Monday, March 31, 2008

Dildo Memoirs: Part III-Oy Vey, Our Niece Is GAY! (Part III)

by Sarah

As you will hopefully remember from Part 2 of my memoirs I had been seeing a new woman. A woman I liked very much. And I decided to come out to my family during my trip home over Thanksgiving. So I did!

A few days before my flight I got my hair cut in a true dyke do. I got a butch buzz, and it looked awfully cute in my humble opinion. The night before my flight my girlfriend and I went to a KD Lang concert. I had never been to a KD Lang concert before, so I didn't know what to expect. It was amazing! And after the concert I had to buy a t-shirt. I just had to. The thing about KD Lang is that she is not only hot as hell, but she makes all the other dykes in the audience feel hot as hell too. And proud to be lesbians.

Well, the next morning it was time for the flight home. And my gay pride of the night before was quickly fading. I was feeling antsy. I decided it would just be easiest (read: I am a chicken-shit) if my family would just see me and know that I was queer. So I took my butch buzz clad body and dressed it in the kd Lang concert t-shirt, men's khaki pants and a men's open plaid red and green flannel shirt. And I put that dyke dressed body on a plane (2 actually, but who?s counting) and figured to myself that my coming out was done. I assumed that my uncle and cousins would meet me at the airport & the first thing out of one of my cousin?s mouths would be, 'What are you, a fucking dyke?' And I would just say yes, and that would be the end of the coming out conversation. Simple, right? Boy, am I naïve!

I got off the plane up north and waited for my family. And when they got to the airport they simply hugged me and drove me home. Hell, both my aunt and uncle even complimented my hairdo! This was many days before Thanksgiving and I realized that I either had to immediately come out to my family, or wait many days until after the holiday. The advantage of coming out right away was that it would give my family and me lots of time to talk and it would mean that I didn't have to keep any secrets. The disadvantage was that if they were upset and crying, I was stuck there until after the holiday and I would have ruined the festivities for everyone. In all my chicken-shit wisdom, I opted to wait until the Saturday after Thanksgiving. That would give us just a little time to process, but would mean that I would not ruin my entire trip if they hated me.

At first I thought that staying closeted until Saturday would be easy. Like I said, I am naïve at times. The evening I arrived I was helping my aunt and her mother cook supper and throughout the meal preparation I kept being asked if I was seeing anyone. Finally I admitted that I was but that I wasn't ready to talk about it yet. But that was not enough for my family. Oh no! They had to ask 101 questions about 'him' 'What's his name? How old is he? How long have you been seeing him?' It just went on and on. And I kept saying that I didn't want to talk about 'it'. (Notice my choice of a gender-neutral pronoun referring to the relationship instead of the girlfriend.) My aunt's mother was accosting me, explaining that I am family and MUST tell them all about my new boyfriend. I finally retorted that I lived so far away from home (in the Lone Star State) just so I could have some privacy. That seemed to shut them up for awhile.

At least until all the guests were gone, and my aunt, uncle, and I went to sit in the living room. And then my aunt informed my uncle that I had a boyfriend and that I was refusing to talk about him. This upset my uncle, but he reassured me that all he really wanted to know was that this guy treated me better than my ex-husband did. I confirmed that I was being treated very well, much better than in my marriage, and that they should not worry. I promised them that when I felt comfortable I would discuss my new relationship with them some more. And again I thought that I was off the hook.

Until the next supper was being prepared and my aunt's aunt began to attack me with questions, which again I would not answer. My aunt's aunt is pretty hip though, and knew just what to say and ask. She explained that the problem with my ex-husband was that we were the same age and that I really need to hook up with an older man. She said that if I would confirm that my new boyfriend was older than me, that she would leave me alone. Since my girlfriend was seven years older than me, I felt that this was at least a partial truth. So I confirmed that my partner (ah, another gender neutral term) was years older than me and that did seem to make a difference. I didn't mention that the biggest difference was that she had a pussy instead of a penis!

