Thursday, April 17, 2008

Q & A: "don't know how to tell my Mom I am bisexual"

Name: Beverly
City: Glendale
Question: I feel alone and lost. Last June I lost my husband of 37yrs. Since his death I have tried to meet other people of my age, one reason is because I am not a very outgoing person. I'm 56 yrs old and I am looking for someone to just be a friend. Just someone to talk to and maybe go out with. Not a romance. I've tried to find out if there is a widow's club here in AZ, but can't seem to find one. I go to church every Sat or Sun. I have gone to grief sessions but I just can't seem to move on. I just don't know where to start. I work and I have friends at work but I still don't feel like I have a life of my own. I married my husband when I was 17 and he was 20. He was my whole life. If I could just meet or talk to someone who has been through the same as me.

Hi Beverly,

I am so sorry for your loss. Thankfully, there are a lot of outlets that might be of benefit to you, and it looks like you've already taken advantage of two of them. Church is a great place to meet someone, and there might be times when the church will sponsor a singles get-together for their congregation. You might also want to look around to see if there are some religious-sponsored single get-togethers that are not sponsored by a particular church. You should be able to find this via the newspaper or even through general advertising at church. The grief group is another way to gel with people who are in the same life situations as yourself. I've also heard of clubs sponsored by hospitals and community centers that are focused on getting widowed people out with others who have lost. Volunteering is another great way to get out of the house and meet interesting people. There's a gazillion clubs/chat rooms on the internet, but the only issues I have with them is that sometimes you have to be extremely careful who whom you meet/share personal information with on the internet (there's a lot of wonderful people out there, but as in real life, there are some whom you might meet in cyberspace that has ulterior motives), and also the more time you spend on the internet is more time you're spent cooped up in the house. Look into doing some volunteer work if you have the time, or at least joining some community clubs that share your same interests. Just getting out and getting on with your life will bring you more exposure as well as more self-confidence. It won't replace your loss, but it will make it more bearable through these difficult times...I hope this helps, and best of luck to you...

Name: Jaime
Question: Well I use to like this guy Joe. Recently he was put in jail for 1-3 years. I started talking to his brother Jason. Now I like Jason and he likes me. I don't know what to do. Because their brothers. But then again Joe is in jail for a long time. What should I do?

Hi Jaime,

Thanks for writing...My advice is to drop both of them. Joe is now a felon, and his brother is not showing much loyalty to him (I'm sure the family is so proud of both of them). Stay away from that whole family and concentrate on what is REALLY important in your life - which is getting yourself on the best and right track for your future. Joe and Jason are mere distractions from what you need to accomplish in making you the best Jaime you've ever dreamed of. Keep on doing what is right for YOU and everything else will fall into place...You'll soon be much more confident and realize that you won't have time to waste on people who drag you down or keep you from moving forward. Eventually you'll find someone who really appreciates who You are and not know what the inside of a prison looks like as well. Wouldn't that be great? Anyway, happy holidays to you, and best of luck...

Name: Melissa
City: Keanry
Question: I am a 17yr old woman that is going through this problem: I am bisexual and have had a relationship with a girl before but don't know how to let my Mom know that I go this way cause I'm scared that maybe I will one day turn totally dyke, you know, help me please

Hi Melissa,

Thanks for writing...It's hard for me to really remark on this because I'm not too sure to what extent you're delving into this lifestyle. You say you've had a relationship with a girl, but for how long? Exclusively? There's a lot of questions that I don't know the answers to where you are concerned. All I know is that you very well might be what is considered "Bi", but you also might be simply experimenting as well. I say this because you emote fear of "turning" into a "dyke"...You make it sound like some progressive, uncontrollable disease, when it's not. I think the best thing for you to do is going to see a counselor and getting this all out on the table. I'm not saying you're Not gay, and I'm not saying you are...I think that at 17, most people go through some very complicated, conflicted, and emotionally charged times where it's hard sometimes to see which way is up (or down for that matter). Bisexuality is one of those somewhat gray areas that people have difficulty setting down what are the parameters that qualify such a designation...In other words - who's to say? Go to your counselor...Just because you had a one-night stand or an exploratory tryst with another girl does not necessarily mean you're dedicated to one lifestyle or another...Only YOU can ultimately determine that direction. Talk it through and hopefully you'll feel better about this whole situation soon....I hope this helps, and have a very happy and safe holiday season...

Name: Natalia
Question: I met a guy and we have such a connection it's not even funny and he has to move away for a little while and get his life together and I want to tell him EXACTLY how I feel but I don't know if I should do that or how to, he knows that I care but it seems like I should tell him. I don't know though. He seems to be getting nervous that he is moving and keeps telling me that I will always be in his life. I don't know what to do.

Hi Natalia,

Thanks for writing...If this person actually has to move away to get his life back in order, let him. It's a great litmus test for you as well...If he gets it straightened out and returns, then his mind will hopefully be clear and set and the two of you can continue what you have built thus far. If he doesn't return, then it's all the best as you want to be able to grow with a person instead of your entire relationship being spent on helping him rebuild. Remember - You Both deserve to be's equal. If you tell him how you feel, it might put a little undue stress/weight on him when he needs to be focused...It might make you feel better that you got it off your chest in the short term, but it might do more harm than good in the long run. Let him get his act together and see how it turns out. If he comes back a better man, then it's better for you as well...If he doesn't, then it's still good for you because you can be happy that you are not entrenched in a difficult relationship...It gives you the freedom to be with someone who is well-grounded themselves and has the foundation set to really build a wonderful future with you - together...that's what you ultimately want, anyway. Best of luck to you, please spread the word about the site, and have a very happy and safe holiday season...

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