Thursday, April 17, 2008

Q & A: "getting perhaps a young nurse to live in & become my wife when mine has passed on?"

Name: Scott
Question: I am a 31 year old gay male. I have been dating a wonderful guy since this past November of 2000. Since we started dating, we both decided to do this right. Most gay men meet and in two weeks to a month they move right in with each other. And they wonder why things don't work out with relationships in their life? So this is something that I definitely will not
do! It be a year this November 2001 that we have been dating. We both have the same values and outlook on life. I feel that is a must. And we both feel like friends when we are together. So after saying all this, my
question to you is. "How do you tell if this is the right person, soul mate, whatever you call it?" "Are there signs, a gut feeling or what to tell me that this is the guy?" I do know this, the feeling that I have when I am around him is completely different from I have ever had in my dating life. It's not a crush, puppy love, lust, etc....So if you have any experience with this or can offer me any insight on this matter, that would be highly appreciated?
Thank You,

Hi Scott,

Thanks for writing...Although I've had gay friends, I'm not going to say that I understand the whole dynamics of a same sex relationship. You go through so much more pressure, scrutiny, and sometimes ridicule from people outside the relationship that it must be extremely difficult to always focus on your
partner cleanly. My hat goes off to you as just carrying on a healthy relationship can be tough enough, and then when you have others who put their own to cents into your personal life, you really have to have some fortitude to pull through it all with a smile.

That being said, from various discussions with gay couples, I'd say that a lot of the emotional ties/bonds/steps that go into the relationship journey between the partners is quite the same as heterosexual relationships. I do think that people in gay relationships tend to move in together more quickly because of society's pressure against them...It's already them against the world, so might as well make it 24/7 (I might be Way off the mark here since I am not gay and don't walk in your shoes, but that's how it seems to me)...I do admire your focus on making sure your relationship is number one above all else instead of purely focusing on the "lifestyle" part of it. What I mean is, it would probably have been easier for you two to move in together, form your united front, and then slowly learn about each other while being
together. The way you are going about it is old-fashioned and refreshing. Kudos for your decision and your commitment to the relationship itself and its longevity.

As for the "Soul Mate" thing...It's purely an intuitive thing. When you know it, you know it. For some its the unique sense of truly feeling like you've known your partner all your life. Others might say it's the way you and your partner see everything the same way, like the same tastes, maybe even finish each other's thoughts and sentences from early on. One can say it's that complete sense of comfort with your partner and the fact that you can be 100% open and vulnerable and not have a wisp of fear. Or maybe your partner is the only one who really appreciates your goofier side or is the only one who truly makes you laugh...It could very easily be a combination of any of these things as well. Most people say that they know they've met their Soul Mate when everything simply "clicks" and they can easily and comfortably look towards a life together...In the end, it's a sense that only you can feel and a perception that only you can share. If he's your Soul Mate, you'll just "know." I know it's not the more definitive answer you were hoping for, but that's all I got. Hope this helps, and best of luck to you.

Name: Ron
City: Detroit
Question: My wife's health is failing quite rapidly. How would I go about getting perhaps a young nurse to live in & become my wife when mine has passed on? This is doable isn't it?

Hi Ron,

Thanks for writing. Quite the disturbing foresight you have there...Oh, it's "doable," I'm sure...But in a way, it sort of sticks out to me as being underhanded, callous, and sick. What are you thinking??? If your Wife's time is that limited, then you should have the decency to do all possible to make sure her last days are as comfortable as possible and filled with love from Family, Friends, oh, and with the Love of someone else....a Soulmate, perhaps....a life partner...hmmmm-someone she shares a "commitment" with...Geez, let's see...Who could that be? Oh Yeah - HER HUSBAND. What if the roles were reversed and you were lying on your deathbed while your "Caring" wife was taking interviews on the male landscapers to see if they were worth a roll in the hay after your demise? You'd be gagging on your respirator. If your time with her is short, then you'll have plenty of time later to worry about finding a suitable mate for your future (and God Forbid - MOURN). There's being efficient, and then there's just plain Cold. Have a Heart, Tin Man...Make your Wife's last days happy. You owe it to her Love for you, your Marriage, and to Both your souls. Life is pretty funny with it's dealing of Karma...My advice is to do the right thing - Focus on your wife. Hope this helps, and good luck to your wife, and you.

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