Monday, March 31, 2008

Dildo Memoirs: Dildo Shopping in HELL (Part II)

by Sarah

As you will hopefully remember from Part 1 of my memoirs I have been seeing women since leaving my husband of seven years and getting a divorce. And I have to admit that I have been loving every minute of my newly experienced sexual freedom and expression. But, I have encountered one small problem. Actually, my problem has been about 6 inches long. My problem has been my flimsy, flaccid, rubber jelly dildo. At the end of Part 1 I had contacted the company that had sold me the obviously inefficient dildo and found out that this dildo was not made for sex, but only for packing. Packing is when one wears a dildo under their clothing. When I received this information I was furious. I mean, who the hell wants a cock that they can't use when fucking? Wearing a dildo made only for packing made me feel impotent. So, I did what any self-respecting dyke would do: I cut that dildo up into tiny little pieces, threw the pieces out, and went shopping with my girlfriend for an attachable cock made for fucking.

Shopping for a new sex toy should be easy, right? Especially for me, a therapist and sex educator, RIGHT??? Hah! My girlfriend and I decided to take a trip to a locally owned, well respected sex shop in our city of residence. We chose this shop because it is well lit and isn't nasty in any way. No peep shows, no back rooms where guys have been jacking off, none of the gross stuff you are likely to find in a dark dive of a sex shop. We entered the shop and were feeling really good. What could be easier than buying a nice new silicone dildo? Just about anything it seems!

We started by explaining our story of woe to the saleswoman and were immediately told that if we continued to talk about sex that we would be asked to leave the store. This store, we were told, sells products for educational purposes only. But, honestly, one look around the place tells you that she was talking bullshit. She explained that they are only allowed to have a store in Texas with this high quantity of 'model items' if they are for educational purposes. Fine. Well, it isn't fine really. It is a shame that we can't talk openly and in a healthy fashion about sex in the Lone Star State, but at least the store has found a way around that dilemma.

So, my girlfriend and I started to look at the 'educational models'. And, lo & behold, there are so many different styles of dildos that my head began to spin. How in the hell was I going to pick just one? We asked if we could feel the items and were allowed to. My girlfriend jokingly said that any item I purchased could be used as a tax write-off since I write sex articles. We began to laugh over this while feeling a cyberskin cock and the saleswoman actually said to me that she could not believe that I am a sex educator since I was giggling in the store. I was dumbfounded. What was I to respond to this type of harassment? I finally mumbled something about being comfortable enough with sex to actually laugh about it, and then, sadly, I looked away. After feeling many available dildos for purchase my girlfriend and I bought a pink sparkly realistic shaped silicone dildo and got the hell out of that shop. I felt humiliated by the end of the experience and vowed to never shop at that store again.

So, my girlfriend and I went back to my place and decided to try out my new pink toy. And, the good news is that I was able to maintain a stiff, penetrating erection with my new glittery cock. The bad news is that I quickly realized that I am really no good at that bump and grind pumping motion that men seem to be able to do effortlessly. I mean, don?t get me wrong, I could pump my crotch into her crotch for a few minutes, but not long enough to help her to achieve an orgasm. Then, my girlfriend wanted to try the dildo on me. Well, I was willing to accommodate her, but she was disappointed that she could not be penetrated as well with my then current apparatus. So, after swearing never again, back to the store we went for a double dildo for her and a thigh harness for me.

The thigh harness was a brilliant purchase. Dykes everywhere need to know about these harnesses. They ROCK! It is so much easier to pump with one?s leg than to pump with one?s pelvis. The double dildo was a different story all together. That was a complete failure. We were both pretty big gals, so we thought long was good. Well, maybe so, but I kept thinking that in trying to use the damn thing that my cervix was going to be pushed into my belly-button! I swear this is all true. It was miserable and awful.

Finally we came upon the perfect shopping experience with the perfect item for sale. We checked out http://www.electriclover.com/ & purchased the ever so magnificent Ultra Harness 2000 Vac-U-Lock System. This was perfect for my girlfriend. It fitted over her crotch and allowed her to attach a big cock for fucking, a smaller dildo for her own vaginal insertion, and a butt plug for her as well. It also had a slot where she could insert a bullet vibe to stimulate her clit. My girlfriend loved it because the best way for her to get off was with clit stimulation simultaneous with both vaginal and anal penetration. In fact, I think that I may still have a few bruises from where she pumped against my hip bones so hard it hurt!

This was all just great and it was a thrilling three months of my life. I would not change a thing about it and I am glad that I went through it all. I have to admit to you though that I am seeing a new woman now. I really like this new girl. I think that she may be the one. I have decided to come out to my family over the Thanksgiving holiday. If I survive the trip 'home' I promise to write yet more of my memoirs for your reading pleasure. So?

Stay tuned for part III of my Dildo Memoirs: Oy Vey, Our Niece Is GAY!

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