Finally, it was Thanksgiving Day. My aunt and all the other 'womenfolk' were way too busy in the kitchen to bother me. My uncle made a few snide remarks about my snotty sense of privacy, but then asked me to tell him about all my friends. And, so I did. I told him all about my best friend/roommate, another close friend I had met professionally, and my girlfriend, who I disguised as my artist friend. And I told him all about my girlfriend and how wonderful she was. And my uncle was very pleased that I had so many good friends supporting me through the good times and the bad. And I suddenly realized that he knew. HE KNEW! He was fishing for info on my friends because he was sure that one of them was my girlfriend and I would willingly tell him all about her this way. THEY ALL KNEW! I could just tell. This was both a relief and a strange version of family hell. It is difficult to have a family ?secret? that everyone knows but no one will say aloud. But if they already knew, how hard could it be to come out? And my uncle still seemed to love me, so it must be ok, right?

I called my girlfriend that evening, after the hoopla was over. I called her and explained that I knew that everyone at home already knew that I was queer. And I gave her a list of every question my aunt would ask when I would come out on Saturday. I even told her the order in which she would ask them. My girlfriend thought I was crazy and just laughed at me and told me that she loved me.

Friday no one said anything about my 'boyfriend'. Not a word. It actually started to creep me out. After dinner my aunt's aunt and I went out to get dessert, and that is when the newest approach started. The 'we love you' approach. During the car ride, my aunt's aunt told me about meeting a lesbian through her work, told me how she really could understand being a lesbian, and asked me if I couldn't understand it as well. I just hemmed and hawed, and didn't give her a very straight answer. (Straight, get it??!!) Then, in the store, she told me how my uncle was one of the greatest men she knew and would love me no matter what. This was the moment when I realized that not only did they all know, but THEY WERE ALL TALKING ABOUT ME BEING LESBIAN! Oh my G-d! I realized that waiting had been the worst mistake of the trip. Not only did they all know, but now I was the biggest gossip topic in the whole family. And not only did they all know, but they would still love me. It was the waiting and the secrecy that was making it so hard for them. That was why they were torturing me. I was very tempted to come out to my aunt's aunt that evening, but I felt wrong about telling her before my aunt and uncle. I decided that I needed time alone with my aunt and uncle and as soon as I had it, I would come out to them.

Saturday I kept asking for time with my aunt and uncle. And they were very excited to give it to me. But other people kept inviting themselves along. My cousins needed to go shopping. My aunt's family had to have brunch together. Finally, I had the whole evening alone with just my aunt and uncle. No cousins. None of my aunt's family either. Just the three of us. I wanted to go to an early dinner. But, no, oh no, they had to insist on seeing a movie first. We went to the movie. It was ok, but I was very distracted. I could only think about coming out to them throughout the movie. I had an asthma attack from all the build-up and stress. My aunt and uncle decided to take me to a new trendy restaurant that I would like. I never like the restaurants that they pick, but I was amazed at how nice this one was. Then I knew that they knew this was the 'coming out dinner'. They really did want me to feel comfortable and be honest with them. And after we were done with dinner and before coffee and desert I came out to my aunt and uncle. My aunt asked every question I thought she would, in the very order that I predicted. And then they both told me that no matter what, I was very important to them, and they loved me very much. After we left the restaurant I hooked up with the oldest of my three younger cousins and pumped her for information. Yes, they had all been talking about me, and, no, they really didn't care that I was gay, as long as I was safe, healthy, and happy.

When I flew home the Sunday after Thanksgiving, I was a very happy, secure, loved, out butch dyke, just waiting to strut my stuff with the girl of my dreams back home in Texas. That is until the girl of my dreams broke my heart and dumped my sorry ass a few months later. As you might imagine, that sent me into a spasm of loneliness and insecurity. After four and a 1/2 months of hellish internet dating, I was actually considering moving back home to my family. But a friend of mine did a tarot reading on me. And what became clear was that the answer to my romantic woe lay not in my moving away from Texas, but instead, in my finding a King of Wands to be with and sacrificing my own butch ways. Hmm, what to do? To be butch or to be femme? Or are there other alternatives in the lesbian community?.



Part IV of my Dildo Memoirs: To Butch, Or Not To Butch: That is the Question!

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