Thursday, April 17, 2008

Q & A: "Every single kiss I've experienced has not been appealing at all"

Name: Kim
Question: I have a ten year old son who is VERY smart to say the least. I have a couple issues with him. He does not do the written part of his homework because when he reads something, he retains it. He feels that if he knows the answers now and when the test comes up then there is no reason to do the homework. I have tried to tell him that it is something that it is something required by him and all the students so it has to be done. But I still have to fight with him on it. He will often tell me he left his homework at school on accident. So I told him that when he forgets his homework, he has to copy the dictionary...word by word. This does not phase him....he loves to read and to learn. I tried giving him extra chores...he has no problem with that either. His teacher does not have an answer for me. Any suggestions? One other thing. His anger. He will not talk to anyone about things that bother him. I have tried going through the school, me, my husband, and I have even paid for counseling. Nothing comes out. He has not seen his natural father since 1994. That is by my ex-husbands choice. I gave him full-contact and he decided not to write, call, or visit. Basically, there are several issues that need to be addressed so he is not angry all the time. How can I get him to open up to me more?

Hi Kim,

Thanks for writing...This can be a pretty difficult thing to handle, so my heart goes out to you. There's two separate issues here, so I'll take them one at a time:

His School - Ask to see your son's standardized test scores. He might be a gifted child and is above the current level of his grade...If this is the case, then the district will have to look into getting him into a special program or to institute individualized sessions for him to follow. He might even have the opportunity to get into a "gifted" school or class within his current school. Also, sit down in a conference with the counselor, your teacher, and the principal and ask for their assistance in trying to collectively decide the best course of action to assist your son to realize his potential and make the most of it. If your son is a distraction/disruption in the class since he's bored, they will be happy to help focus him better while allowing the other children to have a more centered environment within the classroom.

His Anger - I think this might come from the fact that he's really missing a "father" figure in his life. Contact Big Brothers/Big Sisters and see if they can set him up with an older male who will hang out with him, spend time with him, and generally bond. I'm taking for granted here that he's an only child...I think that since the father is absent and he has no siblings, coupled with the fact that he might be smarter than most kids his age, he might really feel isolated...This will give him a chance to share fears and thoughts/dreams/stories with an older male in confidence...It will do wonders for his psyche. Another thing to do is to get him involved in after-school activities...Have him join the YMCA, or the local soccer/football/baseball/basketball/track programs that should be run through your town/county/park district. The local Boys & Girls club should also have programs...If he's bottling things up inside and has no outlet to release them, then things will just continue to fester and continue. Remember - No matter how smart you believe him to be, he's 10...That means that there's going to be a lot of things he still has questions on and doesn't yet understand...Work with him and allow him to grow through them...Hope this helps, and best of luck to you...Have a great holiday season!

Name: Renee
Question: I have always been very shy. I'm a lot more social now than I used to be and am making a lot of friends, but I'm still not quite as social as most of the people I know. I'm a college freshman. What I'm getting concerned about is the fact that I've never had a boyfriend or even been out on a date. I was unpopular in high school, and most people wouldn't talk to me. I'm making many new friends in college, but many of the freshmen I know are getting boyfriends and girlfriends already. It's kind of making me feel bad, because I want to experience those kinds of relationships like everyone else. I feel that I need someone, but I have no idea how it works. I have no idea how people get together or start going out, since I have limited social experience. What do you do, just wait for someone to become interested in you? It's never happened to me before, and I feel it'll never happen if I don't do something. But I don't want to make a fool out of myself. Please help.

Hi Renee,

Be strong within yourself. One thing that you'll notice that most of these dating people have is self-confidence. Focus on yourself right now...You need to realize that you never Need to have someone in your life, but be honest with yourself and realize that you actually do have a lot to offer another person. Once you have that in mind, then you'll be more selective and prudent about those whom you share your heart with. You want to do something, but don't forget - there are women (men do this too) out there who go from partner to partner, night to night, being completely miserable within themselves because they are trying to force themselves into some kind of "loving" relationship. To them, love is like panning for gold...

Concentrate on yourself and who you are and what kind of future Renee can have an all the other peripheral aspects of things, relationships included, will fall into place. Don't force the issue as you'll never be happy that way - only desperate...Be patient and self-fulfilling and things will work out better and more quickly than you ever imagined. I hope this helps, and best of luck to you. Happy Holidays...

Name: Vilija
Question: I'm 16 and I've only kissed a couple of guys in my life. Every single kiss I've experienced has not been appealing at all. I don't find it fun, special, amazing, or anything I've been told kissing was!! I'm wondering why this is. I'm guessing maybe its cause its with the wrong people....and I dunno if that's it. it just grosses me out!! I dunno what my problem is, and I want to change it!! for once id actually like to enjoy kissing. see another thing is, ill like a guy, but when he shows he likes me back, and were in a kissing-type situation I try to avoid it!! I seriously wonder why this happens. I am sooo prude and I wish I wasn't sometimes!! please help me!! thanks!!

Hi Vilija,

As Confucius used to say - "You's Gots to Chill, Girl!" Take it easy - Life is not like in the movies most times. It will be extremely rare to have a full symphony going on with the romantic music in the background while you kiss some boy. Take it easy...Don't rush things. When it's right, it will be right. Your gut feelings shouldn't be considered "prudish", but maybe just simply "smart". You can't hurry or force love...Just be patient. When you finally spend time with that certain someone who really cares for you and you openly care for him, and when you do share your first kiss, you'll understand what other people have been telling you. Trust that little voice inside you and just take it easy...It will come. In the meantime, concentrate on making Vilija's future as bright as possible...Hope this helps, and take care.

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