away our marriage. What do you think about the whole thing?

Hi Faith,

Two Words - Marriage Counseling. This guy comes from sounds like a pretty severe fundamentalist background and he needs to open his eyes to what the 21st century is all about. It's not entirely his fault because since he was home schooled, he might not have as much opportunity of broad-based social interaction as others...But he has to come to the table. Your battle is a long one because he doesn't see the marriage as a partnership. He sees the wife as property more than anything else, and for him to realize the real essence and joy of Faith, it will take some serious intervention. Good luck with this one...It might be a long road, but I will say that I hope he sees how lucky he is that you want to work through this with him. Let's hope that he realizes that and is willing to give up his skewed views in order to make this last...Take care, and happy holidays!

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