Monday, March 31, 2008

Dildo Memoirs: Ready, Get Set, FLOP (Part I)

by Sarah

Since leaving my husband of seven years and getting a divorce I have been dating. And I have been really enjoying myself. But I am doing something very different this time around; I am only dating women. Now, this is very different than being with men, especially sexually. It is especially different for me because I am fairly butch and I am dating primarily femme chicks. They are very different from my manly man ex-husband, which for the most part is wonderful, just fabulous really. I really like being with women. They look so wonderful when they come, and they feel wonderful and sound wonderful too. There is nothing like it.

But, I must say some of my first and still very recent experiences with women have left me wondering just how women have sex with each other successfully. And, no, it isn't the oral sex. Oral sex with women is pleasantly different and easier than oral sex with men. And it isn't even the fact that it is harder to help a woman achieve orgasm than a man. Although that is certainly true, it is well worth the added effort. And although I must admit that sometimes I feel like I am doing acrobatics trying to find the right position where I can touch all the sensitive places without getting cramps in my hands and/or tongue, that really isn't what is frustrating me. No, what frustrated me were my two experiences thus far with a strap-on dildo. After using a strap-on I just don?t know how any dyke ever figured out how to have sex while using their dildo.

Picture this: it was my first Valentine's Day since my divorce and I had a date with a nice woman. And I decided that it might be nice to try packing on that very special day. Packing is when a woman wears a strap on dildo over her crotch area, underneath her clothing. Certainly not all lesbians do this, but at least some butch dykes like to do this to make themselves feel more butch and/or to turn on their partner. This seemed easy enough for me to do since I had just bought my very first inexpensive 'Get Packing Kit' which came with a two strap crotch harness & a jelly rubber dildo. So, I was wearing a brand new, gorgeous red velvet dress (OK, not very butch of me, but I am still new to lesbianism and wanted to try different roles), and underneath the dress, only my date and I knew that I was packing a hot hard cock. Except, when, hours after I arrived at her home, my date finally liberated me of all my clothing, I began to realize that I did NOT have a hot hard cock, but instead a flimsy flaccid cock in between my legs. At first I thought this was sort of funny because it never looks this limp in the lesbian porn flicks, but I figured it had more to do with how the boat rocks in the water than how it appears, feels, etc. I also hadn't considered the fact that although my date was no virgin & had used a dildo on herself, she had never had anyone take her while strapping one on before. This added to the confusion. Finding the right positions in which to penetrate my date was not easy. I found it down right impossible. And, of course, it doesn't help that unlike a penis, dildos have no nerve endings! I couldn't tell what I was doing with the darn thing. So I was dependent on my date to tell me what I was doing. And what I found out was that I was doing ABSOLUTELY NOTHING! The darn thing was so flaccid that it bent instead of being firm and penetrating. After trying other positions and having no further success, we laughed a lot and gave up.

I was of, of course, feeling a bit inadequate. I had always heard that a dildo was better than a man because it wouldn't ever lose its erection or come too soon. Well, what if your dildo never even gets an erection??!! What then?

Well, I am seeing a new woman. And I really like her. I mean she is great. And we have great sex. It is just wonderful. We got this idea last weekend though that we wanted to try the dildo again. I did warn her of my former dildo fiasco, but we agreed to give it one more chance. I was a bit concerned that this was going to be another big flop. I was starting to think that they must make two dildos for dykes; one type is meant for packing and is made of a pliable jelly rubber. The other is meant for sexual activities and is made of a much firmer silicone. The only thing I couldn't figure out is WHY PACK IF YOU DON?T PLAN ON USING IT??!!

But we tried, oh how we tried! I did reach a higher level of success this time in that I was able to penetrate her for brief moments. But I couldn't seem to find a way to stay inside of her and pump at the same time. Of course, it doesn't help that I had just gotten my left nipple pierced & I was afraid that if I leaned against her it would hurt like hell. So, I kept getting that moan from her that means, 'Oh thank-you Goddess, she is finally in!' I would pump a bit, and then I would hear the groan that I have come to fear so much. It is the groan that communicates as clearly as words; 'You slipped out again! Ugh, will this ever work??!!' Sadly, it didn't.

Finally I called the company that sold me the 'Get Packing Kit'. The designer of the kit confirmed my worst fears. Although the dildo included in the kit is superb for packing, most dykes find it inadequate for sexual activities. So you know what this means. It means I need to now go shopping for a new dildo, a dildo designed for penetration, not for folding in your pants.

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